When did you first realize you were submissive or dominant? (No underage content!)

Growing up I always wanted to be a dominatrix, until I realized what they actually did. Then I was like 'oh that sounds terrible, can't I just have someone do that TO me instead' That sounds much more fun.

WildFawn said:

I am in my mid-50s. I always felt conflicted somehow. When I was very small my mean cousins and the neighbor boys would rough me up and my dad taught me to fight back. He said he couldn't always be around to protect me. So I learned to go against my natural inclination and be more aggressive. When I was about 16, a friend of my father's got angry at me for being sarcastic and rude and he told me that I was the sweetest person he knew, but I was determined not to be sweet so I was rude to try to hide it. That always stuck with me.

Only a month or so ago, a person on this thread gave me some info I'd asked for and discussed the theories of D/s with me, in a very logical and nonthreatening/nonsensationalized way. It was like a light switch flipping on, or a dislocated shoulder suddenly popping into place. I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. It's not just or even mostly about sex, although that's better now, too. I see now how I've instinctively interacted with others and how I can better fit in now. I don't feel that I'm somehow not doing as much as I should, not being as aggressive or as go-getter as I should--I'm motivated but in a different direction now, a direction that meshes with my natural abilities and skills better.

I would highly recommend everyone to investigate this aspect of human nature more, not for kink and sex necessarily, but to better understand themselves and others. It doesn't have to be incompatible with traditional views--you can blend this understanding of basic human psychology with religious beliefs. It's all about the individual and what works best for them, with an emphasis on absolute honesty and clear communication.

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That's so great to hear you got that figured out! Yaayy

In college when I chose to live a gay lifestyle ( closet back in the late 80s 90s). And due to other circumstances. I was very dominant with men. I say since I realized so much about that lifestyle and my love for women. I’m still dominate but more lower case dominate even a bit sub for women. Making it clear I’ll do nearly everything

Not Sure

I have always been easy going and flexible, trying to avoid confrontation. I am sure the first signs were when I felt excitement when guys flirted or embraced my wife. Instead of being mad, I felt butterflies in my stomach and flushed as I saw some of my wife's male colleagues greeting her so assertively that they were clearly trying to get a reaction out of me. I would have loved to say I loved it, but I played macho. This fostered the idea to have my wife dress hot in short skirts with sexy thigh highs and no panties and bra. She controlled that to her own level of comfort and I really enjoyed several times, but never became a true cuckold I believe. Anyway, somewhere along the line I also notice I am not the best endowed. I am just under four inches hard and have a hard time staying in my wife, so we rarely have intercourse anymore. She also refuses to suck me and sometimes add little guys do not deserve that kind of attention and has me jerk off. But, when did it start? I was in an adult theater where I liked to strip as much as I dared back in the day. Out of no where a guy sat next to me, not done in that section, and I had only a T-shirt on. Make a long story short, he took control of me easily and I discovered I enjoyed being there for him as he took his pleasure. I love that feeling of hands on my shoulders, the little push to show me how is in charge! I was in my late 30s I believe the first time.

In hindsight, I can remember early instances that would indicate a tendency towards sexual dominance, but I would have had no poubt of reference or lexicon to articulate those ideas as would be understood in BDSM-filtered way.

My frame of reference was that such urges and fantasies were depraved, rare, and not to be admitted to. Once I became aware that there were other human beings who apparently had kinky leanings, it didn't really help as I heard of such things in ways that marginalized such participants.

I think the first time that I ever heard someone say anything kinky and mixed company they repeated the joke about "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me." It got a giggle out of the group and I got the idea that it was ok to be playful about such ideas but I didn't think that anyone that I knew would be necessarily actually interested in such things. That they were just simply joking about those perverts.

Sub

When I was very young I bought little books showing male transformed into female an wished I cough be one

A dom man awoke my sub side some months ago

HisArpy said:

I have always been a dominant. I have this thing about not taking orders. From anyone. Even as a kid I wouldn't follow orders unless I wanted to do whatever it was anyway. I could be forced to do things but that's not the same thing as obeying.

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You mirror my childhood exactly. I was that "difficult" kid at school too. I would often get into arguments with my teachers (even the school Principal) when I was told to do something without any logic backing that order. I was smart and still managed to score near top of my class but the teachers mostly hated me. I also used to get into fights with bullies and beat some pretty severely in some cases, which just invited more trouble. In short, I could not, and still cannot "follow" which makes me a pretty bad team player I guess.

