Feedback request : "Anticipation" nosex / bdsm / solo

NoCorrelation

Experienced
Joined
Jun 9, 2012
Posts
31
Hi,

I'm after feedback for a story I've written. It's just appeared in the BDSM category, but I'd like more feed back than a little comments box allows.

It's a story about a submissive getting a text from their Mistress, and preparing for the night. It ends just after the Mistress enters. There's no sex. There will be no second part.

I'd be interested to know what people think of it.

And it's a strange question, but I'd like to know what gender you think the submissive is. I wanted it to be unclear, but I don't know how well it worked.

Anticipation - https://www.literotica.com/s/anticipation-1004
 
Story

After reading your story then seeing the question at th end, it explains why you didn't develop the main character better. Although women tend to be submissives, men whose career puts them into a position of power will give up their power by becoming a submissive to a dominatrix only.

I found one thing that bothered me. First you mention a blindfold but later you mention a hood which is a totally different piece of equipment. I liked your descriptions of the preparation for the night's activities and the equipment to be used as well as placement. Your attention to detail paints a vivid picture. Good writing.
 
And it's a strange question, but I'd like to know what gender you think the submissive is. I wanted it to be unclear, but I don't know how well it worked.

I wrote one of those; it's interesting how people will often assume a gender without even realising they're doing it. I thought yours was more likely (but not definitely) female, based mostly on this passage:

"I'm getting used to feeling the rough fabric between my legs and the constant rubbing of cotton on my nipples. My nipples that seemed to spend the entire of the last two weeks erect and tantalisingly tender."
 
The main character came off as a woman to me -- partly because of the sensitive nipples and parlour/pedicure/manicure thing and partly because I don't really like to read about male subs from this POV. One of the dew things that really stretch the boundary of my reading habits are BDSM stories with first person POVs of male subs.

Overall, I think you did a very decent job in there. The writing was good, and you didn't bore me out without being too descriptive. I thought the parlour scene was a bit longer than necessary, but in the end, it came off fairly well.

The thoughts of the protagonist, the way you described what she (I'm assuming it to be a she) does, what she wants and her desires...that's the thing that hooked me to your story. That was a job very well done.

I voted it a 5 for your efforts and story telling abilities.
 
Thanks everyone.

I was aware that being ambiguous with the gender of the main character would limit the development, and I'm glad that it sounds like it hasn't had too bad a negative effect. The parlour was a bit longer than I wanted, but I wanted to place the girl in there without making her the only other person mentioned. Sounds like it wasn't too badly overly long.

It's really interesting that the three of you all read the character as female - the only comment on the story apparently read it as male with no ambiguity. :)

I found one thing that bothered me. First you mention a blindfold but later you mention a hood which is a totally different piece of equipment.

Ah, dammit - it started as a hood, but I changed it. Apparently not everywhere. :)
 
Thanks everyone.

I was aware that being ambiguous with the gender of the main character would limit the development, and I'm glad that it sounds like it hasn't had too bad a negative effect. The parlour was a bit longer than I wanted, but I wanted to place the girl in there without making her the only other person mentioned. Sounds like it wasn't too badly overly long.

No, length was good.

IMHO the tricky part of writing neutral gender isn't avoiding pronoun/name "tells", it's in how they interact with a gendered society - e.g. the beauty-parlor treatment is a lot more BDSM-ish for a male submissive (where there's an implied feminisation element) than for a woman where that'd be less eyebrow-raising. Perhaps that's why your commenter read it as male, or perhaps they just assumed heterosexual.
 
That's a very good point, and one of the reasons I tried to make the parlour feel a bit bdsm-y (nudity, self consciousness, submissive feelings, implied previous bdsm) to make it seem equally fetishy and unusual for either gender.

I have no issue with a reader choosing any gender they wish - it let's them interpret it as they wish rather than as I wish. :)

It looks like it was more accepted by readers than my 2nd person experiment.

I need to work on my female voice though. :)
 
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