Philosophic & psychologic roots of self confidence

I don't know how coherent this is going to be, but it's something I've been thinking of recently. I know I've posted before about my depression, which has gotten especially bad this past year. And I've never had a ton of self confidence. So basically those two things combined have led to constantly feeling like there's nothing really to look forward to, that my life is always going to be the struggle that it is. And I'm never going to meet anyone or even have friendships like I did in the past when other people my age were single. Even if I tried to meet new people, why would they bother getting attached to me? There's nothing that I could give them that others couldn't, plus I come with these fun mental health issues.

Anyway, that's where my mind's been at, and so I was reading some old threads here about shyness, self confidence, etc. And I saw a lot of great advice about believing in oneself, not looking to other people for a sense of self worth, and so on. But I have to wonder, what is it that makes someone go from having no self confidence, most likely because they were put down or teased or something for a large part of their life, to saying, all that life has taught me up until now is wrong, something inside me is instead telling me that I'm not what everything else has said. I am better or smarter or more attractive or whatever. Is it all to do with brain chemicals? Or is there a part of the brain that is developed in other people that hasn't developed in people with no self confidence? And if so, can it be developed as an adult - like a blind person getting surgery to be able to see having to learn to use his eyes? Or is it something else completely?

I said "philosophic & psychologic roots" in the title because both of those fields don't really have concrete answers. I think there probably aren't any concrete answers, but there are always lots of thoughtful replies on here, so I was curious to see what some other perspectives are.

I was an introvert all through high school. I was involved in an accident at the end of my senior year that left me with a "fencing scar" on my face. I had some self confidence issues that are now, thankfully, long behind me.

I think the fact that you are asking the question is a sign that you know that what you are feeling is wrong. You are seeking validation from other people when the only validation that matters comes from inside of you.

I think that life can teach confidence if we let it. Sometimes it just boils down to realizing that we can't control what other people think, do, or say but we can control who we are and what we stand for. I feel that a big part of that validation comes from getting out and doing things that prove that we have worth and value. Volunteering is a great way to do this, IMHO. When you help someone who is less fortunate than you are for no other reason than you can, you realize that you do have value. You begin to reenforce that you are a good and decent person, and that in and of itself is a valuable commodity in the world.

Learn something new. Master something. Nothing builds self confidence like developing a mastery of a skill or even just a subject. When I realized that I'm better at what I do than most people, I gained a lot of self confidence. My first "real" girlfriend noticed that I was confident even though I was anything but confident as we got to know each other. I don't think that it's a coincidence that at about that time I knew I was a master at my craft.

This is one of those times when it's true that you have to love yourself first, I guess. But, to answer your question, yes I think self confidence can be discovered in one's self.

That's about as philosophical as I get ;-)

Best to you.

Short version: It's a leap of faith.

Longer version:
Nobody can tell you that you're desirable and endurably beautiful until you get someone who grabs your head and heart and carries you off over their proverbial shoulder, and they manage to hit all the right notes to the melody of your heart. That whole 'if one person believes in you' thing.

That being said... it's very easy to backslide when you rely on someone else proving that you're wanted.

I think that if we open ourselves up to be hurt, but then we _do_ get hurt, that trust being shattered often stops us from coming back from the broken bits for awhile. If we weren't terribly whole to begin with, it's a bit more of an effort.

Consistency is a part of it; find some folks you can rely on to be positive influences in your life and make a point of being around them, instead of the people who are negative 'angels', as a mentor of mine says.

The more you feel safe expressing yourself, as yourself, the more you'll do it, and the better you'll feel when that self-expression is accepted, doubly so if it's praised.

But you can't get accepted if you don't spread your wings and take that first leap of faith. You'll be able to leap shorter distances if you find people who are in the practice of being positive for others. You'll know 'em when you meet 'em.

The folks who can look you in the eye and say, 'it's a pleasure to meet you.'
The folks who compliment you or something you're doing without being asked, 'hey, what do you think of me/this?'
The folks who you discover have similar likes and hobbies and want to talk shop.

It's a long road. You'll have to be out in public -- you don't make friends without trying to be around people. (Well, there is that internet thang, but.... it's not quite the same.)

