BDSM: Questions and Answers

Health

I remember one incident that scared me more than a bit during a scene. My play partner passed out on me after I let him have an orgasm after a very intense CBT session.
He was unconsious just for about half a minute, that was scary for me. Later he told me that this was the first time for him to pass out as well. We both needed some cuddling after that.

I recommend learning CPR and other first aid stuff for situations like that, knowing this techniques gives me a sense of security, when an accident happens during a scene. Normaly you don't need them, but it sure feels good to know what to do.

Monika

Trinka, you are correct, this was some severe lacing, waists in the 13-15 inch range. UGH! We were inquiring about severe waist training thus her cautions. I have worn a back brace and support garments on and off through the years and I too like the feeling. I have tried corsets off the rack and they don't fit because I am way short waisted. Hopefully down the line I can afford some custom work because I really like the look and feel but it will not be for training reasons. Thanks for the site recommendation. I will check it out.

Fraowa_Aph, CPR is always good to know. Someone passing out would scare the poop out of me but knowing what to do is indeed a good feeling.

Something we joke about is loosing the keys to the cuffs. I promised my Sweetie I would cover her head before I called the lock smith and asked her to promise me the same. She never promised, should I worry? Visions of Stephen King's "Gerald's Game" are dancing in my head.

question.

does a master and sub fall in love and get married usually?

misty shore said:

does a master and sub fall in love and get married usually?

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Well, as far as I know, D/s relations are first of all relations - and the likelyhood of a D/s relation finally leading to marriage is as big or small as is that of any other relation.

Just as with any other kind of relation there are ups and downs, there are people getting together and seperating again, and some will last for life - so I would say it is indeed possible, but usual? Not more or less than marriage in any other relation.

Ok, I registered. First, I would like to thank you for welcoming me here. I would like to clear a few things up. No, I don't think you could find me from this board (I meant if I e-mailed someone). However, I have been in situation in the past where I was recognized by someone I knew in real life who was reading a message board. It was on a much less sensative topic, but I wouldn't want it to happen with this.

Now a couple of questions. First, Magister would you mind explaining what you meant by not being harmless. That doesn't exactly encourage me to meet BDSM'ers in real life. Is there something specific I should be afraid of if I were to get up the nerve?

I am also interested in health related issues. For example, my husband would like to try fisting, but I am afraid. Is there some way to avoid ending up in the ER like cymbidia did?
Also, I would like to know if anyone has an opinion as to why people are so afraid of people like us or others that are sexually different. I will tell you that I live in a small town in the southeast, so people are less open minded here than many places. Even homosexuality is still frowned on here, so maybe I'm coming at this from a different perspective than most of you.

Thanks,
lasavane

Welcome lasavane

The secret to vaginal fisting is just like anal sex. Go slowly...very very slowly and use lots of lube. Just when you think you have enough lube, Add more. Start with one or two fingers and work from there. He shouldn't be trying to slam his whole fist into you at once. That will surely end you up in an ER explaining what the hell is going on. With me I need to have cum a couple of times before my Man is getting his hand in there and he still needs to go slowly, use lube and pay attention to what is going on with me.

To me there is a difference between good pain and bad pain. If it really really hurts stop and reassess what is going on.

Sorry to cut this short but I need to go. If you have more questions please feel free to PM me.

Welcome lasavane

I'm glad you decided to join in on the conversation. It took me awhile to post too, for many of the reasons you discussed earlier. I've found the people here very friendly!

Why are people afraid of us? I think its because they don't know or understand what this is all about. Maybe they see or hear in the media things that are not nice or see Doms and subs on Jerry Springer and think that is what BDSM is all about. Some of the things we do are not mainstream and people tend to be afraid of that which is new or they don't understand.

That is my take on it. What do the rest of you think?

about fisting...

go slow. use lube. TRIM AND FILE YOUR NAILS. i don't mean a little bit either, i mean until there is hardly any white left and you can barely feel it on your wrist or some other sensative skin. i advocate using latex gloves, but that's personal preference.

you can lock up while being fisted. if that happens, no matter how scary it is DO NOT HAVE THE PERSON PULL OUT RIGHT AWAY. go slow. relax. more lube. remove the hand very very gradually. the tissue of your vagina is delicate and can bruise and tear easily.

about Dom/mes not being harmless...

i think that was a joke. the mantra of BDSMers is "safe. sane. consentual" all of those words are equally important, all of those concepts are the foundation of good BDSM play. along with s,s,c i would like to add "communication, communication, communication." concent beings and ends with communication, so does safety and sanity. following those principles and using common sense should allow you to explore BDSM without too much fear.

about the fear of BDSMers....

