Humor Thread

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"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

That story used to be told about the City of Canterbury in Kent.

To the North East was the sewage farm. To the South West was the Tannery.

The prevailing winds were and are mainly South West, followed by North East.

The Tannery has now closed and has been redeveloped but the sewage farm has been extended.
 
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
 
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...


Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
 
This one may not make much sense to those unfamiliar with European cars:


Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Essex Ferry checkpoint.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.
Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I’ve had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

:)
 
I am so glad you told that joke. I will use the same method you did here we go, be warned:

Scroll down










Jewish man meets his best friend in a bar and he says: "Oh Haime, what am I to do? All my life I raise my son to be a good Jewish boy. Last night, my son, yes the one I spent 10 grand on his bar mitsvah, tells me he is turning Christian. What am I to do?"

Haime says, "Funny you should ask. just last week my own son comes to me. He tells me wants to turn Christian."

"What did you do?

"I went to my Rabbi and I said "Rabbi, what am I to do? All my life I raise my son to be a good Jewish boy. Last week he comes to me and says he wants to turn Christian."

And my Rabbi says "Funny you should ask. Just last month my own son turned christian."

"Oy Vey! What did you do?"

I went to the temple and i prostrated myself before the Ark and i said, Oh, Lord of our Fathers, what Am I to do. Last month my son comes to me and says he wants to turn Christian, What am I to do?"

"Yeah, what happened?"

"This deep voice came from the sky and said, "Funny you should ask!"
 
Hey, John! one for you.

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Jewish man meets his best friend in a bar and he says: "Oh Haime, what am I to do? All my life I raise my son to be a good Jewish boy. Last night, my son, yes the one I spent 10 grand on his bar mitsvah, tells me he is turning Christian. What am I to do?"

Haime says, "Funny you should ask. just last week my own son comes to me. He tells me wants to turn Christian."

...
VERY funny! Thanks!!!
- curl
 
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
 
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
EXTREMELY FUNNY!
Thanks, DG!

- curl
 
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.


Your Personality:

1. The whole thing.
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim. Nobody likes you.
 
Murphy's Laws for Business

If its raining, or cold or both the bus will be late

If you're running late the bus will be too

If you think you have lots of time before your bus you read the timetable wrong (or its out of date or both)

If you're early the bus is late If you're late the bus was early

The other people at the bus stop are waiting for the bus that has just pulled in

If you have no change then the bus driver won't have any either

The customer can be thrown off the bus at any time any explanation necessary

Two bus for the same place will always pull in together

The sign at the front of the bus is merely for decoration it is not the destination of the bus

Waiting for a bus seems to be longer than the journey.

If two or more bus routes go to one stop; at least one of each of the others will arrive before the one you want.

The bus you plan to take always leaves five minutes before you reach the bus stop. The bus you do take is always ten minutes late.

The hotter it is outside, bigger the chance there's no air conditioning.

The first bus from your route will always appear first in the opposite direction.

If you seem to catch the last bus of the day, it left two minutes earlier.

The more times you ask the driver to tell you when to get off the bus, the chance he won't tell you is bigger.

If you light a cigarette, the bus will come.

If you will light the cigarette in order to hurry up the arrival of the bus, it will be late.

Chat with a pretty girl, or light a cigarette, and the bus will arrive immediately.

The bus schedule should be known as one of the most exquisitly creative and vividly imaginary forms of fiction ever devised by man.

If you are early, the bus will be late.

if you are late to the bus-station, the bus will be on time.

If you must take a bus there's a strike.

Irrespective time and route, the city buses are always crowded

The last person on the bus always wants the last stop

When you're behind time you always get every learner driver in front of you and every light is red.
 
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.

"I'll have a glass of blood," said one.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other.

"Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."

****

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

****

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
She, quoting her magazine: " There's an interesting article that says, according to feminists, this is the dawning of the Age of Women. "

He looks up from his book, thinks for a short while and replies:
"I'm sorry to break it to you, Honey, but the Iron Age was a long time ago".
 
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."

And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

****

Teacher: "Johnny why is your cat at school today?"

