Hi all

I'm a newbie here. Pretty cool site!

I know there's a big debate about what's "erotica" and what's "porn" and all...Me? I guess I like what's more like "porn" than "erotica." A big influence on me are the Blakely St. James books from the the '70s and '80s that my older sister used to keep stashed in her room (and I snuck into her room to read).

So, I'm trying to write a book, I guess, in the spirit of these books (actually, I'm hoping for a better narrative than some of these books...some are really cool (Christina's Bliss is a fave of mine), but some are so lame.

I'm not trying to create some deep erotic insight into humanity or anything. At least not now as I'm testing my wings. But I am concerned that maybe I'm going over some line that will turn people off.

Anyway. What I'm saying here is: Can you let me know what you think of this passage I wrote for the book I'm working on, puhleese? Give me your honest opinion, but kinda be gentle, since it's my first time.

It's a spring break story. The characters have smoked some amazing chronic are drifting into unexplored territory...

“I am soooooooo fucking turnt,” Emily sang out, outstretching her arms like she was in freefall and draping one of them across my jellowy boobies, where it remained, pressing down, down. The touch of her forearm against the heightened sensitivity of my rising nipples rippled pleasurably throughout my lax body. I lay there with eyes closed, dreamily smiling at the sensation. She kept her arm there across my breasts, seeming to savor the hardness of my nipples pressing up through my thin top and against her skin.

Feeling her firm bare thigh pressing closely against mine, my hand slipped across its smooth firmness, wavering at first, as though it had been an accident. When I heard Emily’s trembling breath increase through her nose, though, I allowed my hand to rest on her leg, my fingers casually caressing the softness of her inner thigh. Emily’s arm rolled from my breasts to wrap across my flat midrift where she petted the skin above my unfastened shorts with her hand.
All of this was happening as if it were in a dream.

The THC from Finley’s potent pot coursing through our veins seemed to emanate stimulating waves of bliss throughout our bodies. Aside from the occasional hiss of Kristen toking on the joint, which seemed to be transmitting from far off galaxies, I totally lost touch with time…with Finley…Heather…John…school…my parents…with everything but the sweet cannabis cloud I floated in, my surging pulse, and the feel of Emily pressing so close up against me, her hand now finding its way up under my top, caressing my belly, the calf of her leg sliding over my shin with my hand stroking the smooth length of her thigh up and down now, my fingers brushing over her bending knee and lingeringly drifting up to pause just shy of the warmth emanating from the lime-green puff of fabric between her parting legs.

I don’t know what was the spark…was it the touch of Emily’s lips playfully brushing along my exposed shoulder? Was it the feel of her leg locking around mine? Was it my finger tips gliding gently across the soft, soft cushion of her pussy?...Whatever it was, soon our eager lips were melting in to each other in a delicious kiss, our slippery tongues swirling and twirling together inside our mouths as hot, excited breath panted loudly through our flaring nostrils. I felt Emily’s eager hand reaching up to cup one of my braless breasts, her legs tangling with mine, my fingertips briskly wiggling the springiness of her dampening crotch, the room tumbling and spinning. Groaning into my mouth, her hand moving from one tit to another beneath my top, her fingers toying with and tugging on the elongated cherries throbbing atop each vanilla mound.

“Lisa,” Emily breathed into my ear, pulling her lips from mine and pressing her forehead onto the side of my mine. “Lisa Lisa Lisa…” She was grinding the cushinesss of her pussy directly onto the ball of my hand, which I held firm and steady between her thighs and against the pushing of her hips. Her tongue licked all around my ear…her teeth gently nipping the occasionally. Her clutching hand groped and squeezed and twisted my titty, fingers pinching and twisting the rigid tip, her clit grinding, rubbing, thrusting onto my hand.

“Oh, Emi-…” Before I could finish, her mouth closed over mine. As we smooched, she rolled me over onto my back, tongue sliding in and out of and all around my quivering lips, my tongue yearning to entwine it, her hand pulling my top up to unveil the pointed peaks of my tits…

Everything after that was a jumble blurring together in a kaleidoscope of sensuality…Emily kneeling over my breast, licking and sucking the inflamed, aching areola. My finger stroking her slickened thong, my thumb finding the swollen clit beneath it and flicking it all around.

