Trust issues

LostGirlTink said:

Oh.
I guess because I wouldn't do that... simply log off.. on someone, I can't imagine why anyone would think that's acceptable or an out.

There are in fact real people on the other side of the screen.
People forget that it seems.

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It isn't that people forget...

Those of us who have straddled the "real world" and the "online world" perhaps have a more unique perspective that those who fall solidly on one side of the divide or the other.

I can distinctly remember calling people on the phone and having them hang up on me before the advent of caller ID allowed them to simply not pick up.

A couple of weeks ago I got stood up for a date. The person texted me ten minutes before she was meant to arrive with a reason of having discovered she really wanted to concentrate on dating someone else.

Did the person on the phone hanging up on me forget that I was a real person? Did the woman forget I was real when she could have told me the night before when we confirmed or date, or any time up until I was already waiting?

I don't think it has anything to do with forgetting. It has everything to do with being scared that those insecurities we all battle each and every day are true.

It is far easier to just ignore facing them than to own up to the fact you are going to perform an action that has to potential to cause harm.

Technology continues to make it easier and easier to have to see the potential consequences.

<steps off the soap box>

Trust me. Being Ghosted, or having someone just disappear has been the cause of 2 of my biggest heart breaks. I've been here like 12 years, and it fucking hurts. It might be easy for that person who just "logs off" but it's not at all, for the person left behind to wonder what they did, what they said, or what the hell happened.

I know many people taking this "online shit" as fake. But I've met 8 people from here already, and hope to meet more (but I'm way more cautious now) This is as real for me, as my friends who live in my town. A few of them have been brought into my family. They know my kids, my husband etc.

So when I spend every day talking to someone. Sometimes for hours on end. We connect on any number of levels (and this can be strictly friendship too) and one day you just stop logging in. Well. Face it. I'm going to blame myself. I'm going to beat myself up wondering what the hell I did or said. Especially when it happens more than a few times. You start to think "damn, am I just scaring them all away or what?"

Too many people just like to play games and I'm just too old for that now. I'm upfront and I'm honest. I don't hide that I'm married. My husband knows I'm here.
So yes. I have trust issues, because people having lying issues. Just about everyone I've trusted, has left or hurt me. Yeah, I'm a fucking emotional roller coaster. So I'm not that hard to hurt. But I've learned that being nice on here, just gets myself hurt even more, and gets me taken advantage of. But I've tried to change that, and I just can't. I don't know how. When I'm hurt, then I can be a bitch. A little too late I know.

Just remember that there are real people behind the keyboard, with real feelings.

SassySheDevil said:

Trust me. Being Ghosted, or having someone just disappear has been the cause of 2 of my biggest heart breaks. I've been here like 12 years, and it fucking hurts. It might be easy for that person who just "logs off" but it's not at all, for the person left behind to wonder what they did, what they said, or what the hell happened.

I know many people taking this "online shit" as fake. But I've met 8 people from here already, and hope to meet more (but I'm way more cautious now) This is as real for me, as my friends who live in my town. A few of them have been brought into my family. They know my kids, my husband etc.

So when I spend every day talking to someone. Sometimes for hours on end. We connect on any number of levels (and this can be strictly friendship too) and one day you just stop logging in. Well. Face it. I'm going to blame myself. I'm going to beat myself up wondering what the hell I did or said. Especially when it happens more than a few times. You start to think "damn, am I just scaring them all away or what?"

Too many people just like to play games and I'm just too old for that now. I'm upfront and I'm honest. I don't hide that I'm married. My husband knows I'm here.
So yes. I have trust issues, because people having lying issues. Just about everyone I've trusted, has left or hurt me. Yeah, I'm a fucking emotional roller coaster. So I'm not that hard to hurt. But I've learned that being nice on here, just gets myself hurt even more, and gets me taken advantage of. But I've tried to change that, and I just can't. I don't know how. When I'm hurt, then I can be a bitch. A little too late I know.

