More Humour

Bert_Fegg said:

A high femme must do battle for any androsexual in peril from dragon or Frenchman.

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LOL. Hey, HP! I am a high femme, y'know. But I'm sure you wouldn't let your dragon imperil any androsexuals in the forum.


That one of JBJ was hilarious!

Just a note of thanks to Handley Page, who has provided us with so much humour and so much pith as well.

thanks, my friend
danke, mein freund
gracias, mi amigo
merci, mon ami.
grazie, amico mio

A story...

There's a farm in County Kerry that isn't doing so well. Eventually the eldest daughter decides she'll go to London to seek her fortune and send money back to her struggling family. She does this and for a while they get letters from her telling them how hard it is for a country girl to find work in the capital. One day though a letter arrives containing a cheque for £500. a couple of weeks later the same. after a few months of this, the family's poverty has been greatly reduced, but Siobhan's mother is starting to get very worried that her head has been turned by the big bad city and begs her daughter to come home for a visit, to set her mind at rest. Eventually she agrees.

When the appointed day arrives, the family is astounded when an Audi sportscar pulls into the farmyard, and out of it gets a beautiful woman in an obviously expensive dress and jewellery. She grabs her fur coat from the passenger seat, throws it over her shoulders and walks into the house. The family is astounded at the transformation that Siobhan has undergone.

Later that evening, after dinner, when the rest of the family has retired, Siobhan's mother talks to her daughter alone in the parlour. "Siobhan love - we're all grateful for the money you've been sending us and to be sure I don't know what we'd have done without it, but I'm so worried for you. Where does a poor farm girl from county Kerry find a job that will buy all the luxuries I see you with?"

Siobhan looks at her mother and lets out a deep sigh. "Sure and I'm not going to lie to you mother" she says "I've become a prostitute. There's the truth of it."

Her mother gasps and clutches her breast. "Oh no! not my darling daughter! Please, by all that's holy, tell me it isn't so."

"I'm sorry mother" replies Siobhan sadly. "I couldn't find any other work and I knew you were depending on me, so I'm a prostitute. I sleep with rich men for a thousand pounds a night."

"Oh God be praised!" says her relieved mother "I thought you said Protestant!"

Protestant! LOL.

So. there's a guy in a public lav taking a piss in the urinal when a black guy comes in, stands at the next vacant pot and pulls out a stereotypically huge kidney disturber and proceeds to relieve himself.

The [white] guy next to him says "Holy shit! I expect you get this a lot, but how the fuck do you get a dong that size"

The bloke is indeed, used to questions like this and rather fed up with them so he says "We tie weights to them when we're kids - every birthday we tie a bigger weight to it and it stretches. by the time we're eighteen we have to be careful running in case we trip over our dicks. Not so great for hunting but our women wouldn't have it any other way."

The white guy leaves in a thoughtful mood. As luck would have it, a couple of months later, he sees the black guy and says hi.

You know what you told me about hanging weights off your dick to stretch it? Well I did just that - I didn't feel like waiting years so I started off with half a brick and guess what? It's just like yours now!"

"Oh yeah?" says the black guy sceptically

"Yeah" says the white guy "It's black."

Games company Hasbro has been forced into a dramatic recall of the board game Scrabble after it was discovered that copies of the game included all the letters needed to form the racist ‘N-word’.

The offending word - recently made famous by the film "Twelve Years A Slave" - has been reported by families worldwide, with Hasbro suggesting a disgruntled former employee may be to blame for the insertion of the rogue letters.

“I was playing a nice board game with my father”, said Amy Blackwell, a mother of two.

“Suddenly, he played the word that began with N and ended in R. You know, the one Jeremy Clarkson is supposed to have said? I’m amazed that games companies are allowed to be so racist in 2014.”

“Later my daughter came to me and asked if I knew what ‘felching’ was. She’s 6 years old, for crying out loud. Every time she plays that game with her grandad, she learns more disgusting words.
Everyone at Hasbro has to resign.”

