Trying to gain confidence & therapize myself

Looking back at my time here at Lit, it's a little sad how little progress I seem to have made in resolving any of the issues I've talked about on here, despite the wonderful advice I've read & been given. I think, deep down, I was still convinced that it would happen like in the movies or romance novels - I would meet "the one" who would magically make me comfortable with my own sexuality and we'd have our happily orgasmic ever after. Despite the fact that up to now, I have never been at all comfortable with initiating anything sexual with any partner or giving any suggestions about what I like or pretty much discussing anything to do with sex in person with anyone.

So I'm finally looking at the place I should have been looking all along, myself, and trying to let myself really feel what erotic feelings are there and what it would be like if I actually really participated in my own sex life, instead of just going through what I think are the right motions. And though it feels a little creepy to have had such an explicit fantasy while looking at a picture of a real person (specifically Tom Hiddleston with no shirt from The Only Lovers Left Alive), I decided I should put this little blurb that I wrote out there. This whole thread probably sounds a little cheesy, but really it's just my own form of therapy. Nice comments and advice always welcome but I'm not really looking for any one on one "help".

"I imagine.... he's lying there with his shirt off, half dozing, but half awake. His eyes are slightly open, but he doesn't want to scare me away from using what little courage I have to attempt to seduce him. There's just something about his chest and stomach that makes me want to attack him. I crawl over him and start kissing, just above his belt, at that irresistible spot where the hair from his belly button starts to disappear. Wet, open mouth kisses, tasting as I move up, outlining his muscles with my tongue.

I'm so engrossed in what I'm doing, I don't even really notice or get nervous when he wakes up fully and pulls my hair off my face, holding it at my neck. I'm at his nipples now, running my hands up his sides to his shoulders. I love his shoulders. He pulls gently on my hair to turn my face up to him. "You're so sexy," he says. He looks at me with soft lust and kindness in his eyes. He knows what it took for me to make this move. He draws me up, holding my eyes, not letting me escape from the true intimacy of being connected to the reality of the person I'm with, until our mouths meet. "

Encore! I'm glad you're having fun imagining and exploring.

well

Well done!!! Keep up the good work.
FWIW, very few folks have been able to resolve issues, or, as we used to say, solve emotional problems, with resources limited to yourself and those on a bulletin board. Things we learned in childhood are DEEPLY embedded in our psyche and way of thinking and are often very, very peresistent.
Have you considered help from a therapist or counselor? The Psychology Today web site lists counselors if you have such an inclination.

Damn.
~fanning self~

Well, you know how to write about sex. So that's something.

I think we all go through something like what you're going through. Movies and books fill us with expectations that are complete fantasy. Then we go through life feeling cheated because we never seem to get the happy ending.

Thanks all. Yes, nfrrdscnnr1, I'm seeing a therapist too, but was realizing that even though I think it has been helping a lot in many ways, I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to her about things like this because I'm not comfortable talking to anyone about things like this. This was just a small first step to hopefully making that more productive in this area too.

And kristaswallows, I completely agree! Maybe the most we can really hope for is a happy ending massage at some point in life.

kristaswallows said:

Movies and books fill us with expectations that are complete fantasy. Then we go through life feeling cheated because we never seem to get the happy ending.

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