Fun with rope?

hooterbif said:

Absolutely.

I'm not saying that I want to get to that space every time, or even every other time, or even more than once a month. From what I saw just afterwards, and days after that, it was absolutely exhausting for her body.

I would simply like to visit that space some time, see what it is like, share that with her.

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If you both focus too much on that, you might miss out on the other really great feelings there are to be had.

Thank you, Consilience.

Consilience said:

Have you considered directing her to this thread and the other one you wrote so she can have it described how plastic and fake her concept of a D/s orientated interpersonal relationship is from the people who are actually living it?

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She would experience a profound, and probably irreparable, loss of respect for me if she read these threads. Sure, intellectually, she would recognize how great it is that I am seeking help, but deep down, that'd be it in ever seeing me as a dom in the future.


If she were here responding, she would probably say something like this:

"Of course, I know it is a learning experience. I have told him that many times. In fact, he is the one who thinks that we should just magically have some magical d/s energy without trying. I already told him that we are close to the d/s space we want."

I think that problems arise when she can see me working on learning. It is kind of like noticing fishing line holding up the Starship Enterprise in a Star Trek movie. Now, kind of ruins it, doesn't it?

SpunThings said:

If you both focus too much on that, you might miss out on the other really great feelings there are to be had.

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Sure, but we both agree very much that the sex we have had recently is crazy amazing. There is no question about it. However, to be clear, it is *mostly* just sex (with increasingly deeper DDlg dynamics going on).

So it sounds like setting down some structure would help. Make learning times very clear, and set down some rules.

1 The goal is for you to learn a skill, not to titillate her or put her in subspace. If she wants these activities during play she has to go through the boring work.

2 No comments allowed except to say if she's experiencing emotional distress or unwanted pain, or she thinks there will be damage to her body.

3 If she wants to participate in rope play she will attend the class with you and be a helpful rope partner, following the rules above.

4 Breaking any of the above rules results in no rope play for X period of time, and a serious talk about her commitment to the relationship.

If you want to be in charge, you need to set down your rules that you need followed to further your mutual goals. She can say she doesn't agree, propose alternatives, or say under those conditions she'd rather not. That's fine, and you two can move forward with something else.

No titillating "punishments". That's reserved for fun when she behaves like you expect.

SpunThings said:

So it sounds like setting down some structure would help. Make learning times very clear, and set down some rules.

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Thanks, I like these rules, and I generally like having rules (so does she)!

For now, I am leaning toward just not involving rope at all with her. Meanwhile, I will have fun learning rope through others.

As for the general trend of diving deeper into d/s experiences with her, I am guessing that will just trend that way, especially when the house becomes ours for a week starting Friday. (Harder when kids are with me.....)

hooterbif said:

Thank you, Consilience.



She would experience a profound, and probably irreparable, loss of respect for me if she read these threads. Sure, intellectually, she would recognize how great it is that I am seeking help, but deep down, that'd be it in ever seeing me as a dom in the future.

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I feel like a raging bitch for saying this, but what you just described tells me that she expects either a fully-formed, experienced, mind-reader dominant type who can preform on demand

OR

Is so tied to the BDSM illusion that she's willing to risk injury rather than accept that reality trumps fantasy (leg cramp, things going slower than expected, something intended as super-erotic being boring as hell), every damn time. We can try to escape reality, but reality rarely cooperates.

If she were here responding, she would probably say something like this:

"Of course, I know it is a learning experience. I have told him that many times. In fact, he is the one who thinks that we should just magically have some magical d/s energy without trying. I already told him that we are close to the d/s space we want."

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And this makes me think y'all are talking at each other, instead of communicating.

Everything you've described of her, lines up with a submissive partner who has unrealistic ideas of how this stuff happens.

But then you are the one bringing up (repeatedly) the other girl sex experience, and I'm getting the impression that you're keeping score or trying to figure out the magic formula or something.

There is no formula. She's happy with y'alls sex life; you're happy with y'alls sex life. So enjoy your sex life. Explore. Experiment. Don't pressure each other (or yourselves) so much.

I think that problems arise when she can see me working on learning. It is kind of like noticing fishing line holding up the Starship Enterprise in a Star Trek movie. Now, kind of ruins it, doesn't it?

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Nope, not unless I let it... And frankly, as long as we're doing things that feel good (or not, in the right ways), more than we're doing things that feel bad (in all the wrong ways), I'm happy. Because I have a man in my bed who enjoys me as much as I enjoy him.

