I finally took the plunge…

I'll give you a 5 for the story idea, and a two for its execution. Your grammar could use quite a bit of clean up, and you have quite a few clumsy sentences. Read it again in a month and you'll see what I mean.

For the next one, get an editor or at least a beta reader to point out the glaring mistakes.

Good luck!
 
Good story, though it had a number of things that dampened my enjoyment.

Standing next to him, Marie felt frumpy.
A very odd start for a story. Not erotic at all.

She shifted uncomfortably as the boss' eyes traveled her body, making her feel naked standing before both men.

Zach kissed the top of her head and pushed her long brown hair from her shoulder as she looked over at him, frowning slightly, clearly uncomfortable with all the attention on her.

"What's wrong?" He asked, "I'm glad you came to surprise me at work. Come on. I'll take you back to the office." Resting a hand on her lower back, he steered her towards the back of the room.

"Nothing's wrong," she mumbled. He didn't know that she felt they were mismatched, she kept those feelings to her self and tried to hide the thoughts when they popped up. And she knew he was aware that she hated being stared at. "The office would be good, I brought you a surprise," she said, gesturing to the bag she had in her hand.
Again, an odd vibe. I would think she would be happy to be seeing her boyfriend at his work and him being excited to see her. Why doesn't she say, "I brought you your lunch"? Saying "I brought you a surprise" and the "surprise" turning out to be his lunch was a clunker.

If she was excited and feeling frisky when she arrived, then the sex in the office would have flowed more naturally.

IMHO, you head hop too much. I would suggest not changing points of views within a paragraph. Actually, I think the story probably would have been better if told only from the woman's point of view.

I found the end very jarring. To me, it changed the relationship from a loving one to one where she was just a sex toy. Up until then, it was a nice story about two people who cared for each other having a little bit of fun in an unexpected time and place.
 
Last edited:
Your story

I read your story but there are problems. First I suggest you keep an old-fashion dictionary by you when you write. This is not to check spelling but to check the definition of the word you want to use. I have seen authors use the word "waste" when they meant "waist." I've also seen them use "shack" when they meant "shake." I also use it to make sure if a word is a single word, two separate words, or hyphenated.

Your sentence structure could use improvement. The use of a book on grammar would be helpful.
 
I'd agree with the other comments here. Quick and dirty critique 1) Use of the same nouns too soon after each other. Example with the word mouth: He felt himself squirt into her mouth, and when done he slowly pulled his cock from her mouth dropping his hand from her head. There was another example where you described the boss, Jeff, repeating the idea that he was the boss and his name was Jeff. 2) Maybe it's a style thing, but there is no need to use quotes when the person is thinking. "Damn she is good," he thought can easily be written as Damn she is good, he thought. It's less cluttered. You had a lot of thinking. :)
 
Back
Top