I think you are just born with a personality and your sexuality is just an extension of that.

Penthouse Forum

Read a story in an old Penthouse mag in the letter section many years ago. This guy picks up a women in a bar and she takes him to her place. They pass through the front room where there 's a guy watching TV . She brings him on into a bedroom where they undress and she is totally disappointed and angry in the tiny size of his penis. She storms out of the room and into the front room and fucks the guy in there. She returns and forces the guy, who at this point I wish was me , to eat out her freshly fucked pussy. I returned to this story many times and found many more like it.

Porkwarrior said:

No option for a true switch?

I learned I liked being submissive in high school when the only way I could make my gf comfortable giving me a blowjob was being handcuffed naked to her parents kitchen chair. She liked that a little TOO much.

I also learned I love being dominant the first time I just growled at a girl on a dead end road by the airport, pushed her face down on the hood of my car, and just TOOK her. Without saying a word. She sent me a message on Facebook 20yrs later saying she still gets wet thinking about that.


So I'm greedy, I enjoy both.

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True switches are rare. How long? Don’t be surprised if it changes as your life changes. I am trying to get back to playing dominant roles after being submissive to three talented dominants. My switch may be switched off

precummer said:

Read a story in an old Penthouse mag in the letter section many years ago. This guy picks up a women in a bar and she takes him to her place. They pass through the front room where there 's a guy watching TV . She brings him on into a bedroom where they undress and she is totally disappointed and angry in the tiny size of his penis. She storms out of the room and into the front room and fucks the guy in there. She returns and forces the guy, who at this point I wish was me , to eat out her freshly fucked pussy. I returned to this story many times and found many more like it.

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Your desire to serve makes you a very good prospect for submission. Have you ever been trained?

WildFawn said:

I am in my mid-50s. I always felt conflicted somehow. When I was very small my mean cousins and the neighbor boys would rough me up and my dad taught me to fight back. He said he couldn't always be around to protect me. So I learned to go against my natural inclination and be more aggressive. When I was about 16, a friend of my father's got angry at me for being sarcastic and rude and he told me that I was the sweetest person he knew, but I was determined not to be sweet so I was rude to try to hide it. That always stuck with me.

Only a month or so ago, a person on this thread gave me some info I'd asked for and discussed the theories of D/s with me, in a very logical and nonthreatening/nonsensationalized way. It was like a light switch flipping on, or a dislocated shoulder suddenly popping into place. I feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. It's not just or even mostly about sex, although that's better now, too. I see now how I've instinctively interacted with others and how I can better fit in now. I don't feel that I'm somehow not doing as much as I should, not being as aggressive or as go-getter as I should--I'm motivated but in a different direction now, a direction that meshes with my natural abilities and skills better.

I would highly recommend everyone to investigate this aspect of human nature more, not for kink and sex necessarily, but to better understand themselves and others. It doesn't have to be incompatible with traditional views--you can blend this understanding of basic human psychology with religious beliefs. It's all about the individual and what works best for them, with an emphasis on absolute honesty and clear communication.

Click to expand...

Congratulations and good luck on your journey. It’s about building relationships too. Have you put up a profile on fetlife? Lots to learn and people to meet. And you are right true submission is not about sex but about surrendering your sexual desire to another. It’s so much more too and it’s a lot of responsibility for the dominant. You will meet all kinds but don’t be deterred! Let me know if you have any questions

sreedevi77 said:

A dom man awoke my sub side some months ago

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A dom took my submission to another level

For me it was a process..

I guess I was mid 30’s when I was lead or pushed in the dominant direction by my husband. It was not a natural thing, I had always been the more laid back person in the relationship. My husband needed or wanted (I was not sure at the time.) me to be more assertive everywhere.

The process started with him as all men do, with him trying to top from the bottom. Once I broke him of that, and because it frustrated me I used it to my advantage.

It took a fair amount of time for me to be sort of comfortable with my more Domme side, some might say I’m still coming into it.

So I would say I was 38 when I really realized I was capable.

I don't know if I've answered this thread or not. I know I posted in a previous thread, but it's long gone, I'm sure.