I become aware of Kristen sprawled at at the edge of the bed, her towel fallen away to reveal her lovely, tan-lined shapeliness, lush raven hair cascading around her gorgeous, angular face and swooshing around one of her shoulders, her wide, pouting, kissable lips pursed, her sultry hazel eyes watching with glowering intensity as our mutual blonde friend suckled at one of my tits while tugging the other nipple with her fingers. With her long legs askew, Kristen’s hand cupped the nest of trimmed, dark curls between them and slowly, slowly, slowly polished her glistening fleshy ruby.

(This is italicized from here on): A blurring shift and Emily is straddling me, my head between the walls of her smooth-shaven thighs. She’s smiling down at me over her swelling tits, nipples jutting through her clingy cropped shirt. The soaked thong beneath her rising and falling belly button looks like a juicy wedge of fresh lime eager to be slurped. I reach up beneath the curtain of her dangling shirt and squeeze Emily’s full, luscious melons hanging above me, massaging them and loving their heavy malleable suppleness in my hands…Emily drops her head back, bouncing her butt approvingly on my breasts as I become dimly aware that Kristen is pulling my denim shorts and sticky pink thong down, down, down, my parting legs…

Emily is tentatively scooching her lap toward me, perhaps uncertain how I’ll respond, the thick bouquet of her passion fruit swimming in my head…I gaze at the tantalizing V spread before me, panting eagerly, wetting my lips, admiring the alluring outline of her aroused pudenda showing through the tight, soaked green fabric…never before had I ever wanted to be this close to or to taste another woman’s pussy but now all my mouth yearns for is Emily’s succulent slit.

My hands leave both of Emily’s full breasts, sliding down her silken curves to cup the rounds of her perfect ass, coaxing her forward, Emily looking down at me and giggling a naughty little giggle…

Reaching down, her fingers pull her thong to one side and I only catch a glimpse of Emily’s surging roseate cauldron before it swells over mouth, smearing its sticky syrup all over my lips and chin, her tuft of recently bathed pubic hair tickling my nose, her hips beginning to rock, soft thighs pressing over my ears…The strong, tangy taste on my tongue is a surprise (not unpleasant) as it struggles to lick at the slippery folds of her rhythmically rolling vulva, occasionally flicking against the nub of her moving clit…

I feel Kristin’s delicate hands caressing my parted thighs, the lush strands of her long hair brushing over my belly and pussy, raising goose pimples all across my sensitive flesh...she unexpectedly smacks my distended clit with her fingers, sending electric shivers up my spine and down to my curling toes. She smacks me again…and again…and again, getting a little faster and harder with each strike, the combination of her stinging spanks and the cool swaying hair tickling my tummy making me whimper into the juicy pussy riding my face.

“Ooooh,” I can dimly hear Emily singing sweetly above me like an angel succumbing to earthly pleasures…her hand resting on my forehead, she’s leaning forward, burying my mouth and embattled tongue with her insistent, surging mons. “Oh, yes, Lisa,” she sighs, “…yes…yes…” Clamping both hands around Emily’s outer thighs, I raise my foot and rest the heel of the sandal I’m still wearing onto Kristen’s back as the sensations of her tongue now working its way up between my expanding, supple labia soothing the spanking she just gave them, incite my hips to rock deliriously beneath her exploring mouth...

The pussy bearing down on me with increasing fervor wriggles with increasing passion, each thrust stronger than the previous one, until Emily finally shudders out of control and lunges forward, coming on my face with a suffocating orgasm, her quaking thighs clutching my head between them…Kristen’s rapid, teasing tongue dances around my clit like a wildfire, finally consuming it with a burning lust that ignites an erupting orgasm that crazily rocks my hips, twists my waist, and leaves me squealing breathlessly into Emily’s cunt…I can sense Kristen coming too as her moaning mouth encloses my wrenching lower lips and I feel her abruptly heaving forward, her fingers apparently making her ruby finally glitter…

