Changing roles

If anyone has done this or can point me to another thread, your response would be very kind. My husband and i have been together a decade and in the past year we have started seeing a therapist because my husband is dissatisfied. We have children and i love him, and after the initial shock, I'm happy he has tried to make our relationship meaningful by telling me the truth about how he feels.

That said, one of his issues with us is that he never told me he is a switch. I have always been submissive in bed. Primarily because i get positive feedback in the form of his interest by that behavior. When i get more forward or even direct in initiating sex, he loses interest. But now i learn that he has been missing the feeling of vulnerability to a dominant woman. I would totally be game to try, though i dont feel so confident given my lack of experience, which worries me since confidence seems a prerequisite.

Complicating matters and further reducing my confidence is that he also said he would be "disgusted" if I even try "to control him sexually". The implication is that theres something about me or how he sees me that means he can't handle our swapping roles during sex.

One time after he'd given me a playful spanking time i asked if he'd ever like me to reciprocate (before he had explicitly announced it would disgust him.) And he did nearly walk away, exclaiming "No, no, oh god no!" and laughing derisively. So I figure thats what i have to overcome.

But given that he'll never feel complete without this and the the thought of sex in new ways with him really turns me on and we like each other otherwise and would like to save our marriage if possible, i would like ideas on how i can get him to see me differently.

Other issues with our marriage need addressing, but I think without his envisioning a solution to this one, he isn't all that motivated on other fronts either. Any advice would be welcome.

To be totally honest, I think you're barking up the wrong tree. You're not going to save the other parts of your marriage by starting off with sex. He says he wants to be dominated but the thought of it being done by you would disgust him. That's really lame and actually quite unbelievable to me. I think what he's saying is that he wants a sexual relationship with someone else, like a "hall pass". My thought is that he is already cheating on you. My advice is to get divorced.

subwannabe said:

To be totally honest, I think you're barking up the wrong tree. You're not going to save the other parts of your marriage by starting off with sex. He says he wants to be dominated but the thought of it being done by you would disgust him. That's really lame and actually quite unbelievable to me. I think what he's saying is that he wants a sexual relationship with someone else, like a "hall pass". My thought is that he is already cheating on you. My advice is to get divorced.

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I dunno.... he may have been just keeping it a secret because he thought it would make him seem less like a man. Maybe he's insecure in his own marriage. After all, she is just now finding out he's a switch.

You might also try the BDSM forum with this one; there are some friendly and knowledgeable posters there.

Subwannabe may be right - he may be angling for permission to satisfy that side of things elsewhere. I know couples who've had success with arrangements like that, where they were emotionally but not sexually compatible. But nonmonogamy isn't easy, especially when it sounds like there are other issues in your relationship right now. And you have every right to say "that's not what I signed up for and I couldn't deal with that" if it's how you feel about that idea.

Perhaps it might be helpful to ask him how he's suggesting the two of you might deal with this? I'm a great believer in partners working together to resolve things like this, but in a situation that's been brought about by his misjudgement he needs to contribute to the problem-solving.

Your husband is definitely giving you mixed messages! I'm guessing his goal is along the lines of what subwannabe said (he's probably already doing something behind your back, but it may not involve any sexual contact, and he wants a pass to clear his conscience and otherwise protect himself), although I hate that "get a divorce" line! It's almost never that simple, especially when there are kids to consider.

You said you two have been seeing a therapist; have you talked about this issue in therapy? Honestly, I think it has the potential to be such a big can of worms that you're best off trying to sort it out with a skilled (hopefully sex-positive) professional.

And you'd better start thinking about how much you might be comfortable compromising on this issue. Would you be OK with your husband playing with a Domme online? In person? With you present? Without you present? Sexual contact? Is it OK if he pays for services or gives "tributes"/gifts, or does your family have other financial commitments? Etc.

It might work, it might not, but at least you'll know you tried your best either way.

The more I think about this the more I think he is already cheating on her with two subcategories:

1. He has found his Dom already

2. The whole Dom thing is just a smokescreen and he isn't really into it at all

I don't think the problem has anything to do with sex. Sex does not have the potential to break up a loving couple. I would suggest you two see a psychologist, and specifically a psychologist, not a marriage therapist.

I wish you the best of luck.

olaway said:

If anyone has done this or can point me to another thread, your response would be very kind. My husband and i have been together a decade and in the past year we have started seeing a therapist because my husband is dissatisfied. We have children and i love him, and after the initial shock, I'm happy he has tried to make our relationship meaningful by telling me the truth about how he feels.

That said, one of his issues with us is that he never told me he is a switch. I have always been submissive in bed. Primarily because i get positive feedback in the form of his interest by that behavior. When i get more forward or even direct in initiating sex, he loses interest. But now i learn that he has been missing the feeling of vulnerability to a dominant woman. I would totally be game to try, though i dont feel so confident given my lack of experience, which worries me since confidence seems a prerequisite.

