Humor Thread

Only In America

Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Medical distinction

This is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wi fe with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both result in untimely death.

Just received this from a friend, made me smile.
DG

Funny Sayings

I didn't fall, I was testing gravity. it still works.

I'm smiling, that alone should scare you.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. now he's gone.

Always remember you are absolutely unique. just like everyone else.

I'd explain it to you but your brain would explode.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

My Reality check bounced.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Am I getting Smart with you? How would you know.

Children seldom misquote you. in fact they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

I love to give homemade gifts. which one of my kids do you want?

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Someone said if you line up every car in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass.

Cross Examination

A lawyer is cross examining a doctor on the stand about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased.

The doctor said, "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.

"No I didn't," said the doctor.

"So when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead?" said the lawyer.

The doctor having enough of the lawyer's ridicule, stated, "The mans brains was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practising Law somewhere."

If you can't find the book you want


You're probably shopping at the,

DG Hear said:

Medical distinction
>>>>>>
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both result in untimely death.

Click to expand...

This is a ghost from the great beyond, confirming the outcome, while still picking splinters from a skull... dented by a broomstick...

Hi DG... sorry that work has been too hectic... can barely time to read... but as soon as I come up for air, will see if I can dig up some laffs...

Three theological scholars from different faiths were sitting on a bench of a university campus during a break in the inter-faith conference.

The Anglican said: "I think we have shown that there are areas where we agree across faiths and areas where we will always disagree. We can talk together reasonably. Within each faith the internal disputes are far fiercer than our differences across faiths. The people who irritate me most are those who are so certain about their own correct interpretation of their faith that they cannot accept that others can see things differently and still believe. In my church some of the most prescriptive are some of the elderly women. They see their faith as narrow and everyone else is wrong. Who do you see as the equivalent in your faith, if you have such fanatical believers?"

The Imam replied: "I agree that generally our differences between one version of Islam and another are far more vehemently expressed than our disputes with other faiths. Those that worry me are the young men who seize on a small part of our beliefs and distort them into inalienable truths that must be applied with fire and sword. They alienate everyone."

The rabbi responded: "I agree with both of you. Elderly women and self-opinionated young men can be dangerous for a faith. However I have one group of people that worry me far more..."

The others looked at him expectantly.

"...I think you'll agree with me."

He looked sad. The others waited.

"Mothers-in-law can never accept that anyone is good enough for their son or daughter. No one can match the perfection of the child she has raised."

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Rodeo Time

One night a husband felt rather amorous and decided to have a go with the wife. Climbing on top, he began to kiss her in all the right places and made love to her like a champion.

The good loving made the woman moan and cry out in joy, speak in tongues and basically woke everybody in the house, which happened to be the couple's five year old boy. He ran into the room, jumped on his father's back and screamed, "Ride 'em Cowboy. It's rodeo time!"

The parents, not wanting to upset the little boy, played along. Pretty soon, the wife got worked up again, moaning and raising a ruckus. She began to buck her hips against the husband when te little boy shouted, "Hold on, Daddy. This is when me and milkman go flying."

kromen said:

One night a husband felt rather amorous and decided to have a go with the wife. Climbing on top, he began to kiss her in all the right places and made love to her like a champion....

Click to expand...

Nice one! Thanks, kromen!

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a
Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Do We Die?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24.. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

On the third floor balcony, Abdul was shaking his carpet.
The bloke walking on the sidewalk below looked and shouted: "What's up, mate. Wont it start? "

Handley_Page said:

On the third floor balcony, Abdul was shaking his carpet.
The bloke walking on the sidewalk below looked and shouted: "What's up, mate. Wont it start? "

Click to expand...

Very very cute! Thanks, Handley!

What do you call a woman in charge of a large public high school?







The Principal!

There truly have been some crazy and funny news headlines in the past, such as...

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Old Butch (A story with a moral)

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible.

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make..
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the crap out of him....
Like his mother used to do.