Feedback Request

tnbnb

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Apr 11, 2013
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My third story was just posted this week.

https://www.literotica.com/s/rob-and-jamie-an-oral-history


After four days I have 600 views. My first story which I did a couple years ago had thousands of views after the first day and now has almost 50,000 views.

I posted the new story in the erotic coupling category which seemed like the most appropriate , but may be part of the problem.

The story has a lot of background info so it starts slowly. I wanted it to be like a romantic comedy movie with a twist so the beginning is intentionally kind of cheesy.

I just wanted to get feedback to see if it is just not something people are interested, is it not very good or did it just get lost in the shuffle?
 
I just looked this over -- a skim, I admit -- and to me, this story was too much going back and forth between the characters. There's nothing wrong with doing that, but I felt like I was being jerked back and forth when it changed with every paragraph.

I never felt like I got to know the characters; all the information came so rapidly that it was hard to assimilate.

The sex itself isn't terribly erotic or arousing to me -- it happens so quickly and with little detail. There's no real build up to get a person interested. I'm not too connected with the characters, and the sex is described so perfunctorily that there's nothing exciting there. I'm told they like it, which is good, but that doesn't do anything for me.
 
The first place to look concerning problems in low views isn't content--it's in what will cause readers to open the story, or not. The category is a catchall one that doesn't catch all that many readers, your title is ambiguous ("Jamie" is as much a male name as a female name. Those not wanting to read Gay Male in the EC section are likely to march on by this one), and your description is dull.

I guess there's another problem of those who actually did read it, as it's sitting at a 2.00, but the issue you're asking about concerns low views. Low views means few are opening the story.
 
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SR has good points. I went right to the story so didn't see the tagline or even really notice the title since I was right there. However, if I'd seen it in a list, I think I'd have passed over it.

"Rob and Jamie" does make it sound like a Gay Male story which isn't a bad thing, but many people will skip it. "An Oral History" makes it sound like it will focus on oral sex, which again isn't a bad thing, but may turn some people off. And the description, while accurate, is also pretty flat.

So unfortunately it sounds like the combination of those factors are not enticing people to read the story.
 
The first place to look concerning problems in low views isn't content--it's in what will cause readers to open the story, or not. The category is a catchall one that doesn't catch all that many readers, your title is ambiguous ("Jamie" is as much a male name as a female name. Those not wanting to read Gay Male in the EC section are likely to march on by this one), and your description is dull.

I guess there's another problem of those who actually did read it, as it's sitting at a 2.00, but the issue you're asking about concerns low views. Low views means few are opening the story.

Could be the flip-side of the same problem. If the only people reading it are the ones who are looking for GM... and yeah, I also thought from the title that "Jamie" was most likely a guy.
 
Could be the flip-side of the same problem. If the only people reading it are the ones who are looking for GM... and yeah, I also thought from the title that "Jamie" was most likely a guy.

It takes a bit of reading to find out it isn't.
 
The first thing I did is probably the last thing you want a reader to do. I flipped down through the story to see how many other names there were like "Rob-" Already, two or three words and I have stopped reading. What you want is for me to start reading and not stop. If you are going to choose an unusual style it should make me say "wow", not "huh?"
 
Thanks for the feedback. I decided to have the story pulled and I will rework.

I plan to make the format more conventional and I will change the female's name to make it gender specific.
 
Thanks for the feedback. I decided to have the story pulled and I will rework.

I plan to make the format more conventional and I will change the female's name to make it gender specific.

Just wanted to update this thread because the reworked story is now up with more views and some positive feedback. Some minor changes can make a big difference.

https://www.literotica.com/s/how-we-became-a-webcam-couple
 
Very strange. On the first page you switch tenses so often I just about got whiplash. The second page seemed really ragged and disjointed. Lots and lots of run-ons. As I read it was almost like I had to ask permission to take a breath.
Pronoun use is totally out of control: Quote "My previous boyfriends were douche bags. If guys were on a scale from nice to dicks I would go out with the guys closer to the dick end of the scale because I was afraid that the nice guy would be boring. There was a pattern with them that I needed to break. They were afraid of commitment and the more interest I showed in them, the more it made them pull away. (After not) Having not had a boyfriend for (about) a year, (I was thinking) it was time to put myself out there. I (had) started to look at dating websites but (it) (just) did not feel right trying to meet people online." END QUOTE (I have no clue who (they) are. Are they the nice guys or the dicks?

Your sentences need lots of tightening up, too many "that"s that mean nothing and too much superfluous information. I would not have kept reading except to give you feedback, and your work certainly didn't register on my peter meter.

Not totally worthless though. Keep writing and keep trying. With more space and time I could be much more specific with my suggestions.
 
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