Just remember that there are real people behind the keyboard, with real feelings.

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^^This. 1000 time this.
This is what I can't grasp. How do people not understand this?

People treat each other like shit regardless of the medium.

Spins said:

People treat each other like shit regardless of the medium.

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You and I have talked many times over the years. Have I ever treated you like shit?

SassySheDevil said:

You and I have talked many times over the years. Have I ever treated you like shit?

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Not that I recall.

But we are talking about people and not individuals.

People tend to be do things that individuals do not.

GroupThink and all that.

I do my very best to be honest, upfront, and completely gossip free. That, however, does not change the fact that, in general, people treat others like shit.

Just look to Twitter, or tun on the local news.

I'm not advocating that one should act that way. It is simply the way things are.

I still offer trust and openness and positivity because that is how I choose to deal with the shit.

Lit has treated me poorly over the years. It has created connections that have lead to severe and utter devastation. Smaller heartaches and confusion by the truckload.

It also has given me a lot of wonderful, bright, loving moments.

I've also got to see a lot of boobs

So, ya know, you just keep rolling, controlling your actions, and being who you can be.

Like I said before. It is OK to hurt.

Spins said:

People treat each other like shit regardless of the medium.

Click to expand...

I agree with this statement 100% and it's shitty to do as well regardless of the medium.

I love the song Wicked Game by Chris Isaak. I was watching a video of him talking about the origins of the song. She called at 4am saying she was coming over. After he hung up he asked himself why he said ok. He knew nothing good was going to come from it. Yet...what choice was there? He was drawn in. Between the time he had hung up and the time she arrived...the song was born.


The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

Desire...needing to be desired...

It always ends the same. This life....the one before....the one before that. A thousand times we have been lovers. I know how she tastes before we kiss. I know the spots only shes knows. Like rain following the curves perfectly tracing our bodies. It is so intense. So real. So magical. Yet i am always the one picking up the pieces wondering what was wrong with me. Maybe the next time.

SassySheDevil said:

Trust me. Being Ghosted, or having someone just disappear has been the cause of 2 of my biggest heart breaks. I've been here like 12 years, and it fucking hurts. It might be easy for that person who just "logs off" but it's not at all, for the person left behind to wonder what they did, what they said, or what the hell happened.

I know many people taking this "online shit" as fake. But I've met 8 people from here already, and hope to meet more (but I'm way more cautious now) This is as real for me, as my friends who live in my town. A few of them have been brought into my family. They know my kids, my husband etc.

So when I spend every day talking to someone. Sometimes for hours on end. We connect on any number of levels (and this can be strictly friendship too) and one day you just stop logging in. Well. Face it. I'm going to blame myself. I'm going to beat myself up wondering what the hell I did or said. Especially when it happens more than a few times. You start to think "damn, am I just scaring them all away or what?"

Too many people just like to play games and I'm just too old for that now. I'm upfront and I'm honest. I don't hide that I'm married. My husband knows I'm here.
So yes. I have trust issues, because people having lying issues. Just about everyone I've trusted, has left or hurt me. Yeah, I'm a fucking emotional roller coaster. So I'm not that hard to hurt. But I've learned that being nice on here, just gets myself hurt even more, and gets me taken advantage of. But I've tried to change that, and I just can't. I don't know how. When I'm hurt, then I can be a bitch. A little too late I know.

Just remember that there are real people behind the keyboard, with real feelings.

Click to expand...

^^this 100% agree with. "Real people Real feelings"

Spins said:

People treat each other like shit regardless of the medium.

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This is a true reflection of each individual person. "Treat those you communicate with the same as you would like to be treated".

sks43 said:

I agree with this statement 100% and it's shitty to do as well regardless of the medium.

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Yep so true shitty people do shitty things. see above comment.

