Another "First Story"

I've written a few erotic stories in the past, but only for private viewing. This was my first attempt at writing something for strangers to read. As it was my first, it's not very long, and there's not a lot of character development, but for the type of story, I didn't feel that was needed.

It concerns an out-of-town businessman, who meets a hooker in his hotel bar. The course of events that follow, are pretty much what one would expect, with a slight twist, in about the last third.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-memorable-night-in-denver

It's a nice story. Not erotic, but enjoyable. The biggest ding I'd offer is that it would have been nice to have more of a description of her - what's hair color, body shape, what's she wearing, etc.

8letters said:

It's a nice story. Not erotic, but enjoyable. The biggest ding I'd offer is that it would have been nice to have more of a description of her - what's hair color, body shape, what's she wearing, etc.

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First, thanks for your kind words. Second, thanks for your critique as well! In retrospect, I agree with you totally. I should've included a description of her. I certainly had a distinct mental image, but I neglected to pass that along to the reader. I'll certainly keep that in mind in the future!

As to it not being erotic, I suppose I'm forced to agree with that as well. Eroticism, has more to do with what's going on between a person's ears, than between their legs. My story, basically described a sexual experience, and didn't delve too much into what was happening in their heads.

mikeinnh said:

As to it not being erotic, I suppose I'm forced to agree with that as well. Eroticism, has more to do with what's going on between a person's ears, than between their legs. My story, basically described a sexual experience, and didn't delve too much into what was happening in their heads.

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The problem wasn't so much as your writing skills as it was the structure of the story. A story is erotic to me when I want the two people to have sex; otherwise it's tab A going into slot B. There wasn't any chemistry between the couple when they started sex. The chemistry built as they had sex and afterward, but that was too late for me to find the sex scene erotic. But I did feel the wistfulness of the guy at the end of the story.

Aside from the advice that others gave, maybe just a bit heavy on comma use. I used to do the same, thing, separating everything, where I might, pause.

I pasted into Grammarly to be sure I wasn't just going crazy and it confirmed a lot of the same. Would highly recommend using it as part of your editing process. Otherwise, I enjoyed it.

fjpfantasy said:

Aside from the advice that others gave, maybe just a bit heavy on comma use. I used to do the same, thing, separating everything, where I might, pause.

I pasted into Grammarly to be sure I wasn't just going crazy and it confirmed a lot of the same. Would highly recommend using it as part of your editing process. Otherwise, I enjoyed it.

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This is great advice. Grammarly is helping me to stop typing like Christopher Walken speaks.

Overall, I think it works pretty well as a very short "encounter" story, of which there are many on this site, but I can think of two things off the bat that would make it better:

1. More set up about the woman and her personality. Something about her looks would be good, as 8letters suggests, but I also want some more hint of her as a person. Some foreshadowing or suggestion that she's not a professional. Maybe some reluctance or hesitation or nervousness. The setup is what makes the sex fun -- and erotic -- in an erotic story. So something more is needed.

2. Punctuation is a big distraction for me, if not for everyone. There are a lot of punctuation issues throughout the story: way too many exclamation marks, and incorrect use of commas and semicolons. So I recommend working on that. Also, be more cautious about using sentence fragments. You have two in your first paragraph.

Also, in the first paragraph, which establishes that you are remembering something from the past, you call the woman a "hooker," but that's not true, and at the time you are remembering things you know she's not a hooker. So you should either leave out this kind of intro or just refer to her as a woman and let the reader come to think, erroneously, that she's a hooker by your description of her as the story progresses.