Another shift, and somehow we’re all three encircled on our sides around the mattress, each of us with one crooked leg hovering in the air…the heel of my sandled foot digs into someone’s waist or ass…my face is thrust up into someone’s lap, my mouth licking, sucking, nuzzling, biting, kissing the thrusting, writhing, engorged nub at the peak of those crimson petals, just as whosever’s face it is up between my legs is doing the same thing to me…

And we’re coming…oh god yes! we’re creaming and we’re coming and we’re creaming…me and her, her and her, her and me, all of us together, and her again…a mutual, all-enveloping orgasm washing over the three of us…coming, and coming, and coming…tumbling all over each other… until we’re entangled together, our bodies limp in a sweaty female heap on the bed, fingers playing admiringly with hair…all of us filled with drowsy giggles and kisses and our still-quivering bodies basking in the soothing glow of the morning tropical sun…

Welcome to the Story Feedback forum.

The excerpt was quite hot, with nicely vivid descriptions. You did a particularly good job capturing the euphoric high and light-headedness that comes with cannabis. I was however, hoping for a few more visual trips caused by the pot - rapidly changing images, spinning faces etc. Maybe the vagina looks bigger than ever, like a cave (or a vertical yawn) under the influence of the pot.

You should also keep a close eye on the spellings - it's midriff, not midrift. There were a few other awkward words like "scooching" which impeded the flow.

All in all, I really liked this story. Put the link up on this thread when you submit it.

Thanks! Great pointers.

I love writing stuff like this, but I feel weird or self conscious showing it to people I know.

Yeah, I went back and forth on "scooch"...I was playing with the idea of the pot making odd words like that seemingly make sense in the heat (and high) of the moment. But if they actually distract, I should reconsider.

I found it erotic, and arousing, it certianly reached the parts of me that need care and attention

Amanda_Dreamer said:

Thanks! Great pointers.

I love writing stuff like this, but I feel weird or self conscious showing it to people I know.

Yeah, I went back and forth on "scooch"...I was playing with the idea of the pot making odd words like that seemingly make sense in the heat (and high) of the moment. But if they actually distract, I should reconsider.

Click to expand...

LOL... I feel awkward sharing what I write here with anyone I know in real life.

LaRascasse said:

LOL... I feel awkward sharing what I write here with anyone I know in real life.

Click to expand...

Well use a false name so many of us do

eric60red said:

I found it erotic, and arousing, it certianly reached the parts of me that need care and attention

Click to expand...

Thanks for the feedback!

This scene is part of a larger sexy farce, I guess I'd call it, and I'm actually more concerned about the farce than I am the sexy. But I also was curious to see how I'm doing in that area, too, hence, my post.

I love to write the erotic passages, but I'm not sure how well I'm balancing it with the larger farcical narrative at this point. Perhaps I'll end up taking it in a different direction.

My strategy is to focus the first draft more on the sexy stuff while linking it together with loose threads that I'll tie together in future revisions.

sorry, you lost me at "soooo" "turnt" and "jellowy boobies" and "nipples rippled" they make me laugh, sorry

robertreams said:

sorry, you lost me at "soooo" "turnt" and "jellowy boobies" and "nipples rippled" they make me laugh, sorry

Click to expand...

All that and more. You switch between past and present tense, have no clue about commas and no idea what ellipses are. You generally ignore convention to keep speech tags to a minimum.

Forgetting the story for a moment, you are in urgent need of a copy editor to correct the myriad faults in grammar and punctuation.

You raise the conflict between erotica and porn but just produce a half-baked smut piece. No description, no emotion and no character development. Good scores and book reads come from developed characters and developed plot. You have neither, sorry.

Amanda_Dreamer said:

Thanks for the feedback!

This scene is part of a larger sexy farce, I guess I'd call it, and I'm actually more concerned about the farce than I am the sexy. But I also was curious to see how I'm doing in that area, too, hence, my post.

I love to write the erotic passages, but I'm not sure how well I'm balancing it with the larger farcical narrative at this point. Perhaps I'll end up taking it in a different direction.

