how to get my wife swinging more

aljolson69

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Mar 27, 2018
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she is early 50's and still faily fit
shes been seeing the present guy for the last 10 years roughly 6 or 7 times a year
they fuck, he comes up her and she usually comes twice
loads of passionate kissing i'd call it making love.

she says she doesn't fancy him, but he does superb massage
sometimes after the fuck or before and leading up to it.

it turns her on talking/fantasising about it while were having sex and can help her to some incredible orgasms

however after a visit she says she feels guilty and the next week she isn't fun to be with - often quite angry - coming out with - why do you put me through this? etc
then once ive talked her through an orgasm discussing it she seems ok with it but wont arrange another session as "its too soon"
usually a month or 6 weeks later she is happy to arrange another visit and I even get her to text him on my phone while we are having sex.

she sometimes gets real anxious the week leading up to it but its always alright on the night.

sometimes in the hotel afterwards she is sex mad which for her is a miracle.

normally she is just her usual bored of sex after half an hour - lets watch tv

rinse and repeat

ive tried getting her to see another better looking guy in the hope if she fancies him she will be more eager but she wont entertain the thought.]
once we met a good looking younger guy in a hotel but she had to get that tipsy and drank too much during and after and was ill and she says never again

so im at a loss how to progress with this

if I didn't push her she wouldn't play at all
she would never bring it up

same with our sex life
she can live without it
recently went 2 months without sex and she wasn't affected at all

weve tried orgasm denaiol getting her right to the brink and then stopping her for a week just before a visit and it went real well
tried it again but she just got irritable and fed up

anyone else been in this position who can offer advice?

the fact she plays makes her appear much sexier to me and helps me enjoy sex more

weve tried a 4 hands massage with her regular guy and another another guy but he was useless
we tried a 4 hands recently with her regular guy and a young lady who licked her as my wife was coming but wife says it all felt a bit weird and she doesn't want to do that again and has since entertained her regular guy on his own in our hotel room, I left once they got started and they had a good session

so is there anything I can do?
 
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so is there anything I can do?
Be satisfied with what she does already, which seems to be quite a lot? It's her sex life you're talking about, surely she's doing what she wants already?

Or, here's a novel idea - talk to her. Maybe that's what's missing here,
communication.
 
As a neural looking in from the outside, it just seems like you're trying to push too hard almost force her beyond what she's comfortable with. Be straight and talk to her and if that's all she's willing to do, then you'll have to accept it. Swinging is only fun when both parties are on the same page, it seems like you are well ahead of where she's comfortable going.
 
she says she doesn't fancy him

however after a visit she says she feels guilty and the next week she isn't fun to be with - often quite angry - coming out with - why do you put me through this? etc

if I didn't push her she wouldn't play at all
she would never bring it up

but wife says it all felt a bit weird and she doesn't want to do that again

so is there anything I can do?

Maybe stop pressuring your wife into things she clearly doesn't want to do?
 
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not the answers or advice I was looking for

please if you cant answer my question then you aren't helping
 
not the answers or advice I was looking for

please if you cant answer my question then you aren't helping
You'll notice that nobody has actually said, "hey, good idea, let's help." Doesn't that tell you something? Maybe she's perfectly happy with what she does, have you thought about that?

This is all about you (alhough it's hard to see where you actually fit into all this) - you don't seem to be considering her as a human being at all, more as some kind of fetish toy for your own whatever it is you've got going here.

Talk to her, mate, talk to her.
 
hahaha yet another part time psycho analysist

we talk all the time probably more in depth than any other mortals on this planet

31 years of happy marriage

we are soul mates, I make her laugh and giggle all the time we have great kids and grankids

I know how she ticks

she just has this need to be a nun

her ma and pa never so much as kissed each other if the kids where around


#both her sisters husbands have given up trying to get their wives to do something spontaneous

not swinging

they don't initiate sex

its almost as if its dirty

I wonder if their old man had a crafty feel the dirty old bugger?

their mom died 4 years ago but if anything they've clammed up even more

so no more budding Sigmund freuds please

just someone whose managed to get their wives as they approach the latter years to go up a gear and if they've got them to swing more even better
 
Keep pressuring her and she may just leave you. It sounds like you have a good deal going, don’t pressure her to do things she doesn’t want to do.
 
You seem more than a bit selfish, and hardly deserving of the good advice you've already gotten. For the sake of your wife though - if you want her doing something she's got issues with, how about helping remove the issue? Talk to her and see if there's something you can do to make her feel less like sex is something dirty. Or maybe more like you appreciate her for who she is and how much she's already done to please you, instead of asking for more and more. People tend to do more when their efforts are appreciated.
 
we are soul mates, I make her laugh and giggle all the time we have great kids and grankids

I know how she ticks

Yet here you are, asking for advice from strangers.