Complicating matters and further reducing my confidence is that he also said he would be "disgusted" if I even try "to control him sexually". The implication is that theres something about me or how he sees me that means he can't handle our swapping roles during sex.

One time after he'd given me a playful spanking time i asked if he'd ever like me to reciprocate (before he had explicitly announced it would disgust him.) And he did nearly walk away, exclaiming "No, no, oh god no!" and laughing derisively. So I figure thats what i have to overcome.

But given that he'll never feel complete without this and the the thought of sex in new ways with him really turns me on and we like each other otherwise and would like to save our marriage if possible, i would like ideas on how i can get him to see me differently.

Other issues with our marriage need addressing, but I think without his envisioning a solution to this one, he isn't all that motivated on other fronts either. Any advice would be welcome.

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It is quite possible that he is conflicted himself - likes the idea of being submissive but can't quite bring himself to accept it or is able to accept it but can't bring himself to let you see that side of him. The net result being that he is projecting that onto you.

Alternatively, he has a hard time seeing you in that role and it isn't so much that you aren't or can't be a credible dom but if you aren't a natural (so to speak) he would think you are just doing it for him. It is pretty tough to open yourself up that much and not feel like the other person is 100% into it - and caring as you may be if he knows you are doing it for him (as opposed to being just as interested in the possibility yourself) it will feel patronizing.

Lastly, women can be every bit as superficial and judgmental as men. The topics may be different but it is imbedded pretty deeply in our psychology that a woman will leave you or lose respect if she sees you as less than optimally manly. He doesn't want that to happen with you - it doesn't matter with someone who he doesn't care about.

Or that is all bullshit, just offering some male perspective.

He tells you he needs a dominant woman. Then, when you express complete willingness to fulfill his need, he tells you he needs you to never try to dominate him...but he still totally needs a dominant woman. It looks like he's just looking for an excuse to be with another woman. He wants a way to tell himself that he has to cheat or open the relationship because you just can't satisfy all his needs, even though that's bullshit and you're totally ready and willing to satisfy all his needs. My conclusion is that his *real* need is to be with multiple women, and he's just using this "you can't be a Domme" thing as an excuse.

littlecordelera said:

I don't think the problem has anything to do with sex. Sex does not have the potential to break up a loving couple.

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This is flat-out, 100% not true. Sex can and does break up otherwise very loving relationships.

yep

very true, lack of sex or the wrong sex can ruin a marriage

I think littlecordelera was tynig to say if the couple really truly were a loving couple then they wouldn't let a little thing like sex split them up. Of course you could argue that if they truly were a loving couple then this scenario would have never gone unresolved to this point in the first place. Of course there are loving couples who split up due to sexual issues and there are others who just learn to live with it.

One of the attributes of being a submissive is shedding responsibility.

It might explain why successful men visit dom females. For however long the session lasts they don't have to make the decisions. The domme does everything to them.

In a marriage, after some time, the partnership has to adapt to differing roles as you develop as people. Having children is a significant change. The man has to become an adult, a father and to take responsibility (which the woman has to do almost as soon as she becomes pregnant!). He isn't just the, or one of the, wage-earners.

I suggest, and it's no more than a suggestion to think about, that his expressed wish to experience vulnerability to a dominant woman is really a wish for a temporary release from responsibility.

IF I am right, and it is a very large IF, then he doesn't want YOU to be that domme. That could radically change the dynamics of your relationship. You would become the domme in the bedroom, and the managing person in the marriage. It would no longer be equal partners sharing responsibility, but you making ALL the decisions. That would make him just like another of your children. Perhaps that's the tension. He feels that the children come first with you, not him.

That happens at a stage in a marriage that has children. The man feels shut out, excluded, dispossessed of his wife's love by the children. She might feel that her first priority has to be the children, and why can't he understand that? They both have to accept that the children's needs are temporarily more important than anything else in their marriage but somehow - and it is hard - make room and time to express their love to each other as well.

Once the children grow up and leave home, their parents should be able to rediscover themselves as a couple, and fall in love again. As a grandparent I would say that's only partly true - the children and grandchildren are still more important than our relationship. We just have to fit it around their continuing needs. But after many decades together, we know we love each other. We don't have to demonstrate it every day if a crisis occurs with the children or grandchildren. We know that love is there, and will be tomorrow.

To conclude: All I have written above is just suggestions that might not apply in this relationship. But it might help you in discussions with the therapist.

Edited for PS:

I explored the relationship with a professional domme at length in one of my stories. It is FICTION, and intended to entertain, but it does look at some of the reasons why men like dommes, at least as a release from normal life.

It might help you think about your problems. If it does, I'd be satisfied.

https://www.literotica.com/s/flawed-red-silk-ch-09

It is possible that he is just trying to create cover for a desire to be with other women. But I certainly wouldn't go straight to that conclusion.

Being dominated is a very specific desire and experience quite apart from simply cheating. And having done this for a few men I would say it was generally linked to a desire for an escape from responsibility. My being a relative unknown made the experience more credible and more of an escape from existing circumstances and the potential of judgment.