My strategy is to focus the first draft more on the sexy stuff while linking it together with loose threads that I'll tie together in future revisions.

Click to expand...

You can bonce it off me anytime

Welcome to Literotica

"I know it when I see it." Justice Potter Stewart wrote that in a 1960's Supreme Court ruling on pornography. I suspect a lot of people would agree to this sentiment if they were pressed to define what porn is. For myself, I define porn as a visual medium, photos and videos explicit to the extent that they leave little to the imagination. Erotica, on the other hand, teases and stimulates the imagination. The viewer or reader is tantalized and engaged, and they fill in what's missing according to their own preferences and prejudices.

That said, I like both porn and erotica, depending on my mood and frame of mind.

So, your passage - The setting is promising and I believe you have a good first effort that needs some work. Others have pointed out some of the odd choice of words so I won't repeat that here. I think Elfin's criticism was a bit tough - Please don't be discouraged by her harsh tone - but she raises a valid point. A lot of errors can easily be corrected with the help of a good editor.

The scene starts out hazy and languid, what one would expect after the characters have smoked some good pot. The action is unhurried and slowly picks up speed. Good job with that.

There is a change in tense. If I had to guess I'd say you changed your mind about past tense vs future tense. I'm not sure what you meant to convey when the text changes to italics. Perhaps you could explain it.

You have potential and I highly encourage you to stay at it. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

-lg

The criticisms above are all valid -- except maybe the lack of character development. This IS just a fragment. You've hopefully built the personae elsewhere in the text.

But the orthography ain't great. Other problems:

* Save present tense for dialog (speech and thoughts), not narrative, escept very short bursts. Save contractions for dialog, too.

* Even a stoned story needs a clear narrative, else the reader is lost. Italicizing long passages wrecks clarity.

* Break up paragraphs into bite-size chunks, each distinct and unitary, driving the text's rhythm. Be sure we know who's doing what to whom. And be careful with those ellipses...

Here's my (imperfect) active edit of the excerpt.

===========================================

[It's a spring break story. The characters have smoked some amazing chronic and are drifting into unexplored territory...]

“I am soooooooo fucking turnt,” Emily sang out.

She outstretched her arms like she was in freefall, and draped one across my jello-y boobies, where it remained, pressing down, down. The touch of her forearm against the heightened sensitivity of my rising nipples rippled pleasurably through my lax body.

I lay with eyes closed, dreamily smiling at the sensation. She left her arm across my breasts, seeming to savor the hardness of my nipples pressing through my thin top and against her skin.

Her firm bare thigh pressed closely against mine. My hand slipped across the smooth muscular firmness, wavering at first, as though by accident. But when I heard Emily’s trembling breath increase through her nose, I allowed my hand to rest on her leg, my fingers casually caressing the softness of her inner thigh.

Emily’s arm rolled from my breasts to wrap across my flat midriff. She stroked and petted the skin above my unfastened shorts with her tender hand.

All of this happened as if in a dream.

The THC from Finley’s potent pot coursing in my veins drove ecstatic waves of bliss through my body. I drifted away in the vapor...

Aside from the occasional hiss of Kristen toking on the joint -- a sound-flash from a far-off galaxy -- I totally lost touch with time, with Finley, Heather, John, school, my parents… with everything. Everything but the sweet cannabis cloud I floated in, and my surging pulse, and the feel of Emily pressed so close to me.

Oh, Emily! Her hand found its way up under my top and she caressied my belly. The calf of her leg slid over my shin. Her bare toes brushed mine.

I responded, my hand stroking the smooth length of her thigh, my fingers brushing over her bent knee and lingering, drifting up to pause just shy of the warmth emanating from the lime-green puff of fabric between her parting legs...

I don't know -- what was the spark? Was it the touch of Emily’s lips playfully brushing along my exposed shoulder? The feel of her leg locking around mine? My finger tips gliding gently across the soft, soft cushion of her pussy?

Whatever the trigger, our eager lips soon pooled in a delicious kiss. Our slippery tongues swirled and twirled together inside our merged mouths. Hot, excited breath panted loudly through our flaring nostrils.

