Sammy So Young

This is the beginning of a short series I'm considering for Literotica. It should be around 4 parts in all. I'd appreciate any feedback, critical or complimentary.

Sammy So Young (sample)
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He saw her little bush for the umpteenth time. Roe always forced himself to focus on her bush, cause the fat pussy, sitting so moist and ready underneath, screamed that it was worth the risk of getting his black ass killed, just for a taste . . . a sniff. She was eating ice cream, something so usual in the summertime. But it was chocolate this time and the color made Roe feel more positive about his chances.

The heat was making it impossible for the kid to keep from making a mess. It looked like she had given up the fight for cleanliness a long time ago--the ice cream dripped out of the cone, down, as it did many times before, between her chubby little tits. And she always went out with those two things so hilariously exposed behind a white tank-top, and a crappy, cheap-looking bra that was way to tight for what she had, and way too sheer for a kid her age. Roe imagined that most nineteen-year-old girls of the day probably didn't have much of that "how to be a lady" in them. And her stubby, pink and bursting nipples made him nod to a lack of education.

Summertime was also kind enough to keep the kid in flip-flops all the time, every . . . single . . . day. She always wore a different pair, the uniqueness told by the sandal's thongs and their varied colors. They were maroon this time in particular, stuck between her little big-toes, the toenails pink, never clashing, never matched. It was a sign of maturity--that ability to recognize the benefit of contrasts. But the girl was still young-minded enough to keep a silly hook of coordination going between both pairs of her lips.

The ones on her face had been done ridiculously--messy, some lipstick remaining on the tip of her nose, other bits of it melted, racing down in pink streams, flowing over chocolate rivers, out of her mouth, down her chin, leaving artistic stains on her tank-top. Nasty little bitch, she looked so clean everywhere, but seemed to get off on being dirty, offending anyone who cared too much about cleanliness. And the mess that was dripping between her breasts had somehow managed to make it through the absorbent obstructions of her top, sneak past the rim of her jean-skirt and reveal itself, in oh so slowly moving streams of candy and cosmetics, running over the left lip of her pussy.

First, put an extra line between paragraphs, both on the forum and in the story submission. Otherwise it's a hard-to-read wall of text.

The voice is good and you maintain it.

I have no idea what you mean by this: "But the girl was still young-minded enough to keep a silly hook of coordination going between both pairs of her lips." It's not the "both pairs of her lips." I get that. It's the "silly hook of coordination." What in the world does that mean?

The next sentence, "The ones on her face." The antecedent for "ones" isn't clear. Would be best to specify what "ones" is.

The concept of the dribble from the ice cream going all the way down to her cunt seems farfetched to me.

Your word usage is mostly good. "tank-top" should be "tank top" (it's in the dictionary) and "jeans-skirt" should be "jeans skirt" (It's not in the dictionary. Hyphenation should be used for combined nouns only if you do find it that way in the dictionary.) Hyphenation is on the descendant, so, when in doubt, don't.

You've created an interesting image of the character. I wouldn't invest much more in doing so--or spend a lot more wordage on much of anything else before getting to some action, though.

Thank you kindly sr71plt.

I took off on a programming and art journey for a while--writing stayed on the back burner for a long time. Figured I'd post some erotica here and see what happens. Funny how you remember the toughest things about writing and forget the small ones.

silly hook of coordination - that's my ego's lazy way of describing a young kid's interest in everything matching--lack of interest in color theory.

Dammit!! The ice cream has to get to her cunt before they move onto the next scene.

Onyx2daBone said:

Dammit!! The ice cream has to get to her cunt before they move onto the next scene.

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Do something that has it dumped in her lap.

You don't hint at the girl's age as being anything but young, and in fact she does come off that way. If your character isn't rather clearly of-age (18 or over) then the story may be rejected.

NotWise said:

You don't hint at the girl's age as being anything but young, and in fact she does come off that way. If your character isn't rather clearly of-age (18 or over) then the story may be rejected.

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The age was given as nineteen in the text. "Roe imagined that most nineteen-year-old girls of the day probably didn't have much of that "how to be a lady" in them."

sr71plt said:

The age was given as nineteen in the text. "Roe imagined that most nineteen-year-old girls of the day probably didn't have much of that "how to be a lady" in them."

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Yeah, I overlooked that. But giving an age is often not enough if the characterization seems too young.

I didn't see anything that couldn't be a nineteen-year-old. And this is just a snippet of a story.

NotWise said:

Yeah, I overlooked that. But giving an age is often not enough if the characterization seems too young.

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That's quite scary. I already submitted the full Part 1 of the story. Gotta wait to see if it gets published before I even consider the remaining parts. Like sr71plt said, I think I'm well in the guidelines. We'll see.