Rainshine said:

I met the worst human being I’ve ever known in my life in this place. He went from telling me he was the man who had never loved anyone the way he loved me, that he would spend his entire life convincing me to change my mind on remarrying so he could dance with me at our wedding, to ghosting me.

You can can bet your arse he’s still here in PM with his new prey telling them the same make believe story about me he was so quick to tell me about the ones that came before me.

Still, I refuse to be bitter or think all men are like him, because they’re not. I got hurt believing in another human, it happens. It will probably happen again one day.

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I'm so sorry to hear this Rainshine. I guess it is hard to really know some people, but from the little we have communicated, you seem to me to be a genuinely nice person, who does not deserve that shit. Once again Real people Real feelings, not everyone is like that fortunately.
Unfortunately however there are those shitty people out there, that have no respect, no empathy, for anyone but themselves.

*subscribed*

Rainshine said:

I’d rather be stupid than cruel. Every single time.

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haha!

I'll take your kinda "stupid" over "crazy ass bitch" any day of the week, Darlin'

Spins said:

People treat each other like shit regardless of the medium.

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That can be true. I refuse to be that person. Is it possible I'll hurt someone inadvertently? Of course it is... but never intentionally and never cruelly. It's just not who I am.

Spins said:

Lit has treated me poorly over the years. It has created connections that have lead to severe and utter devastation. Smaller heartaches and confusion by the truckload.

It also has given me a lot of wonderful, bright, loving moments.

Click to expand...

Someone told me recently "If you're not living, you're dying" when we were talking about heartbreak and risk.
She was right.
I got hurt badly... between my marriage, someone I loved before I got here and someone from here.
I was pretty sure I was never letting anyone close again.
It appears I was wrong because sometimes the risk is worth taking.
Will I get hurt again? I don't know. The chance is there.
Honesty matters to me.
Solidness matters to me.

Dribble said:

I love the song Wicked Game by Chris Isaak. I was watching a video of him talking about the origins of the song. She called at 4am saying she was coming over. After he hung up he asked himself why he said ok. He knew nothing good was going to come from it. Yet...what choice was there? He was drawn in. Between the time he had hung up and the time she arrived...the song was born.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

Desire...needing to be desired...

Click to expand...

There's always a choice. Sometimes we make good ones, and sometimes we set the world on fire just to watch it burn.

RustyIron said:

This is a true reflection of each individual person. "Treat those you communicate with the same as you would like to be treated".

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I think this is what's missing. It's apparently easy for people to stop thinking of people as real here.

RubenesqueAphrodite said:

Will I die alone? It's possible, but I'm content knowing that if I don't die alone, the ones who are with me were worth dying for..

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You said a lot in your post that I agree with but I'm doing the multiquote thing and it was getting long here.... this resonated with me.

Rainshine said:

I’d rather be stupid than cruel. Every single time.

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Yep.
I'm just not capable of hurting people intentionally, and I'm really glad for that.

I kind of hated that this thread got resurrected, because it's a hard subject. I didn't like seeing how hurt I was

The Internet for all it's great leaps forward, brings a dual sense of anonymity. We can meet people far outside the social circles we might normally haunt, without truly letting them in. But online dating made it easy for people to speed date in mass. Don't like who you find? Perfection is just a mouse click away. With Tinder, one can simply swipe to the left. While one can be relatively anonymous online, so can the people you meet. It seems easier to walk away, only for yourself. A lack of closure is a lack of closure.

I've sat there on a date, and seen the expression of relief when she gets that "emergency" text. Then followed the efforts made not to look in my eyes while she is leaving. More than once. Sometimes a simple retreat. Sometimes the promise of a next time that never arrives. Rare is the plain honesty that I just wasn't what she was looking for. I couldn't tell if you that is better or worse that getting a text canceling a date minutes before you are supposed to meet.

