Vanilla people and the world of Kink!

Hello my fellow Kinksters!

As some of you may know, I have very recently discovered my place in the world of kink and like a child, cannot get enough. It has changed my whole life immensely (not just in a sexual context) and I can already see that it has made me a much more assertive, thus a much better and most importantly a happier person.

I have also been quite outspoken about this since a lot of people have seen a very abrupt change in my attitude and are questioning the reasons.

Currently, I separate people into two categories (Yes I realise this is in no way supposed to be exactly true, but it works for me):

There are "vanilla" people who (I imagine) generally only have sex in the missionary position, slow and sensual (not that there's anything wrong with that, just bores me personally) and then there are kinky fuckers like us. I certainly know which I prefer!

However, a great majority of "vanilla" people, mostly through ignorance, quickly come to the conclusion that we are all "perverts" since they either do not understand the different dynamics involved, or simply it's just not their thing.

Mostly, as soon as a vanilla person gets an inkling of what I now am, their usual response is: "Oh! So you like to beat your wife basically!" Then they feel the need to explain to me how they are in an "equal" relationship and that they show their wives the respect she deserves (I'd like to suggest that my wife gets more respect and love from me because of this than their gets from them.)

Most of the time, I have neither the patience, nor the desire to sit there and educate them about the different things that are involved in this, that not everyone beats or gets beaten and that it has to be based on mutual understanding and respect.

I do suspect that, secretly, at least some of these people are kinksters themselves but mainly due to social dogmas, they have to pretend to be "proper"only to go home and be tied to the bedpost and be caned themselves (or whatever kink they enjoy.)

What are your own experiences in this? Please comment freely as you desire, I am interested in the good, the bad and the ugly.

Happy Kinking
x
E

I don't separate myself from "the vanillas." I don't care for that word but I use it because it's meaning is understood here. I have kinks and I never stopped being apart of the vanilla population. I have kinks and still enjoy plain old sex (regardless of the positioning). I don't go around telling everyone I know about my personal relationship so I don't have to defend my position within that relationship. Perhaps less generalization of "vanilla" folks and their inclinations could make your life a little easier.

La damnee elle la licorne said:

It's not any one's business 'what G and I are' any more than our income or our retirement plans or our medical details or any thing else.

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You have a knack for making these good points don't you? I think this is the second one I have noticed

I agree completely, however, I would suggest that you would be absolutely amazed at the number of people who do ask how much someone earns, what their plans are for retirement and how one takes care of medical bills.

Unfortunately, whilst I absolutely can, I don't necessarily "want" to tell people to mind their own business all of the time.

Thank you, all the same, for the comment. Unfortunately, I MUST say, it doesn't answer my question

La damnee elle la licorne said:

Fwiw I love plain old missionary. There are times when nothing 'beats' it. *shrug*.

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Hey! There's absolutely nothing wrong with the missionary position at all. This wasn't what I was suggesting. What I AM suggesting, however, is that there is something wrong (FOR ME!) with having sex ONLY in the missionary position! (Yes Yes, I'm generalising about vanilla people, bite me!)

I think I can guess your retirement plans anyway. Gardening, riding ponies and travelling?

MeekMe said:

I don't separate myself from "the vanillas." I don't care for that word but I use it because it's meaning is understood here. I have kinks and I never stopped being apart of the vanilla population. I have kinks and still enjoy plain old sex (regardless of the positioning). I don't go around telling everyone I know about my personal relationship so I don't have to defend my position within that relationship. Perhaps less generalisation of "vanilla" folks and their inclinations could make your life a little easier.

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I need to quickly make 3 comments:

1. I don't necessarily walk around with a sign on my head that says "I'm a kinkster" to provoke people into a conversation! However, if the subject comes up and I hear them calling people like us perverts/abusers/weak people that should either be locked up or treated then I cannot just keep quiet, depending on the person of course. Sometimes I will just smile and say nothing because the person does not have the capacity to be educated.

2. Feel free to "hang me" on this but I would strongly suggest that you are NOT a vanilla person, since vanilla people do not join kinkster websites. and this is NOT a generalisation (Exceptions do NOT change the rules)

3. Thankfully, my life has been incredibly easy and VERY enjoyable since I stopped trying to please everyone!

Yes we all still have parts of our lives that are very much vanilla. I am not suggesting that I have suddenly become this hardened Dom who goes to work in Leather trousers and a whip in his hand!

