Did you ever have a "is something wrong with me" moment regarding your BDSM kinks?

Did you ever have a "is something wrong with me" moment regarding your BDSM kinks?

In the begining of your kink, or even later, have you ever asked yourself, "Is there something wrong with me for liking this?"

I'm just curious. I can't be the only one. Can I?

Please don't judge too harshly. It's a serious, quetion.

When I first started exploring BDSM with my husband (and we are, admittedly still new at this), I didn't feel bad, remorseful, naughty, whatever you want to call it...I just accepted that this is what gets me off, and was grateful that my husband was willing to play.

Then I watched a T.V. show this week.. and while yes I realize it is fiction, and no subs were harmed in the making of the film.... I had to stop and ask myself, "Wow? Is somethin wrong with me?"

Spoiler alert: It's the show Cirminal Minds, and the episode was recorded either this week or last.

So, the team of FBI profilers catch a case where a serial rapist/killer ties his victims at the wrist and ankles, sexually assaults them, and then strangles them repeatedly, not actually killing them for several hours.

Later we find out that the women are actually willing partners at first, and don't realize this guy is a killer.

So about the time we figure this out, it shows said Killer tying up his newest victim and wrapping a red cord around her neck.

Well, I KNOW he's going to kill her... but I was instantly turned on, and wished my husband was home, and spent all night fantasizing.

Okay.. so, seriously? It's okay 'cause it's fiction right? But aren't we supposed to be disgusted and appalled? I SOOOOO wasn't.

So now comes in that little niggling piece of doubt that asks..."What the heck is wrong with me?" Because I know nothing so simple as a single scene in a t.v. show can turn my kink off.

The thought has crossed my mind a time or two, and I'm still not entirely sure there isn't something wrong with me (sorry!) for liking some of the things I feel drawn to. I try to avoid the ones I think would be more unhealthy for me, but overall I'm trying to focus on what Ashleigh says.

If it doesn't hurt anyone but you, then it's your call and no one else's, right?

I don't know, hopefully it will help to know that there are other people out there who wonder the same thing at times - and there are things I was worried about before that I feel completely ok with now. Will enough ever be enough, or will I keep exploring down the razor-edged path as I learn to like new things? I'm not sure.

But I know I like kinky sex, too.

My husband/Dom had that moment at the very start of our BDSM relationship. He asked, very cautiously, if I would do a play rape session with him. Of course I obliged because the thought of being physically overpowered and dominated exited me. Afterwards, almost immediately, he was filled with self doubt. I reassured him, that I enjoyed the session just as much (if not more) than him. We've been married for three years, we'll never explore these fantasies with anyone else, and him fantasizing doesn't make him a rapist. It was about dominance, and taking a position of power over his (willing) victim. We're not hurting anyone else, just because we have these fantasies for ourselves doesn't mean we'll force them on anyone else either. I've always craved something rougher, more aggressive, I haven't had a "what am I doing with my life" moment. I hope this helps.

What a provocative thread. Since I am the one with the paddle, or rope, or thwacker of some sort or other, I'll let you know that I do sometimes wonder why I am drawn to inflicting some amount of pain when fooling around with kinky sex. IRL, I am non-violent. But start fooling around and I want to experience power and control. And my wife loves it--so that may be a factor.

We've been married for decades, and intend to stay that way. Would each of us have this "kink" if we were with someone else??

TbegetsT said:

What a provocative thread. Since I am the one with the paddle, or rope, or thwacker of some sort or other, I'll let you know that I do sometimes wonder why I am drawn to inflicting some amount of pain when fooling around with kinky sex. IRL, I am non-violent. But start fooling around and I want to experience power and control. And my wife loves it--so that may be a factor.

We've been married for decades, and intend to stay that way. Would each of us have this "kink" if we were with someone else??

Click to expand...

My husbands the same way, in RL, he's very kind and docile, but entirely something else when we're D/s.

I'm pretty sure I've felt that way at some point in my life, but no incidents come to mind. I joke a lot about finding inappropriate things a turn on, so maybe that's some kind of a subconscious coping mechanism. I've never felt bad or "something's wrong with me" because I've been turned on by something fictional, but being turned on by certain real life stories is more questionable. It's been a long time since I've felt any remorse because of it.

