rushman1uk
Experienced
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2016
- Posts
- 343
More Humour
- Thread starter Handley_Page
- Start date
but true!
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
- Joined
- May 19, 2018
- Posts
- 5,990
Football season is fast approaching here in the States. It reminded me of some of my favorite quotes on the subject:
"Football is not a contact sport. It's a collision sport. Dancing is an example of a contact sport." -Duffy Daugherty
"The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public." -Phyllis Diller
"Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings." -George F. Will
"Football is not a contact sport. It's a collision sport. Dancing is an example of a contact sport." -Duffy Daugherty
"The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public." -Phyllis Diller
"Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings." -George F. Will
EdEc
Mr.
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2018
- Posts
- 2,788
On "The Benny Hill Show" the same gag was pulled, with the bald old man being asked, "Can you tell me their names and addresses?" The old man replies, "No...and that's the correct answer to that question". Of course, the old man wins the prize and Benny Hill is flustered.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
Why did the blonde stand staring at a can of frozen orange juice for 2 hours?
The can said 'concentrate'!!!!
======
What’s big and red and doesn't fit down rabbit holes?
A Fire Engine!!!!
The can said 'concentrate'!!!!
======
What’s big and red and doesn't fit down rabbit holes?
A Fire Engine!!!!
TarnishedPenny
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Posts
- 6,467
Blonde jokes? Do they still do Essex Girl jokes in England?
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
One does not get them too much these days, but I'm too far north of Watford Gap to hear them
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
- Joined
- May 19, 2018
- Posts
- 5,990
In Texas, we have Aggie jokes. Basically a more politically correct version of what were Polack jokes when I was a kid.
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2002
- Posts
- 56,017
Yes, they do.
Why does an Essex girl wear a hijab?
To cover up her hair roots that show she's a fake blonde.
How do you tell that a woman wearing a hijab is an Essex girl?
By the half-empty bottle of vodka in her hand and the cigarette dangling from her lips. The white high heels are another sign.
Why does an Essex Girl wear a burka?
Because her boyfriend has run out of paper bags to cover her head.
beachbum1958
Indolent Adventurer
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2012
- Posts
- 1,014
Just for you, HP;
Why did God create Essex Girls? because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge
How do Essex Girls' brain-cells die? Alone
How do you know when an Essex Girl's had an orgasm? She drops her cheeseburger
Why wasn't Jesus born in Essex? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
How can you tell who's the Essex Girl's boyfriend? He's the one whose belt-buckle matches the dent in her forehead
How can you tell the Essex Girls at the airport? They're the ones throwing bread at the helicopters
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
Dear Mr Wibblester,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.
I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last letter as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of cr*pulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.
However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardypirate banking houses and mickant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.
In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point.
Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself.
The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in Africa" you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
HM Customs and Excise
Customer Relations
LP34 Sunderland
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.
I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last letter as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of cr*pulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.
However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardypirate banking houses and mickant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.
In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point.
Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself.
The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in Africa" you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
HM Customs and Excise
Customer Relations
LP34 Sunderland
beachbum1958
Indolent Adventurer
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2012
- Posts
- 1,014
The Dolphin Code
(The unofficial code used between Royal Navy submarines and surface ships engaged in exercises, With thanks to HP)
