Story Comments: Summer at Beach House

A number of readers have liked my story of a young wife struggling with lonelieness while house-sitting her aunt's beach house. Thank you. This is my first story and pretty factual. I'm new to this. Some negative comments about things readers think will happen in my story have led me to shut off the comments. I prefer to tell my story my way and not be discouraged by feed forward about what I have yet to write. I hope you are okay with that. Jill0084

Hi Jill and welcome. Dipping your toe in the water is pretty scary.

If you want reaction you really need to give a link. We're so busy knocking down each other's egos we haven't got the energy to go searching!

Anyway, here you are; Jill's story

I'll go take a look now.

It's pretty good as a story opening, although a slow opening even if it's to be a longer story. The basic problem is that nowhere do you indicate this isn't just an opening. It's not a story. It gives good possibilities of set up and of a source of story tension and then goes nowhere and just fizzles into not very much other than sexual encounters within marriage (which would qualify it for the "Loving Wives" category, of course, if that category really was about wives loving their husbands). The commenters on the story have written as if there is to be more. There's no indication you plan more, though, so I have to take it as an offering of a story. And it isn't a story.

A story sets up a dilemma and then does something with the dilemma. You didn't do anything with the dilemma.

The sex is fine, the writing is fine too. ("Someone" is one word, though.)

I don't even object to your "c cup" reference which usually sends the assessing natives here into fits.

Elfin

Thanks. I like feedback but people commenting negatively about what they think I'll write next is a turn-off. More of that happened with part 2 of my story. I guess this site is not for sissies....lol. Some people seem pretty conventional. So it goes.

I think the readers of this story (and the first chapter improperly wasn't marked as a first chapter) are discussing where the story is going because you haven't set forth enough of a dilemma fast enough to show that you know where it's going. I think you should be pleased that the readers are showing that much interest in it.

Hi Jill,

I've liked the story so far. Your increasing and developing awareness of your sexuality makes me keen to read where this will take you.

I'll look forward to the next part.

thanks

Klitty,

I was dismayed to see negative comments about where people thought I was taking this. I guess they are clairvoyant... lol. Thank you for being curious and not projecting your conventions onto this. I shut off story comments as they were turning me off to posting more of my story. Not to be judgemental but there appears to be some overly aggressive critics in here. On the other hand, there are so many readers..... I didn't realize how many read these stories. I'll finish the next episode and submit it.

Jill

Jill, Sorry to be so slow in reading and commenting.

The LW category is like a Wild West saloon slugfest between the Stone the Adulteress Gang and the Cuckolds. A real LW tale is likely to get trampled underfoot. If you write part 2, consider another category; perhaps Romance or Erotic Couplings.

I liked the way your vocabulary and detail became more raunchy and graphic to mirror her sexual reawakening. Like a crescendo building. And yet, and yet. The husband seemed a bit unreal. Working in the city all week, driving 4 hours on a Friday night yet still ready to rock and roll and, seemingly, not surprised by the changes in his wife or a bit niggly.

sr has a valid point that without titling this 'Ch 01', we readers expect a 3-act play ending with a conclusion and are a bit let down to be left hanging. Also, Lit's system packages series and both gives links on the stories themselves and includes them in a multi-part category. It's all publicity.

Your line, 'I am a full c cup', is a succinct and effective way of describing her breasts. I can picture her immediately, but that really only works for a female writer. What drives 'assessing natives' here to distraction are male writers who, when buying an Xmas present in Victoria's Secret, wave their hands in the air saying to the assistant, "She's about your size", whilst having laser vision in their stories to determine a woman's bra size at a hundred yards or thinking that describing female breasts as, "she was a 40DD" does anything more than destroy eroticism.

Just a pointy-headed comment, those ellipses (the 3 dots, ...) mean a tailing-off, not a pause or a hesitation. The old Harlequin ending, "And then the bedroom door closed . . ."

Dashes (em-dashes) or repetition ("I, I,"), ("I, err I") are for pauses.

Also, long paragraphs are difficult to read on a backlit, scrolling screen. About 8 to 10 lines is a realistic max for Lit paragraphs.

I don't know where you're going with this but I think it's a pretty impressive first attempt. Don't let the trolls get you down and flag up your next post here so we can circle like pirhanas.

