the marks of a slave

"Drastic times call for drastic measures"

~~snip~~

I tried so many ways to just surrender and trust that everything would work out. My head was perfectly fine. It could go with the flow and accept what come along. It could be happy.

But my heart, my submissive soul, that vulnerable tiny self that needed her Daddy couldn't give up the old and enjoy the new.

The struggle consumed me.

But he said "I own you, I will not let you go even if you ask to be released"

He said it months ago, maybe a year. It both scared me making me feel trapped at times and consoled me, reminding me of my place in his life.

It called for a drastic measure, a sacrifice to bring about a renewal of spirit. A sacrifice I offered.

It is only the beginning. The new beginning. My head and my heart are finally focused together.

I'm excited about the future, our future.


Sorry for quoting myself but I wanted to come back to say my sacrifice was worth it. My head and heart are finally focused together.

I've learned something. There is that saying "Don't sweat the small stuff" , well that's important but equally helpful is to not sweat the big stuff either. All those negative emotions do nothing to solve any problems. Positive emotions, understanding and compassion are much more powerful.

Sweet surrender. I just take anything and everything thrown at me from all sides in my life and just go with the flow.

It makes me a much more fun person to be around. I like myself more. It also makes me stronger. Since I decided to not let anything bring me down when something does happen that used to cause me to crash I remind myself that I'm not allowed to go negative anymore and I don't.

He has voiced and shown his appreciation for the changes in myself I have made. I am his good girl. :)
 
Sorry for quoting myself but I wanted to come back to say my sacrifice was worth it. My head and heart are finally focused together.

I've learned something. There is that saying "Don't sweat the small stuff" , well that's important but equally helpful is to not sweat the big stuff either. All those negative emotions do nothing to solve any problems. Positive emotions, understanding and compassion are much more powerful.

Sweet surrender. I just take anything and everything thrown at me from all sides in my life and just go with the flow.

It makes me a much more fun person to be around. I like myself more. It also makes me stronger. Since I decided to not let anything bring me down when something does happen that used to cause me to crash I remind myself that I'm not allowed to go negative anymore and I don't.

He has voiced and shown his appreciation for the changes in myself I have made. I am his good girl. :)

Damn, es. I would love to know what makes you tick! I mean, you just seem very strong and resolute and kinda zen.
 
Damn, es. I would love to know what makes you tick! I mean, you just seem very strong and resolute and kinda zen.

Thanks itw.

What makes me tick? I'm stubborn as hell. :)

Not in a -stand my ground and never compromise- type of way but in a determined way. My best strength is the ability to solve problems. Find ways to make things work out. I probably give in a bit too much but never where it really matters.

I also look at what I have in this world. My husband deployed twice. He came back to me alive and well (mostly) each time. I have been very happily married for over 20 yrs and now with my dominant for almost 8. I have two awesome men who passionately love and desire me. I have 2 wonderful teenagers who at this moment are really driving me nuts, but they are teens. That's their job. I'm getting older with aches and pains but I am proud of who I am and the things I have done in my life. I am excited about what I will continue to do.

Equally important is I don't hate. I try to eliminate completely all negative emotions from my life. If something makes me angry I do something about it. That could be having a conversation, joining a protest rally, using my voting power, or what ever positive action I need to do to channel that anger into a feeling of accomplishment.

Jealousy, envy, hate, vengeance, anger etc are simply too draining. Life is far too short to waste any time on those emotions. So I stubbornly refuse not to.

I won't say I have completely succeeded. But when one of those emotions start to well up inside of me I remember the joy I have in my life and watch that emotion drift away from me.
 
It appears that somebody has forgotten the first noble truth.

The first noble truth - the truth of suffering.

I experience the conflict between what I think I want and what I actually have - a conflict between my internal expectations and my external reality - as a source of suffering.

If I eliminate my expectations, and accept my external reality without judgement (and even gratitude instead), much of my chronic suffering evaporates like smoke.

That's what I hear ecstatic sub saying, too.
 
Sorry for quoting myself but I wanted to come back to say my sacrifice was worth it. My head and heart are finally focused together.

I've learned something. There is that saying "Don't sweat the small stuff" , well that's important but equally helpful is to not sweat the big stuff either. All those negative emotions do nothing to solve any problems. Positive emotions, understanding and compassion are much more powerful.

Sweet surrender. I just take anything and everything thrown at me from all sides in my life and just go with the flow.

It makes me a much more fun person to be around. I like myself more. It also makes me stronger. Since I decided to not let anything bring me down when something does happen that used to cause me to crash I remind myself that I'm not allowed to go negative anymore and I don't.

He has voiced and shown his appreciation for the changes in myself I have made. I am his good girl. :)

I am profoundly happy for you. And hope that your peace of mind spreads . . .

like open space . . . . like an open mind.
 
I gave up my slave status in order to chase my own vision. With a singleness of purpose that would make him proud if it was actually in pursuit of his interests.

My success felt like it was in direct proportion to my ability to stay on task, which meant (in my most self-centered moments) that I did not have the time or willingness to drop my agenda in order to meet his demands.