1. Your last surfacing procedure was:
A. First class.
B. Surprisingly good.
C. Understandably awful.
D. Indescribable.
2. I presume you got your ticket in a raffle.
3. For the last serial you could have used any fishing vessel.
4. My battery is:
A. 100%, I will simulate a Nuclear Submarine if you wish.
B. 75%, I will simulate a Nuclear Submarine for a short time if you wish.
C. 50%, I will not simulate a Nuclear Submarine, regardless of your wish.
D. 25%, I wish to simulate a Conventional Submarine, and will hot-pipe if you wish.
E. DEAD, I hot-pipe now, regardless of your wish.
5. I was unaware that medical standards had been revised. You must be blind as a bat.
6. During the last action you displayed noticeably suicidal tendencies.
7. Once again you have demonstrated a commendable ability to practise basics.
8. The last serial was so bad that we watched a double feature.
9. Your exercise instructions are simple. Simply awful.
10. I am unable to act as evasively as I wish.
11. I am unable to act as un-evasively as you wish.
12. I am surfaced (surfacing) because:
A. I must make repairs.
B. I wish to bale out water.
C. Your chances of locating me are negligible otherwise.
D. I wish to barbecue the next meal.
13. I must temporarily withdraw from the exercise because of difficulties with:
A. Technical systems which are to difficult to explain.
B. Battery/motors/generators, I no go right.
C. Sonar, I no hear right.
D. Ingress of water, I no float right.
E. Fire/smoke, I no breathe right.
F. Personnel, I no lead right.
14. Please accept my apologies for failing to make the assigned rendezvous.
My reason is as follows:
A. The navigator is a Newfoundlander.
B. I was doing something else at the time and didn't think you'd miss me.
C. I erroneously assumed that you would be where you said you would be.
D. My navigational equipment has not been updated since the Boer War.
15. If you don't ask me to raise more masts I won't ask you to fly with your wheels in the water.
16. Your last attack is assessed as follows:
A. Excellent, within 500 yards.
B. Good, within 1000 yards.
C. Marginal, 1000 to 2000 yards.
D. Poor, over 2000 yards.
E. Awful, over 3000 yards.
F. Unmeasurably distant.
17. It is difficult to believe that you and I are operating in the same ocean.
18. Your message (Date/Time/Group ________):
A. Appears to have been drafted hastily.
B. Does little to foster good relations.
C. Is a shining example of illiteracy.
D. Is not held by this unit.
E. Is held by this unit, but we wish it wasn't.
F. Requires the sort of reply I am not used to making.
G. Was a crippler.
H. B.O.H.I.C.A. (Bend over; here it comes again).
19. When we were surface sailors we also used to do silly things.
20. If you decide to graduate to advanced exercises, please hire a different submarine.
21. If you ask me to fire another smoke, I'll scream.
22. Submarines never cheat and rarely lie.
23. It's a pity that in wartime we'd be on the same side.
24. Your approach to the problem was impossible but tactically sound.
25.
A. Your helicopter frightened me.
B. Your helicopter didn't frighten me.
C. I frightened your helicopter.
D. I wasn't aware you had a helicopter airborne
26.
A. Thank you for your valuable assistance.
B. Had assistance been rendered, I would have been thankful.
C. No, thank you, I do not require assistance.
D. Please do not render assistance, I need your help like a hole in the head.
27. You have been on task for several hours.
You must be suffering terribly from crew fatigue.
28. We have been on task for several weeks.
Next week we will probably begin to suffer from crew fatigue.