All we can go by is what you tell us, and what you're describing sounds awfully like a woman being pressured into stuff she's not happy with. You said you talk all the time - so, like ann_alter said, ask her how she feels about this stuff you want her to do and then respect her answer.

Not everybody wants to swing, and turning that into "must've been abused as a kid" isn't helpful.
 
please please please less of the off topic advice and some on topic advice please
and ann alter why do you feel obliged to be insulting?
and trigger warning we do have a fantastic thing going but I just want it a bit more often
more importantly I want her to want it a bit more often
instead of 6-7 times a year maybe 10
to do this I need to understand how to best deal with her hang ups


if you haven't got any advice re my question then move on
nothing to see

and bramblethorn why pick up on the abused as a kid? when it was clearly a joke?
I don't want to start arguing with any one and I think its a bit complacent of you all to jump to so many conclusions

if you want to imagine I have her at gunpoint then fine
if you want to imagine I am forcing her to do this against her will then fine

not everybody want to swing you say bramblethorn
do you think i'm that thick I don't know that?
well my missus wants to swing
just not as often as I want her to

her biggest dilemma at the moment is deciding whether during the next "massage session" where another guy will be present is to still let her regular guy fuck her or not like normal, as shes not sure if she wants the new guy to assume that's a green flag for him to get stuck in as well

so anyone wanting to offer their thoughts please address my question IF and only IF you have had experience with a reluctant partner who is now very into it

and of course im gonna ask strangers
I cant ask her dad or my son or my friends who know nothing of our lifestyle
 
electric blue you have jumped to so many conclusions reading in between the lines etc
not considering her as a human being? wtf!!!
how dare you cast aspersions on my attitude to my beautiful wife without knowing anything other than what you and others have assumed to be happening

the fact you are saying "you seem to be blah blah tells you yourself you are making assumptions
and wrong ones may I tell you

just stick to my question

I wanted advice like use a younger guy
a better looking guy
stop using the same guy
stop it for 6 months or so until she suggests it

etc
 
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I must add she is in the middle of the menopause
she had a breast removed due to cancer 2 years ago and is on tamoxifen to reduce her oestrogen levels which is drastically reducing what libido she had

maybe I just need a bigger gun to point at her?
 
it turns her on talking/fantasising about it while were having sex and can help her to some incredible orgasms

however after a visit she says she feels guilty and the next week she isn't fun to be with - often quite angry - coming out with - why do you put me through this? etc
then once ive talked her through an orgasm discussing it she seems ok with it but wont arrange another session as "its too soon"
usually a month or 6 weeks later she is happy to arrange another visit and I even get her to text him on my phone while we are having sex.

she sometimes gets real anxious the week leading up to it but its always alright on the night.

sometimes in the hotel afterwards she is sex mad which for her is a miracle.

normally she is just her usual bored of sex after half an hour - lets watch tv

rinse and repeat

ive tried getting her to see another better looking guy in the hope if she fancies him she will be more eager but she wont entertain the thought.]
once we met a good looking younger guy in a hotel but she had to get that tipsy and drank too much during and after and was ill and she says never again

so im at a loss how to progress with this

if I didn't push her she wouldn't play at all
she would never bring it up

same with our sex life
she can live without it
recently went 2 months without sex and she wasn't affected at all

so is there anything I can do?

I'm going to make a few guesses here.

On one hand, you're probably thinking, "Well crap, she likes sex. She gets off when having sex. She gets off with this other, too, so . . . why doesn't she want to do it more often? It's fun, isn't it?" On the other hand, you're also thinking, "Dammit, I want more, why doesn't she?" Or, "Dammit, I want more, she gets off doing on doing it, so why can't we do it more often?"

Here's what I think you might be missing: in her mind, she's already doing this "for you." She could be thinking, "Aren't I doing enough, already?" Or, "Why isn't this enough? Can't you see how hard this is for me?"

How can you get her to give more? Heck, she would probably write, "How can I get my horn-dog of a husband to want less?"

You're in a pickle, champ.
 
Notice how everyone stopped answering? Ask yourself why? Then apply the answer to your wife. This fucking isn't rocket science.
 
...
and ann alter why do you feel obliged to be insulting?

Actually, compared to what I felt like expressing, that was quite mild and polite. You are hurting your wife and instead of feeling pity or remorse, you are wondering how to inflict more on her. You are not a decent human being.
 
how dare you cast aspersions on my attitude

Pb9.gif
 
Honestly I think we need more detail on how this got started from her perspective, since she's the one whose going to be doing it. Does she like younger guys? Does she like older guys? Is there anything she's particularly insecure about?

