Dusting off my pen...here it goes

These were posted in a different threads and it was wisely suggested I start a thread of my own to get actual feedback. I'm sorry for two poems at once - I wouldn't normally bombard like this but since they were already posted I just moved them here for better 'housekeeping'.
Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read them.....

Just Plain Hazel

I am told that my eyes are just plain hazel.
I know there is nothing plain about them,
But it's not easy to admit.
Some days my eyes are blue, a reflection of my
sadness at the loss of you.
Other days my they are green, with the ripe
jealousy that someone else might hold your heart.
Most days, though, my eyes are the
kaleidoscope that makes up hazel,
from the browns of bittersweet moments,
to the emeralds of lush fields of memories,
But every day...every day I close my eyes,
and their shade does not matter.
Because my memories of you are drenched with
the swirl of colors you brought to my world.

Ok, this is the first poem I've written since I dusted off my pen and brushed the cobwebs off:

Darkness slips into cracks and crevasses
Missed by unconcerned glance
Eroding minutely
Grain by grain
Until
Steps falter
Stubbed, twisted
Cruel, hungry shadow
Sinks in with jagged teeth
Damage done, found by casual step
Repair only a hope that patchwork will last

Matryoshka said:

These were posted in a different threads and it was wisely suggested I start a thread of my own to get actual feedback. I'm sorry for two poems at once - I wouldn't normally bombard like this but since they were already posted I just moved them here for better 'housekeeping'.



Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read them.....

Click to expand...

When it comes to bombarding, you have a long way to go before catching up to me.

Matryoshka said:

Just Plain Hazel

I am told that my eyes are just plain hazel.
I know there is nothing plain about them,
But it's not easy to admit.
Some days my eyes are blue, a reflection of my
sadness at the loss of you.
Other days my they are green, with the ripe
jealousy that someone else might hold your heart.
Most days, though, my eyes are the
kaleidoscope that makes up hazel,
from the browns of bittersweet moments,
to the emeralds of lush fields of memories,
But every day...every day I close my eyes,
and their shade does not matter.
Because my memories of you are drenched with
the swirl of colors you brought to my world.

Click to expand...

When you mention swirl of colors, I immediately associate it with an artist with a brush mixing up colors on a palette.

So, if it already hasn't been suggested, I would replace kaleidoscope with palette.

Also, I would remove but, and and because and read it back to yourself to see if they were really necessary.

By the way, lovely poem.

Matryoshka said:

T

Ok, this is the first poem I've written since I dusted off my pen and brushed the cobwebs off:

Darkness slips into cracks and crevasses
Missed by unconcerned glance
Eroding minutely
Grain by grain
Until
Steps falter
Stubbed, twisted
Cruel, hungry shadow
Sinks in with jagged teeth
Damage done, found by casual step
Repair only a hope that patchwork will last

Click to expand...

commented on Hazel, this - interesting visual, what is it about? Looks like a pothole.
Whatever it is, localize it someway, it is too general.

Matryoshka said:

Ok, this is the first poem I've written since I dusted off my pen and brushed the cobwebs off:

Darkness slips into cracks and crevasses
Missed by unconcerned glance
Eroding minutely
Grain by grain
Until
Steps falter
Stubbed, twisted
Cruel, hungry shadow
Sinks in with jagged teeth
Damage done, found by casual step
Repair only a hope that patchwork will last

Click to expand...

If you go through a thread of forms I found, I think you'll find this shape has a name

UnderYourSpell said:

If you go through a thread of forms I found, I think you'll find this shape has a name

Click to expand...

I looked through briefly and didn't see one that applied but there are a lot of links to still go through.

Mostly it was just symbolism...

Matryoshka said:

I looked through briefly and didn't see one that applied but there are a lot of links to still go through.

Mostly it was just symbolism...

Click to expand...

counting syllables, dropping in slots
still looks like a pothole, what is it all about?

twelveoone said:

commented on Hazel, this - interesting visual, what is it about? Looks like a pothole.
Whatever it is, localize it someway, it is too general.

Click to expand...

In truth I was general for two reasons...first I was hoping the imagery might bring a few things to mind and perhaps someone would see through it to the real topic. Then again the second reason I was so general was because I was afraid someone would see through it. Which is ridiculous. I've made some adjustments and tried again below. (It's supposed to be in the jagged shape of a letter.)

Magnetron said:

When it comes to bombarding, you have a long way to go before catching up to me.

When you mention swirl of colors, I immediately associate it with an artist with a brush mixing up colors on a palette.

So, if it already hasn't been suggested, I would replace kaleidoscope with palette.