29. Tracking without attacking is the commonest form of military masochism.
30. I suppose the worsening weather will mean you'll have to stop the war.
31. The adverse weather is affecting us greatly: The movie projector has tipped over twice.
32. If you're so good why aren't you in submarines?
33. Submariners do it deeper.
34. Submariners think deeper.
35. Deep down you know it makes sense.
36. Submariners are super.
37. Submariners have bigger balls.
38. Diesel boats forever.
39. Black is beautiful.
40. Breaker one nine, this is rubber duck, I think we got us a convoy.
41. Ten Four.
42. Please be gentle, this is my first time.
43. We think the water has been sufficiently en-sonified. Maybe you should try something else.
44. You have the uncanny ability to complicate a very simple exercise.
45. Intelligence is a God-given gift. Doorknobs are man-made. Mental midgets only have God's love. Is my point clear?
46. After working with you I now realise why some animals eat their young.
47. My CO and XO can out drink your CO and XO.
48. When someone is as good as me it's hard to be modest.
49. Happiness is 500 ft in force 12.
50. With friends like you, who needs enemies?
51. Don't knock a stern shot until you've fired one.
52. If you provide the fresh water, I'll provide:
A. Soap.
B. Towels.
C. 60 dirty bodies.
D. Whiskey.
E. All of the above.
53. G.O.Y.A.
54. D.B.S.F.W.
55. B.U.F.F.S.
56. P.P.P.P.P.P.
57. S.M.F.
58. With sub-killers like you around, I look forward to a long life.
59. Missed me again.
60. Can I go home now?
61. We may be small but we're slow.
62. My bite is worse than my bark.
63. I was delayed in returning to periscope depth because:
A. A large whale was holding me down.
B. I forgot to vent my depth gauge.
C. I was waiting for the last reel to finish.
D. I had to resolve my plot.
E. I wasn't sure if I knew that you knew where I was.
F. I wanted to annoy you.
64. Many thanks for:
A. Your kind hospitality.
B. The newspapers.
C. The skin books.
D. Nothing.
E. The OPORDER.
65. Excuse me sir, but I think you have confused me with someone who gives a damn.
66. My reports/reply/message/letter was (will be) late for the following reason(s):
A. Writer's cramp.
B. Typewriter unserviceable due to overheating.
C. My priority list didn't coincide with yours.
D. We didn't think you'd notice.
E. I plain forgot.
F. The XO plain forgot.
67. R.P.C. for:
A. Noon cocktails.
B. Informal operational discussion.
C. Post-exercise punch-up.
D. Light meal and refreshments.
E. Sarnies and sludge.
68. M.R.U. because:
A. I am otherwise operationally committed.
B. I am otherwise socially committed.
C. Your last such event was disastrous.
D. I am unable to maintain your pace.
E. I don t want to come.
69. W.M.P.:
A. You offer so few invitations I can't afford to pass up this one.
B. Let's do it again.
C. for a short time.
D. For as long as you'll have me.
E. With bells on.
70. Your social event was:
A. First class. Thank you.
B. Disastrous, as expected.
C. One which should never be repeated.
D. Most detrimental to health.
E. A crashing bore. Better luck next time.
71. Unbelievable. Will advise Mr. Ripley.
72.
A. Very well done.
B. Well done.
C. Well done. Sort of.
D. Not well done.
E. Badly done.
F. Very badly done.
G. Don't do it again.
73. Have lost the bubble. Will retrieve.
74. Bubble found.
75. What can I say?
76. Reason(s) is (are) as follows:
A. I goofed.
B. XO goofed.
C. Somebody goofed.
D. Inattention, for which some son-of-a-bitch will pay.
E. Temporary decline in usual high standards.
F. Another example of usual low standards.
G. I thought I could get away with it.
H. Misdirected malapropism.
I. Lapsus lingae.
77. This port is:
A. Fantastic. Better not send surface ships here.
B. Outstanding. Can we come again?
C. Reasonable.
D. Not the sort of place Submariners should visit.
E. Hostile.
F. Only good for storm avoidance.
78. Wish you were here.
79. Bet you wish you were here.
80. Glad you're not here.
================
(The unofficial code used between Royal Navy submarines and surface ships engaged in exercises, With thanks to HP)