Oh, Emily! Her eager hand reached to cup one of my braless breasts. Her taut legs tangled restlessly with mine. My fingertips briskly stroked the springiness of her dampening crotch. We were lost in each other, the room tumbling and spinning...

She groaned into my mouth. Her hand traveled from one tit to another beneath my loose top. Her fingers toyed with me, tugging on the elongated cherries throbbing atop each vanilla mound.

“Lisa,” Emily breathed into my ear.

She pulled our lips apart and pressied her forehead onto the side of my mine.

“Lisa Lisa Lisa…”

She ground the cushinesss of her pussy directly onto the ball of my hand. I held my palm firm and steady between her thighs and against her pushing hips. Her tongue circled my ear; her teeth gently nipped my lobe. Her clutching hand groped and squeezed and twisted my titty, decisive fingers pinching and twisting the rigid tip. She pressed her clit grinding, rubbing, thrusting onto my hand.

“Oh, Emi-…”

Before I could finish, her mouth closed over mine, locked onto me, possessed me. She rolled me onto my back. Her tongue slid in and out and around my quivering lips, my tongue yearning to entwine it.

Her hand pulled my top up to unveil the pointed peaks of my tits. I felt liberated.

After that came a jumbled blur, a kaleidoscope of sensuality. Emily kneeling over my breast, licking and sucking the inflamed, aching areola... my fingers stroking her slickened thong... my thumb finding the swollen clit beneath the cloth and flicking that tender nub...

I become aware of Kristen sprawled at at the edge of the bed.

Kirsten's towel fell away to reveal her lovely, tan-lined shapeliness. Her lush raven hair cascaded past her gorgeous, angular face and swooshed over one shoulder. Her wide, pouting, kissable lips pursed wetly.

She focused on us. Her sultry hazel eyes watched with glowering intensity as our mutual blonde friend suckled at one of my tits while tugging the other nipple with her fingers.

Kirsten's long legs spread askew. Her hand cupped the nest of trimmed, dark curls between her thighs. Her fingers slowly, slowly polished her glistening fleshy ruby.

A blurring shift! Emily straddled me, my head between the walls of her smooth-shaven thighs. She smiled down at me over her swelling tits. Her nipples jutted through her clingy cropped shirt like kitten's noses. The soaked thong beneath her rising-and-falling belly-button was a juicy wedge of fresh lime eager to be slurped.

I reached beneath the curtain of her dangling shirt and squeezed Emily’s full, luscious melons hanging above me. I massaged them. Oh, I loved their heavy malleable suppleness in my hands!

Emily dropped her head back, bouncing her butt approvingly on my breasts. I was dimly aware that Kristen pulled my denim shorts and sticky pink thong, down, down my parting legs.

Emily tentatively scooched her lap toward me, perhaps uncertain how I would respond.

The thick bouquet of her passion fruit swam in my head. I gazed at the tantalizing V spread before me, panting eagerly, wetting my lips, admiring the alluring outline of her aroused pudenda showing through the tight, soaked green fabric. Never before had I ever wanted to be this close, to taste another woman’s pussy. But here, and now, all my mouth yearns for is Emily’s succulent slit, oh yes, oh yes...

My hands left Emily’s full breasts, sliding down her silken curves to cup the rounds of her perfect ass, coaxing her forward. Emily looked down at me and mewed a naughty little giggle.

Slowly, teasingly, Emily reached down. Her fingers pulled her thong to one side. I only caught a brief glimpse of Emily’s surging roseate cauldron before it swelled over my mouth, smearing its sticky syrup all over my lips and chin.

Her tuft of recently bathed pubic hair tickled my nose. Her hips rocked, soft thighs pressing over my ears, taking control of me.

The strong, tangy taste on my tongue was a surprise -- not unpleasant, not at all. I struggled to lick at the slippery folds of her rhythmically rolling vulva, occasionally flicking against the nub of her moving clit.

I feel Kristin’s delicate hands caress my parted thighs. The lush strands of her long hair brushed over my belly and pussy, raising goose pimples all across my sensitive flesh.

