Questioning- Please advise

Hi, my name isn't important, but I'm beginning to go crazy. The problem is simple: I have no idea how to feel. I am new to all this shit. No BDSM experience. No sexual experience. I'm a fucking "good girl". I'd better get down to the nitty-gritty before I get too many tl;dnr comments.
Despite my lack of experience I feel like a Domme. But, that's BS. That doesn't matter. The part that worries me... is I don't feel like a sexual sadist. Sometimes, I don't feel like sex has anything to do with the way I feel. And my real descriptor may just be... sadist.
My evidence? Not much really. As I said, no sexual experience and definitely nothing BDSM related. Let's see... when I see something attractive, something PAINFUL, my heart rate increases. But, it isn't the same as regular attraction. It's deeper. Hungry. Y'know. Most of you probably feel the same. It doesn't feel sexual, and it's not always triggered by sexual situations.
...Is that just the way it is? Am I not alone? This isn't really the sort of thing you can talk about freely.

Well, it's something you can talk about freely here. You're not alone. If it's something you're into I don't see any problem with exploring further as long as all parties involved consent.

First off, not all dominants are sadists, I know I certainly don't fall into that category. Secondly, when you see the painful thing, do you get the urge to do that to someone or have someone do it to you? There is the possibility that you are a masochist.

Just because you haven't had sex yet doesn't mean that you can't realize these things about yourself.

Is what the way it is though?;
Are you a Hollywood crime drama sociopath or a normal person with unconventional interests?
Will those feelings ever go away or are they there forever?
Is there something wrong with you?
There's not much anybody but you can do about your own existential crises but I'd say there's probably nothing to worry about.

You say that you think the way you feel doesn't have a sexual component or occur in the context of something sexual, but simultaneously recognize that those feelings occur in tandem with you being attracted to something?
Maybe you need to broaden your definition of a 'sexual situation'?

There are dom-orientated people who want nothing to do with inflicting pain and there are others who turn into unempathetic torturers who would put Hannibal Lecter to shame when they're in their element. However extreme you think your ideas are, you're definitely not alone in them and nobody here is going to look at you judgementally.

Enjoy your stay!

~ ~ Edit ~ ~
I read that through and it sounds a little harsh, it's not meant to be.
*Points to profile title*

I think what Blue said is pretty similar to my feelings on the subject, but I'd like to throw a few things into the discussion as well, being a sadist myself.

The way I see it, as long as it's consentual, and everyone is being safe and smart about it, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with a little bit of ouch here and there. Or a high pitched yelp of pain or two.

As for it not feeling sexual, maybe it doesn't feel sexual in an obvious way. It doesn't for me sometimes. For me, the appeal is that it's a thrill for me and for my partner - and her enjoyment is the biggest part of it for me. I couldn't get off on hurting someone who wasn't into it. For some people, pleasure and pain aren't opposites. They're two sides of the same coin.

Denny

First off you have a long way to go before you get close to the end. You are not seeing the lite you only see the sun, the stars, and lite bulbs.
You must live and die to see THE lite. With luck you will not remain within the lite and life will begin to make sense.
You are not a fucking "good girl" or you wouldn't have joined a fucking adult porn site and ran straight to BDSM. You may be crazy but we all are to a point. Follow your feelings and your dreams. Without any experience you'll never know who or what you are.

By the way, WELCOME to Lit and insanity.

Everyone's Feedback

No, you're right, Blue. Definitely not a "Hollywood sociopath". You think I mind you being harsh? Pshh. Honey, compared to the stuff I say to myself everyday, that's nothing. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want honest advice and candid opinions. (Plus, I love the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya!)
My definition of sexual situation extends to blood and pain. The problem is there's this voice inside of me that... correlates that to torture and murder? Jeez. Really not the sort of thing you want to say on a BDSM site.

Saphire_Orchid. Smart and safe, those are the key words, aren't they? Stay sharp and don't lose yourself. Safety first!
Thanks. I'm a n00b, so just telling me the basics helps.

Vail_Indigo So, even if something isn't explicitly sexual... it can still be overtly sexual? I can understand that (well, tentatively). Even if I see something in a non-sexual context it can trigger something sexual or overtly sexual. Similar feeling, but I don't want to fuck it. That actually... does feel familiar.

Sometimes I just freak out and need to be heard. Haha! What a loser! I go off on a tangent, completely rationalize how much of a freak I am, and then do a 360 in only 24 measly hours. It wobbles, sometimes for long periods, and I'm always scared. Maybe one day I'll fully accept it.

Last thing... this is my own hangup, not really BDSM related, but I'm obsessed with the idea of killing something. Terrified by that thing being human- and I would never ever, ever, ever, ever do that...
Like I said, I'm a n00b. Is there some sort of... thing for killing small animals? It seems like some fucking ritual, like a cult leader, like a (shit) "Hollywood sociopath". But, they're animals! I eat them everyday!

Edit: Oh, wow. I just read the latest post by the OP. I think that professional help may be warranted in this case.

I'm going to try and find a silver lining in this by suggesting that you might have a hyper-repressed fetish for pet play...?

Blue said:

I'm going to try and find a silver lining in this by suggesting that you might have a hyper-repressed fetish for pet play...?

Click to expand...

Not sure I would want to be the pet in question.