Also, I would remove but, and and because and read it back to yourself to see if they were really necessary.

By the way, lovely poem.

Click to expand...

Some of your suggestions were spot on to the great ideas from twelveoone. The others I like as well. I'm definitely going to make adjustments and will repost once I'm satisfied.

Second attempt on this one, but hoping I've not made it too obvious. (I almost replaced bit by bit with cell by cell but hated it.) Though I realized a title would also have been helpful -smacking hand to forehead.

Hungry Shadow

Darkness slips into cracks and crevasses
Missed by unsuspecting glance
Eroding minutely
Bit by bit
Until
Steps falter
Feeling jagged teeth
Of cruel, hungry shadow
Fear tinges hard work ahead
A race for repair, hope patchwork will last

Matryoshka said:

In truth I was general for two reasons...first I was hoping the imagery might bring a few things to mind and perhaps someone would see through it to the real topic. Then again the second reason I was so general was because I was afraid someone would see through it. Which is ridiculous. I've made some adjustments and tried again below. (It's supposed to be in the jagged shape of a letter.)

Click to expand...

In both versions, what I saw was something bad happening beneath the surface, unnoticed... until... steps falter. And then, Fearful hope that the patchwork lasts. Depending on the choice of words, it could be seen as a write on any bad thing that goes unnoticed. An event that is happening and surprises you, a friendship going sour until suddenly reaching the breaking point, or a relationship of any kind interrupted by betrayal.

Your choice of words, however, does narrow it down. "Grain by grain" was a big tell, but indeed. "cell by cell" would be too much. Hungry shadow — something of mine, but that isn't me — also another big tell.

Here is a tool that twelveoone presented to me: you can have the main body of your text be inscrutable, and point toward meaning with a few lines at the beginning. This way, you create a boundary for the reader, while still allowing him to infer whatever he chooses from the main text. Take a look at what he is doing in "I, the shadow", or what I do in my bonsai poem.

I like it, strong words. "Stubbed, twisted" threw me off at first, but I think it was good, too. Hm, this feedback isn't very useful. We need Ms. butters, here...

Matryoshka said:

In truth I was general for two reasons...first I was hoping the imagery might bring a few things to mind and perhaps someone would see through it to the real topic. Then again the second reason I was so general was because I was afraid someone would see through it. Which is ridiculous. I've made some adjustments and tried again below. (It's supposed to be in the jagged shape of a letter.)




Some of your suggestions were spot on to the great ideas from twelveoone. The others I like as well. I'm definitely going to make adjustments and will repost once I'm satisfied.

Second attempt on this one, but hoping I've not made it too obvious. (I almost replaced bit by bit with cell by cell but hated it.) Though I realized a title would also have been helpful -smacking hand to forehead.

Hungry Shadow

Darkness slips into cracks and crevasses
Missed by unsuspecting glance
Eroding minutely
Bit by bit
Until
Steps falter
Feeling jagged teeth
Of cruel, hungry shadow
Fear tinges hard work ahead
A race for repair, hope patchwork will last

Click to expand...

smacks hand to forehead also
cell by cell may not be a bad choice L sound cruel, falter

Missed by unsuspecting glance
Missed by my failed careless glance (?) redundancy?
Approach poetry as a problem, set it up so it is a problem for the reader, but not overly so, work it so it says without saying(there is nothing original in that)
Modify the form?

* smacks Twelve's hand against his head knocking it into Matroyshka's head *

Nyuck yuck yuck

Just a suggestion.

This is poem in particular could be written backwards as an experiment to discover new ways of writing it forwards ( or leaving it backwards ).

For example

Darkness slips into cracks and crevasses
Missed by unsuspecting glance
Eroding minutely
Bit by bit
Until
Steps falter
Feeling jagged teeth
Of cruel, hungry shadow
Fear tinges hard work ahead
A race for repair, hope patchwork will last

Hasty patchwork, repair's only hope
As fear tinges hard work ahead
Cruel shadow hungering
Forming jagged teeth
Faltering steps
Until
Bit by bit
Minute erosions
Unsuspecting glances missing
Cracks and crevasses infiltrated by darkness

Matryoshka said:

Just Plain Hazel

I am told that my eyes are just plain hazel.
I know there is nothing plain about them,
But it's not easy to admit.
Some days my eyes are blue, a reflection of my
sadness at the loss of you.
Other days my they are green, with the ripe
jealousy that someone else might hold your heart.
Most days, though, my eyes are the
kaleidoscope that makes up hazel,
from the browns of bittersweet moments,
to the emeralds of lush fields of memories,
But every day...every day I close my eyes,
and their shade does not matter.
Because my memories of you are drenched with
the swirl of colors you brought to my world.