When I first figured out that I want submission to be more than just sex stuff, that's when I struggled a little. I felt like I'm letting down my own ideals about gender equality by wanting to submit non-sexually as well, but those feelings passed pretty soon after I remembered that it was my choice to make and not something imposed on me. The sex stuff was never problematic to me.

I think TbegetsT's pondering whether he'd be the same person with the same kinks if he wasn't married to his wife is interesting. I think I wouldn't be the same person with the same kinks if I wasn't with J. I would have gotten different experiences and that would have made me something else. The general interest in BDSM, submission, masochism and humiliation would certainly be there, considering it was there long before I even met J, but I'm pretty sure the soup made of the same ingredients would be a little different.

MissShelly said:

In the begining of your kink, or even later, have you ever asked yourself, "Is there something wrong with me for liking this?"

I'm just curious. I can't be the only one. Can I?

...

Okay.. so, seriously? It's okay 'cause it's fiction right? But aren't we supposed to be disgusted and appalled? I SOOOOO wasn't.

So now comes in that little niggling piece of doubt that asks..."What the heck is wrong with me?" Because I know nothing so simple as a single scene in a t.v. show can turn my kink off.

Click to expand...

No, you're not the only one.
Actually, I think I would question someone who hasn't at some point had this conversation with themselves.

Yes, it's fiction and it doesn't actually hurt anyone, but I've still wondered about what it does to me as a person. Especially when something does appal me but still turns me on, either in the moment or later when thinking back on it.
I still don't have a good answer to that.
I feel pretty ok with not calling this side of me normal though.

Are we supposed to be appaled?
I think that's an interesting question. Because sometimes I think we are and then it can actually ruin the experience of the story.
Other times there is something really speculative about the way it's presented and I'm not so sure that they don't intend the ambiguous reaction.

I've questioned my kinks. I questioned it more and judged myself more harshly when I didn't have terms and definitions to better explain what I like. After finding resources and seeing examples of decent people enjoying kink, I stopped questioning it so much.

I think one thing that made me feel bad was that most of the stories I was finding were of non-consensual BDSM encounters. I started to get the idea that people didn't do this sort of thing unless they were forced to. This was thoroughly confusing because I'm completely against rape and was even disgusted but was still turned on (arousal overrides disgust according to some recent studies). Not only that, but in media like TV and movies you see examples that end mostly in a negative fashion. The crazy serial killer likes to use whips and chains on his victims (and he hates women) or partner B dies in the middle of a scene and partner A gets put on trial and you find out they both have some kind of fucked up past. Because people that do BDSM are damaged (this stereotype over and over).

I've come to terms and realize the thoughts and inclinations have almost always been there. There's some peace in understanding what it is I enjoy and being able to articulate that to my partner and enjoy it with him in a safe environment. Also in knowing that kink does not equal damaged.

Yeah, it scares me that there doesn't seem to be anything my mind wont let my body try.
Thank God the opportunities never arise.
"hey Honey, let's take him out to meet rover!"
Yikes!
And i get the criminal mind thing. I was in love with the Domme who was on many episodes of csi vegas years ago.
Didn't matter to me what crimes she was comitting.
Damn
I scare me
*shrugs*

After my first Sir died I engaged in some incredibly reckless behaviors for a while. Thankfully I had friends who almost literally staged an intervention. (The talked with a known dom about scaring me "straight" and it took, probably more than anyone expected.) I quit the entire scene for many years because I realized my judgement wasn't trustworthy while I was grieving, and the healing took a very long time.

Several months before I met Master I'd begun to realize that I'd shut off a vital part of myself in the process. More healing, a lot of thinking and self-doubt. Master brought me back to myself. His reassurances and encouragement helped me to find a genuine balance. I'm the way I am for whatever reasons. I'm grateful beyond words that I have someone to enjoy me and to keep me safe.

I think it's normal to question what turns you on if it falls outside the "norm" maybe more worrying if you don't? I've watched some pretty gruesome bdsm porn. You know like a horror film, you have a pillow over your face , peeping round the edge , but you just gotta watch it!!!!
But yes it makes me wet,. It turns me on and I guess you just have to accept it.
If your really lucky you find someone who shares it and understands and doesn't think your a total weirdo! Lol.