1. Your last surfacing procedure was:
A. First class.
B. Surprisingly good.
C. Understandably awful.
D. Indescribable.
2. I presume you got your ticket in a raffle.
3. For the last serial you could have used any fishing vessel.
4. My battery is:
A. 100%, I will simulate a Nuclear Submarine if you wish.
B. 75%, I will simulate a Nuclear Submarine for a short time if you wish.
C. 50%, I will not simulate a Nuclear Submarine, regardless of your wish.
D. 25%, I wish to simulate a Conventional Submarine, and will hot-pipe if you wish.
E. DEAD, I hot-pipe now, regardless of your wish.
5. I was unaware that medical standards had been revised. You must be blind as a bat.
6. During the last action you displayed noticeably suicidal tendencies.
7. Once again you have demonstrated a commendable ability to practise basics.
8. The last serial was so bad that we watched a double feature.
9. Your exercise instructions are simple. Simply awful.
10. I am unable to act as evasively as I wish.
11. I am unable to act as un-evasively as you wish.
12. I am surfaced (surfacing) because:
A. I must make repairs.
B. I wish to bale out water.
C. Your chances of locating me are negligible otherwise.
D. I wish to barbecue the next meal.
13. I must temporarily withdraw from the exercise because of difficulties with:
A. Technical systems which are to difficult to explain.
B. Battery/motors/generators, I no go right.
C. Sonar, I no hear right.
D. Ingress of water, I no float right.
E. Fire/smoke, I no breathe right.
F. Personnel, I no lead right.
14. Please accept my apologies for failing to make the assigned rendezvous.
My reason is as follows:
A. The navigator is a Newfoundlander.
B. I was doing something else at the time and didn't think you'd miss me.
C. I erroneously assumed that you would be where you said you would be.
D. My navigational equipment has not been updated since the Boer War.
15. If you don't ask me to raise more masts I won't ask you to fly with your wheels in the water.
16. Your last attack is assessed as follows:
A. Excellent, within 500 yards.
B. Good, within 1000 yards.
C. Marginal, 1000 to 2000 yards.
D. Poor, over 2000 yards.
E. Awful, over 3000 yards.
F. Unmeasurably distant.
17. It is difficult to believe that you and I are operating in the same ocean.
18. Your message (Date/Time/Group ________):
A. Appears to have been drafted hastily.
B. Does little to foster good relations.
C. Is a shining example of illiteracy.
D. Is not held by this unit.
E. Is held by this unit, but we wish it wasn't.
F. Requires the sort of reply I am not used to making.
G. Was a crippler.
H. B.O.H.I.C.A. (Bend over; here it comes again).
19. When we were surface sailors we also used to do silly things.
20. If you decide to graduate to advanced exercises, please hire a different submarine.
21. If you ask me to fire another smoke, I'll scream.
22. Submarines never cheat and rarely lie.
23. It's a pity that in wartime we'd be on the same side.
24. Your approach to the problem was impossible but tactically sound.
25.
A. Your helicopter frightened me.
B. Your helicopter didn't frighten me.
C. I frightened your helicopter.
D. I wasn't aware you had a helicopter airborne
26.
A. Thank you for your valuable assistance.
B. Had assistance been rendered, I would have been thankful.
C. No, thank you, I do not require assistance.
D. Please do not render assistance, I need your help like a hole in the head.
27. You have been on task for several hours.
You must be suffering terribly from crew fatigue.
28. We have been on task for several weeks.
Next week we will probably begin to suffer from crew fatigue.