Ok, this is the first poem I've written since I dusted off my pen and brushed the cobwebs off:

Click to expand...

My allergies oh well. and only because i was following in that other thread
commenting is work and every one knows that Harry is lazy, so, in lieu of a comment this is what i think you should work toward. (imho) leaving this with the usual disclaimer and the hope you will find it somehow helpful.
..
I am told that my eyes are just plain hazel.
there's nothing plain about them,
not easy to admit.
Some days blue, a reflection of sadness
at the loss of you.
Other days green, with ripe jealousy
that someone else might hold your heart.

Most days, though, eyes the
kaleidoscope of hazel, show
browns of bittersweet moments,
emeralds, lush fields of memories,
But every day...every day I close my eyes,
knowing shade does not matter.
my memories are drenched with
the swirl of colors you brought to my world.

Magnetron said:

When it comes to bombarding, you have a long way to go before catching up to me.

Click to expand...

lmao Magenetron

Matryoshka said:

Darkness slips into cracks and crevasses
Missed by unconcerned glance
Eroding minutely
Grain by grain
Until
Steps falter
Stubbed, twisted
Cruel, hungry shadow
Sinks in with jagged teeth
Damage done, found by casual step
Repair only a hope that patchwork will last

Click to expand...

hello. Matryoshka
despite tso's faith in me, i found your first version here confusing: grain by grain had me thinking of beaches or cliff-faces, and stubbed, twisted definitely had me thinking along the lines of misstepping - so 12's comments kind of echoed where i was going in the thought process. it seemed to lean heavily as a metaphor for the damage caused by stepping unsuspectingly into some kind of hole - an argument/bad relationship, perhaps, that might be patched up but the sense of feeling safe as a normality had been spoiled. I was so chasing my own tail with this i completely missed that the shape was supposed to be a C. And C is for . . . .

Matryoshka said:

In truth I was general for two reasons...first I was hoping the imagery might bring a few things to mind and perhaps someone would see through it to the real topic. Then again the second reason I was so general was because I was afraid someone would see through it. Which is ridiculous. I've made some adjustments and tried again below. (It's supposed to be in the jagged shape of a letter.)




Second attempt on this one, but hoping I've not made it too obvious. (I almost replaced bit by bit with cell by cell but hated it.) Though I realized a title would also have been helpful -smacking hand to forehead.

Hungry Shadow

Darkness slips into cracks and crevasses
Missed by unsuspecting glance
Eroding minutely
Bit by bit
Until
Steps falter
Feeling jagged teeth
Of cruel, hungry shadow
Fear tinges hard work ahead
A race for repair, hope patchwork will last

Click to expand...

when it comes to shaped poetry, the appearance might be different,, one reader to the next due to screen size/resolution affecting layout. Your use of a title here helps, since 'shadow' has more obvious associations medically; Hungry lends overtones of greed, of consuming. Combine these with the shaping, we're getting the message - at least i think we are. I agree with 12 that cell could be employed - you've lost 'grain' and 'bit by bit' feels a little weak and 'minutely'... hmmn, it doesn't sit well for me, though may for others; if you don't want to use cell by cell, you need something to suggest the molecular proportions, and though it is eroding the ''good'', the hungry shadow is feeding, is growing and has to be stopped in its tracks. I do think the 'steps falter' and 'jagged teeth' are important and need to stay. Repeating 'hungry'? not sure. perhaps a different word to say the same, to suggest its need. So things were missed, and now are found. It's like stepping into a pothole and getting torn, badly. The message is there, the fear is palpable as is the awareness of what lies ahead - the uphill, uncertain fight.

It takes a certain kind of bravery, honesty and openness to write about the reality, especially without any sign of the maudlin approach; you manage to engage me as a reader, get me thinking, have me empathising and hoping the repair does its job and is more than a patch-of-the-moment.

keep writing, keep refining, use what you know and feel to good effect. thankyou for sharing and please take my thoughts as simply my opinion that's open to change.

Glad to see this moved, and wishing you luck. See what tso did with his, weighed all the options and came up with a better poem, while retaining the original intent.

About the first poem, here is my trimming, again:

Hazel eyes, but not plain
they have the color of what I feel.
(Here is what I feel)
blue, green and brown emotions...
But
when I close my eyes,
they are colored by memories of you

I can see the point being made about color = emotion being a cliché. However, if this is the case, it seems to make the poem inviable, since you cannot get to the idea of hazel eyes as a swirl of emotions. Perhaps I do not understand 12's idea of "green scene", "blue scene", etc. as a way of avoiding the cliché.