Just joking, I enjoyed your (first half) Summer at the Beach House. Well done and thanks.

Elle

thanks

Elle,

Thanks for the comments and advice. I shut off feedback from anonymous reviewers as they were just turning me off to writing more. I just submitted my third chapter. This story is based on my experience and I'm writing it down in installments. I look back on the times as interesting episodes. It is not uncommon in my area for people to summer at the beach. Often this means men commute on weekends and it creates problems and opportunities. The women have it easier unless they have a batch of kids. My case led to some interesting life changes. Maybe I'm not giving the man's point of view enough justice. I chose the 'loving wives' section as it seemed to fit my experiences. I find it interesting that some people bring their biases to bear in their comments to the extent they become irrational. So it goes. Writing my story is fun enough for me.

Jill

Jill

I've just read parts 2 and 3 and I'm truly impressed how you've got so much raunchy sex in a real LW story fantasy. The fantasy falling back into reality is nicely done and, for me, the story is more exciting now as we struggle to see how the couple work things out.

I'll keep my eye out for part 4.

BTW, sr was wrong. The site has recognized your multi-chapter story. I think his carbon copies confuse him.

elfin_odalisque said:

BTW, sr was wrong. The site has recognized your multi-chapter story. I think his carbon copies confuse him.

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As usual, you haven't the foggiest notion what you are posting. I never posted that the site didn't recognize her multichapter story. I said she didn't identify it as such in her first segment (and, of course, at that point, before a second segment was submitted, the site--like the readers--wouldn't have a clue that it was a multichapter story). The point was that the first segment was posted as a complete story--and it wasn't one--so naturally some of the readers commented negatively on that.

More evidence you have an addled brain.

Elle

Thanks. The comments from others are entertainig too. Some people take this story thing seriously, eh? Just a brief preview - the cycling group provided me a supportive community at a time I needed it. From world-class athletes to lowly fitness riders like me, that crowd offered constructive support and were a hell of a lot of fun. The crowd in here might try some of that.... or not.

Jill

I'm just sorry that Elfin used the thread as part of her silly backbiting campaign against me.

Happy writing.

Jill, there are some comments that could be made about your writing, but the pure enthusiasm of the story and the ratcheting up of the passion put that way down.

As you are writing the story, to me it is a perfect LW post. She finds herself, (she fantasizes - but no more) aound young stallions and loves but finds a distance from her overworked hubby. I look forward to where it is going.

sr, I wasn't having a go. I agree that simple readers have to be told there is a second part but I thought your laser intellect could differentiate between a story that was deliberately left on an edge and avoided a 'didn't she cuckold him' approach.

elfin_odalisque said:

sr, I wasn't having a go. I agree that simple readers have to be told there is a second part but I thought your laser intellect could differentiate between a story that was deliberately left on an edge and avoided a 'didn't she cuckold him' approach.

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No reason to differentiate. A good many stories posted here just peter out without a resolution of anything as that one did.

Jill0084 said:

A number of readers have liked my story of a young wife struggling with lonelieness while house-sitting her aunt's beach house. Thank you. This is my first story and pretty factual. I'm new to this. Some negative comments about things readers think will happen in my story have led me to shut off the comments. I prefer to tell my story my way and not be discouraged by feed forward about what I have yet to write. I hope you are okay with that. Jill0084

Click to expand...

I loved the stories Jil - they made my mind wander and made me wish i was one of the random guys in the story.

Hi Jill. A few years ago I began checking my writing after first edit, by doing a search and replace for certain words I had a tendency to over use such as "that" "like" especially, "and" many time when "and" is not used as an equal sign between two equal values, it indicates a run-on sentence, other times it reveals only that we should attempt more diversity in our writing. In your six page manuscript, you have used "and" 202 times.

I am not criticizing your story as a whole, I think you are a marvelous writer. It didn't turn me on, I require much more intimate descriptions of the organs and the tastes, smell, feelings, emotions, etc. One thing that struck me is that the husband does not exist as a character, really not even as a foil to your protagonist. When fictionalizing real-life accounts, I believe, a writer should go beyond what actually happened. Fictional characters can be much braver than real people. Picasso said, and I paraphrase, "Artists use lies to point out greater truths." Please forgive any typos, I m learning to use a lap-top for the first time.