Blood and pain. I've seen cutting scenes, cupping with blood play, but it was carefully orchestrated and had lots of communication and after care. My sense was these scenes were more about pushing limits, finding connection in the extreme rather than finding satisfaction in torture or simulating killing something.

For sure, BDSM doesn't have to be about sex. If you find some satisfaction from sadism, find yourself a masochist. Preferably an experienced one.

That being said, you mention you have no sexual experience at all. To go from not even getting to first base yet to fantasizing about killing small animals is quite a leap.

What dfo you want to do about this??

Thanks everyone.

I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to do. Damn it... I'm really, really sorry. I did say it wasn't BDSM. I just thought someone might have similar experiences. I haven't done anything yet. Fantasizing isn't the same as doing, and I'm sorry if that was the misconception.

But, yeah, I'm kinda serious. Maybe some part of my true feelings gets lost in the writing. They say crazy people don't realize they're crazy... so I guess I'm insane.

Anyway, thanks for telling me. I won't mention this in the group again. Plus, just so you know, there's two sides. I'm fascinated with actual BDSM too, including softer stuff like roleplay and bondage. I'd really like to know more, so I don't want to quit the group just yet.

Thanks you all for being honest and helping me out!

No one said you have to clam up. Or leave. It's easier, sometimes, to discuss stuff with strangers on the internet because of the anonymity. So feel free to explore your feelings, if you want to. Just gear up to expect replies you might not expect.

Holy cats!! I was just on Tumblr and this gruesome picture came across. I clicked around, as you do on Tumblr, and let's just say you are not alone in your feelings. Maybe that's an avenue too check out for finding folks who have similar thoughts.

You may have those feelings. Its what you do with them that counts.

They are feelings.

You do not have to give them power over you.

Feelings can be channeled. It is a choice. Your choice.

The fact that you try to speak about it says much about you. You want to understand. Good on you.

If you are really really concerned, seek a competent professional to speak with about these things. Allow this person to help you discover who you are and the kind of person you want to be.

It is a journey we all are doing to some degree or another. Some of us are just more conscious about it.

seethelightattheend said:

I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to do. Damn it... I'm really, really sorry. I did say it wasn't BDSM. I just thought someone might have similar experiences. I haven't done anything yet. Fantasizing isn't the same as doing, and I'm sorry if that was the misconception.

Click to expand...

A lot of my fantasies would earn me jail time.

"I want to kill that puppy." sounds just worse to people than "I want to rape and strangle that feminist career bitch." The very moment you call it "varmint hunting", it's even accepted by society (varying by State).

My private message inbox is open in case you want to talk about your situation.

Thanks for sharing this OP. It's very interesting what young virgins fantasise about. I am very inexperienced too so I have no advice but I do appreciate your post xx

seethelightattheend said:

No, you're right, Blue. Definitely not a "Hollywood sociopath". You think I mind you being harsh? Pshh. Honey, compared to the stuff I say to myself everyday, that's nothing. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want honest advice and candid opinions. (Plus, I love the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya!)
My definition of sexual situation extends to blood and pain. The problem is there's this voice inside of me that... correlates that to torture and murder? Jeez. Really not the sort of thing you want to say on a BDSM site.

Saphire_Orchid. Smart and safe, those are the key words, aren't they? Stay sharp and don't lose yourself. Safety first!
Thanks. I'm a n00b, so just telling me the basics helps.

Vail_Indigo So, even if something isn't explicitly sexual... it can still be overtly sexual? I can understand that (well, tentatively). Even if I see something in a non-sexual context it can trigger something sexual or overtly sexual. Similar feeling, but I don't want to fuck it. That actually... does feel familiar.

Sometimes I just freak out and need to be heard. Haha! What a loser! I go off on a tangent, completely rationalize how much of a freak I am, and then do a 360 in only 24 measly hours. It wobbles, sometimes for long periods, and I'm always scared. Maybe one day I'll fully accept it.

Last thing... this is my own hangup, not really BDSM related, but I'm obsessed with the idea of killing something. Terrified by that thing being human- and I would never ever, ever, ever, ever do that...
Like I said, I'm a n00b. Is there some sort of... thing for killing small animals? It seems like some fucking ritual, like a cult leader, like a (shit) "Hollywood sociopath". But, they're animals! I eat them everyday!

Click to expand...

I will just be blunt and honest; Part of me thinks this is all a joke, but in case it isn't... These quotes in bold above will never lead you to a peaceful and joy filled life. Darkness is the opposite of Light...Darkness is filled with turmoil and emotional suffering. One cannot have it both ways, either he/she pursues the Light or he/she pursues the Dark.

Many have already suggested finding someone competent to help you sort this stuff out, so I will just add this other thought. A person is most assuredly influenced and shaped by what he/she dwells on and spends time with. If you have found yourself only watching and reading about horror, zombies, apocalyptic futures, etc. Then it is little surprise that these would be the things that shape your worldview and 'inner self'.

As I alluded to above, we play a very large part in who we become. Hopefully what I've said here will motivate you to think more in regard to the kind of person you desire to be. No doubt there are aspects of everyone of us that seem to be hard wired, but if those things are bringing us mental anguish then we need to do whatever to eliminate and/or subdue them. It is possible but it takes a true desire and commitment.