John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your fuckin pussy!"
 
A profile on gay dating site reads:

Online: FOR GOD SAKE READ MY PROFILE FIRST>> RUDE, SUPER-BUSY OR SUPERMODELS JUST FUCK OFF. ONLY CALL ME ON 9646448051 or ADD ON WHATSAPP FOR CHAT. ONLY SINCERE GUYS FOR LOVE, DATE & RELSHP CALL DIRECTLY. M LOOKING FOR LOVER-cum-SEX PARTNER <3 :

HI THERE, M VERY NICE, CARING, TRUSTWORTHY, HONEST, FRIENDLY, LOYAL, SEXY N LOVING GUY - SEARCHING FOR SAME TYPE OF BF FOR FRIENDSHIP-n-FUN/LOVE. PREFER TEENS (AGE: 18-25 ONLY) WITH VERY SLIM, SEXY, CLEAN N SMOOTH BODY AND SOFT FEET AS M FOOT FETISH. I HAVE ATTRACTION FOR BOY FEET AND HANDS. MY LIKINGS - ALL ORAL FUN LIKE KISSING, SUCKING, BODY LOVE, MUTUAL MASTURBATION, KISSING N SUCKING FEET AS I LOVE FEET. ALL FEET PICS SHOWN IN PROFILE PICS R NOT MINE BUT SHOW WHAT TYPE OF FEET I LIKE.

-> I AM OPEN AS GAY TO ALL AND IDEALLY WANT A SUITABLE GUY FOR LTR.
-> FOOT FETISH IS LIKE BODY LOVE AND 100% SAFE. I M ROMANTIC, SEXY AND FIT GUY.
-> M IN DEPRESSION, SO BE NICE N CARING FOR ME, I HATE LIARS AND TIME WASTERS.
-> MY PICS SHOWN IN PROFILE, PLS SEND UR FACE AND FEET PICS TO PROCEED, THANKS.
-> I AM NOT AVAILABLE ONLINE FOR CHATS ON FB OR PR MOSTLY, SO BETTER CALL ME DIRECTLY.

M LOOKING FOR A BRIEF INTRO ON PHONE, THEN MEET-UP AND A CASUAL DATE FIRST, SO THEN WE SEE HOW IT PROCEEDS EITHER AS FRIEND OR LOVER. I WANT OPEN RELATION FIRST AND IF I GET MY SOUL-MATE, THEN LIKE TO GO INTO COMMITTED LIVE IN RELATION AND MAY BE GAY MARRIAGE WITH GAY WIFE AS MY LIFE PARTNER.

STRICT NO TO ATTITUDE BEARER TIME WASTERS, ONLY FRIEND OR ONLY SEX SEEKERS, MONEY SEEKERS, LIARS, CHEATERS, SELFISH, FAKE, CHEAP, TGs, CDs, VERY HAIRY OR BEARDED, CONFUSED N AGED GUYS ABOVE 25 YEARS.

PLEASE CALL ME DIRECTLY OR ADD ME ON WHATSAPP TO PROCEED: +91-9646448051, BUT ONLY AFTER U READ MY WHOLE PROFILE AND FIND YOURSELF SUITABLE ENOUGH TO FULFILL MY CRITERIA:-

[1] FOR DATE, YOU MUST BE A GOOD LOOKING TEENAGE GAY BOTTOM (IF U EXPECT ANAL) ELSE CAN BE A STRAIGHT ACTING or LITTLE GIRLISH, TOP/VERSATILE ALSO BUT INTO SIMPLE ORAL FUN ONLY. M SEARCHING ALL GUYS NEAR CHANDIGARH, PUNJAB. HARYANA, H.P. AND DELHI/NCR AS WELL... I CAN ARRANGE FOR PLACE OF STAY AND FOOD AT MY COST. SO U NEED NOT WORRY AT ALL. JUST PLAN YOUR TIME AND CALL ME TO FIX UP A MEETING.