But I've arrived at the end of the project I was willing to sacrifice my slavery to. And, honestly, all I want is to be a slave again.

To find a way to do both, without conflict.

To chase my vision and be his slave.

But I've lost his confidence. And it will take months for me to win back his trust.

It's possible, I think, if I watch my own behavior. And he is making his expectations crystal clear.

I may not be, and may never be, the slave I was, but there is a dynamic in our relationship that will always exist whether we name it or not.

And I don't like swimming against that current.
 
I am happy you achieved goal for your project. :rose:

I have thought about the desire for a home life partnered with a man that I could serve, but then I get home from these crazy shifts looking like hell, limping to my door and realize: I could never maintain, I wouldn’t be any good at it. I can barely take care of myself.
 
Thanks itw.

What makes me tick? I'm stubborn as hell. :)

Not in a -stand my ground and never compromise- type of way but in a determined way. My best strength is the ability to solve problems. Find ways to make things work out. I probably give in a bit too much but never where it really matters.

I also look at what I have in this world. My husband deployed twice. He came back to me alive and well (mostly) each time. I have been very happily married for over 20 yrs and now with my dominant for almost 8. I have two awesome men who passionately love and desire me. I have 2 wonderful teenagers who at this moment are really driving me nuts, but they are teens. That's their job. I'm getting older with aches and pains but I am proud of who I am and the things I have done in my life. I am excited about what I will continue to do.

Equally important is I don't hate. I try to eliminate completely all negative emotions from my life. If something makes me angry I do something about it. That could be having a conversation, joining a protest rally, using my voting power, or what ever positive action I need to do to channel that anger into a feeling of accomplishment.

Jealousy, envy, hate, vengeance, anger etc are simply too draining. Life is far too short to waste any time on those emotions. So I stubbornly refuse not to.

I won't say I have completely succeeded. But when one of those emotions start to well up inside of me I remember the joy I have in my life and watch that emotion drift away from me.

Sorry for quoting myself but I wanted to come back to say my sacrifice was worth it. My head and heart are finally focused together.

I've learned something. There is that saying "Don't sweat the small stuff" , well that's important but equally helpful is to not sweat the big stuff either. All those negative emotions do nothing to solve any problems. Positive emotions, understanding and compassion are much more powerful.

Sweet surrender. I just take anything and everything thrown at me from all sides in my life and just go with the flow.

It makes me a much more fun person to be around. I like myself more. It also makes me stronger. Since I decided to not let anything bring me down when something does happen that used to cause me to crash I remind myself that I'm not allowed to go negative anymore and I don't.

He has voiced and shown his appreciation for the changes in myself I have made. I am his good girl. :)

This is just incredible.

I have never heard this kind of zen attitude described in such simplistic terms. On the face of it it seems like an easy choice to make and it makes me feel dumb as hell for not figuring out already that I should be applying this to my own life.

I feel a sea change approaching.

Thank you so much for this.
 
I am happy you achieved goal for your project. :rose:

I have thought about the desire for a home life partnered with a man that I could serve, but then I get home from these crazy shifts looking like hell, limping to my door and realize: I could never maintain, I wouldn’t be any good at it. I can barely take care of myself.

Thank you, sweet friend. :rose:

You know what I just learned? Don't make assumptions about other people, no matter how well you think you know them.

Without my knowledge, he read my post here, and - casually - over a plate of all-you-can-eat-Chinese-buffet on a rainy Sunday afternoon - reinstated my slavery with "so you want to be a slave. No rules this time."
 
Thank you, sweet friend. :rose:

You know what I just learned? Don't make assumptions about other people, no matter how well you think you know them.

Without my knowledge, he read my post here, and - casually - over a plate of all-you-can-eat-Chinese-buffet on a rainy Sunday afternoon - reinstated my slavery with "so you want to be a slave. No rules this time."

Wheee! Congratulations!
 
Ok.

So it's important to be crystal clear about what I can handle (as soon as I become aware of it).

I have fallen into the trap of thinking that - as slave - I should be able to handle whatever he demands, whatever he does. That it will stretch my limits, take me places I would never go, surprise him, please him.

But what really happens is that I hit my edge and get frightened. And, maybe - yes, maybe, I'll move beyond that point . . . In my best moments, the moments that make me want slavery above everything else, I move effortlessly into that wide open space.

More likely, though, I hit my edge and try to pull back, withdraw, run away, fight him off, cast blame, nurse a resentment.

What I discovered today - and want to immortalize on this wall - is that a slave has the responsibility to say what s/he thinks s/he can realistically do. At that point, it is up to the master to decide how to work with that information, but if I give him an honest assessment of the situation, I have discovered that he is quite happy to work with my inevitable limitations.

And then, when his expectations are realistic, I am actually more likely to both serve him and please him. And. . .then. . . in the sweetness of that feeling, I actually cross the lines I have drawn around myself without being pushed.
 
Ok.

So it's important to be crystal clear about what I can handle (as soon as I become aware of it).

