Seeking Feedback on 1st Story

Hello all! I have been reading on Literotica for years, but I recently began to post some of my work onto the site. I am working on a small story called "I'll Do Anything, Sir" in four parts. The first two are under "NonConsent/Reluctance." The third part is still pending approval and I am currently in the editing process for the final part.

I am new to writing erotica, so I would appreciate any advice, criticisms, compliments, critiques, questions, etc.

www.literotica.com/s/ill-do-anything-sir-ch-02

www.literotica.com/s/ill-do-anything-sir

Thank you all!

"Miss Jones, I need you in my office, now," Mr. Proctor's voice barked through the intercom. His voice crackled.

Click to expand...

Did his voice bark or crackle? Pick one.

Their small office, twelve people I all, respected the man.

Click to expand...

I think you left out an "N".

I'm not going to pick out every typo, but you could use another pair of eyes on your next story to help with the little things. You do have a descriptive writing style that helped me visualize the characters and settings.

The story itself was very hot, but I thought it needed more spanking.

I didn't read all of Number 01. I don't like to wallow in the content, I wanna sense of how well its written. And its CLUTTERED with irrelevant details. Read a book by Donna Leon to see how she handles irrelevant details, she has a talent for making kitchen appliances and utensils interesting. They kinda pop into consciousness, as details do in real life. Your details jolt because theyre in the wrong place at the wrong time.

A long boring narrative with a lot of action, a very thin premiss, and no people. Does she do all this because she has to? (We all know she could sue the shit out of him in a heartbeat.) Or does she do it for those tremendous orgasms (you tell us about but don't let us see, hear, smell, touch or feel)
I have a hard time believing she goes through all of this merely because her boss tells her to. I kept trying to get turned on by the sex,but I couldn't. My mind kept saying, "Oh really?"

Much of what ails these two chapters could be fixed by writing them strictly from Michelle's point of view, which would force you to show more.

Your sentences are fine, but there's not much variation in structure. Since you primarily use short sentences, the story starts to sound a bit staccato in places.

Take a look at your paragraphs that contain dialogue, especially those that have dialogue from both Derek and Michelle. You'd do well to break that dialogue out into separate paragraphs. Same goes for when you have one character involved in the action or description, and then the other character speaks. For instance:

Derek leaned down and suck on a little nub. Michelle shrieked and jumped, almost falling. "Oh, so you like that, do you slut?" Derek asked, slowly licking the other tit.

Click to expand...

Besides changing "suck" to "sucked", you should end the paragraph after "falling." Since that action belongs to Michelle, readers will attribute the dialogue to her until they get to the end of the sentence. By breaking it out, you make the attribution clearer and the piece more readable; particularly for the Web, where short paragraphs are generally preferred.

Finally, look at what's happening paragraph by paragraph and ask if it's in the right order. At the beginning of chapter two you start with "Miss Jones, can you come to my office please?" the intercom buzzed on Michelle's desk. It would make more sense if the intercom buzzed first: The intercom buzzed on Michelle's desk. "Miss Jones, can you come to my office please?"
Later, there's this: "And what's this? Enjoying your job, are you?" His fingertip dipped into Michelle's pussy, rubbing against her clit. She could feel how wet she had become. She blushed. The finger dipping should prompt the quote instead of acting as an explanation for it.

P.S. Look at the sentence with Cindy in chapter two, and get rid of the interaction with Michael in chapter one, unless he plays a more important role in later chapters.

Thank you all so much for your help! I've learned so much in just a few short posts. I appreciate the time and effort you all have taken in reading and critiquing my story.

It was pretty good. I don't normally read in NC, but I glanced at the comments and they suggested it wasn't "true" non con.

I agree that you need to get someone to give it a once over, a lot of typos and dropped letters.

But the story was good, I liked the way you built up her emotions, good job with that.

Definitely 50 Shades like...including the typos

Now what I find interesting is a couple of comments complaining she ended up enjoying it and too quickly.

Why I find that interesting is that is what is 'supposed' to be on this site. The rules are that the 'victim' should enjoy it at some point and that is what you did.

The fact it is being complained about shows what a joke the rule is and how many stories here break it to the point when its followed its seen as a negative by a faction of that readership.

But to their point...I think her 360 did come about a little too quickly. Now whether or not you did that to take your foot off the gas right away and not drag out the non consent, or maybe you're not sure how to get there more subtly. If its the latter that will come to you with more practice.

If the former, personally I like the stories that throttle back sooner rather than later because the longer the non consent goes, the more I feel the author is really looking to write something sadistic. So for my personal taste this worked better for me.

Good job on a good reluctance story and not sinking to the level of rape some in that category want every story to be.