[2] FOR PARTNER, YOU MUST BE EDUCATED ENOUGH TO WORK, KNOW COOKING AND DRIVING A BIKE AT LEAST, OPEN MINDED AND FREE TO LIVE WITH ME IF WE COMMITTED, NO ATTITUDE, DECENT, NICE N CARING, HONEST N SINCERE, TRUSTWORTHY, LOYAL AND READY FOR GAY MARRIAGE IN FUTURE.
 
A profile on gay dating site reads:

Online: FOR GOD SAKE READ MY PROFILE FIRST>> RUDE, SUPER-BUSY OR SUPERMODELS JUST FUCK OFF. ONLY CALL ME ON 9646448051 or ADD ON WHATSAPP FOR CHAT. ONLY SINCERE GUYS FOR LOVE, DATE & RELSHP CALL DIRECTLY. M LOOKING FOR LOVER-cum-SEX PARTNER <3 :

HI THERE, M VERY NICE, CARING, TRUSTWORTHY, HONEST, FRIENDLY, LOYAL, SEXY N LOVING GUY - SEARCHING FOR SAME TYPE OF BF FOR FRIENDSHIP-n-FUN/LOVE. PREFER TEENS (AGE: 18-25 ONLY) WITH VERY SLIM, SEXY, CLEAN N SMOOTH BODY AND SOFT FEET AS M FOOT FETISH. I HAVE ATTRACTION FOR BOY FEET AND HANDS. MY LIKINGS - ALL ORAL FUN LIKE KISSING, SUCKING, BODY LOVE, MUTUAL MASTURBATION, KISSING N SUCKING FEET AS I LOVE FEET. ALL FEET PICS SHOWN IN PROFILE PICS R NOT MINE BUT SHOW WHAT TYPE OF FEET I LIKE.

-> I AM OPEN AS GAY TO ALL AND IDEALLY WANT A SUITABLE GUY FOR LTR.
-> FOOT FETISH IS LIKE BODY LOVE AND 100% SAFE. I M ROMANTIC, SEXY AND FIT GUY.
-> M IN DEPRESSION, SO BE NICE N CARING FOR ME, I HATE LIARS AND TIME WASTERS.
-> MY PICS SHOWN IN PROFILE, PLS SEND UR FACE AND FEET PICS TO PROCEED, THANKS.
-> I AM NOT AVAILABLE ONLINE FOR CHATS ON FB OR PR MOSTLY, SO BETTER CALL ME DIRECTLY.

M LOOKING FOR A BRIEF INTRO ON PHONE, THEN MEET-UP AND A CASUAL DATE FIRST, SO THEN WE SEE HOW IT PROCEEDS EITHER AS FRIEND OR LOVER. I WANT OPEN RELATION FIRST AND IF I GET MY SOUL-MATE, THEN LIKE TO GO INTO COMMITTED LIVE IN RELATION AND MAY BE GAY MARRIAGE WITH GAY WIFE AS MY LIFE PARTNER.

STRICT NO TO ATTITUDE BEARER TIME WASTERS, ONLY FRIEND OR ONLY SEX SEEKERS, MONEY SEEKERS, LIARS, CHEATERS, SELFISH, FAKE, CHEAP, TGs, CDs, VERY HAIRY OR BEARDED, CONFUSED N AGED GUYS ABOVE 25 YEARS.

PLEASE CALL ME DIRECTLY OR ADD ME ON WHATSAPP TO PROCEED: +91-96XXXXXXX, BUT ONLY AFTER U READ MY WHOLE PROFILE AND FIND YOURSELF SUITABLE ENOUGH TO FULFILL MY CRITERIA:-

[1] FOR DATE, YOU MUST BE A GOOD LOOKING TEENAGE GAY BOTTOM (IF U EXPECT ANAL) ELSE CAN BE A STRAIGHT ACTING or LITTLE GIRLISH, TOP/VERSATILE ALSO BUT INTO SIMPLE ORAL FUN ONLY. M SEARCHING ALL GUYS NEAR CHANDIGARH, PUNJAB. HARYANA, H.P. AND DELHI/NCR AS WELL... I CAN ARRANGE FOR PLACE OF STAY AND FOOD AT MY COST. SO U NEED NOT WORRY AT ALL. JUST PLAN YOUR TIME AND CALL ME TO FIX UP A MEETING.