Let's just say I've always known I was dominant, sexually. I could even tell stories from very early life (for the record, I was 18), but this was way before any of us even knew what was going on.

But, once in high school, I seemed to be the only one who knew about any of it. When we were younger, we were into experimenting. In high school, I think some worried about social pressures. This was back when there was no Internet, and only those who read Playboy or Penthouse were aware. Strange that rags like those acted like encyclopedias.

My neighbor girl seemed over sexed and early on, she had a developed body. We had fun experimenting together. She's now a mayor of a California city. I like to think I helped give her the confidence to get that far. LOL.

P.S. Trying to make this less obvious.

Never any formal training. The feeling just seems natural.

precummer said:

Read a story in an old Penthouse mag in the letter section many years ago. This guy picks up a women in a bar and she takes him to her place. They pass through the front room where there 's a guy watching TV . She brings him on into a bedroom where they undress and she is totally disappointed and angry in the tiny size of his penis. She storms out of the room and into the front room and fucks the guy in there. She returns and forces the guy, who at this point I wish was me , to eat out her freshly fucked pussy. I returned to this story many times and found many more like it.

Click to expand...

I guess because got off reading this story and others like it told me I would submit to this woman and other dominate people. Then I began to wonder what semen would taste like so I sampled my own and at first I was repulsed by it but then after repeated samplings I aquired a taste for it. Really like pre-cum too. So anyway fantasize a lot about being a submissive but have never went beyond the fantasy.

HisArpy said:

I have always been a dominant. I have this thing about not taking orders. From anyone. Even as a kid I wouldn't follow orders unless I wanted to do whatever it was anyway. I could be forced to do things but that's not the same thing as obeying.

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Was the same way for 34 years, didnt identify as a dominant just did my own thing, to the idiotic detriment. But due to life throwing heaps of bricks at me, and after trying close to 50 dommes got there. I still dont consider myself submissive just submissive to one person.

And while i was aware of it prior it has been very clear since how big a flaw the lack of flexibility was. Oaks break in the storm while the willow endures.

Had my first 30 years ago and loved it. The surrender the dominance, everything. I realized I am a switch a few years ago and enjoy training submissive too. But you never forget your first time

.....

Many submissive women have stressful or demanding day jobs. Since my former neighbor is now a mayor, it seems like she might still be into submission. If you didn't know, quite a few women who are CEOs or company owners or big bosses who hire and fire their employees are sexually submissive. Their subconscious mind comes out and takes over. Just a thought.

Love this!

My first experience was the best friends brother who didn't like my bratty attitude towards him. I was a moody teen who placed her anger on people who cared about me.

It got me spanked,sexed up for the first time and told to be a good girl.

It opened up a lot of mixed feelings I wanted to be good for the loving feeling I also wanted to be bad just to see what he would do.

We parted ways as a couple about a year later. By the time the relationship ended I was firmly submissive.
In saying that my bratty nature still wins out most of the time

My first realization

Long post, so fair warning...

The story of my emergence into BDSM and the revelation of my own dominant nature began with the end of my first marriage, and at the age of 28. In late January of 2001, my first wife (we'll call her Stacy) and I decided to end things, and I began looking for a place to live. It would take me about three more months to find a place, and prior to moving out of Stacy’s house, we were both invited to the wedding of a mutual friend, whom we'll call Betty. Betty had divorced two years prior, and was now getting remarried. At the wedding, Stacy and I were surprised to see Becky’s ex-husband there (a mutual ex-friend of ours), who was apparently getting along somewhat well with Becky still. It got Stacy and I talking about how we would be after the divorce. She asked me, if she got remarried, would I come to the wedding if invited. I had never thought about it before, but I said sure, why not? I then I asked her the same question. She got a very pensive look on her face, and then said “Yeah probably, but if you ever were to get remarried, it needs to be with a submissive woman.” The tone was obviously one of condescension, as Stacy equated submission with weakness in women.

Stacy and I had both grown into headstrong personalities after getting married in our late 20s, and frequently butted heads. Apparently, she thought I would be happier with someone who would be (to her) a doormat for me, and not assert themselves. I really didn’t think much of it at the time, but for some reason, the words stuck with me. So one day I discover a new profile on AOL, and it is for a woman around my age who actually was self-identifying as “submissive”, and was seemingly proud of the fact. I was intrigued, and contacted her, being as cordial and non-hook-up-y as I could be. The only things I knew about S&M were what got conjured in my mind from the movies or cultural references; mostly rich New York stockbrokers paying dominatrixes to spank them and whatnot. I knew nothing about BDSM as a lifestyle or a type of relationship, and admitted as such to this woman, whom we'll call Vanessa. Vanessa was a paralegal at a law firm in the small city I had grown up nearby, and actually served as the office manager, pretty much the highest non-attorney on that particular totem pole.