Shit happens. The only time it doesn't is in porn - and that's only because it was edited out. Beds get knocked off risers (happened), hairbrushes intended for spanking go flying across the room (happened), anal plugs go a little too deep (happened), spreader bars get stuck (happened), people get nauseous (happened), knots jam (happened), things that were REALLY HOT intellectually are complete turn offs in person (happened), triggers get hit (happened).

Most of those things that happened? We had a good laugh... and moved on. Or we dealt with the immediate physical issue... and moved on. Or we temporarily stopped the sexy stuff and dealt with whatever got triggered/dredged up... and moved on.

^^^^^ and THIS is why we all love you so much Cutie Mouse.
Wisdom in spades.

hooterbif said:

Absolutely.

I'm not saying that I want to get to that space every time, or even every other time, or even more than once a month. From what I saw just afterwards, and days after that, it was absolutely exhausting for her body.

I would simply like to visit that space some time, see what it is like, share that with her.

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Well, for what it's worth, you sound amazing. Your optimistic attitude and your perseverance are pretty cool.

I hope you find that happy place with her.

CutieMouse is spot on.

cookiecat said:

Well, for what it's worth, you sound amazing. Your optimistic attitude and your perseverance are pretty cool.

I hope you find that happy place with her.

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Thank you. I love her with everything I have and have committed to spending the rest of my life with her. She has always said the same. She is a force of nature.

hooterbif said:

Thank you. I love her with everything I have and have committed to spending the rest of my life with her. She has always said the same. She is a force of nature.

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CutieMouse said:

I feel like a raging bitch for saying this, but what you just described tells me that she expects either a fully-formed, experienced, mind-reader dominant type who can preform on demand

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She would TELL you that she does not expect this.

CutieMouse said:

Is so tied to the BDSM illusion that she's willing to risk injury rather than accept that reality trumps fantasy (leg cramp, things going slower than expected, something intended as super-erotic being boring as hell), every damn time. We can try to escape reality, but reality rarely cooperates.

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She would TELL you that she does not hold these beliefs.

CutieMouse said:

And this makes me think y'all are talking at each other, instead of communicating.

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Yes, I realize why you might say this, but the fact is she will TELL you that she likes communicating, thinks it is healthy, thinks it is necessary when experimenting with d/s experiences, etc, etc, etc

When it comes right down to it, though, she wants a credible Dom. She wants to be pushed around, tied up, beaten, hunted, abused, etc., without needing to draw a freaking road map. She also wants me to conquer her not to please her but because I simply MUST have her.

I can see where she is coming from.

Natural jute leaves those lovely little red marks...

hooterbif said:

She would TELL you that she does not expect this.



She would TELL you that she does not hold these beliefs.



Yes, I realize why you might say this, but the fact is she will TELL you that she likes communicating, thinks it is healthy, thinks it is necessary when experimenting with d/s experiences, etc, etc, etc

When it comes right down to it, though, she wants a credible Dom. She wants to be pushed around, tied up, beaten, hunted, abused, etc., without needing to draw a freaking road map. She also wants me to conquer her not to please her but because I simply MUST have her.

I can see where she is coming from.

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So she says one thin, but her actions say another? A credible dom is someone who says they want to be a dom in a power exchange relationship. That's it. That last paragraph is the fantasy CutieMouse was talking about. I feel like you're only really taking in half of what people here are saying to you. It's no wonder you two are struggling to understand each other.

She has to draw the damn road map if you're to know where to go. Everyone has a different roadmap to what gets them giing. No one can know what that is except to get lucky on the first try (obviously didn't work for you), or trial and error which can take forever enduring lots of "error" until you hit the right spot, or her opening her mouth and telling you. This isn't rocket science. I had to do the same in my relationship. It took many years. Part of that was I didn't know exactly what I needed. You've got a step ahead of me there. She's still going to need to open her mouth up and be specific when you both have your pants on. It's not uncommon for a dominant partner to say no pkay time period until you open up and tell meexactly what you're looking for, and what excites you. The don's job is not a mind reader. The dom's job is to be in charge of fascilitating an experience that is fulfilling for you both. A dom can't do that if they don't know what would make a fulfilling experience for you both. I don't know how many times this has to be said.

I don't think you two will get over this hump until you put your foot down and expect her to tell you what's going on in her head. She can do it by writing if she wants, but this initial period of opening up to eachother about what makes you both tick is part of the relationship negotiations process for so many people in d/s relationships.

SpunThings said:

That last paragraph is the fantasy CutieMouse was talking about. I feel like you're only really taking in half of what people here are saying to you. It's no wonder you two are struggling to understand each other.