[2] FOR PARTNER, YOU MUST BE EDUCATED ENOUGH TO WORK, KNOW COOKING AND DRIVING A BIKE AT LEAST, OPEN MINDED AND FREE TO LIVE WITH ME IF WE COMMITTED, NO ATTITUDE, DECENT, NICE N CARING, HONEST N SINCERE, TRUSTWORTHY, LOYAL AND READY FOR GAY MARRIAGE IN FUTURE.
 
You've got to love this Headmistress

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle under Lyme was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers............and then there are educators.
 
THE KNOCK-DOWN, DRAG-OUT TEXT FEUD OVER A WEDDING PRESENT YOU HAVE TO READ TO BELIEVE [Jun. 20, 2013]
We’re guessing you’ve attended your share of weddings and perhaps have walked down the aisle yourself.
Which is to say, you probably have an idea of what makes a good wedding gift…and how the etiquette surrounding the giving and receiving is supposed to go.
So here’s what one couple chose as a present for recent newlyweds:


A wicker box with a hinged lid filled with “tri-color pasta, salsas, Balsamic vinegar and Olive, Gourmet croutons, Panko Breading, Pesto, some baking ingredients, Biscuits from Godiva and a few ‘Fun’ items like Marshmallow Fluff, Sour Patch Kids and Butterscotch sauce.”

On the accompanying card was this message: “Life is delicious….Enjoy”

The recipients of the basket were, according to a hilarious piece in the Spectator of Hamilton, Ontario, not particularly thrilled.

Here’s a text message from “Bride 1″ to the basket-giver:

Heyyy I just wanna say thanks for the gift but unfortunately I can’t eat any of it lol I’m gluten intolerant. Do u maybe have a receipt

To which the basket-giver replied:

Ahh s–t! Really!?

We had a great time. Thank you again for allowing us to be a part of the celebration.


The basket-giver goes on to tell the Spectator that he was “a little thrown off by this. A few weeks before the two of them came to eat at the Italian restaurant I currently work at (paying with the Gift Card I had my owner donate to their doe and doe…..but I digress), and both ate pasta, and not our gluten free stuff either.”

Anyway, the basket-giver soon got the following text:

Hey…it’s (Bride 1′s) wife Laura. I want to thank you for coming to the wedding Friday. I’m not sure if it’s the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding… People give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate… And got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads up for the future :)


Thoroughly fuming, the basket-giver sent a lengthy diatribe to the new married couple via Facebook:

Hi , I want to tell you how incredibly insulted I am in both of the messages you have sent me over the last two days. (Bride 1), I am sorry that you have intolerance to Gluten, I am sure that makes life difficult at times. However, to ask for a receipt is unfathomable. In fact it was incredibly disrespectful. It was the rudest gesture I have encountered, or even heard of. That is until you, Laura, messaged me today.

Laura, the message you sent to me today was by far the most inconsiderate, immature, greedy, and asinine thing I have ever had the displeasure of seeing.

This is not even close to being the first wedding I have attended, and actually I have done a lot of research on wedding etiquette, a step in the process the two of you clearly skipped over (clearly displayed by Laura chewing gum, like a cow does hay, while walking down the aisle). Here is some help for you..just a heads up for the future.

The Bride’s Etiquette Guide: Etiquette Made Easy, Second Edition. Here is the link. [...]

In retrospect, this is the exact style of behavior I should have expected from the two of you, when you used the gift card donated to your doe and doe for a personal date night, then had the gall to ask your server for the “friends and family discount”.

I’m sure that one, or the two of you will mature, and grow into adults who will take a different, more respectful, LOVE based approach when you invite guests to your next wedding.

