) 
My heart and thoughts are with you my friend. First and foremost I am so sorry for your loss. Having lost someone myself several years ago, the pain can be both excruciating and stifling. I remember the first several months, getting up in the mornings felt like a betrayal from the world. How did their lives go on (not to mention the sun would rise) when my world had come to a complete and utter standstill? Food lost it's taste, things no longer had color, it seemed like a surreal experience happening to someone else.
I am an avid reader, I stopped reading. I love documentaries and film, I stopped watching both. I simply stopped enjoying life. My best friend in this world was gone and I honestly went with him that day.
The friends who I thought would stand by me......well let me say it came down to three that I could depend on. The rest just scattered like the wind. People I had known and been friends with for 20 years were no longer around. I remember the only card I kept after his death came from one of the three. It simply said "I do not know how to even comprehend what you are going through or what you are feeling. I don't know what to say or what to do. But know this. I will hold your hand, I will wipe your tears and I will be the one who tries to make you laugh again if I can." It meant more to me than anything else I had received. Here was someone not trying to placate me or give me clichés about him being in a better place or "God only takes the good ones" type of spiel. (Which I guess makes the rest of us still here assholes?
Know this BabyDoll, life will get better. Just focus on breathing for now. Don't force anything else. Don't try to laugh or smile for someone else or to make them more comfortable. Don't get into social situations if you aren't ready for them. Don't be on someone else's timetable of grief or their 7 fucking stages they think you should adhere to. Take it one....day....at....a.....time. That's it. Nothing else right now. Hour by hour, block it off if you have to. If it's 10AM, then just concentrate on making it until noon, etc.
Let yourself feel everything you need to. There will be days you are numb and you won't cry. There will be days where all you do is cry. Both are acceptable, trust them. Your body and heart know what they need to start to heal.
I make a promise to you now. You will smile again. You will laugh again. The only cliché I will mention is this: you hurt as bad as you do because you loved that deeply. There will come a time when you will be so grateful for that.
If I can help you, please write to me. Do not give up. He would not want that. You did not die that day with him. You know he would want your happiness.
Sorry for your loss. My name is Wayne and I am an experienced master and Dom. If you need someone to talk with and with no strings attached feel free to send me a message
