Brand new author, would like (gentle) constructive criticism.

VanessaNelson said:

Thank you so much for your constructive and gentle criticism! As I said, this being my first literotica post, I definitely appreciate input that I can use to change specific things and apply in the future!

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Sure, anytime.

In spite of the ball busting that goes on here, you can get good feedback here and learn some things you can use to build on.

My first two stories are so bad I've thought of editing them, but....it sort of shows me where I have improved.

And my new stories....they tell me I still need to improve

sr71plt said:

Nope this isn't you giving substance to your "critique" either. Enjoying watching JBJ squirm on the hook.

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Troll boy you flatter yourself.

If you mean that once again I've managed to let you show how empty your "expertise" on writing is, then, well, sure, I'm quite pleased with that.

Well this is an endless circle.....

which one will say "I know you are, but what am I?" First?

Mutual trolling.....no one ever wins.

sr71plt said:

If you mean that once again I've managed to let you show how empty your "expertise" on writing is, then, well, sure, I'm quite pleased with that.

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I think the only evidence required to be fairly honest is his submissions page, a very large portion of stories that either have no votes. Or just blocked the voting system altogether. And the rest barely graze the knee above 3 stars, that's quite a feat considering how long he's been an active member. And the quantity of content he has posted.

Not that I'm judging other writers here. But you'd expect at least, statistically, to have at least a handful of popular pieces. Every long term writer does seem to achieve this. Sadly not here.

Could it be anything to do with his behaviour? I do so wonder.

LastLostIdols said:

I think the only evidence required to be fairly honest is his submissions page, a very large portion of stories that either have no votes. Or just blocked the voting system altogether. And the rest barely graze the knee above 3 stars, that's quite a feat considering how long he's been an active member. And the quantity of content he has posted.

Not that I'm judging other writers here. But you'd expect at least, statistically, to have at least a handful of popular pieces. Every long term writer does seem to achieve this. Sadly not here.

Could it be anything to do with his behaviour? I do so wonder.

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JB writes to the beat of his own drummer. I give him credit for sticking with his style.

But more credit goes to SamuelX over 2000, yes, 2000! Stories and not one red h> Hell he has stories, and many, in the ones. That's someone who just doesn't give a fuck.

I can appreciate that in a person.

lovecraft68 said:

Well this is an endless circle.....

which one will say "I know you are, but what am I?" First?

Mutual trolling.....no one ever wins.

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And you know all about instigating endless cycles of harassment, don't you?

This serves a purpose with JBJ, though. Each time he ignores responding to the challenge on substance by posting an inanity makes his behavior and posting pattern that much more apparent to others.

sr71plt said:

And you know all about instigating endless cycles of harassment, don't you?

This serves a purpose with JBJ, though. Each time he ignores responding to the challenge on substance by posting an inanity makes his behavior and posting pattern that much more apparent to others.

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I know about as much as you know.....takes two for any argument.

But my serious question to you is when JBJ posts something that is just so.....trollish, you know, not even a point to it other than to be a dink, why do you respond?

Because you're right his pattern is apparent. he makes lame insulting comments to get people to respond and they do. You keep responding in this thread even though he is giving you nothing really to respond too.

You're chasing his tail. You can get mad at me for saying it, but I think it can be seen pretty easily here.

lovecraft68 said:

But my serious question to you is when JBJ posts something that is just so.....trollish, you know, not even a point to it other than to be a dink, why do you respond?

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I don't respond usually--just like I don't usually respond to your sick, obsessive attacks on me. This thread was a case of a poster obviously not knowing his pattern yet.

And you are posting just to get in another of your sick, obsessive attacks on me, so pot/kettle.

(And you won't just stop, will you? Because . . . you're a sick fuck that way.)

sr71plt said:

I don't respond usually--just like I don't usually respond to your sick, obsessive attacks on me. This thread was a case of a poster obviously not knowing his pattern yet.

And you are posting just to get in another of your sick, obsessive attacks on me, so pot/kettle.

(And you won't just stop, will you? Because . . . you're a sick fuck that way.)

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^^^^^^talks and talks and talks till he thinks of something to say.

^^^^specializes in one-liner jabs without any substance behind them. (Just like his "critiques." There's no "there" there.)

Impressive for your first. You have thoughts, feelings, senses and all that.

- there is a lot you could trim to tighten up the story. Don't worry about doing this yourself, ask for a volunteer editor on this board to help you.

- cull the adverbs please. Go through your writing and try to replace as many as you can with rich descriptions. This may take a lot of thinking from you but it will elevate your writing, I know you are capable of more.

sr71plt said:

^^^^specializes in one-liner jabs without any substance behind them. (Just like his "critiques." There's no "there" there.)

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Pot, meet Kettle.

A suggestion which is especially relevant in this forum for struggling beginners: "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all."

Calling out bad--or, in this case, unexplained--advice IS doing something nice to the one asking for help.

It's really weird how this forum seems to come out in protection of those giving bad advice based on no training at all more than being protective of those seeking help.