It's true your OP did sound incredibly YOU centered, so we didn't really get into what she likes or drives her to do this, so I don't really know any advice to give.
 
Actually, compared to what I felt like expressing, that was quite mild and polite. You are hurting your wife and instead of feeling pity or remorse, you are wondering how to inflict more on her. You are not a decent human being.

Good answer. I was thinking I am glad I am not married to this guy.
 
Honestly I think we need more detail on how this got started from her perspective, since she's the one whose going to be doing it. Does she like younger guys? Does she like older guys? Is there anything she's particularly insecure about?

It's true your OP did sound incredibly YOU centered, so we didn't really get into what she likes or drives her to do this, so I don't really know any advice to give.

long time since my question and i stopped coming on here due to the uninformed replies.

but thanks JaneRamsey for replying.
she did like younger guys but she is now 58 and thinks she isnt desirable enough having put a little weight on and so wont entertain thoughts of sex with young guys. i tell her she is stunning and to me she is. she has had a single mastectomy with reconstruction and i spent a fortune getting a silicon nipple but after wearing it a few times she cant be bothered and is happy to go on the beach topless or even naked with just the one surviving titty. to be honest i hardly notice it just like her ceasarian scar.

the problem is the guilt and the shame after a meet with another guy and she gets butterflies or anxiety before a meet. but once there she blossoms and its fantastic to watch her interact with other guys. i just sit back and watch and if im lucky at the end she sends me out of the room so she can get intimate with him.
but then the next day she feels bad about it. until the guilt recedes which takes a month or two and she is happy to go on another meet.
we have found a masseur late last year and she has seen him twice and she says he has a fantastic touch and made her come 3 times with big gaps inbetween. she is normally with me disinterested after an orgasm and wants to shoot off to watch tv. but with him its a 2 hour session. she really loves it. but she has the same guilt afterwards. but not as bad because she can say to herself its just a massage. if i say shall we arrange a massage she will say no ive only just been. but if i say shall we arrange a massage for two months time she will say yeah ok.

im sure im not alone in wanting to find a magical switch to make my missus more interested in sex, both with me and with other guys. i would love to hear from both women who felt uncomfortable shame guilt etc after their first meets but got over it and how did they do that? or from husbands who said the right things to put their wives at ease.
my wife does have a problem with sex. if i try and go down on her whilst in bed before sleep or after she's woken she pushes me away. we have just got into not a rut but a mode of interacting. and i just wish i had the communacative skills to talk to her and get her to realise sex isnt something to be ashamed of. thankfully our son and daughter are in loving marriages and show their partners public displays of emotion huggs kisses kind words love you etc. my wife has never done this to me and if i go to hug her she invariably pushes me away in a temper. we all call her angry sarah (name changed). i ask her to go upstairs for a cuddle and she always says no and then i usually find a way of suggesting a tame activity and she comes upstairs and then once aroused she enjoys things immensely.
she wont go to see a counsillor but they will only point the finger at me.
she says she could spend the rest of her life without having sex ever again and she says all her workmates and friends are the same. maybe i am asking the impossible?
 
long time since my question and i stopped coming on here due to the uninformed replies.

but thanks JaneRamsey for replying.
she did like younger guys but she is now 58 and thinks she isnt desirable enough having put a little weight on and so wont entertain thoughts of sex with young guys. i tell her she is stunning and to me she is. she has had a single mastectomy with reconstruction and i spent a fortune getting a silicon nipple but after wearing it a few times she cant be bothered and is happy to go on the beach topless or even naked with just the one surviving titty. to be honest i hardly notice it just like her ceasarian scar.

the problem is the guilt and the shame after a meet with another guy and she gets butterflies or anxiety before a meet. but once there she blossoms and its fantastic to watch her interact with other guys. i just sit back and watch and if im lucky at the end she sends me out of the room so she can get intimate with him.
but then the next day she feels bad about it. until the guilt recedes which takes a month or two and she is happy to go on another meet.
we have found a masseur late last year and she has seen him twice and she says he has a fantastic touch and made her come 3 times with big gaps inbetween. she is normally with me disinterested after an orgasm and wants to shoot off to watch tv. but with him its a 2 hour session. she really loves it. but she has the same guilt afterwards. but not as bad because she can say to herself its just a massage. if i say shall we arrange a massage she will say no ive only just been. but if i say shall we arrange a massage for two months time she will say yeah ok.

