Advice for newcomers

It is a common request around these parts, so common that there are already many threads on the topic but here I am starting a new one. We had a discussion going in a thread created by someone new to BDSM and to Lit. At her request, I did delete the thread. (Which was not an easy decision, we had people agreeing with Primalex!)

Anyway, post your best advice or links to great threads for a woman new to BDSM whose husband seems to be down with some kinky play, but she hasn't talked to him yet. Warnings about E-DOMS may be appropriate, too.

I'll start by linking the library. It's a sticky thread, but people don't always see it. If you're curious about a topic, it's probably covered here: BDSM Library.

This advice is for either side of the slash.

Consent - talk about it with him. Respect his no if he says no (even if you're asking him to dominate/top you). If he's into it, cool, explore together. You don't have to plan out every detail down to every single act, but he should at least be able to say if he wants to go down a path with you or not. If he's already into some kinky stuff, I don't see why it would be a problem to introduce him to other interests you have including some informative reading materials hopefully beyond erotic stories or porn. Beware of people that want to give you "advice" in private instead of posting publicly. If they can't say it in public, it's probably not advice with your best interest at heart.

Another sticky thread: Liking kinky sex doesn't automatically mean one has to be the d or the s. Just because someone likes attention and sensation doesn't mean they want to be your s-type.

This is the same advice I tend to give regardless of gender. Consent and communication is important and it's often overlooked that men can and will say no because there is this idea that men like sex so much that kinky sex would automatically be considered the cherry on the cake.

I would like to start out by saying that I was in the middle of leaving a comment on the original thread mentioned when it was deleted. I read the OP's final comment and felt terrible that she left feeling ashamed and embarrassed. So, I would like to leave a comment for old or new members here.

It is easy to get caught up in a heated debate and forget your manners when expressing your opinion here. The anonymity of saying things via the Internet also lends a hand in this. I think sometimes people say things in a way they normally wouldn't if they were in a face-to-face, friendly debate setting. So, I would like to suggest that people keep in mind - there is a real person with real feelings on the other end of that username. What you say or how you say it could actually have a negative impact on someone's life.

Secondly, I disagree with the outlook that PMs from people are less credible than public posts. It certainly does help to be able to read previous posts from someone to get an idea of their personality, viewpoints, or intentions on this site, but not everyone is comfortable putting their voice out there to be judged or criticized by others. That doesn't mean they don't have a valid opinion or helpful advice from a similar experience. You can usually tell the BS PM's from the sincere ones. It's easy to delete the ones you don't want to respond to, but okay to consider the ones that seem genuine.

The last advice I would give is to use common sense when you can. Don't give out personal information. Don't be too quick to trust someone. Think before you post anything you might regret. Read through the boards and other resources to gain some perspective. Take all advice given with a grain of salt. No one is an expert...almost all comments are only opinions. Sometimes there is no clear cut answers or easy solutions to advice you seek. And mostly, try to enjoy your time here...interact when you feel comfortable or sit on the sidelines and watch the show. It can be entertaining! ☺

ToPleaseHim said:

At her request, I did delete the thread.

Click to expand...

!! We are not doing such a thing here !!

13. We will not remove your posts or your account. You have the ability to edit out any text and remove any attachments on your own. The administrators will not delete your posts just because you changed your mind about what you said. You can edit your own posts as you see fit. Please do not contact us about removing your posts.
http://www.literotica.com/support/forum_rules.shtml

Primalex said:

!! We are not doing such a thing here !!

13. We will not remove your posts or your account. You have the ability to edit out any text and remove any attachments on your own. The administrators will not delete your posts just because you changed your mind about what you said. You can edit your own posts as you see fit. Please do not contact us about removing your posts.
http://www.literotica.com/support/forum_rules.shtml

Click to expand...

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Consilience said:

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Click to expand...

You and he think I'm corrupt with power?

I just try to do the right thing.

ToPleaseHim said:

You and he think I'm corrupt with power?

I just try to do the right thing.

Click to expand...

Twas only meant to be humorous.
Somebody needs to invent a sarcasm add-on for browsers already...

Consilience said:

Twas only meant to be humorous.
Somebody needs to invent a sarcasm add-on for browsers already...

Click to expand...

Lol. I agree. I took your post as it was intended.

ToPleaseHim said:

I just try to do the right thing.

Click to expand...

So does ISIS.
The whole point of rules is to determine what the right thing is and eliminate opinion.

There is one and only one good reason to ignore them - if a situation occurs that obviously could not be foreseen and where the strict following of the rules would actually result in an action that is against (or not covered by) the spirit of the rule.

I'll just say a little but about Frenzy. ( ...or a lot apparently, )

Sub frenzy and Dom frenzy.

For those that read this and it matters to, you may Pick Your Label- PYL/pyl

As a new person to BDSM, one would like to get as much information as one can about what you are getting yourself into. It's not all fun and games.

There are plenty of pitfalls even in an online community. One might think, its online, I can always walk away.

True. Perhaps. But? That may also be easier said than done.