I believe there are a number of factors at play. I think it is part the anonymity that comes from a computer screen. I think it is part due to the fact that most people do not like inflicting pain on another, and at times do much to avoid doing so. I think it is part due our own insecurities about "what if later she does not like (name an item here)" and it just can all hit at once. I've felt a connection so strong that it quite literally freaked me out. How could someone actually get .... me? On so many levels. And as great as it might have been, I still fucked it up.

It takes bravery to put yourself out there on any medium, Internet or in real life. It takes strength to continue to do so. We all have challenges. We all fight our own battles. Sometimes we know what someone else's battles or challenges are. Sometimes we don't. A bad job. A bad relationship. Being burned. Death of loved one. The list goes on. Sometimes, I've just let go of any hope of receiving lack of closure. Sometimes, not receiving one has consumed my soul. Sometimes, I just have to remind myself life is not fair and I will not get one at all.

I won't even pretend I am an innocent in any of this. I've been burned. I've burned others. I've gone back and offered closure, then took any lumps that were rightfully due me. Both online and in real life. I don't make excuses, but a honest explanation is still the right thing to do. Closure is closure. Something tangible that let's another person know it really was not them. I know I would have appreciated it, though it is rarely given. Internet or not.

To put that in perspective, my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer last year, and it just leveled me. Her passing even more so. Even still, other people that have their challenges. Was mine so great it gives me pass? No. Do I owe someone an explanation? No, but it is the right thing to do. I recall those times I was twisting and wondering, I know I would have liked one. I am pretty bloody certain they would to. That explanation can mean the world to someone. It truly was not the other person. Big. Small. Even if it seems silly.

At the end of the day, I do my best to realize I do not have to truly understand her challenges to appreciate that they are real to her. I think it is fair to expect the same in return. I fall short at times. I think we most of do. Someone can choose to believe my words or not, but I will at least offer them. With all that said, anyone who is unwilling to meet another on such terms is not worth the emotional or mental energy expended. Granted, not day by day. Over months. Sooner or later, the scales must tip back towards some semblance of equal .... or it is time to walk. As it was said before in this thread: these are real people with real feelings. I would add, know your worth. It's okay to give. It's also okay to expect (yes expect) back in return.

RubenesqueAphrodite said:

phooey.


I lament over the absolute FACT that people are undeniably stupid and cruel and I can't just gather the offenders into one spot and drop a bomb on them.

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Can I push the button?


I wonder...Is it that they are inherently stupid and cruel...or just self-centered?

Dribble said:

Can I push the button?


I wonder...Is it that they are inherently stupid and cruel...or just self-centered?

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Clearly a bunch of married people on a sex site from 9-5 while they are at work are self centered.
Look at the nature of this site.

I tend to agree more with Spins.

LostGirlTink said:

It appears I was wrong because sometimes the risk is worth taking.
Will I get hurt again? I don't know. The chance is there.
Honesty matters to me.
Solidness matters to me.


There's always a choice. Sometimes we make good ones, and sometimes we set the world on fire just to watch it burn.



I think this is what's missing. It's apparently easy for people to stop thinking of people as real here.



Yep.
I'm just not capable of hurting people intentionally, and I'm really glad for that.

I kind of hated that this thread got resurrected, because it's a hard subject. I didn't like seeing how hurt I was

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^^^ So much to agree with here. If I close off my heart and just become cold, I miss out on the good. Yes sometimes I wish I could do that. Sometimes I wish I could just stop feeling altogether. No matter how many times I get hurt. I just don't know how.
Like Tink. This is a very hard subject for me because it does remind me how many people have come in and out of my life, The hurt or happiness that came from it.

j_austin said:

I won't even pretend I am an innocent in any of this. I've been burned. I've burned others. I've gone back and offered closure, then took any lumps that were rightfully due me. Both online and in real life. I don't make excuses, but a honest explanation is still the right thing to do. Closure is closure. Something tangible that let's another person know it really was not them. I know I would have appreciated it, though it is rarely given. Internet or not.