29. Tracking without attacking is the commonest form of military masochism.
30. I suppose the worsening weather will mean you'll have to stop the war.
31. The adverse weather is affecting us greatly: The movie projector has tipped over twice.
32. If you're so good why aren't you in submarines?
33. Submariners do it deeper.
34. Submariners think deeper.
35. Deep down you know it makes sense.
36. Submariners are super.
37. Submariners have bigger balls.
38. Diesel boats forever.
39. Black is beautiful.
40. Breaker one nine, this is rubber duck, I think we got us a convoy.
41. Ten Four.
42. Please be gentle, this is my first time.
43. We think the water has been sufficiently en-sonified. Maybe you should try something else.
44. You have the uncanny ability to complicate a very simple exercise.
45. Intelligence is a God-given gift. Doorknobs are man-made. Mental midgets only have God's love. Is my point clear?
46. After working with you I now realise why some animals eat their young.
47. My CO and XO can out drink your CO and XO.
48. When someone is as good as me it's hard to be modest.
49. Happiness is 500 ft in force 12.
50. With friends like you, who needs enemies?
51. Don't knock a stern shot until you've fired one.
52. If you provide the fresh water, I'll provide:
A. Soap.
B. Towels.
C. 60 dirty bodies.
D. Whiskey.
E. All of the above.
53. G.O.Y.A.
54. D.B.S.F.W.
55. B.U.F.F.S.
56. P.P.P.P.P.P.
57. S.M.F.
58. With sub-killers like you around, I look forward to a long life.
59. Missed me again.
60. Can I go home now?
61. We may be small but we're slow.
62. My bite is worse than my bark.
63. I was delayed in returning to periscope depth because:
A. A large whale was holding me down.
B. I forgot to vent my depth gauge.
C. I was waiting for the last reel to finish.
D. I had to resolve my plot.
E. I wasn't sure if I knew that you knew where I was.
F. I wanted to annoy you.
64. Many thanks for:
A. Your kind hospitality.
B. The newspapers.
C. The skin books.
D. Nothing.
E. The OPORDER.
65. Excuse me sir, but I think you have confused me with someone who gives a damn.
66. My reports/reply/message/letter was (will be) late for the following reason(s):
A. Writer's cramp.
B. Typewriter unserviceable due to overheating.
C. My priority list didn't coincide with yours.
D. We didn't think you'd notice.
E. I plain forgot.
F. The XO plain forgot.
67. R.P.C. for:
A. Noon cocktails.
B. Informal operational discussion.
C. Post-exercise punch-up.
D. Light meal and refreshments.
E. Sarnies and sludge.
68. M.R.U. because:
A. I am otherwise operationally committed.
B. I am otherwise socially committed.
C. Your last such event was disastrous.
D. I am unable to maintain your pace.
E. I don t want to come.
69. W.M.P.:
A. You offer so few invitations I can't afford to pass up this one.
B. Let's do it again.
C. for a short time.
D. For as long as you'll have me.
E. With bells on.
70. Your social event was:
A. First class. Thank you.
B. Disastrous, as expected.
C. One which should never be repeated.
D. Most detrimental to health.
E. A crashing bore. Better luck next time.
71. Unbelievable. Will advise Mr. Ripley.
72.
A. Very well done.
B. Well done.
C. Well done. Sort of.
D. Not well done.
E. Badly done.
F. Very badly done.
G. Don't do it again.
73. Have lost the bubble. Will retrieve.
74. Bubble found.
75. What can I say?
76. Reason(s) is (are) as follows:
A. I goofed.
B. XO goofed.
C. Somebody goofed.
D. Inattention, for which some son-of-a-bitch will pay.
E. Temporary decline in usual high standards.
F. Another example of usual low standards.
G. I thought I could get away with it.
H. Misdirected malapropism.
I. Lapsus lingae.
77. This port is:
A. Fantastic. Better not send surface ships here.
B. Outstanding. Can we come again?
C. Reasonable.
D. Not the sort of place Submariners should visit.
E. Hostile.
F. Only good for storm avoidance.
78. Wish you were here.
79. Bet you wish you were here.
80. Glad you're not here.
================
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2002
- Posts
- 56,017
More from Essex
ow do you amuse an Essex girl for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
What do Essex girls do for foreplay? Remove their underwear.
Why did the Essex girl drown? Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom of the pool.
An Essex girl is in a car accident, the paramedics arrive to find the Essex girl covered in blood, the paramedic asks "where are you bleeding from?" The Essex girl replies "Romford".
Why is an Essex girl like a doorknob? Because everybody gets a turn.
How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your fridge? By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Why do Essex girl prefer cars with sunroofs? More leg room.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane? She'd just blow dried her hair and didn't want it blown around too much.
Why do Essex girls have orgasms? So they know when to stop having sex.
Why did the Essex girl have a bruised navel? Her boyfriend's from Essex too.
What do you call a fly buzzing around an Essex girl's head? A space invader.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a phone booth? You need 10p to use the phone.
How do you know which computer an Essex girl was using? By the tippex on the screen.
Why did God create Essex girls? Because sheep can't fetch beer from the fridge.
ow do you amuse an Essex girl for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
What do Essex girls do for foreplay? Remove their underwear.