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I am not saying that I *agree* with her fantasy. I am saying that I see where she is coming from.

I also can see where women are coming from when they say that they want Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet and live happily ever after. Don't agree with it, but can understand it......

SpunThings said:

She has to draw the damn road map if you're to know where to go.

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She has done this. She even wrote it down.

She said that she wants to be completely ravished, for me to not take "no" for an answer, to hunt her, to verbally stimulate her throughout, to tie her up, restrain her, edge her, hogtie her on the kitchen island with internet video cameras on her face and pussy so that I can use the remote control vibrator from work all day while she squirms, take her to the grocery store with the remote vibrator, etc.

She has told me many many many things.

As I was saying before, the problem arises when I try some of these things and they either don't get us to the space we anticipated or she downright just criticizes what I am doing. It is like she has given me a roadmap for her race track but I haven't had many laps to practice where I can accelerate, where I need to bank high, etc. etc., and apparently, she doesn't want to see that practice either.

In any case, these escapades almost always end up with mind-blowing sex. Not a bad consolation prize, right?

For now, I am going to back off and continue to learn with others (including you folks - thanks).

hooterbif said:

She has done this. She even wrote it down.

She said that she wants to be completely ravished, for me to not take "no" for an answer, to hunt her, to verbally stimulate her throughout, to tie her up, restrain her, edge her, hogtie her on the kitchen island with internet video cameras on her face and pussy so that I can use the remote control vibrator from work all day while she squirms, take her to the grocery store with the remote vibrator, etc.

She has told me many many many things.

As I was saying before, the problem arises when I try some of these things and they either don't get us to the space we anticipated or she downright just criticizes what I am doing. It is like she has given me a roadmap for her race track but I haven't had many laps to practice where I can accelerate, where I need to bank high, etc. etc., and apparently, she doesn't want to see that practice either.

In any case, these escapades almost always end up with mind-blowing sex. Not a bad consolation prize, right?

For now, I am going to back off and continue to learn with others (including you folks - thanks).

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IMO a "credible dominant" decides he's going to do XYZ his way, because it's what he wants - even if it doesn't match lock-step with exactly the road map the submissive handed him.

On the flip side...

A "credible submissive" recognizes that she can suggest, and flat out request, anything she wants; however, in the act of submitting she is giving him the decision making power. Because, submission.

You aren't doing it the way it works in her head, or the books she's read, or the porn she's watched? You aren't doing it the way former lovers did? Tough. She's chosen to be with you, she's chosen to give you control. Now you get to do what YOU want (within agreed upon parameters), because you're the dominant one in the relationship.

Being the submissive means you don't always get what you want, but if you're good you might get what you need. And even then it measure up to your expectations.

Edited to add -

All that practice stuff? That's half the fun, and a huge opportunity to build intimacy.

hooterbif said:

She has done this. She even wrote it down.

She said that she wants to be completely ravished, for me to not take "no" for an answer, to hunt her, to verbally stimulate her throughout, to tie her up, restrain her, edge her, hogtie her on the kitchen island with internet video cameras on her face and pussy so that I can use the remote control vibrator from work all day while she squirms, take her to the grocery store with the remote vibrator, etc.

She has told me many many many things.

As I was saying before, the problem arises when I try some of these things and they either don't get us to the space we anticipated or she downright just criticizes what I am doing. It is like she has given me a roadmap for her race track but I haven't had many laps to practice where I can accelerate, where I need to bank high, etc. etc., and apparently, she doesn't want to see that practice either.

In any case, these escapades almost always end up with mind-blowing sex. Not a bad consolation prize, right?

For now, I am going to back off and continue to learn with others (including you folks - thanks).

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So you put your foot down and say tough, if you don't want to see the practice you don't get this play. Who's in charge?

I would use something other than rope the next time. Once you str assured that she can't get out of the cuffs, restraints, etc. I'd punish that little cunt and tell her why she is being punished.

N2outdoors said:

I would use something other than rope the next time. Once you str assured that she can't get out of the cuffs, restraints, etc. I'd punish that little cunt and tell her why she is being punished.

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Love your style.

Here is a bit of an update.

So, I've mastered some simple hogties, individual hand/foot restraints, also used velcro restraints for their ease. All in all, she loves it.

Tied her up earlier today, paddled her ass into ground meat, put the clothes pins on her pussy lips, watched her pussy drip down her leg, pushed her head in the pillow and fucked her ass with reckless abandon. She came hard and long. Now, THAT is a good girl.