And, guess what, advising someone to find a volunteer editor on this Web site has a 78 percent chance of getting them someone who knows no more about writing than they do. The volunteer editor program here comes with no vetting--and mostly with folks with no expertise at all, just the desire to feel superior over someone else (and, guess what again, this in itself is being nice to--and supportive--of the one asking for help. They would do better in checking out who is writing in their genre(s) here and seems to be writing really well--and asking them directly for a reading and advice).

PS. I just checked your story file, LitmLove, and I must say, on the basis of your one story posted to Literotica, I wouldn't be expecting you to be giving out writing or style advice (speaking of pot and kettle). For starters, most numbers are written out. Your first paragraph reads like a math problem . . . and compound sentences of independent clauses use a comma (ones with an independent clause and a dependent clause don't). And I'd worry more about short, choppy, awkward sentences than adverbs. I would have thought that the comments on the technical problems in your one posted story would be enough to tell you not to be giving writing advice to others on the forum. Apparently not.

sr71plt said:

Calling out bad--or, in this case, unexplained--advice IS doing something nice to the one asking for help.

It's really weird how this forum seems to come out in protection of those giving bad advice based on no training at all more than being protective of those seeking help.

And, guess what, advising someone to find a volunteer editor on this Web site has a 78 percent chance of getting them someone who knows no more about writing than they do. The volunteer editor program here comes with no vetting--and mostly with folks with no expertise at all, just the desire to feel superior over someone else (and, guess what again, this in itself is being nice to--and supportive--of the one asking for help. They would do better in checking out who is writing in their genre(s) here and seems to be writing really well--and asking them directly for a reading and advice).

PS. I just checked your story file, LitmLove, and I must say, on the basis of your one story posted to Literotica, I wouldn't be expecting you to be giving out writing or style advice (speaking of pot and kettle).

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Ohh, ad hominem attacks against me too. I expected no less from a resident troll and you delivered. Bravo!

I am proud/not-proud of my first attempt at writing. I wrote it a long time ago and published it for myself knowing it is flawed. It isn't great but that isn't the point. I tried to write and it made me better. Unfortunately for you I am no longer a struggling writer you can beat-on for self-esteem.

Unlike you I am reaching out to these authors to discus their writing [which they are asking for]. And supposing I were a newbie, well, so what? Please enlighten us to the harm caused by telling VanessaNelson should use an editor and dial-back the use of adverbs. *(my only fear is VanessaNelson gets spiteful editor - any literate person to pickout minor errors would be welcome) Show us how we are misguided Oh Wise One. No, you have nothing but negativity. You are a distraction. You do not belong here.

Ignore pilot and his blathering and sideways slams, litmlove.

He is our resident poster child for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and has a tendency (as you just found out) to turn into an ass anytime someone dare question him or point out his habit of using as much arrogance as possible in speaking to other people.

And don't worry about his nitpicking critique. With 55,000+ views and a 4.59 rating it seems as if your maiden voyage story was very well received. Good luck with your future writings.

litmlove said:

Unlike you I am reaching out to these authors to discus their writing [which they are asking for]. And supposing I were a newbie, well, so what? Please enlighten us to the harm caused by telling VanessaNelson should use an editor and dial-back the use of adverbs. Show us how we are wrong and misguided Oh Wise One. No, you have nothing but negativity. You are a distraction. You do not belong here.

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You've been here since what? April? And you've posted one story (which got slammed on technicals--which hasn't stopped you from thinking you can give other writers advice here). And suddenly you know who does what here and gives what writing advice with what expertise? And you feel expert enough to give writing advice to others?

Arrogant much? Lord, save unsuspecting writers here from the likes of you.

I've been giving writing advice here for years and I'm a professional book editor, vetted as such with the editors' forum moderators. How about you?

Would you like me to do a full edit of your story and show you what you do and don't know about writing?

sr71plt said:

You've been here since what? April? And you've posted one story (which got slammed on technicals--which hasn't stopped you from thinking you can give other writers advice here). And suddenly you know who does what here and gives what writing advice with what expertise? And you feel expert enough to give writing advice to others?

Arrogant much? Lord, save unsuspecting writers here from the likes of you.

I've been giving writing advice here for years and I'm a professional book editor, vetted as such with the editors' forum moderators. How about you?

Would you like me to do a full edit of your story and show you what you do and don't know about writing?

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Sigh. Please stop your wild speculation. I told you I know my first story is flawed. Thanks for your offer but no thanks. You are funny chap - your abuse is delicious irony

FWIW This is a story feedback forum and you are welcome to discuss VanessaNelson's story

sr71plt said:

You've been here since what? April? And you've posted one story (which got slammed on technicals--which hasn't stopped you from thinking you can give other writers advice here). And suddenly you know who does what here and gives what writing advice with what expertise? And you feel expert enough to give writing advice to others?

Arrogant much? Lord, save unsuspecting writers here from the likes of you.

I've been giving writing advice here for years and I'm a professional book editor, vetted as such with the editors' forum moderators. How about you?