im sure im not alone in wanting to find a magical switch to make my missus more interested in sex, both with me and with other guys. i would love to hear from both women who felt uncomfortable shame guilt etc after their first meets but got over it and how did they do that? or from husbands who said the right things to put their wives at ease.
my wife does have a problem with sex. if i try and go down on her whilst in bed before sleep or after she's woken she pushes me away. we have just got into not a rut but a mode of interacting. and i just wish i had the communacative skills to talk to her and get her to realise sex isnt something to be ashamed of. thankfully our son and daughter are in loving marriages and show their partners public displays of emotion huggs kisses kind words love you etc. my wife has never done this to me and if i go to hug her she invariably pushes me away in a temper. we all call her angry sarah (name changed). i ask her to go upstairs for a cuddle and she always says no and then i usually find a way of suggesting a tame activity and she comes upstairs and then once aroused she enjoys things immensely.
she wont go to see a counsillor but they will only point the finger at me.
she says she could spend the rest of her life without having sex ever again and she says all her workmates and friends are the same. maybe i am asking the impossible?

Sounds like you really should’ve listened to the comments here 3+ years ago instead of getting defensive and pissed because you weren’t getting the exact advice you were seeking. That’s not how this works, by the way.

Support your wife and love her how she is or call her “Angry Sarah” and make sure she feels like she’s not enough for you. Your call dude. Based on what you’ve said here, I’m amazed she hasn’t left you already.
 
my wife does have a problem with sex. if i try and go down on her whilst in bed before sleep or after she's woken she pushes me away. we have just got into not a rut but a mode of interacting. and i just wish i had the communacative skills to talk to her and get her to realise sex isnt something to be ashamed of. thankfully our son and daughter are in loving marriages and show their partners public displays of emotion huggs kisses kind words love you etc. my wife has never done this to me and if i go to hug her she invariably pushes me away in a temper.

This may not be what you want to hear, but:

It's unlikely that your wife is going to change in the directions you want. It's hard for people to change even when they're doing it for themselves, a change they are motivated to make. If she was like this when you married her, and you married her anyway, and she doesn't sound very keen on becoming the liberated woman you want her to be... things are probably going to keep on much as they are.

(Think about how hard it would be to change your own sexual desires to the point where they matched hers.)

That being the case, rather than keeping on trying to find the magic words to make that change happen, you may need to think about the likelihood that it never will. Your kids are grown up, and if they're all calling her "angry Sarah", presumably they'd be pretty understanding if you decided to divorce. Or you can decide there's enough there to make it worth staying, and learn to accept the things you can't change.

(Or, you can say "if this isn't going to change, I need to go," and let her decide what the marriage is worth to her.)

But there's no point hanging on if you're just going to make one another unhappy, in the hope that she's going to turn around and see things your way.
 
again why do people find the need to offer their thoughts. unless you have actual experience of swinging and the anxiety and guilt/shame it can cause then dont answer.
we have been together 35 years. i love her. she knows i do. she knows she struggles to be affectionate. she deals with people dying at her work on a daily basis and has learned to desensitize herself emotionally but unfortunately this carries over to homelife. after a meet she knows she struggles with shame and guilt and knows it is an irrational feeling but stioll struggles.


the problem is me? hahahaha. i cannot believe the nerve of people jumping to conclusions. unless you jump into someones shoes and all that.

when we met she was very romantic and just like most couples there was a honeymoon period - sex all the time but kids and life gets in the way and instead of jumping ship or having affairs like so many husbands faced with not getting any we stayed together and found a way to have a very happy marriage for all this time.

virtually everyone ive spoken to complains their wives went off sex years ago. 2 recently traded them in for younger models. she keeps me happy every day in a certain department and i suppose some would say thats fantastic i wish my missus would do that.

so please please please can people stop psycho analyzing me and basically stfu.


bottom line is i want to know the best way to cope with her guilt. i doubt i will get any proper answers on here.

she told me on sunday she is 100 percent looking forward to an upcoming meeting and being very very naughty with a guy we've met before. but she knows she will struggle with the guilt and shame afterwards. and its this that deters her from doing it again until the memory of that guilt subsides.



when shes tipsy or turned on anything goes there have been times when ive had to intervene to stop her from being gangbanged over a pool table etc.
but when she is sober and not turned on, sex is the furthest thing on her mind and she doesnt like the person she tuns into.
she is in charge in our relationship and makes all the decisions re holidays nights out, financial decisions what we eat and when we do or dont have sex. she's the boss. i dont mind that. i dont force anything on her. i couldnt even if i tried. she is the boss at her work.


i could go on with examples to shoot down all the uninformed comments ive recieved on this thread.

but i bet ive already bored the pants off anyone who could offer me proper advice.

i wonder how many of the uninformed replies have come from people who have been in a happy marriage for 35 plus years and who have been swinging or messing about for 25 of those years.

tbh i dont care.
 
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