Vanessa and I talked online and on the phone for a few weeks, and she told me about the lifestyle. She also provided me with a great many links to websites and pages explaining things in even better detail. I ravenously absorbed every ounce of info I could find about BDSM; I couldn’t get enough. It wasn’t every day that I learned about something completely new to me, and something so fascinating, arousing, and surprisingly relatable as this! I would ask Vanessa about things I had read for clarification, and she would offer her personal take on things. It was amazing to me, and she was very open and honest. After more reading and self-assessment, I began to think I could relate to the concept of being a Dominant. I wasn’t terribly sure at first, as the entire concept sounded a bit arrogant. But I decided to screw up my courage, and I asked Vanessa out to dinner. No ulterior motives, I just wanted to finally meet this amazing woman who had introduced me to an entirely unknown universe.

We met for dinner in early July, and it was marvelous. The conversation flowed like water. She had a niece with some congenital heart defects, that was going to be having surgery, so I asked a lot about all that. We talked about my work, her work, music, travel, food… it was just very natural and easy and fun. She was super smart, and there wasn’t anything trivial or shallow about our discourse. I felt a genuine connection. Then at long last the plates were empty and glasses had been drained dry, and we parted ways, with the summer evening still partially in daylight. I went back to my rented room, beaming. As was my habit, I plopped back down at my computer and got online to find friends to chat with. As it turned out, Vanessa was there as well. We reiterated to each other about how much we enjoyed the evening, and each other’s company. Then she said, “I wish it had not had to end.”

If the expression of "beaming" had produced actual light, I would have blinded everyone in a two-mile radius. After collecting myself from a “squeeeeee” that could have deafened dogs, I said “Well, I suppose it doesn’t have to. Would you like to go grab a drink downtown?” She readily agreed and I went to her place to pick her up. We went to a loud bar downtown and had beers and talked more and more and more, this time more so about the lifestyle and things we were into (or in my case, curious about). Eventually, it got to be very late and I took her back home, where she invited me inside. She put on a Van Morrison CD, we sat on her couch, and she laid her head in my lap. I played with her hair, and began to experiment with pulling it. She gave me pointers, and seemed to like what I was doing. I don’t remember a lot of details after that, I do remember tying her wrists to her headboard, fucking her mouth, and thoroughly enjoying her amazing body. Needless to say, I stayed the night. The next morning, one of the first things she said to me was, “Are you sure you’ve never done this before?”

Vanessa and I had a tumultuous and whirlwind two weeks together. But then she abruptly broke things off. Working in a law firm that dealt with family law, she had seen too many marriages reconcile after the fact, and she felt it was morally wrong to continue to be involved with me when I wasn’t legally divorced yet. Although I suspect the bigger issue was that she was becoming attached to me, and had already decided she was moving to another state to finish law school, and didn’t want to make the move any harder on herself. But it tore me apart. I was an emotional wreck for days. Still, a floodgate had been opened, I really couldn’t see myself going back to vanilla relationships at that point.

I've had a great many ups and downs since then, and evolutions to my place in the lifestyle, but I'll always be grateful to Vanessa for opening this door for me.

It was the internet that gave me a word for it ...

I've had sub tendencies since I was young. When I was a teenager, my most frequent fantasy was that I would be talking to a bunch of girls about the guys they had crushes on and then somehow this would turn into me ... licking all of their pussies to get them off. Over time this got more graphic and exploratory - but always the common theme was that I'd be helping a woman cum without actually ever penetrating her.

It wasn't until I was in my 20s, when online porn became commonplace, that I realised there was a huge audience for facesitting, ass worship, cuckolding ... and that the people who liked those kinds of things were called 'submissive'.

I'm not sure how I feel about the label. I find it easy to come up with some explanations for why I like these things, and a pure desire for submission doesn't actually rank high amongst them. But it was certainly a useful label for finding other things I liked ....