Kristen unexpectedly smacked my distended clit with her fingers, sending electric shivers up my spine and down to my curling toes. She smacked me again… and again… and again, a little faster and harder with each strike.

The combination of her stinging spanks, and her cool swaying hair tickling my tummy, made me whimper into the juicy pussy riding my face.

“Ooooh,” I could dimly hear Emily singing sweetly above me, like an angel succumbing to earthly pleasures. "Aaaahhh..."

Emily rested her hand on my forehead. She leaned forward, burying my mouth and embattled tongue under her insistent, surging mons.

“Oh, yes, Lisa,” she sighed, “…yes…yes…”

I clamped both hands around Emily’s outer thighs.

Oh! Kristen was between my thighs now!

I raised my leg and rested the heel of my sandaled foot on Kristen’s back. Her tongue worked its wet way between my expanding, supple labia, soothed the spanking she just gave them, and incited my hips to rock deliriously beneath her exploring mouth.

The pussy bearing down on me with increasing fervor wriggled with increasing passion. Each thrust was stronger than the previous, yes stronger, faster...

Oh! Emily shuddered out-of-control and lunged forward, cumming on my face with a suffocating orgasm, her quaking thighs clutching my head between them, oh, oh…

Kristen’s rapid, teasing tongue danced around my clit like wildfire, finally consuming me with a burning lust, a lust that ignites an erupting orgasm, and crazily rocks my hips, and twists my waist, and leaves me squealing breathlessly into Emily’s cunt, oh fuck, fuck…

I felt Kristen climax also. Her moaning mouth enclosed my wrenching lower lips. She abruptly heaved forward, her busy fingers making her priceless ruby finally glitter and gleam and glow.

Another shift! Somehow we were all three on our sides, encircled in a riotous ring around the mattress, each with one crooked leg hovering in the air.

The heel of my sandled foot dug into someone’s waist or ass. My face thrust up into someone’s lap, my mouth fiercely licking, sucking, nuzzling, biting, kissing the thrusting, writhing, engorged nub at the peak of those crimson petals, just as whoever’s face was between my legs was doing the same thing to me, oh fuck…

And we’re cumming… oh god yes! We’re creaming and we’re cumming and we’re creaming, me and her, her and her, her and me, all of us together, and her again…

A mutual, all-enveloping orgasm washed over the three of us. Cumming, and cumming, and cumming… tumbling all over each other… until we’re entangled together, our bodies limp in a sweaty female heap on the bed, fingers playing admiringly with hair… all of us filled with drowsy giggles and kisses... and our still-quivering bodies basking in the soothing glow of the morning tropical sun.

Editor

I am an editor, as I produce a Monthly News Letter for circulation. You can use me any time you want Amanda, to edit your story.

It's been a busy, busy week

Thanks for the feedback! I haven't been able to check in much this week due to travel and other writing deadlines.

Yeah, this was a fragment, not a stand-alone. It's part of a larger narrative involving "something about Mary"...or "mary jane," to use an old-school euphemism for pot. Without giving too much away, prior to this passage, the characters Emily and Lisa (and later, Kristen) are unknowingly getting high on a new, potent brand of pot cut with a strong aphrodisiac and watching Mexican TV. The scene leading up to this episode gets increasingly sillier and sillier (hence, some of the weird language). The lax language and loose grammar in this passage reflect the altered state of mind they're experiencing as the unusual strain of pot kicks in and their sex drives are unloosed.

Shoulda noted that, I suppose. Life's kinda crazy these days, but of course you don't know that. First rule of communication: tell what your audience needs to know, not what you think you need to say. I'll try to check in over the weekend (no guarantees; summer is turning out to be busybusybusy)...but during the week, definitely not so much. Life does tend to get in the way.

Shalom, ya'll!

Amanda: I tried to PM you about this but you don't have messaging enabled. To ensure you have switched-on your Private Messages: Go to User CP (top left of this page), click on Edit Options (in the left hand column), and then tick Enable Private Messaging in the second box down. Make sure that the next box down (Receive Private Messages only from Buddies and Moderators) is NOT ticked. Finally click Save Changes at the bottom of that page.
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