Feedback for Incest Story - Off Topic Comments Split from Another SF Thread

My store just got posted and it's about incest https://www.literotica.com/s/innocence-29#tabs, please leave constructive comments, Part 2 will be submitted today...

Thanks all

George

I e just read it George, just back from a late shift at work and drinking some water.

Here's my comment I made of you don't see it:

That wasn't half bad. Many forget Literotica isn't just for 'good' writers, but everyone. There is scant detail and this is far more of a bare bones affair. With some additional work this could make a nice sexy story. It ones read 'underage' without the disclaimer, so perhaps a few more 'mature' comments to make it feel 'legal' as it were.

The dialogue wasn't bad, your technical skills are good. I've read far worse 'looking' and reading stories so that's a great plus in your favour. Try to double the length of this with a good editor. Create good descriptions of your sister, is she tall? Petite, what is her body like? Beautifully tanned? Pale and soft skinned? Are you hairy? Do you have a skinny/overweight/toned body? We need to know these things.

All things considered it's a good first attempt. A nice imagination and a good ear for dialogue. You just need to build your descriptive parts, to set the mood. Paint the scene as you see it with words, so it's not all 'I did this, she did that' kind of thing.

I liked it and hope to see more work and love to see you improve.

There you go. :)
 
I agree with above in the sense that you don't have to describe every detail. but I had a hard time getting into the story because I had no real idea what they looked like. I'm the type of reader that needs to have some form of mental image of the people, certainly not down to how many freckles they have but something.

Not a grammar Nazi by any means. I can read past a lot of things that other people can't, but you do need some help with that, seemed very rushed and it showed.

But good premise, good start, has potential, I'd check out the next one to see where it goes.

One other comment. I do not think there was under age. I don't think you were trying to slip any in, but the brother...I get inexperienced and naive, but this kid? Fourteen year old boys know more then this guy:eek:

So I would look at making him a little more mature to avoid any under age comments because I see a couple already mentioned it, just some advice.
 
In some places, the meaning isn't clear like this:

I was 18, young, virgin and totally insecure, no girlfriends. Went to an all boy's high school. A damn sausage fest with a bunch of insecure assholes like myself.

I lived with my mom, dad and 3 sisters. My older sister; she was two years older than I was. But she was very close to me and felt bad that I didn't have enough confidence, so I guess she was hatching up a plan for the summer vacation from college.

I was 18, young, virgin, totally insecure and no girlfriends. Went to an all boy's high school. A damn sausage fest with (for?) a bunch of insecure assholes like myself.

I lived with my mom, dad and 3 sisters. My older sister (deleted ; she) was two years older than I was(me). But she was very close to me and felt bad that I didn't have enough confidence. I knew she was hatching up a plan for the summer vacation from college.

Sometimes, you forget to add a period in between, and the sentence becomes unreadable, like in here:

My sister had confided with me that the guy was a clown and that it felt good but she thought it should have been more than that because her girlfriend came and my sister knew that the feeling she got was nowhere close to make her do what her friend did.

You need to work on grammar. There's too many mistakes for me not to notice it. No offence, I left it midway because it didn't hold my interest ong enough.

There's a lot of room for improvement and although I didn't like the story arc, I liked the narrator's voice. A good editor should be able to fix this story for you.

*Hugs*
 
Feedback

Thank you all for the wonderful feedback.

Not an excuse. my English education was from 2nd grade to second year of secondary school as a second language and French as a third after 5th grade. Stopping when I came to the US as a kid. My primary language is Spanish.

Sometimes I find it hard not to think in Spanish and it shoes in my writing. That is the main reason I write here.. Have more stories to come.. And to get rid of that habit.

I've written software most of my life and I also have to get rid of the bad habit of writing pretty much plainly like when you write a technical paper or help instructions...

I see I have a though road to hoe...

My eyes and mind are being opened by your feedback and I appreciate your sharing.

Thanks again
 
You do remarkably well for a second language. I speak a few languages for street use, but could not come close to writing in them as well as you write English. Good job!
 
You've got a lot of good advice here but I suggest you find a volunteer editor-as rare as a yeti- to help with grammar and punctuation.

After 3 re-reads, I agree with LC that it is not an underage story but I think you get your timelines horribly confused. The way you deal with your sister losing her virginity at 16 is technically not allowed here.

From my distant memories of high school and college, the guys were even more aware of female anatomy and biology than the girls. No boyfriend ever needed an explanation of female pubic hair or periods.
 
You've got a lot of good advice here but I suggest you find a volunteer editor-as rare as a yeti- to help with grammar and punctuation.

After 3 re-reads, I agree with LC that it is not an underage story but I think you get your timelines horribly confused. The way you deal with your sister losing her virginity at 16 is technically not allowed here.

From my distant memories of high school and college, the guys were even more aware of female anatomy and biology than the girls. No boyfriend ever needed an explanation of female pubic hair or periods.

[Material prohibited per our forum guidelines.]

I have a preface to this story to ad to it. It will be added before all other parts. Explaining and giving more details on what the characters look like, relationships, etc. This will answer most critics complaints. Which is already making me a better writer.

Thanks for all the feedback..
 
Actually you have to read the story in mind that the characters were actually at least 5 years younger. Use your imagination. I had to bring the story up to comply with Literotica age standards. I'm sure if you read it again. It will make now sense.