I have fallen into the trap of thinking that - as slave - I should be able to handle whatever he demands, whatever he does. That it will stretch my limits, take me places I would never go, surprise him, please him.

But what really happens is that I hit my edge and get frightened. And, maybe - yes, maybe, I'll move beyond that point . . . In my best moments, the moments that make me want slavery above everything else, I move effortlessly into that wide open space.

More likely, though, I hit my edge and try to pull back, withdraw, run away, fight him off, cast blame, nurse a resentment.

What I discovered today - and want to immortalize on this wall - is that a slave has the responsibility to say what s/he thinks s/he can realistically do. At that point, it is up to the master to decide how to work with that information, but if I give him an honest assessment of the situation, I have discovered that he is quite happy to work with my inevitable limitations.

And then, when his expectations are realistic, I am actually more likely to both serve him and please him. And. . .then. . . in the sweetness of that feeling, I actually cross the lines I have drawn around myself without being pushed.


This. At the risk of speaking for others we WANT it to be do-able. We WANT to be able to set ourselves up for the rush of success, at least most of the time.
 
This. At the risk of speaking for others we WANT it to be do-able. We WANT to be able to set ourselves up for the rush of success, at least most of the time.

Thanks for saying that, Netzach, cause I know you're right, even though I convince myself he wants to see me fail. That it gives him pleasure to see me flail and flounder while he remains stoic and stable.
 
He was "put off" by my last post.

In no way does he want to be perceived as wanting to see me fail.

"There was a time in my 20's when I might have acted that way, but I have worked steadily over the years to make sure I didn't do it."

It's true, he has been a source of tremendous support, encouraging me to pursue my interests and chase my dreams.

It's a self-destructive part of me that projects my own internal dogs into his behavior, convincing myself that he is putting obstacles in my path and wants to see me fail. Then I can fight them off as though they were his.

Wouldn't it be simpler if I just recognized them as my own obstacles?

Not necessarily easier, but simpler.

Projecting my self-destructiveness onto him is much, much easier.
 
"Work on being more deferential."

His comment made me search out the dictionary. All of a sudden, I didn't know what he meant.

Deferential - showing deference, respectful
Deference - humble submission and respect
In deference to - out of respect for, in consideration of

It isn't necessarily the angle of my gaze or the tone of my voice that's important, though I have found attention to those external signs helps in moments like these.

It's gratitude that makes the biggest difference - and the attitude it engenders.
 
Did u get an actuall master? And if so how

We met while we were working together in our 20's. He was in charge of training me. I resisted a relationship for months, even though I knew he wanted me.

Then, one day he approached me in a way I'd never encountered before. It wasn't anything other than "the way he looked at me," but it was so penetrating and irresistible that I have been hooked ever since.

We didn't think in M/s terms at that time, though the dynamics were already in place. It wasn't until after our kids were born, and we were struggling with the power shift that children created in our relationship, that we formalized the M/s relationship as a conscious structure.

If you read these boards, it seems to be a growing trend - married couples who superimpose M/s dynamics on an existing relationship.

But there are also many people seeking Masters as a potential sexual partner and/or soul-mate. If you're seeking a Master as potential sexual partner, I would advise you to look on fetlife to find the BDSM community in your area. Meet people in public gatherings. See how reality compares to your fantasies.

If you're seeking a soul-mate, be careful about online Masters. It's too easy to mistake the fantasy you are creating for the real thing.
 
It is wonderful to hear about your life. You have made me realise something I have never known before that I to am a slave. It is a beautiful life.
 
God speaks to each of us before we are,
Before he's formed us — then, in cloudy speech,
But only then, he speaks these words to each
And silently walks with us from the dark:

Driven by your senses, dare
To the edge of longing. Grow
Like a fire's shadowcasting glare
Behind assembled things, so you can spread
Their shapes on me as clothes.
Don't leave me bare.

Let it all happen to you: beauty and dread.
Simply go — no feeling is too much —
And only this way can we stay in touch.

Near here is the land
That they call Life.
You'll know when you arrive
By how real it is.

Give me your hand.

- Rainer Maria Rilke
 
Tomorrow is my birthday.

In our house, it is one day I am allowed to do exactly what I want to do. (Mothers Day is the other day of freedom each year.)

In all honesty, I do what I want on other days, too - but on those days I suffer the consequences.

Tomorrow, I will not suffer.

And all I can imagine is to - once again - give myself away, wrapped in the binding ribbons of erotic service.

The best gift I can give myself.
 
Tomorrow is my birthday.

In our house, it is one day I am allowed to do exactly what I want to do. (Mothers Day is the other day of freedom each year.)

In all honesty, I do what I want on other days, too - but on those days I suffer the consequences.

Tomorrow, I will not suffer.

And all I can imagine is to - once again - give myself away, wrapped in the binding ribbons of erotic service.

The best gift I can give myself.

Sending you an early "happiest of all birthdays", es! I hope the coming year brings you nothing but luck, health, and happiness! Enjoy!
:rose:
 
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