the marks of a slave

After 30 minutes of grumpy silence...

me : I dislike being poked in the belly.
Him : Why?
me : my history of anoerexia means I am overly sensitive of things like that.
Him : I'm sorry, I forgot.

More grumpy silence, disappointed he forgot....

seragirl said:

After 30 minutes of grumpy silence...

me : I dislike being poked in the belly.
Him : Why?
me : my history of anoerexia means I am overly sensitive of things like that.
Him : I'm sorry, I forgot.

More grumpy silence, disappointed he forgot....

Click to expand...

Thanks for sharing, sera.

Once he forgot my birthday. I almost let it slip by completely without reminding him.

But I blurted it out, when I realized that I was going to spend my birthday (the one day when I usually have complete freedom to do what I "choose") visiting his favorite museum in the city.

I can't say I was disappointed, though. I was actually thrilled at this evidence that the things that are important to me mean absolutely nothing to him whatsoever unless they do.

On another note, I told him I was an alcoholic when we met. I told him that I couldn't drink safely. He had to see it for himself.

I have been pondering the nature of lies and why people do it, why people lie to the ones they love, especially complex and continuous lies.

When the lies are too obvious to ignore, I shut down and lose myself in my head, sometimes for hours but have been known to retreat for days at a time.

Silence, emptiness, hollowness prevails.

Maybe, by disappearing into my self imposed isolation, I am lying to myself about my relationship and my tolerance levels for the lies I am expected to believe.

*sighs*

seragirl said:

I have been pondering the nature of lies and why people do it, why people lie to the ones they love, especially complex and continuous lies.

When the lies are too obvious to ignore, I shut down and lose myself in my head, sometimes for hours but have been known to retreat for days at a time.

Silence, emptiness, hollowness prevails.

Maybe, by disappearing into my self imposed isolation, I am lying to myself about my relationship and my tolerance levels for the lies I am expected to believe.

*sighs*

Click to expand...

I don't think lies are a good foundation for a relationship.

I was the lover of a man who wanted to believe that he was still the man he had been 10 years before, and I participated in his fantasy. And because we were operating in that realm of "fantasy," I ended up lying to him about certain aspects of my reality.

I lied because I knew that the truth would shatter the fantasy.

And my lies, though never discovered, caused me such discomfort, I actually got in a car accident after speaking to him once, because I was so unnerved.

And he was just a casual relationship.

In my primary relationship, I know when he is not telling me the whole truth. Often, because he doesn't want to experience my reaction to it.

And I have lied to him, usually by withholding information rather than outright falsities, in order to hide behavior of mine that I know he will not like. Behavior that I don't want to be told to stop.

If you want a relationship to last, I think you have to go into it with the intention of being honest. You'll still end up lying from time to time, but you'll be more willing to work through whatever challenges come up. We have discovered a much greater level of honesty with each other over time, in part because we were able to recognize that our fears of the other's reactions weren't clear indicators of what the other person would actually do.

And for me, it ultimately came down to a question of whether or not I was being honest with myself. Whether I even knew what "honesty" meant.

I had to discover what was true, before I could even begin to determine reliably what was a lie.

If you are aware of the lies, sera, why do feel that you have to believe them?

Three vertebrae in my neck were placed back where they belong yesterday. The liberation was palpable as unimpeded communication resumed between my body and my brain.

It will change the way he pulls my hair, if I tell him. He yanks my head back as he fucks, without considering the alignment of my spine.

I don't know which I want more: the sense of ease and comfort I've just rediscovered or the unease and discomfort I know so well.

Assuming he still reads this, I think you've already told him...?

Conspiracle said:

Assuming he still reads this, I think you've already told him...?

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I'm not sure he's reading this right now.

(He just walked into the room while I was writing that . . . and became curious.)

"Well, now I know."

"You're a beautiful woman," he said.

That's the first time he's said that in 25 years.

And I can say without hesitation . . . you have to live it to be it.

He also said, "You can come to me as Master. Or you can come to me as friend.
Don't come to me as lover."

Apparently, I keep asking from him something that he cannot give when I am slave.

eastern sun said:

I don't think lies are a good foundation for a relationship.

I was the lover of a man who wanted to believe that he was still the man he had been 10 years before, and I participated in his fantasy. And because we were operating in that realm of "fantasy," I ended up lying to him about certain aspects of my reality.

I lied because I knew that the truth would shatter the fantasy.

And my lies, though never discovered, caused me such discomfort, I actually got in a car accident after speaking to him once, because I was so unnerved.

And he was just a casual relationship.

In my primary relationship, I know when he is not telling me the whole truth. Often, because he doesn't want to experience my reaction to it.

And I have lied to him, usually by withholding information rather than outright falsities, in order to hide behavior of mine that I know he will not like. Behavior that I don't want to be told to stop.