Are you saying that you wrote this with the thought that the characters are five years younger than the ages given, that you are inviting the reader to see them that way too, and that you only put the ages in that you did to comply (read fool/circumvent) the Literotica age rule? If so, it should be pulled from the collection. It does read underage to me.
 
George's profile also says he likes to watch girls masturbate... Wonder how far under the legal age he likes them...
 
Pretty uneducated assumption

Are you saying that you wrote this with the thought that the characters are five years younger than the ages given, that you are inviting the reader to see them that way too, and that you only put the ages in that you did to comply (read fool/circumvent) the Literotica age rule? If so, it should be pulled from the collection. It does read underage to me.[/QUOTE

WOW.. That's pretty harsh.... You feeling threatened...

I know what I wrote..

And don't you ever even think I'm a pedophile. You don't know me, and you should never make those assumptions.

Don't be ignorant.
 
Who the hell are you?

"Posted by: MyRubiLips
On: 06-26-2015 09:09 PM

George's profile also says he likes to watch girls masturbate... Wonder how far under the legal age he likes them..."

Are you accusing me? Be careful what you write, even if it's deleted, it's still out there.

Plus...... There could be legal repercussions from your PUBLIC STATEMENTS. I hope you have enough money to pay attorney fees.

Get a life..

WARNING.. Don't you ever even hint that I'm a pedophile... You don't know me personally. And you are making assumptions.

So.... Another person that feels threatened...
 
Bottom line, George, you said you "had to make the character 18 to get your story posted" and then tell your readers "you have to make the character AT LEAST five years younger than 18. That's not allowed on Lit. Your story was reported to the owners.
 
Are you saying that you wrote this with the thought that the characters are five years younger than the ages given, that you are inviting the reader to see them that way too, and that you only put the ages in that you did to comply (read fool/circumvent) the Literotica age rule? If so, it should be pulled from the collection. It does read underage to me.[/QUOTE

WOW.. That's pretty harsh.... You feeling threatened...

I know what I wrote..

And don't you ever even think I'm a pedophile. You don't know me, and you should never make those assumptions.

Don't be ignorant.

Both posters you've come back at, George, were just reacting to what you yourself posted here.

I asked you to confirm you post wording, which pretty clearly states you fudged the ages just to circumvent the rules here. Are you saying that you didn't mean what you post said--just pretend they are five years younger because I just put those ages in to get past the site rule?

I think you posted an underage story (not pedophile because all of your characters appear to be underage) and have posted that you did and invite readers to think of the characters as five years younger than stated. I've asked you to confirm or deny that. That's what your post implies.
 
Actually you have to read the story in mind that the characters were actually at least 5 years younger. Use your imagination. I had to bring the story up to comply with Literotica age standards. I'm sure if you read it again. It will make now sense.


Thanks for all the feedback..


Everyone calm down, he's not a pedo, he just wants to write underage stories. BIG DIFFERENCE. . . .
 
Everyone calm down, he's not a pedo, he just wants to write underage stories. BIG DIFFERENCE. . . .

Cite where I called him a pedophile. I agree he only wants to write underage stories, which aren't permitted here. And what I read that he posted was that he wants readers to understand that his characters really are five years younger then stated in his story (wink, wink. Hard wink, wink). I asked him for a clarification, which he hasn't given.

You and he are the ones trying to go off in a pedophile tangent.
 
OK.. Guys.... We just need to calm down. Take a deep breath and realize that this is not a world ender. I know what I read, that was deleted from this thread...

I consider this thread closed.....
 
Asking how young of girls he likes to watch masturbate (when his profile does say he likes watching girls masturbate) doesn't mean he's a pedo. I didn't call him one. Maybe he likes his girls right at 13 like we're supposed to picture his character at. :)



Regardless, it's Laurel's opinion that will matter.
 
OK.. Guys.... We just need to calm down. Take a deep breath and realize that this is not a world ender. I know what I read, that was deleted from this thread...

I consider this thread closed.....

Well, no, George, you haven't erased what I reacted to and questioned--what seems a pretty direct statement that you purposely misaged your characters to get around the Lit. rules and are inviting the reader to read them as underage. You haven't stepped away from that statement:

[Material prohibited per our forum guidelines.]
 
You haven't stepped away from that statement:

Actually you have to read the story in mind that the characters were actually at least 5 years younger. Use your imagination.

At least five years younger than eighteen... For all we know, he envisioned the character at 8 or 10. *shrugs* Thirteen is the "maximum" age he wanted. :rolleyes:
 
"Posted by: MyRubiLips
On: 06-26-2015 09:09 PMWARNING.. Don't you ever even hint that I'm a pedophile... You don't know me personally. And you are making assumptions.

You and he are the ones trying to go off in a pedophile tangent.


I was making a sarcastic comment .... it's not always all about you sr71plt.
 
I was making a sarcastic comment .... it's not always all about you sr71plt.

I take it this is you being sarcastic about not being able to convey sarcasm in your last message and blaming someone else for that. :rolleyes::D
 
OK.. Guys.... We just need to calm down. Take a deep breath and realize that this is not a world ender. I know what I read, that was deleted from this thread...

I consider this thread closed.....
 
Who says anyone isn't calm? And, nope, your statement of circumventing the site rules and inviting readers to read your characters as underage (which is how I see you wrote them) is still there. Either you just don't get it or you're happy with your flaunting of the rules.
 
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