Don't think you can get rid of the shyness or self-consciousness completely -- I still haven't been able to, but I hide it well....

-CT

cheekygirl75 said:

Even if I tried to meet new people, why would they bother getting attached to me? There's nothing that I could give them that others couldn't, plus I come with these fun mental health issues.

Click to expand...

Because there is no other you in the entire world. You do offer something different....you.

Nobody can offer a switch to make you feel better about yourself. How are you managing your depression? Have you tried therapy? medication? exercise? I think once you get that fully under control many of these other issues will not seem so hopeless.

Also, you might have to re-train your brain if you were raised to believe you're not special and amazing. It can be done with a lot of work. I think the others gave good advice on this part.

Competency with something.

Every day or every week master how to do something, anything.

For the price of a loaf of bread you could be a Master Toast Maker. Then a Master Orange Squeezer. Or Jelly Spreader.

Start somewhere and go from there.

Everyone who isn't a psychotic has self-doubt; the question is what you do once you're there. For me, it comes from being brash enough to power through the doubt when I was younger, and having powered through it enough at some point to realize "this'll be OK". But the flash of doubt is always there.

It sounds like you're also dealing with depression; that's a different thing all together from what I understand. I've talked depressed friends through it, and the one thing that's worked for them is the thing that gets me through my (infrequent, short, deep) funks - just go do something (see the 'master making toast' above). For me (a guy), I clean and sort tools, sharpen knives, clean guns, and polish cookware. All of those are tasks that are always undone, and the fact of having done these simple things always lifts the cloud.

Another thing is a memory I have; someone I was driving past doing something remarkable, totally un-self-conscious, and joyful. In a world where people dance for no reason, how can I be truly sad?

None of this is an exact recipe for feeling better. You have to make your own. We all do.

1. Philosophically - "The oracle says that I am the wisest of the Greeks. If it is true, it is because I alone know that I know nothing."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S24FxdvfOko

2. Physiology - Consciously altering body language is probably the easier, quicker, and more effective way to alter it, rather that go into structural-psychological stuff that won't stick if the primal brain isn't in alignment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc

3. Everyone will have doubts. Shrug them off. Everyone will have failures. Dust yourself off, try again.

Also, fair warning - a lot of unconfident people will detest you when you become confident. Haters gonna hate.

Hi

I've suffered all my life from severe anxiety issues - they call it General Anxiety Disorder. I'm now on anti depressants and will be for the rest of my life. Mental health issues here in the UK are poorly addressed and there are huge waiting lists for therapy sessions.

I would really recommend getting in touch with a Cognative Behavior Therapist and try a few sessions of CBT. This is widely used for treating depression and anxiety. Its really changed my life.

If you go to the Anxiety UK there is a cheap way to access CBT therapy. There are also books on building up self confidence etc.

Try these websites

http://psychology.tools

http://self-help.tools (there is a specific section on low self esteem)

During my recent very severe bout of anxiety I also suffered from very low self esteem, to the extent that I couldn't do basic things like driving or going to the shops. This was a bit of an issue as I am normally a Managing Director of million pound businesses!! A huge proportion of society suffers from mental illness at one point or more within there life's. There's nothing to be ashamed by it. However I would say be proactive and do something positive like get CBT therapy. It will change your mental outlook and really help you

Love

Bob

Going to be blunt here. When you can say "fuck it" and move on, life gets easier. Yes, it is that simple it is just a journey to get there.

Don't take this as inconsiderate bc I believe what everyone has said above. Mental health is a big deal in today's society. Excuses though don't get results, make a small change everyday and eventually you will get to the goal.

It's interesting this came up again after my other thread last night. A belated thanks to all the thoughtful replies that I never got to read or respond to on my trip back down the rabbit hole, as some would say, last year.

I think the idea of becoming competent in something is especially good. And it also helps me to answer my own question for my own situation, at least a little. There must be something biological going on on top of any learned behavior or internalized assumptions others have made about me. Because although there are things that I know, logically, that I'm good or even great at, I can't feel that. I can't seem to, no matter how hard I try, add that to my own internal vision of myself and how, in my mind, others see me. It just doesn't penetrate.

Anyway, thanks for listening; I'll give up the therapy couch to someone else if you want to use it!