Why did the Essex girl drown? Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom of the pool.
An Essex girl is in a car accident, the paramedics arrive to find the Essex girl covered in blood, the paramedic asks "where are you bleeding from?" The Essex girl replies "Romford".
Why is an Essex girl like a doorknob? Because everybody gets a turn.
How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your fridge? By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Why do Essex girl prefer cars with sunroofs? More leg room.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane? She'd just blow dried her hair and didn't want it blown around too much.
Why do Essex girls have orgasms? So they know when to stop having sex.
Why did the Essex girl have a bruised navel? Her boyfriend's from Essex too.
What do you call a fly buzzing around an Essex girl's head? A space invader.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a phone booth? You need 10p to use the phone.
How do you know which computer an Essex girl was using? By the tippex on the screen.
Why did God create Essex girls? Because sheep can't fetch beer from the fridge.
beachbum1958
Indolent Adventurer
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2012
- Posts
- 1,014
More Essex Girls...
What do you call 3 Essex Girls with their heads together? An echo chamber
What do Essex Girls use for protection during sex? Bus shelters
Why wasn't Jesus born in Essex? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
What's the difference between Essex girls and Essex Boys? Essex Girls have a higher sperm count
What's the difference between an Essex Girl and The Titanic? They know how many men went down on the Titanic
How do you get an Essex Girl to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant
What do you call an Essex Girl with a high IQ? A Golden Retriever
How do you know an Essex Girl's had an orgasm? She drops her fries
What do Essex Girls wear behind their ears to attract boys? Their ankles
What do you call 3 Essex Girls with their heads together? An echo chamber
What do Essex Girls use for protection during sex? Bus shelters
Why wasn't Jesus born in Essex? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
What's the difference between Essex girls and Essex Boys? Essex Girls have a higher sperm count
What's the difference between an Essex Girl and The Titanic? They know how many men went down on the Titanic
How do you get an Essex Girl to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant
What do you call an Essex Girl with a high IQ? A Golden Retriever
How do you know an Essex Girl's had an orgasm? She drops her fries
What do Essex Girls wear behind their ears to attract boys? Their ankles
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly.
I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly.
ThisNameIsntTakenYet
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2016
- Posts
- 828
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: "Mind if I say a word?"
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: "Thank you, that means a lot."
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: "Thank you, that means a lot."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story)
This would have to be the best email I've ever read.... For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman in which this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat" she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze.
Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking !!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on he elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.
'My Gosh' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said,
"Hit the floor."
Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.
A shower of coins rained down on her.
'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My Gosh, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak.
She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan
This would have to be the best email I've ever read.... For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman in which this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat" she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze.
Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking !!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on he elevator.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.
'My Gosh' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said,
"Hit the floor."
Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.
A shower of coins rained down on her.
'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My Gosh, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak.
She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan
BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2011
- Posts
- 3,256
The next man in line very respectfully said, "Globe."
Wiping away a tear, the widow replied, "Thank you, that means the world to me."
Meanwhile, the NEXT man said, "Bargain."
She thanked him because that meant a great deal to her.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
To err is human, but to f@ck it completely requires a computer engineer !
TarnishedPenny
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Posts
- 6,467
It's 1918. Life in the trenches is hard. Life in the German trenches is miserable.
The sergeant shows up. "Achtung!" he shouts. "For you, I haf good news and I haf bad news.
"First the good news! You are all getting a change of undervear.
"Now ze bad news. Schmidt - change mit Mueller. Mueller - change mit Schwartz. Schwartz..."
The sergeant shows up. "Achtung!" he shouts. "For you, I haf good news and I haf bad news.
"First the good news! You are all getting a change of undervear.
"Now ze bad news. Schmidt - change mit Mueller. Mueller - change mit Schwartz. Schwartz..."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
<groan>
The President was sitting in the oval office waiting for his daily breifing, his aide comes in a says 'sir, i have terible news, last night we lost a brizian solider'
The president was shocked, stunned, how could this have happened?