people fear what they do not understand. people who do not understand how pain and pleasure can weave together to create ecstacy decide it is bad, evil, dangerous, deviant, whatever, and so they attack it. they ridicule it. they learn a few select facts, declare themselves enlightened, and then portray it the wrong way on screen or printed page. sadly, this is not a trend exculsive to BDSM. it is a hardship, one that each of us fight in our own daily struggle to live our lives in a way that makes us happy. we band together for support in internet communities and discreet clubs. we know that we are not freaks, but those on the outside see only the leather and piercings and are too frightened to learn more. baby steps are being taken. it is all we can hope for. we may never be totally mainstream, but we are connecting, networking, and like any other marginalized community, finding a way to get past the ignorance and hate.

lasavane, my PM box is never full (*sigh*) so if you ever want to talk please feel free to contact me. any of the other posters would tell you the same, i'm sure. we're all here to help each other. by strengthening individuals in the community, we strengthen the community itself, and in doing so strengthening ourselves.

wow.... i'm a phenominal dork. i think i'll stop waxing philosphical and do some homework.

Welcome, lasavane!

A quick explanation of my somewhat cryptic remark. It wasn't intended as such, but I went back and re-read, and I can see where there are questions.

Perhaps it would be best if I spoke about my own personality, as it relates to 'harmless,' and you can extrapolate. I am certainly NOT harmless, however, I would never harm anyone not asking for it. By which, I mean that I would harm someone defensively, or if they were masochistic.

HOWEVER, to ward off the cries of outrage, let me clarify that last bit. What I said there was sloppy grammar, and exhibited a misuse of the word 'harm.' Yes, I am a sadist. I do enjoy inflicting pain, but only on very willing people, like my slave, geri. Pain does not, in my mind, equate to harm, despite what I said above. I would never harm = injure geri. I take great care to ensure her safety, in fact.

When I said Doms are not harmless, I really misspoke, and I apologize for that. No Dom worth the name would ever seek to injure or mistreat you in any fashion. In fact, they should (this is not always the case, so be careful) take all necessary precautions to ensure your safety, and not give you more pain than you are truly ready to accept. (assuming, of course, you are seeking erotic pain)

If what I said makes any sense at all, I hope it helped. Welcome to our little family, lasavane. May you find as much friendship here as you have wished.

trinka

i cropped that white space off your avitar for you

lasavane, here is a link to a past thread that may be helpful.
Fisting, anyone?

Oh, and welcome, too!

lexie you are a goddess! Thank you so much!

My av is actually a pic of some roses I bought. I used the magical image enhancer in my software to make it look like that, but that white area appeared. I had to ask on the general board for someone to help me size it right.

Thanks again and big hugs

HotXBunz said:

Cymbidia, did you have problems in the ER?

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You know, i'm afraid i'm sorta, uh, pugnacious about my sexuality. I will not shove it in anyone's face but should it need to be discussed in some official setting, such as with doctors during my two (in almost 30 years of doing this) ER visits, i alos will not apologize or cringe or allow anyone to make me feel i am in any way inferior or wrong for doing what i do in pursuit of my kind of pleasure and in response to the dictates of my need.

In other words, no. No! I had no problems in the ER. No one looked at me like i was a creature from outer space or, conversely, like i was going to jump up and take a bull whip to the lot of them.

My Dom and i went in.
We told the intake nurse what happened.
She (fortunately - but there are *so* many of us out there, i'm not at all surprised) was something of a submissive herself and understood the my wanting some discretion in the matter.
We were taken to a private room.
Doctors and nurses came in and went out, checking things on me.
I told the story, or he did, to a couple other people, then we began to frown at those who came to hear it and told them to read it on the chart.
After some time, a doc came in and sewed me up (vaginal tearing, 11 stitches deep in my vagina), looked hard at us both and told us no sexual activity of that or any other kind for six weeks.
We left.

The problem only came about because we were both in WAY too big a hurry. I was pushing him, wanting more faster harder. He was in a hurry too, and wasn't being as careful of me as he usually is. ~shrug~ Stuff like that is gonna happen to people like us, boys and girls. That's the name of the game if you play on edge much, you know?

Again, i'm a masosub. Someone not as into really edgy sensation play as me probably would have stopped such, uh, enthusiastic fisting long before such serious tearing occurred.

I'm definitely not giving up fisting just cuz it went bad once. Oh no! On the contrary.

Magister said:

No Dom worth the name would ever seek to injure or mistreat you in any fashion. In fact, they should (this is not always the case, so be careful) take all necessary precautions to ensure your safety, and not give you more pain than you are truly ready to accept. (assuming, of course, you are seeking erotic pain.

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I would take it a step further and say that i believe every true Dom/me has as his or her highest obligation the absolute duty to *not* bring harm to you. It's their highest obligation to insure the safety of their submissive, no matter the icrcumstances or setting. It's why we have to be totally honest with them; they cannot adequately care for us without that honesty.

Now, pretend Dommies out for a kinky suck & fuck under the guise of it being the beginning of a BDSM relationship - ah! They are another story, aren't they?