Handley_Page said:

Games company Hasbro has been forced into a dramatic recall of the board game Scrabble after it was discovered that copies of the game included all the letters needed to form the racist ‘N-word’.

The offending word - recently made famous by the film "Twelve Years A Slave" - has been reported by families worldwide, with Hasbro suggesting a disgruntled former employee may be to blame for the insertion of the rogue letters.

“I was playing a nice board game with my father”, said Amy Blackwell, a mother of two.

“Suddenly, he played the word that began with N and ended in R. You know, the one Jeremy Clarkson is supposed to have said? I’m amazed that games companies are allowed to be so racist in 2014.”

“Later my daughter came to me and asked if I knew what ‘felching’ was. She’s 6 years old, for crying out loud. Every time she plays that game with her grandad, she learns more disgusting words.
Everyone at Hasbro has to resign.”

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This sounds like the Mash

Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car."


This is what they call, "The Golden Years!"

Picture the scene: It's the early hours of the morning in Sydney, Australia. A bloke, sleeping alone, is awoken by the ringing of a telephone. He answers it. It's his distraught girlfriend.

"Bruce, you bastard!! You've got me pregnant! If you don't marry me I'll throw myself off the Sydney Harbour Bridge!"

"Well that's bloody decent of you Sheila!"

US Marines Invade Norway....Children Get Even

I wish I could cut & paste the words, but I couldn't make it work. I promise, this is worth a read. Master told me I had to share!

http://themetapicture.com/welcome-to-norway-little-american-soldier/

desertslave said:

I wish I could cut & paste the words, but I couldn't make it work. I promise, this is worth a read. Master told me I had to share!

http://themetapicture.com/welcome-to-norway-little-american-soldier/

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Magic!
There's a lesson there.

desertslave said:

I wish I could cut & paste the words, but I couldn't make it work. I promise, this is worth a read.

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The article is an image rather than text: (actually, multiple images)

Mothers Day

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. - Mark Twain

Parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth. - Peter Ustinov

For a woman, a son offers the best chance to know the mysterious male existence. - Carole Klein

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. - Rita Rudner

Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life. - Sophocles

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of priests. - Spanish Proverb

Italian Mama

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female flatmate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mother's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Maria and I are just flatmates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

A few gems from Steven Wright:

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing there like an idiot.”

“Last night, I stayed up late playing poker with a deck of Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“If you are in a spaceship traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave often and almost went back in time.”

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child . . . eventually.”

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'well, what do you need?'”

“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”

“When I was 16, I worked in a pet store. They had three snakes in there, and I got fired because I braided them.”

Posting a few old ones.

How do you define adultery?
Putting yourself in someone else's position.

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was
Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan ..
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a
plane......

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie and decides to test it out at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. "OK, OK. I was watching movies at a friend's house," says the son.

"What did you watch," asks Dad.

His son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son again. "OK, OK, we were watching porn," cries the son.

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." Whack. The robot slaps Dad.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps Mom.

The other day, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos, flippin' through the television and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist out of Dallas, and he was staring at me.

He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?"

I shrugged and thought "Yeah."

"Have you spent half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?"

I took a sip of my drink and started thinking "Man, this guy's good!"

"Are you sitting in a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?"

At this point I was a little stunned. "YES, SIR!"

"Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?"

Whew! Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second! Apparently, I'm not the only cat on the block that digs Cheetos.

In an effort to defeat Superman, I've joined a Los Angeles street gang. Superman won't have a chance once I become a Crip tonight.

This is perhaps the best advertisement I have ever seen.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=536651519776804

Fortunately, it is not necessary to speak Turkish to enjoy this short film.


[ I have to confess a particular liking for the Virgin Atlantic 'still red hot after 25 years', though ]

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

==================================

From the Texting suite:-


I heard you like bad boys.

Yeahh

Well, I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go on their website with my parent's permission;
I didn't ask them.

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Just got home and saw a note from my flatmate: 'Borrowed your bike'





I didn't mind until I saw another note from my girlfriend: 'Out with Steve'

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.