No, I never think there is something wrong with me because of my kinks. After all, we read "happily ever after" stories and want that, so are you concerned about that influence? We read sci-fi and want a flying car, do you think that makes you crazy? So you are exposed to some other out of the norm ideas or images that happen to be sexual, and you feel the effects of it. I think that is 100% normal
Now, if you saw a video of lambs gamboling about in a field and then you wanted to go rip their heads off and play basketball with them... well.. I would worry

I draw the line at cowtipping.
And anything from jeffrey dahmer's playbook.

pensivepoet said:

I draw the line at cowtipping.
And anything from jeffrey dahmer's playbook.

Click to expand...

Cow tipping is funny as hell....until you run away and step into cow patties.

Yyyyep. It happens every once in a while, but I'm working on getting over myself.

Doesn't mean that my kinks are a black box, because I respect myself enough to be able to analyze and critique every part of me I consider fundamental to my being, but guilt and worse are just a waste of time and unhealthy to boot.

Yes I have. It used to be constant, and I believe what MeekMe said about BDSM in popular culture played a huge part it.

I still feel this way now, but not so much about consensual BDSM as opposed to real life incidents of abuse. At times, when I read news or watch it on TV, or in the cases of documentaries the details will physically turn me on and disgust me at the same time (as in disgust at the perpetrator, never the victim). Then I'll feel disgusted in myself, as logically I know how much suffering the victim had been through, at that I would never want to put anyone though that but the fact remains that although in my mind I don't want to feel aroused, my body betrays me.

This scares the bejesus out of me, especially as I'm planning on training to be clinical psychologist. If I'm unable to stop my bodies physical reaction to details of abuse and rape I don't think I could psychologically handle working with clients that have those backgrounds. I'm still working out how best to deal with this, but at least I no longer blame myself for feelings I can't control, which is something I guess.

Sometimes yes. It's the whole secretive aspect of it, being careful not to let too many kinks slip during drunken sex talk with girlfriends or general flirtations.

And the whole Shades of grey mainstream shite just makes it harder IMO

I know! Right?
I tell myself, do not text, email, pm, post on lit, or answer the phone after the 2nd beer.
But after 4 beers it all seems like a great idea.
I've had too many headslaps in the morning.
Too many "oh shits!"

Happens way too often. Maybe its because Im not exactly comfortable with the fact Im submissive, but it is what it is. Especilly after orgasm, I get really frustrated with myself knowing what I just did.

There are many times I wish I was vanilla.

Never, not even once

At 18 years of age my 26 year old bf introduced me to bdsm. I took to it like a duck to water. It was THE missing link to my sexuality. Now nearly 60, and yes, very sexually active I might add, I have a Dom who I see once or twice per month for heavy bdsm sessions and my husband who is bdsm lite. ;- )

Have I questioned WHY I like this? Yes. Have I felt odd? A resounding NO. Why do you like blonde haired people, or brown eyes. Skinny, fat or in between shapes. My hypothesis is two fold, we might be hard wired, or predisposed to like certain things. Although whatever the chemical rushes we get are quite addictive.
Secondly, whatever we saw, experienced, elicited a strong reaction from, whether a movie, song, real life, while we were "coming of age" (recognizing sexuality during puberty) impresses us to such a degree, no matter how subtle it was at the time, it imprints on us possibly forever.
As long as you are not "hurting" or maiming, etc. Someone, it is consentual between two or more adults you are golden.

Stop listening to know nothing TV shows, religion and society that wants to mold you into what THEY want, not what your heart tells you.

I'm a sadist.

A male, reared in the South, that had the cultural ideal "A gentleman NEVER strikes a lady." drilled into his head from before the time he was able to actually listen.

That found organized kink in his mid-thirties.

Whose oldest sexual fantasy revolves around the capture and enslavement of an unwilling victim, breaking her will to mine, making her my slave heart, body and soul, and at some point, skinning her alive.

Oh hell, YES, I had self-doubts. I refused to do anything relating to blood sports (needles, cutting, deliberating breaking skin) for years because I was afraid it would "trip that trigger" that would turn me into the psychopathic serial killer...

Eventually I got over it.

You aren't alone.