Would you like me to do a full edit of your story and show you what you do and don't know about writing?

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You have the audacity to call someone else arrogant after this load of back patting bullshit?

You might be able to write, but apparently you can't fucking read you self centered tool.

And by the way, at least JBJ posted something about the damn story. Have you? Hell no, you just run around pissing everyone off like a smelly egg fart, claiming to do it for the newer members. "Oh I'm helping out the people that don't know JBJs habits," and blah blah blah.

Nope, you do it because you're a little shithead that needs to be the center of attention.

As far as the story goes, I just read it, and while it isn't perfect, its still a great story. You have a few sentences that I'd rewrite, and I'm sure if you wait a week and read it again, you'll notice them.

I gave you a five

Just entered this thread and the smell of troll crap almost drove me away.

Anyhow, responding to the OP:

I didn't feel that you're story had a report-like feeling while reading the first para as someone (*cough*) claimed. Everyone may have their personal opinions regarding what a "report" looks like and I have mine. That said, I liked how you began your story.

Your grammar needs working. Someone may have pointed it out already, but I'll say it again. It reads weird in some places and paves the way for a clunky read. A good editor can help to whip your story into shape. You can find one easily from the Editor's Forum, if you wish to.

Take a sample from your story:

"I also know my body, and anything that he has done to me that hurt, almost immediately turned to pleasure. I've never really let someone continue to do something after it has hurt, but I'm learning a lot about myself since I started messing around with this guy, I'm letting go of a lot of preconceived notions and it's exhilarating and extremely rewarding."


If I were you, I'd do it like this:

"I know my body. Anything he has done that hurts me, almost immediately turned to pleasure. I've never let someone continue doing something if it hurts, but I'm learning a lot about myself since I started messing around with him. I'm letting go of a lot of preconceived notions. It's exhilarating and extremely rewarding."

Note the use of full-stop, comma, "and", a few words that I've replaced and the grammar. I may be wrong in some places, but I hope you get my point. Try not to cram too many thoughts into one single sentence. Short sentences are good too.

I like the overall description of the act of fisting. Fetish is a preferential category, with different people having affinity/aversions to various kinds of things. After reading your story, Fisting sure sounds like a good thing to try next time and that's the best thing you could achieve while writing a story of this type.

Using Brackets within a story is distracting, at best. Something that just pulls me out of the story. Try not using it, although that would be my personal opinion.

Overall, I would say that it's a good read. I enjoyed reading this story for what it was and what you were trying to convey.

Regards,

Bard

litmlove said:

Pot, meet Kettle.

A suggestion which is especially relevant in this forum for struggling beginners: "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all."

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JBJ's first post on this thread was to call the OP's story a "report," and provide no supporting arguments. His next post was to pretty much insult the OP, saying that "if she wanted to be a lame also-ran" author here, that was okay with him. None of that, and nothing after, offered any kind of story critique. Sometimes he does offer critiques or insights, but not this time.

Pilot may not have read the story (I don't know), but he did not insult the author, and he was just warning a newbie -- and he wasn't the only one or first one to do so -- that JBJ's posts are not always helpful and are sometimes hurtful.

A lot of us have helped out, or tried to, and that's good. That's what the forum should be for. But helping can come in different ways, and helping someone learn to navigate the forum and the personalities on it is also helpful.

PennLady said:

JBJ's first post on this thread was to call the OP's story a "report," and provide no supporting arguments. His next post was to pretty much insult the OP, saying that "if she wanted to be a lame also-ran" author here, that was okay with him. None of that, and nothing after, offered any kind of story critique. Sometimes he does offer critiques or insights, but not this time.

Pilot may not have read the story (I don't know), but he did not insult the author, and he was just warning a newbie -- and he wasn't the only one or first one to do so -- that JBJ's posts are not always helpful and are sometimes hurtful.

A lot of us have helped out, or tried to, and that's good. That's what the forum should be for. But helping can come in different ways, and helping someone learn to navigate the forum and the personalities on it is also helpful.

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OFTTIMES noobs need billboards with simple advisories. BRIDGE OUT AHEAD. If you and PILOT wanna go the IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT route with excursions all along the way, cool. Last I checked no one died and left you Supreme Commander of the Universe to decide what works and what doesnt. If noobs wanna post diaries that's cool too. Bottom line? Don't solicit opinions if youre too delicate and tender. Or be honest and solicit flattery.

Thank you!

litmlove said:

Impressive for your first. You have thoughts, feelings, senses and all that.

- there is a lot you could trim to tighten up the story. Don't worry about doing this yourself, ask for a volunteer editor on this board to help you.

- cull the adverbs please. Go through your writing and try to replace as many as you can with rich descriptions. This may take a lot of thinking from you but it will elevate your writing, I know you are capable of more.

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Thank you so much for reading and providing constructive and gentle criticism! I really appreciate it, I will definitely go back and edit this story, if not here on lit, at least my personal version.
Thanks again!