He replied: ' oh my good god, that awful"
The he went on, but quietly: "Tell me, exactly how many is a brizilian?'
The President was sitting in the oval office waiting for his daily breifing, his aide comes in a says 'sir, i have terible news, last night we lost a brizian solider'
The president was shocked, stunned, how could this have happened?
He replied: ' oh my good god, that awful"
The he went on, but quietly: "Tell me, exactly how many is a brizilian?'
TarnishedPenny
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Posts
- 6,467
The Pope is shaken awake one morning by his Camerlengo.
"Holiness, wake up, please. I have good news and bad news."
"What's the good news?" he asks, rubbing his eyes.
"Holiness, it appears that the Second Coming is upon us. We've just received a personal telephone call from Jesus Christ!"
"Well, that's absolutely wonderful! After that, how can anything be bad?"
"I'm afraid he was calling from Salt Lake City."
"Holiness, wake up, please. I have good news and bad news."
"What's the good news?" he asks, rubbing his eyes.
"Holiness, it appears that the Second Coming is upon us. We've just received a personal telephone call from Jesus Christ!"
"Well, that's absolutely wonderful! After that, how can anything be bad?"
"I'm afraid he was calling from Salt Lake City."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
Imagine this story told by an actress like Louise Fletcher (Kai Wynn off Deep Space 9).
She has the ability to sound truly oleaginous.
Honk if you love Jesus.
The wife of a preacher talked to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had the previous week:-
“The other day I went up to the local Christian bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly happy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice at church so I brought the bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car.
I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the traffic lights of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and I did not notice that the light had changed to go. It was a good thing that someone else loves Jesus or I may never have noticed that the lights had changed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and leaned out the window and screamed: “For the love of God, Go.. Go..., Jesus Christ, GO..!”
Everyone was honking. I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people and I even honked my own horn a few times to Share in the Love.
A man from way back was yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back what this meant, he said it was nothing really, "Probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something".
Well I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the Window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My son burst into laughter. Even he was enjoying the love of this marvellous religious experience.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of the cars and were walking towards me. I think they wanted to pray, or ask which church I attended, but that was when I noticed the lights had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.
Mine was the only car that got across the intersection before the Lights changed again to red. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them, and all of the love that we had shared, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.
We must Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience.“
ANON.
She has the ability to sound truly oleaginous.
Honk if you love Jesus.
The wife of a preacher talked to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had the previous week:-
“The other day I went up to the local Christian bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly happy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice at church so I brought the bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car.
I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the traffic lights of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and I did not notice that the light had changed to go. It was a good thing that someone else loves Jesus or I may never have noticed that the lights had changed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and leaned out the window and screamed: “For the love of God, Go.. Go..., Jesus Christ, GO..!”
Everyone was honking. I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people and I even honked my own horn a few times to Share in the Love.
A man from way back was yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back what this meant, he said it was nothing really, "Probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something".
Well I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the Window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My son burst into laughter. Even he was enjoying the love of this marvellous religious experience.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of the cars and were walking towards me. I think they wanted to pray, or ask which church I attended, but that was when I noticed the lights had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.
Mine was the only car that got across the intersection before the Lights changed again to red. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them, and all of the love that we had shared, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.
We must Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience.“
ANON.
gunhilltrain
Multi-unit control
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2018
- Posts
- 7,618
Rodney Dangerfield had many great bits, sometimes just one-liners. Much of it was in his delivery, which can still be seen on YouTube clips.
"I think my wife is cheating on me. I came home yesterday and our parrot said, 'Quick - out the window!' "
A one-liner:
"My brother-in-law; I wish he'd learn a trade so I'd know what kind of work he was out of."
"I think my wife is cheating on me. I came home yesterday and our parrot said, 'Quick - out the window!' "
A one-liner:
"My brother-in-law; I wish he'd learn a trade so I'd know what kind of work he was out of."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber ?".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber ?".
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