To put that in perspective, my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer last year, and it just leveled me. Her passing even more so. Even still, other people that have their challenges. Was mine so great it gives me pass? No. Do I owe someone an explanation? No, but it is the right thing to do. I recall those times I was twisting and wondering, I know I would have liked one. I am pretty bloody certain they would to. That explanation can mean the world to someone. It truly was not the other person. Big. Small. Even if it seems silly.

At the end of the day, I do my best to realize I do not have to truly understand her challenges to appreciate that they are real to her. I think it is fair to expect the same in return. I fall short at times. I think we most of do. Someone can choose to believe my words or not, but I will at least offer them. With all that said, anyone who is unwilling to meet another on such terms is not worth the emotional or mental energy expended. Granted, not day by day. Over months. Sooner or later, the scales must tip back towards some semblance of equal .... or it is time to walk. As it was said before in this thread: these are real people with real feelings. I would add, know your worth. It's okay to give. It's also okay to expect (yes expect) back in return.

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First. I'm sorry for your loss. My Dad passed from Cancer also. It has changed me greatly. Watching 3 parents pass within 2 years took a serious toll on me.
Sometimes I turned to Lit for "normalcy" when he was going through that. But already being vulnerable to pain, I must have been a walking billboard that said "Kick me while I'm down"

The biggest thing that stood out. I respect you for offering that closure. That is HUGE. My time on Lit has had many ups and downs. I have hurt people as well as been hurt and when I started therapy this last year, one of the first things I did was offer closure and forgiveness to everyone that I could still get a hold of. It helped me get closure for those that never offered it to me, and hopefully offered that closure, that I might not have given them.

Allow me to return the sincere sentiment. I am sorry for your loss. It is a club whose membership I would not wish on anyone.

Your comment - Sometimes I turned to Lit for "normalcy" when he was going through that. But already being vulnerable to pain, I must have been a walking billboard that said "Kick me while I'm down".
- It sucks, and not in a good way. There was a part that wants to just light someone up. Another part that realized they really wouldn't have context, and lighting them up served no purpose except to ultimately make you feel worse. So you're just stuck in between, while already being vulnerable to pain.
- I would follow that up by saying, it appears you already know your own worth. See your own strength. Good. For. You. A rather crap way to get there to be sure. But coming out of it all on the other side certainly did change my outlook, on many things. By your words, I am guessing you have seen the same.

Interesting the serenity that comes with the offer of forgiveness. They can choose what to do with. I cannot change the past, only learn from it and do my best not to repeat.

thank you all for sharing your hurt. i'm not ready to share mine publically. I mean I shared parts of it in a dear litster but i'm not going to share the shitshow of my online interactions past.

I will only add a couple things RA, you give me lots of laughs at your wit. tink,sassy and fara, thank you for your insights. it helps me to realize that the same sort of ghosting/etc that happened to me has happened to people who are (by all I can see) better human beings than I am. and rainshine, you are a much stronger human than I am. thank you for sharing your story.

*Sigh*

I didn’t used to have trust issues. For sixteen years I though I had found someone who I could confide in, that I could trust with anything and everything. It was no simple matter either, since coming from an abusive childhood that’s pure nightmare fuel, I found it hard to believe such a person could exist. Still, I opened my heart to a man and we had many great years together because we were always open and honest with each other. We’ve had the kind of sex life that most couples only dream of.

Which made it all the more painful to come home from work early after getting sick to find my husband in bed with another woman who I didn’t even know. I was awestruck by it. Dumbfounded. Enraged. I had but one rule: don’t go behind my back. If he had wanted to have sex with someone else, all he had to do was tell me about it. I was that open minded, and he knew that. So the question I’ve asked myself over and over is, “why?”. I still don’t have an answer.

All I know is the sight of this event shattered my psyche and my world came crashing down like a house of cards. It awakened the repressed rage of my childhood and all I saw was red. I knocked out two of his teeth, and was arrested for it by the time it was over. Charges were eventually dropped, but I still lost my job as well. In an instant, everything I had worked so hard for was gone.

