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The Pulletician

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

It took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too.

But on this particular morning Trevor noticed that old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the County Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you perhaps know of another Pulletician ?
 
A History of Toilet Paper!

Before toilet paper was invented, French royalty wiped their bottoms with fine linen.

Did you ever wonder what people did when Nature called, and the Sears catalogue hadn't been printed yet? Well, they were inventive. And of course, it depended on your status in life, how comfortable your "inventions" were.

The Chinese were attributed with the first man-made paper circa 50 B.C. (as opposed to your basic parchment and papyrus.) In the beginning it was formed from bamboo products. Then someone decided to soak linen rags, beat them to a pulp, and turn the results into more sheets of paper. From that stellar start, would come the first recordings of paper made for bathroom duty, in 1391. But it was only made for the emperor. In sheets that measured 2' x 3'. The Bureau of Imperial Supplies is reported as having turned out 720,000 sheets annually.

Romans were a bit more "prissy". They used wool and rosewater, or sponges full of seawater, tied to the end of a stick. But for the common people, even in the "civilized" world, it was "use what Nature provides, when she calls". That meant leaves, balls of hay, moss, or bark. In the Middle Ages, some "privys" had a scraper stick left in a container, for your personal cleanliness. Vikings were known to use lambs wool, while Eskimos used moss or a handful of snow. Cold, but "shell" we say, not as rough as Hawaiians who used the coconut's hard hide. Royalty of course, fared much better, with lace and silk being popular in France.

America was no further advanced than the old countries. They used corn husks, and leaves, then when they came along, newspapers, the Sears catalogue and the Farmers Almanac, all of which provided good "thinking time", while you were outside in the little house.

The first American toilet tissue was produced in 1857 by Joseph Gayette, who marketed packets of 500 sheets for fifty cents. It contained aloe, and was touted as a "therapeutic" paper for... sore spots. His name was stamped on each and every sheet.

Toilet paper on a roll appeared in 1890, when it was still an unmentionable Victorian topic. Even the famous Scott company that made it, didn't want their name associated with the "end" product. So it was custom-wrapped for individual retailers under other labels and names.
 
One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting.

"Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!"

Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.

"You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots."

The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick.

The rabbit cries, laughs, cries, laughs, cries, laughs ...

"Why are you crying?" says the lion.

"It hurts," says the rabbit.

"And why are you laughing?" says the lion.

"I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit,
"and he's gathering mushrooms."
 
A History of Toilet Paper!

Before toilet paper was invented, French royalty wiped their bottoms with fine linen.

Did you ever wonder what people did when Nature called, and the Sears catalogue hadn't been printed yet? Well, they were inventive. And of course, it depended on your status in life, how comfortable your "inventions" were...

In the early 1950s when we visited Southern Spain, my mother and I needed a toilet. I liked it. My mother detested it.

Both the men's and women's toilets were cantilevered out over a deep ravine. The toilets were holes in the floor with a drop of several hundred feet to the river below. Beside each hole was a neat pile of river pebbles for wiping your ass. After use the pebbles were dropped down the hole where they would be collected for re-use after a suitable time in the river.

From the other side of the ravine you could see a brown streak down the cliff from the toilets. That would be washed clean in the next rain shower - several months away.
 
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,

"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take shit off anybody!"
 
Jack and Jill

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,

"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take shit off anybody!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
So Jack could lick Jill's candy.
Jack got a shock and a mouthfull of cock,
cause Jill's real name was Randy!
 
My daughter was asked to draw something from her personal life for a school project.

After, she showed me and I said, "Darling, where did you see pink elephant and a gorilla shagging beside a waterfall?"

"It's not," she replied. "It's mummy and Uncle Kev in the shower."
 
[Jack and Jill (above) was hilarious.]


Son: "Dad, do you remember your first blow job?"

Father: "Oh, yeah! It was fantastic."

Son: "So, you liked the taste then...?"
 
Jack and Jill went up a hill
on the back of an elephant.
Jill got off and helped Jack off the elephant.
 
The Five Ages of Man

Lager, AGA, Saga, Viagra, Gaga.

(Texted to me by my gay guy pal - only person in the world who would try to text me during the rugby)
 
Brilliant!!

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

It took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too.

But on this particular morning Trevor noticed that old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the County Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you perhaps know of another Pulletician ?
 
A young, religious man named John wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. They had not been dating very long, and after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, I have no doubt that other fingers will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again".

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little sweaty from wearing".
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year."
All my love,
John

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
 
A young, religious man named John wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. They had not been dating very long, and after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, I have no doubt that other fingers will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again".

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little sweaty from wearing".
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year."
All my love,
John

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

I would love to hear her reply. haha:D
DG
 
Have we seen this one?

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple
of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull
her up again!
 
Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen.

She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.

Afterwards he says, “we haven’t had sex for 6 months and suddenly this; why??”

She answers, “I only washed the floor this morning. I’d rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again!!”
 
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's
caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
 
A married couple went out to a club to celebrate their anniversary.

Another middle aged guy was on the dance floor, break dancing, body popping and so forth.

The woman turned to her to her spouse who was sitting quietly watching. "You know i could have married him! He proposed but I turned him down!"

"It seems" the husband replied, "that he's still celebrating."
 
Just sent to me

AGEING VALUES

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Newcastle because the waitresses had big busts & wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Newcastle because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Newcastle because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Newcastle because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Newcastle because they had never been there before.
 
Paddy Has A Broken Leg

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you.

" They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back,
"Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"
:)
 
Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?

A:Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A:Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A:Take off your glasses.

Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A:On their foreheads.

Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A:"Gosh, I remember these!"

:):):)

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!
 
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