There's nothing wrong with generalisation. The whole world RUNS on generalisation. As long as one knows the difference between this and prejudice. Exceptions do not change the rules. You cannot deny the fact that for one reason or another, Vanilla people WILL refer to you and I as perverts/abusers/the oppressed etc (Whether to your face or behind your back.)

Is it any of their business? Hell no. But will that stop them from saying these things? I doubt that very much.

Thank you very much for your comment

x
E

Consilience said:

I think I can guess your retirement plans anyway. Gardening, riding ponies and travelling?

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Funny you should say that. I've just received a letter from the government that suggest that I have ONLY 29 years and 3 months to my retirement.

personally, I don't believe I will live long enough to see retirement, since by the time I get to 70, retirement in this country will be pushed back to 85.

That, however, is a political discussion I feel

x
E

La damnee elle la licorne said:

Two out of the number of posts I make is a terrible strike rate

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You are being VERY unfair to yourself I'm afraid...

Whilst I don't exactly expect you to know or remember, that is TWO out of THREE responses to MY posts!

2. Feel free to "hang me" on this but I would strongly suggest that you are NOT a vanilla person, since vanilla people do not join kinkster websites. and this is NOT a generalisation (Exceptions do NOT change the rules)

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I don't define myself by my kinks or call what I do a "lifestyle." I don't separate myself from "the vanillas." You'd have no clue about my kinks if you just met me on the street, which is funny because I'm sure a kinky person has gone on the internet to complain about how vanilla I am and how I just wouldn't understand them.

An us against them mentality isn't helpful in any way, especially when it comes to people thinking the worst of BDSM practitioners. If the topic comes up (and it rarely does) I talk about it in general and don't give people information about my own life that they just don't need to know.

Please tell me what these rules are because I haven't found any concrete, one twue way rules that are universally recognized when it comes to having kinks.

You are absolutely right. There are definitely no "rules" or anything else that one needs to adhere by. Are two people ever the same? Can a Dom seriously detatch from His/Her Sub and expect to find exactly the same thing being accepted by another. Very unlikely.

Please note very well that there is no us against them in what I've1 written here. I feel there are enough divisions im tbe world without me adding to it. Yes you may or may not choose to divulge your personal life to anyone. That is your prerogative. In the same way that those whom I refer to as vanilla people can refer to kinksters as perverts. That is their prerogative. My post here isn't about judging people on their preferences. Each to their own. A person I may classify as vanilla (and only "I" have the right to decide what "I" think is vanilla) is perfectly entitled to decide for themselves what will make them happy. Does that make them "bad" or what they're doing "wrong"? No. It just means they are uncompatible with ME. Just as anyone has the right to call me a "pervert" I have the right to call them "boring." So please do not feel the need to defend something I am not attacking.

And yes you do not have to define yourself as anything if you dont want to. You may decide to define yourself as English or a Brexiteer perhaps but again, that is your choice. Please dont think that Im trying to make anyone fit into any category. But just as I respect your right to form your opinion, please show the same courtesy in return.

My initial question was in regards to people who have had these conversations and how they generally dealt with them. If you didnt necesarily find yourself in this situations, through your decision not to disclose this information, then that is fine also. It does mean, however that you are perhaps not in a position to answer the question, in which case please feel free to think "What a stupid post" and completely ignore the question.

Regards
E

MeekMe said:

I don't define myself by my kinks or call what I do a "lifestyle." I don't separate myself from "the vanillas." You'd have no clue about my kinks if you just met me on the street, which is funny because I'm sure a kinky person has gone on the internet to complain about how vanilla I am and how I just wouldn't understand them.

An us against them mentality isn't helpful in any way, especially when it comes to people thinking the worst of BDSM practitioners. If the topic comes up (and it rarely does) I talk about it in general and don't give people information about my own life that they just don't need to know.

Please tell me what these rules are because I haven't found any concrete, one twue way rules that are universally recognized when it comes to having kinks.

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I've answered your question. I've had these conversations and never had to disclose my personal relationship details to make my point. I also don't think it's my job to convince people that I'm not or anyone else into BDSM is not a pervert. Some of us are completely ok with being called perverts. You say you aren't trying to make anyone fit into a category, but you strongly suggested that I'm not vanilla. Often times, "they're consenting adults, it's not our business." is enough to shut people up.

