Need an editor's help to fix my short mother-son story

Hi Guys

I've written a short mother-son incestuous story. Just finished checking it for grammatical errors (on MS word) and it looks fine.

I need help to change the words I have used to suit the scene or to tweak the story here and there as suitable to adjust to the pace. I feel I need an expert writer's advice on this.

Guys, please let me know if you would like to help me out. Pasting last few paragraphs here, hoping it catches your interest.

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"See ya in the evening" she blew a kiss, I couldn't really study all day. I just wanted to see my mom back, though I was supposed not to touch her anytime soon, I was excited even to see her fully clothed.

I was looking out the window, waiting for her car to return, after hours when I finally heard her car, I almost ran to her, I was at her car window with a happy smile when she was about to open the door. Mom was surprised to see me. I kissed on her lips and she reciprocated.

"Honey, what are you doing here?" she smiled, I took her bag as we walked inside the house. Mom slipped the new condom packets into my pocket and whispered, "Now go to your room and study" and slapped on my bottom. She affectionately watched me climb upstairs, she shook her head in disbelief how addicted her son had become to her pussy. She promised herself she would give him herself completely the coming Sunday.
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How old again is this son? Certainly doesn't sound at least eighteen.

Here's a bit of help. The beginning should be. "See ya in the evening," she said, as she blew me a kiss and left the house.

sr71plt said:

How old again is this son? Certainly doesn't sound at least eighteen.

Here's a bit of help. The beginning should be. "See ya in the evening," she said, as she blew me a kiss and left the house.

Click to expand...

I see your point on age.

But he could be studying for college.

Yes I know his thoughts are too immature which should ring the bell, but it doesn't.

The "screening" process is barely a skim and as long as an author does not say "I was 15" or something equally blatant the story is going to pass.

I've come to the conclusion underage is simply more CYA than anything else. A token effort that catches only the obvious. Same for the rape rule and even beastie.

There's an author in the all time top 20 that has made a living here on characters that have budding breasts and speak as if they were 12, but no age is mentioned anywhere.

Yes, he's in college, all characters are above 18.

sr71plt, I see your point. Certainly my whole story needs help fixing. Guys please PM me if you are willing to help.

Thanks

cliteroticized said:

Hi Guys

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"See ya in the evening" she blew a kiss, I couldn't really study all day. I just wanted to see my mom back, though I was supposed not to touch her anytime soon, I was excited even to see her fully clothed.

I was looking out the window, waiting for her car to return, after hours when I finally heard her car, I almost ran to her, I was at her car window with a happy smile when she was about to open the door. Mom was surprised to see me. I kissed on her lips and she reciprocated.

"Honey, what are you doing here?" she smiled, I took her bag as we walked inside the house. Mom slipped the new condom packets into my pocket and whispered, "Now go to your room and study" and slapped on my bottom. She affectionately watched me climb upstairs, she shook her head in disbelief how addicted her son had become to her pussy. She promised herself she would give him herself completely the coming Sunday.
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Click to expand...

Hi, I'm not volunteering to edit (mother-son incest is one of my limits) but one of the things that immediately popped out at me was the jarring shift in perspective. The entire section was written in first-person, but the last two sentences are in third-person. Not only that, the son magically has insight into something he couldn't possible know: that is, her mom's thoughts, and that she smiles as his back is turned. That error would totally take me out of story, as it's now clear it's not the son's voice but the author's. The son loses the illusion of being a real, grounded person.

The advantage of the 3rd person perspective is that you can make little asides like that without spoiling the illusion. The advantage of the 1st person perspective is that you can use the character's own voice to narrate the action. You can have one but you can't have both.

AnotherWannabe said:

The advantage of the 3rd person perspective is that you can make little asides like that without spoiling the illusion. The advantage of the 1st person perspective is that you can use the character's own voice to narrate the action. You can have one but you can't have both.

Click to expand...

Actually, there IS a way, but it's rather clumsy. An Hypoxiated edit might look like this:

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. All sexual encounters are between adults over age 18. This is just a STORY and does not necessarily reflect the views of the author. Your thoughtful comments are welcome.

-- FREDDIE --

"See ya in the evening!" Mom said, blew a kiss. I could not really study all day. I just wanted to see my mom come back. Although I was supposed not to touch her anytime soon, I was excited to see her, even fully clothed.

I was looking out the window, waiting for her car to return, for many hours. I almost ran to her when I finally heard her drive up. I was at her car window with a happy smile as she started to open the door. Mom seemed surprised to see me. I kissed on her lips; she reciprocated.

"Honey, what are you doing here?" she smiled. My only reply was a big grin. I took her bag and walked her to the house, and inside. Mom slipped a batch of fresh condom packets into my pocket and whispered, "Now go to your room and study," and slapped my butt.

-- FIONA --

I affectionately watched my hunk of a son climb upstairs. I shook my head in disbelief. "He is just totally addicted to my pussy," I thought, and silently promised I would give myself to him completely the coming Sunday.

Yada yada yada and we fucked like weasels yada yada.

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