New to sub feelings, often a sub will want to try it all. Feel like they don't want to miss anything. Will want some one to Dom them. Anyone.

They may be told that they 'must' do as commanded because they are a sub- without even knowing this person. And then will do exactly that. Take risks without proper screening of a partner.

Risks that make you fodder for someone not being responsible in their conduct. Or worse- several someones, where you find yourself 'meat' to others who are new like you or.....casually predatory. Waiting for a new person to show up. You. So they can abuse you how they like, without responsibility.

Falling into these kinds of ugly situations can and will make a mess of your life while you submit to their every wish and demand and then, when they get bored or you realize you DO have boundaries - leaving you to your own devices on how to process what YOU have just done.

Even online, a scene may be crafted and done in such a way that you will need aftercare and time to process. Try 3 or 4 or more such scenes a day! This can all creep into offline life leaving you vulnerable, emotional, and in need of aftercare or on the flip side, craving more frenzy, totally derailing your regular life and unable to take care of your regular offline responsibilities.

Imagine- a bunch of seemingly Domly guys/girls in a frenzy to use a sub in his/her frenzy all at once.

It can be a regretful experience. Even online.

I would also hope that new Doms figure some of this stuff out. Casual Predatory Domness, to me, just seems to me like so much abuse.

But then, I am new enough to where I may not know otw.

To all the new PYLs reading this.....Do you as a Dom/new Dom really want to potentially fuck up a new sub because you will not or simply cannot control yourself? Do you have a sense of responsibility for your partner? Does it matter to you at all?

Research. Do some. Do a lot. There's plenty of information out there. Here are a couple links. (Safe links below, no viruses) Do more than these two links. On this topic alone, I read stuff for about 4 hours and spoke about it at length with a couple people I trusted.

http://www.katekinsey.com/sub-frenzy.html

http://www.limitsunleashed.com/domsub-frenzy/


Talk to people. Don't be shy. Surround yourself with people to talk to. Compare notes. If you ask for advice, take some advice. Communication. You'll hear that word a lot. Live it.

Be excited. The learning of something new and exciting is upon you. And like anything new to learn, you'll need to do some homework and research.

Ultimately, you are responsible for how you handle yourself and what you do.

I have found this community to be engaging and very smart. Not afraid to argue and still maintain relationships. There are some good people here. And some bad ones. The spice of life, my friend.

Find an allyif you need to. Someone that will always have your back. Yes, even online.

My 2 coppers

The following is a great article about sub frenzy. Bolded bits are my own for emphasis.

I have talked to so many women who have come to Lit and experienced sub frenzy. Or realized after the fact that what they had gone through was sub frenzy. I experienced it myself when I was first realizing my kinky needs and desires. And I found myself doing things that were out of character for me. That lacked common sense. That, looking back, is frankly mortifying as all get out. How could I have been so foolish? How could I have made some of the decisions that I did - or failed to make? How could I have given up so much of my power and control with so little information? I was lucky. I did not get hurt. I was not damaged in any way other than my pride and some emotional scars. But this is not always the case.

Anyway. Food for thought.
cb


Submissive Frenzies

Author: Mistress Steele © 1995-2001

Submissive Frenzies are a state or condition that many if not all submissives will experience at one time or another. Many aspects of BDSM are similar to addictions in how they play out in the mind. From that perspective the Frenzies can be considered to be the 'withdrawal' stage. The peculiar thing about this is that a submissive need not ever have engaged in a real life D/s BDSM experience to actually go into this state of need. Generally the very first experience a submissive will have will be prior to ever engaging in a real life D/s event. Many submissives can chronicle a 'longing' or unspecified 'need' which may have begun when they were quite little. This sensation was always present though generally unacknowledged or openly reviewed. In many cases the submissive was not able to identify the source of this sensation. It simply made them restless and on occasion subject to frustrated outbursts.

With the 'finding' of the D/s BDSM community many submissives feel a corresponding 'surge' of excitement. Suddenly they sense or feel that this is the source. The realization or identification of this can be both positive and negative. For many there is a period of denial, anger, repugnance, fear, hesitation, temerity and hope. All of these emotions seem to occur simultaneously leaving behind confusion and anxiety. All at once they begin to 'sort' the events and motivations that have occurred over their entire lives. Seeing the patterns, the hints, the presence of their desires in so many different ways. It explains previous unexplainable actions they may have taken and views the actions of themselves and others from an entirely different standpoint. As they begin to process all of this new information they become fully aware that the source of all those suppressed needs and desires is attainable. Not only that but in a fairly accessible in a timely manner.

What occurs next is a mad dash or race toward 'finding' that special person who can attend to those so long unattended needs coupled to a desperate desire to gather more and more information. This often triggers or propels the initiation of a state of frenzy. This is an increasing and progressive sensation of 'need'. Fairly quickly the submissive may discover that 'getting their fix', becomes supremely important in their lives. It can leave them irrational, willing to make poor decisions, rash, impulsive and generally stupid. A submissive in a frenzied state is at their most vulnerable to succumbing to the ploys of those less than admirable. They may become easily enthralled, believe themselves 'in love', willing to give over anything (almost literally) in order to fill that enormous void in their life.