The texts continued apace, first a response from Laura, Bride 2:

Again… Out of 210 people at a wedding… The only I gift I got from all was yours… And fluffy whip and sour patch kids. Your Facebook message had nothing to do with the gift. Weddings are to make money for your future.. Not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven’t gave gifts since like 50 years ago! You ate steak, chicken, booze, and a beautiful venue. To be exact the plates were $97 a person… But thanks again for the $30 gift basket my wife can’t even eat. If anything you should be embarrassed for being so cheap and embarrassing yourself walking in with a gift basket probably re gifted cheap ass. Again.. Out of 210 people, you were the talk and laugh of the whole wedding!!!! Worst gift ever story Is being passed along to everyone!! How about you tell people what you gave as a 2 person gift to a wedding and see what normal functioning people say about it!! Do a survey with people u know… And tell me what 100% of them tell you!! Wake up dude

Basket-guy parried back:

it’s obvious you have the etiquette of a twig, I couldn’t care less of what you think about the gift you received, “normal” people would welcome anything given, you wanna have a party, you pay for it, DON’T expect me to, I don’t care what you or anybody thinks, you should just be happy your sham of a marriage is legal dude!

(Note: Here the basket-giver acknowledges that he shouldn’t have thrown in a pot shot about the couple’s same-sex wedding, but he was “mad, and lost my train of thought for a brief moment.”)

Bride 2 continued her walk down the warpath:

Lol. Your an idiot. Go research more on life

You should have been cut from the list.. I knew we were gunna get a bag of peanuts.. I was right

Basket guy:

Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. - George Carlon. [sic]

You just proved this to be true.

Bride 2:

Thanks for the fluffy whip :). Have a good day


------------------
So what do you think?

Was the basket gift acceptable or in poor taste?
Was the reaction of the newlyweds justified or out of line?
 
LOL, HP. I dunk my oreos ;).

Reminds me of the joke about therapists' clients.

If they're early, they're anal retentive.
If they're late, they're paranoid.
And if they're on time, they're psychotic.
 
LOL, HP. I dunk my oreos ;).

Reminds me of the joke about therapists' clients.

If they're early, they're anal retentive.
If they're late, they're paranoid.
And if they're on time, they're psychotic.

Your Traffic story reminded me of this one. When you read it, imagine the sound of Camile Saviola (the Bajoran religious leader in ST DS9):


The wife of a preacher talked to her Sunday school class about a wonderful religious experience that she had the previous week:

"The other day I went up to the local Christian bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly happy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice at church so I brought the bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car.

"I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the traffic lights of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and I did not notice that the light had changed to go. It was a good thing that someone else loves Jesus or I may never have noticed that the lights had changed.

"I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and leaned out the window and screamed:
'For the love of God, Go.. Go..., Jesus Christ, GO..! '

"Everyone was honking. I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to All of those loving people and I even honked MY own horn a few times to Share in the love.

"A man from way back was yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back what this meant, he said it was nothing really, "Probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something".

"Well I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the Window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My son burst into laughter. Even he was enjoying the love of this marvellous religious experience.

"A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of the cars and were walking towards me. I think they wanted to pray, or ask which church I attended, but that was when I noticed the lights had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.

"Mine was the only car that got across the intersection before the lights changed again to red. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them, and all of the love that we had shared, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.

"Praise the lord for such a wonderful experience"
 
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
 
LOL, those were both great stories, DG and HP!

I have been very good in the traffic since then, HP. Well, actually I've just been cycling and I tend not to cut people up then give them the finger when I'm just on my bicycle!
:)
 
Two of the 'gurlz' sitting at the Bar. The first one opens up a new subject:
"You seem to always go out on your own; I thought you had a boyfriend?"

"Oh but I do," replied the second, "but he doesn't live nearby any more."
"That must be tough."
The second sighed and said: "The hardest part of a long-distance relationship was persuading him to move away."!
 
After being ill for a week, my wife got a doctor to give me a home visit.

As I woke from a sleep, the doctor was by my bed shaking his head.

"I've been looking through your records Mr. Smith, and it doesn't look good" said the doctor.

"Oh my god" I replied nervously. "Is it that bad doc?"

"I'd say so" he said. "Earth, Wind and Fire's greatest hits, Barbara Streisand, Barry Manilow. What the hell were you thinking when you bought these?"
 
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