If you want a relationship to last, I think you have to go into it with the intention of being honest. You'll still end up lying from time to time, but you'll be more willing to work through whatever challenges come up. We have discovered a much greater level of honesty with each other over time, in part because we were able to recognize that our fears of the other's reactions weren't clear indicators of what the other person would actually do.

And for me, it ultimately came down to a question of whether or not I was being honest with myself. Whether I even knew what "honesty" meant.

I had to discover what was true, before I could even begin to determine reliably what was a lie.

If you are aware of the lies, sera, why do feel that you have to believe them?

Click to expand...

The bit in bold is the bit I have the most trouble with.

I knew he was lying, what I will never understand is why he was afraid of my reactions to being told the truth......Was he that afraid to lose me that he compromised the entire relationship instead?

He lost me anyway.

You can not respect someone who you can not trust.

re: aesthetics

eastern sun said:

"You're a beautiful woman," he said.

That's the first time he's said that in 25 years.

And I can say without hesitation . . . you have to live it to be it.

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It is possible to ponder beauty as a causal occurence. Without an observer, there is no beauty. Equally, without an observer that acknowledges, one does not feel beautiful.

mitchell67 said:

It is possible to ponder beauty as a causal occurence. Without an observer, there is no beauty. Equally, without an observer that acknowledges, one does not feel beautiful.

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It sure helps if you put on a dress and wash your hair.

eastern sun said:

It sure helps if you put on a dress and wash your hair.

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Ditto.

And doing so makes mundane things a lot nicer. I usually clean wearing a nice dress and pretty make up, even though the cat is the only living thing to see me clean. After I'm done cleaning, I take a shower to clean myself and wash off all the make up and return back to my usual self. The one with jeans and a touch of mascara.

I also hang laundry and unload the dishwasher wearing ridiculously high heels. I always say it's just for the ergonomy, as I'm short, but lately I'm not so sure.

Sometimes I wonder, if he knows I play dress-up when he's at work. If he would like to know. If he even cares. Maybe I'll tell him.

eastern sun said:

It sure helps if you put on a dress and wash your hair.

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I really need to do this. It reminds me of a nursing diagnosis: Self Care Deficit. If I had a nurse for me I am sure that would be written into the care plan. It's a shame.

Impaled on his fingers, I hesitated.
"Are you my slave?"
"Yes."
"Then you will enter my reality. Haven't I proven to be right about this in the past? Haven't I always been right about this?"
"Yes, you are right. You have always been right," but my head is swimming.
"Now, repeat after me. . . "

And I'm just not certain whether he's right, or whether his reality gradually becomes my own. And I'm also not sure if it matters.

"I stayed in submission to my husband, and he allowed me to do anything I wanted to. I felt like I was lucky to have that kind of romance."

- June Carter Cash

When I was a teenager, my father told me to smile. He said it was important for a woman to smile.

After I heard that, I consciously stopped smiling for about 25 years and wore a scowl on my face instead. At the time, I thought it gave me back my power.

Luckily, my husband makes me laugh.

But my father was right.

When I smile, I am beautiful.

He also told me to brush my hair.

You rebel!

My hair was always long with no bangs. He liked it in braids, or one big pony. When I cut the length of it to 1 inch all around he said: Looks good!

I got tired of the 100 strokes for shine.

sweepthefloor said:

You rebel!

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I am a rebel without a cause.

Happiest when I surrender. I learned that years ago.

So why do I keep fighting?

(Because I look around this world of ours and think I'm a chump not to.)

I need to learn how to pick my battles more skillfully.

. . .

ES - You always leave me wanting more details!

I have a mark of regret today. It's a relatively small thing but still a painful twinge on my heart. I failed Master yesterday, due to thoughtlessness on my part. I know that his anger was out of love and concern for me, and frustration over my error, but it still hurts me that I let him down. Our recent rough patch is still only tenuously repaired, and already I've screwed up, again.

I will say, in my defense, that while his concern was much appreciated and understood, the reason for his initial concern was a touch excessive. It wasn't my first rodeo, and it was handled quite well.

intothewoods said:

ES - You always leave me wanting more details!

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I think I like what happens when some details are missing and you're left to fill it in with your own experience and imagination. But always, itw, always feel free to ask if you're curious.

I think I'm also hoping you'll be curious.

desertslave said:

I will say, in my defense, that while his concern was much appreciated and understood, the reason for his initial concern was a touch excessive. It wasn't my first rodeo, and it was handled quite well.

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Did you tell him he shouldn't be concerned about your participation in a rodeo? What were you doing?

eastern sun said:

Did you tell him he shouldn't be concerned about your participation in a rodeo? What were you doing?

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Hopefully not rodeo clown!!!


That job is dangerous!