But the real ones?
No. The real ones value us as much as we value them.
We know, all of us, how incomplete we are without each other and value our partner accordingly.


I *love* that we've acquired so many wonderful new voices lately.
Welcome, all.

Welcome Lasavane, you will find a friendly place here. You have got some great info here on the how to's of fisting. The only thing I could add is that at different times in my Honey's cycle fisting goes beyond that good pain place and hurts. So you may do it and enjoy it one time and not be pleased with the experience the next. We have a saying at our house we will try anything three times. The first time might be emotionally awkward, the second time may be a physical thing and by the time you have done it three times you have learned from what you didn't like and have either perfected the technique or decided you do not want to incorporate it into your play.

There have been times we have had some extreemly slight bleeding. Nothing that would be cause for alarm. I am interested in knowing how to treat problems that could arise and long term consequences of fisting. Thus far we have had no serious situations. I have engageed in this type of play upon occasion for well over fifteen years. I have had a cyctocele (bladder) repaired but I am not sure it was caused by fisting.

Having been on both sides I can also add that as the giving partner it is sometimes easy to get caught up in the moment and not be as tuned in to your partner as one should be. While it is the receiving partners job to communicate it is also the giving partners job to realize the power behind a thrust. I have been known to beg for more-harder-faster and thankfully my partner knew I was maxed out.

New Voices....

Greetings to you, lasavane.

As a Switch (one of several here on the thread, so back me up or shoot me down as my remars warrant, gang; voice of inexperience, and all..... ), I've got a potentially interesting perception of the Dom(me)/sub thing.

Communication is key. So is self-knowledge. On either end of the leash (or crop, or cane, or clamp.... ).

When your taste in sensations runs as far as cymbidia's (or a couple of others'), "Know Thyself" isn't just a cute maxim or profound piece of philosophy; it's potentially life-saving. You also have to do something I haven't in over seven years: Be completely open and honest with your partner about your drives and desires. And that can be very hard.

That said, I am harmless. First goal; first rule: Stay the hell out of the emergency room!

But that's just me.




Dignity.
Respect.
Trust.

(got two of 'em down pat, it's that last one......)

lasavane, Glad to see you have joined our board .....................Pm me anything you wish...............................

misty shore said:

question.

does a master and sub fall in love and get married usually?

Click to expand...

My Dom and I are married and very much in love.

Welcome to the board, misty and lasavane

Welcome again lasavane,
we don't bite... unless you ask for it

Some BDSM techniques aren't harmless unless the Dom/me knows exactly what s/he does. Panic runs to the ER aren't fun, I never had to do that, phew. And I hope I never will.

Cym, you said it's very important for a sub to be open and honest. It sure is, I can't read minds and I need feedback from my play partner or things may go wrong. But that goes both ways. A Dom/me needs to be open and honest as well, especially when it comes to new things. I'm very lucky to have some play partners who are very expirienced and they let me use them as guinea pigs or talk me through something new.
Does that make me a bad Domme? I don't think so, in fact I think it's the mark of a good Dom/me to know what s/he can to her/his sub without inflicting real injury, that would require runs to the ER.

Communication is so important, you're right leXie, talk, talk talk with each other. And besides... all this negotiating/communicating before a scene is intensly erotic for me.

Monika

Welcome to all the new voices!!!

It was not so long ago that I was a new voice here myself. I remember clearly the night I made my first post here on Lit.

The people here are wonderful, open and honest, giving of themselves.... so sit back and enjoy the ride...

The O'Reilly Factor (fox news) had a women on tonight all upset because there was a BDSM event at a Ramada in Chicago. It replays at 11 on the east coast. Was near the half hour. There was a person from some alt sex org who was going to take the other side, but didn't show. O'Reilly pretty much told her to let people do in private what they want.

I Remain Baffled.....

What is it about us "freaks" that has the "normals" shorts in a bunch? I just don't get it.....

Re: I Remain Baffled.....

SpectreT said:

What is it about us "freaks" that has the "normals" shorts in a bunch? I just don't get it.....

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the sneaking suspicion that we're having more fun? nah... couldn't be

MistressHoney said:

Perhaps someday being bisexual or a Domme will have the minor repercussions that being gay has now, but the current age and social climate is to us what the 50s were to homosexuals. So we shall all remain in the closet until a later date.

However, when there is the great outing, I volunteer my lake house for the party!

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but of course is there invitations for lesbian Dommes? We'll be very quite, I think

Just dropping in...

To say welcome to all the new voices. Damned glad to have you here. Please, jump in at any point, and with any amount of (in)experience. All voices are welcome...they even let me ramble here!

And Happy Valentine's Day to everyone...

And now I'm off to break in the new Valentine's presents...got a new brass bed. He got several things of a more leathery variety from me. Should be a fun weekend.

Be well, everyone,
RS