Contact with a Dominant, almost any kind will tend to rivet their attention. The very first gift that the submissive gives away here is their common sense. The sensations piggyback, by this I mean that the submissive upon discovering the community and all the excitement and feelings surrounding 'finding their home', may easily pile on their 'desire' for completion and pounce on the first candidate that comes along as being 'the one'. They invest everything, believe everything and leap at the opportunity. Too often they discover they have grabbed at a tin ring instead of a brass one, they have some sort of nasty or unpleasant experience and step back trying to discover what is wrong in their new world.

In addition, a submissive who has detached from their Dominant will slowly but surely go into a state of need. This is in my opinion a naturally occurring state by which the submissive projects their availability and desire for a new mate. I should also mention that the experiences within the relationship are in many ways addictive. The state of natural euphoria that a submissive may experience during a scene can set off a hunger to experience that again. This is identical to the introduction of any addictive drug chemistries into the body, the same symptomology in many ways.

A submissive in a pre-frenzy need state will often become very alluring, flattering, flexible. They will mirror the apparent 'needs' of the Dominant they are talking to in order to appear to be the perfect candidate for a future alliance. Though the submissives in general do not tend to lie here, many only present partial truth's. One said to me, "you have to ask me the right question". This leads to multiple problems including a submissive attaching to a Dominant that is completely unsuitable for them.

As I noted earlier this state of frenzy can occur at any point in a submissive's life and is not limited to the new submissive. In fact, it occurs sometimes even stronger in more seasoned submissives. They have a need that they recognize as perhaps to 'have their edges taken off', and they know exactly how that can be done through their own experience. The difference is that the older submissive can then 'evaluate' what part of their need is pressing upon them. Many then learn to go to a Dominant they are not bonded to and ask this person they trust (often as a good friend) to relieve their physical need (play). Many Dominant's (experienced ones) will be willing to assist or aide their friend knowing that keeping the submissives edges down will allow that submissive to retain the majority of their rational functions while they are seeking their next mate. This action 'reduces' the submissives vulnerability.

From a Dominant's standpoint it is preferable to discourse with a submissive who is in their best condition. It is very important for the Dominant to learn to recognize the symptoms of frenzy and allow for the premise that the submissive's judgment may be impaired when speaking with them. This allowance should propel detailed questions. Also the Dominant should give 'few' hints as to what they may be looking for. In this way the submissive is more likely to reveal themselves as they do not have a guide to go on. By this I mean that the Dominant should take control and ask what the submissive is looking for instead of offering or directing the submissives attention as to what the Dominant is seeking. In this way the Dominant can generally get a clearer picture of where that submissive is in truth. In addition I believe that the Dominant should not allow the submissive to thrust their 'submissiveness' at them, instead they should require the submissive to respond to them in neutral or top space as an equal from one human to another. This means that allowing a submissive to use an honorific title when addressing the Dominant should be something that submissive should earn the right to do after a period of time. In example . . . I am not every submissive's Mistress. The right to call me Mistress is something in my real life that I grant seldom and means that this submissive is special to me.

By taking this action the Dominant forces the submissive into a less vulnerable state when conversing with them. Somewhat like drinking coffee to wake someone up. It is also saying that submission is something I (as the Dominant) may allow you to present to me. It is not something I will allow you (as the submissive) to force upon me.

Primalex said:

!! We are not doing such a thing here !!

13. We will not remove your posts or your account. You have the ability to edit out any text and remove any attachments on your own. The administrators will not delete your posts just because you changed your mind about what you said. You can edit your own posts as you see fit. Please do not contact us about removing your posts.
http://www.literotica.com/support/forum_rules.shtml

Click to expand...

Agree.

Primalex said:

!! We are not doing such a thing here !!

13. We will not remove your posts or your account. You have the ability to edit out any text and remove any attachments on your own. The administrators will not delete your posts just because you changed your mind about what you said. You can edit your own posts as you see fit. Please do not contact us about removing your posts.
http://www.literotica.com/support/forum_rules.shtml

Click to expand...

Farawyn said:

Agree.

Click to expand...

I have to concur with this as well.
I am certain that ToPleaseHim was attempting to do what seemed the right thing at the time - but in doing so - posts with valuable information were lost and taken down that had no content outside of Lit rules and were only uncomfortable to the OP who apparently had changed their mind about having come here and posting at all. This is the risk you take when you post in an open web based forum.
I suggest in the future, when a Litster has regrets about their posts, the mod refer them to point #13 as quoted above by Primalex. If their posts were quoted by others, they can contact those Litsters and request that they edit the content for them - which may or may not be honored.

People need to take responsibility for their posts. If you violate Lit rules - your post will be removed - sometimes summarily. But if you are not in violation of Lit rules - the post stays. Unless you yourself edit it. Thems the rules.

Also - just found this very useful post. It is a great break down of how to navigate Lit in general.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=80990072&postcount=1158

Advice for new dommes

First the boots. Then the corset.