Except for one: my daughter. After a decade of doctors telling me I couldn’t and shouldn’t have kids, I finally had my daughter. Through all of this, she has been my shining star. My beacon of hope. I’ve put all of my efforts and focus into her well being, and ensuring she never has to live the hardships I once had. In a way, she saved my life, because I was fully willing to embrace self destruction had it not been for her. In spite of all the pain, she had made me feel it was all worth it, and I have no regrets.

So here I am, two years later and finally getting to a place where I can put a little more effort into myself and not solely on my daughter — though she still takes up a good 90% of it though. I used to be such an energetic, compassionate, and loving person and those who remember me back then could testify to that. I don’t feel like I’m the same person anymore, and I hate it! I used to be flirty and sexual and now I feel like I couldn’t be bothered. My hope was that by coming back to Lit, I could rekindle some of that lost sexual energy, but I’m not sure that was the best decision.

So do I have trust issues? A better question would be, what reason do I have to trust anyone?

Sorry, I’m rambling. I best just end it there.

Erotically_Yours said:

*Sigh*

I didn’t used to have trust issues. For sixteen years I though I had found someone who I could confide in, that I could trust with anything and everything. It was no simple matter either, since coming from an abusive childhood that’s pure nightmare fuel, I found it hard to believe such a person could exist. Still, I opened my heart to a man and we had many great years together because we were always open and honest with each other. We’ve had the kind of sex life that most couples only dream of.

Which made it all the more painful to come home from work early after getting sick to find my husband in bed with another woman who I didn’t even know. I was awestruck by it. Dumbfounded. Enraged. I had but one rule: don’t go behind my back. If he had wanted to have sex with someone else, all he had to do was tell me about it. I was that open minded, and he knew that. So the question I’ve asked myself over and over is, “why?”. I still don’t have an answer.

All I know is the sight of this event shattered my psyche and my world came crashing down like a house of cards. It awakened the repressed rage of my childhood and all I saw was red. I knocked out two of his teeth, and was arrested for it by the time it was over. Charges were eventually dropped, but I still lost my job as well. In an instant, everything I had worked so hard for was gone.

Except for one: my daughter. After a decade of doctors telling me I couldn’t and shouldn’t have kids, I finally had my daughter. Through all of this, she has been my shining star. My beacon of hope. I’ve put all of my efforts and focus into her well being, and ensuring she never has to live the hardships I once had. In a way, she saved my life, because I was fully willing to embrace self destruction had it not been for her. In spite of all the pain, she had made me feel it was all worth it, and I have no regrets.

So here I am, two years later and finally getting to a place where I can put a little more effort into myself and not solely on my daughter — though she still takes up a good 90% of it though. I used to be such an energetic, compassionate, and loving person and those who remember me back then could testify to that. I don’t feel like I’m the same person anymore, and I hate it! I used to be flirty and sexual and now I feel like I couldn’t be bothered. My hope was that by coming back to Lit, I could rekindle some of that lost sexual energy, but I’m not sure that was the best decision.

So do I have trust issues? A better question would be, what reason do I have to trust anyone?

Sorry, I’m rambling. I best just end it there.

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No rambling at all. I am speechless. That was sad and beautiful at the same time. I hope you find that energy in yourself again and the sparkle returns to your eyes.

There is rarely ever a reason from outside yourself to trust.

For the most part the world shoves you around and makes it difficult to imagine doing much more than surviving.

To trust you have to be comfortable enough with the fact that by doing so you will be hurt. You have to be sure enough of yourself that you can handle pain. You have to accept that with the ebb there will be a flow.

It is frustrating as hell because there isn't some consistent pattern that will let you know on this day I am going to be able to handle it better than this other day. Also there is no pattern to when the world is going to heap an extra helping onto your plate.

The best advice I ever got was being told it is OK to be hurt and say not today. Just not today.