...and now that I said that, I'm reminded of the movie "Hero", due to the color thing.

So, any ideas as for how to make this not be a cliché, but keep the initial concept of the poem?

matryoshka - is that supposed to be a C, or is it a more jagged V? i assumed C but a V would have connotations that fit (in my mind) better with your opening line

Magnetron said:

Just a suggestion.

This is poem in particular could be written backwards as an experiment to discover new ways of writing it forwards ( or leaving it backwards ).

For example

Darkness slips into cracks and crevasses
Missed by unsuspecting glance
Eroding minutely
Bit by bit
Until
Steps falter
Feeling jagged teeth
Of cruel, hungry shadow
Fear tinges hard work ahead
A race for repair, hope patchwork will last

Hasty patchwork, repair's only hope
As fear tinges hard work ahead
Cruel shadow hungering
Forming jagged teeth
Faltering steps
Until
Bit by bit
Minute erosions
Unsuspecting glances missing
Cracks and crevasses infiltrated by darkness

Click to expand...

Hmmm, a very interesting method. It creates a very different picture and message. In the first (my) version it begins with poison seeping in unknown, then found by mistake, and dealt with.
In the second version (yours) it's quite the opposite. Begins at the 'fix' stage but the darkness seems to take over, leaving a sense of hopelessness.
Both very powerful and for me create strong emotions.
Though, I like the more positive view for obvious reasons.

butters said:

matryoshka - is that supposed to be a C, or is it a more jagged V? i assumed C but a V would have connotations that fit (in my mind) better with your opening line

Click to expand...

It is supposed to be a jagged C, suggesting teeth perhaps.
I learned a valuable lesson with this poem. It you're going to write about something, write about it and don't beat about the bush like a coward. It just confuses the reader and negates any value it started with.

In a mood today...

For proper etiquette
use soft tones
curses prohibited
keeping everyone happy

Yelling is forbidden
only weak show emotion
utmost lady

Now be sexy enough
on righteous queue
try to be like her

Make me hard, baby
Erotica on a schedule

Matryoshka said:

For proper etiquette
use soft tones
curses prohibited
keeping everyone happy

Yelling is forbidden
only weak show emotion
utmost lady

Now be sexy enough
on righteous queue
try to be like her

Make me hard, baby
Erotica on a schedule

Click to expand...

Ouch, 're
Really stong write, sounds repressed and frustrated, maybe drop the comma after hard?

todski28 said:

Ouch, 're
Really stong write, sounds repressed and frustrated, maybe drop the comma after hard?

Click to expand...

You know, I took the comma out and in a zillion times...just the fact that I did should have told me not to keep it. Thanks

re: tightrope, as you add, subtract
you are doing fine, btw. But be leery of abstraction. A tightrope walk is dangerous, a balance, a foot on a wire, step by step, feel the wind.

Best.
as said, piece by piece it becomes a mosaic
words, tools, the reader get's the picture.

Matryoshka said:

For proper etiquette
use soft tones
curses prohibited
keeping everyone happy

Yelling is forbidden
only weak show emotion
utmost lady

Now be sexy enough
on righteous queue
try to be like her

Make me hard, baby
Erotica on a schedule

Click to expand...

My thoughts, Matryoshka (I love that name because of the dolls.) if you're interested:

"curses" could be replaced by a specific expletive to be more graphic than abstract, e.g., "goddams prohibited" This also vulgarizes the man speaking to her and sets up the last two lines.

For me the sonics work better with

"curses (or other expletive) prohibited
.......
Yelling's forbidden"

"...enough/on righteous queue:: I think "on righteous queue" is by definition "enough" for the speaker. Hence, I suggest it's redundant. Besides, I again the sonics work better with:

"Now be sexy
on righteous queue"

I really like the last 3 lines.

greenmountaineer said:

My thoughts, Matryoshka (I love that name because of the dolls.) if you're interested:

"curses" could be replaced by a specific expletive to be more graphic than abstract, e.g., "goddams prohibited" This also vulgarizes the man speaking to her and sets up the last two lines.

For me the sonics work better with

"curses (or other expletive) prohibited
.......
Yelling's forbidden"

"...enough/on righteous queue:: I think "on righteous queue" is by definition "enough" for the speaker. Hence, I suggest it's redundant. Besides, I again the sonics work better with:

"Now be sexy
on righteous queue"

I really like the last 3 lines.

Click to expand...

What he said.

Matryoshka said:

You know, I took the comma out and in a zillion times...just the fact that I did should have told me not to keep it. Thanks

Click to expand...

Baby, make me hard
Erotica on a schedule

Matryoshka, keep the comma.