Thank you MeekMe.

MeekMe said:

I've answered your question. I've had these conversations and never had to disclose my personal relationship details to make my point. I also don't think it's my job to convince people that I'm not or anyone else into BDSM is not a pervert. Some of us are completely ok with being called perverts. You say you aren't trying to make anyone fit into a category, but you strongly suggested that I'm not vanilla. Often times, "they're consenting adults, it's not our business." is enough to shut people up.

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Thank you Damnee. Food for thought

Oh dear.

I discovered bdsm around the age of 40, after I was divorced. I'm now 55. I started dating a different kind of person and it was noticed by people in my life. However, it was just a passing thing - nothing that stirred a conversation about kink or bdsm.

i also started attending local bdsm event and made a new circle of friends. While it was acknowledged by people who've known me a long time that I was really getting out there and making new friends after my divorce, that was about the extent of the conversation.

My pre-bdsm friends ("vanilla" if you prefer) have interacted a few times with my kinky friends. My parents have met my kinky friends. I met my husband on a kink site.

Seriously, the issue has never ever come up. My sexual shenanigans never came up in conversations pre-bdsm -- why would they now? "Vanillas" in my life really truly do not get any inkling of how I roll when it comes to kink, bdsm or D/s.

Thoughts on icecream and people: There's nothing wrong with vanilla. It's the base for most other flavors. You can add sprinkles, chocolate syrup, caramel, nuts, whipped cream, cherries...or anything else you want to spice it up. It's delicious and can be enjoyed in a variety of ways.

Response to this thread: People are different in a million ways...their opinions, preferences, morals, beliefs, actions, knowledge, desires, curiosities, capabilities, etc... So, in the terms of 'vanilla', kink, or perversion - there are just as many differences. I don't really view a person's 'judgement' of another as necessarily 'judgemental', but more of a lack of understanding. There are some aspects of BDSM that I would never enjoy and can not even comprehend how it would be enjoyable to anyone. As an example, take persons who are into scat...I don't 'judge' them, but I cannot understand their fetish at all. No matter how it is explained to me, it won't change my opinion or 'make me understand'. In turn, I don't expect everyone to understand how I feel about the things I enjoy. No big deal.

I have always been very submissive. I'm also a very private person. I'm not ashamed of how I feel or what I do, but I also don't feel the need to announce it to anyone. If the conversation comes up in a general discussion, I will give my opinion. If people don't agree or 'understand', I just let it go. With my close friends, I will discuss it on a more personal level. And if someone is genuinely curious or seeking advice or guidance, I would share some of my experiences and thoughts. How they view it is up to them.

As far as encountering people with a negative view of BDSM...of course it happens. Why wouldn't it? But it doesn't bother me, and I don't try to convince them they are wrong. If you are asking about instances in which I've been 'condemned' by someone for my choices - it rarely happens, but it has happened. I have had a past partner, who was not into BDSM, accuse me of being 'broken'. Naturally, our relationship ended there. A lot of times people think there is something wrong with you if you enjoy 'kinkier' things than most 'vanilla' people. No, I don't appreciate being 'judged' that way. I don't think anyone does. I might like non-traditional sex, but in no way am I 'broken'. If someone doesn't accept me for who I am, I simply separate myself from them. If they accept me but just don't understand, I'm fine with that...we can still be friends and interact in the things we have in common.

..........

tryn2Bgood said:

Thoughts on icecream and people: There's nothing wrong with vanilla. It's the base for most other flavors. You can add sprinkles, chocolate syrup, caramel, nuts, whipped cream, cherries...or anything else you want to spice it up. It's delicious and can be enjoyed in a variety of ways.

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^^ this.

Some people discover kink (or poly) and it's like they've just found religion and have to view EVERYTHING through that lens, and from there it's a very short step to talking about how Our Type are "more evolved" than The Other Type etc. etc.

OP, you didn't quite say that, but you sounded as if you weren't a million miles away from it. Too many kinksters use "vanilla" as a put-down. I know plenty of lovely open-minded non-BDSMers, and unfortunately quite a few BDSMers who are closed-minded in their own ways, so like MeekMe I don't find it a very useful way of dividing the world.