Looking for feedback

Hi Literotica Readers,

My name here is Mythinos, and I started writing non-consent/reluctance type of stories to my ex-girlfriend via text messages when we were away from each other. It was my way of pleasing my ex-girlfriend, or helping her please herself. I found that I really enjoyed the thought of woman reading my stories, fantasizing, and getting themselves off. My ex showed me the site, and recommended that I post my stories. Most or parts of my stories come from personal experience, which is probably the only reason I can partially capture the feelings, emotions, etc.

I'm not very well educated, and I'm the definition of an amateur writer. Please consider that, when/if giving me feedback on sentence structure, grammar, etc. That is not the feedback I am looking for, although that does help me learn, and to write better.

I'm looking for feedback from woman, who like the non-consent/reluctance type of story. I am a male, so trying to concentrate or capture what women want to read is difficult for me.

My first story, "A Couple's Journey ( http://www.literotica.com/s/a-couples-journey )" focuses on a woman cheating on her boyfriend, but realizing that the boyfriend had setup the entire situation. He of course joins the two for a MFM encounter, but it is clear that the boyfriend is the dominant one. I'm not going to tell you if this encounter really happened, so I just refer back to my previous comment about how most or parts of my stories come from personal experience.

I have submitted a second story, Your Apartment ( http://www.literotica.com/s/your-apartment )", which is still pending. It is a story about a girl on a date who has the man walk her back to her apartment. She doesn't want to have sex with him because it is to early in their relationship, but his confidence overcomes her, and she succumbs to him. Once it is available, I will provide the link.

Thank you.

Mythinos

Lit reader, actual female, and non-con/reluctance fan here. I like that you're trying something unusual with the second-person present female perspective, even though you're a guy. It's a difficult choice, but it can really pay off if your main objective is to connect with female readers. Your descriptions are, for the most part, pretty hot and accurate enough to what my body does when aroused to connect to it, but you would have really benefited from running this by an editor first.

You give the surprise in your story away with the title and the beginning sentence of "I can picture..." introduces the master perspective of someone who's not either of the two men in the story but never explains that. I also wouldn't think of this as a non-con/reluctance story because the reluctance is more of a momentary thought of not wanting to "cheat" after getting eaten out. There's not even token resistance. I think this might be better off in the Group Sex category because you'll find readers who more readily want to connect to this kind of story than in Non-Con.

The boyfriend set-up doesn't make much sense because you never explain the protagonist coming home from the party. She clearly didn't bring the other guy home with her if she didn't want to cheat and also didn't know her boyfriend was going to be in her house. So they either weren't at the party together or didn't leave together.

You definitely have more imagination going on here than standard and I like the bent over the back of the couch angle, but some of your body positions make no sense, which took me out of the moment. Some examples:

"He presses his waist against your behind;" - I'm 5'4". If his waist is against my behind, even if I'm still wearing my party heels, he is five feet tall.

"He reaches up to grasp the back of your blonde hair, forcing your head slightly back and up...He pulls your hair even harder, which forces your head to look high and arches your back slightly, exposing your pussy to his tongue which is now being pressed against you." - Now he can pull my hair up with one hand with his face in my pussy. That would mean his arms have to be so long that he's at least seven feet tall.

I think you have potential with your writing, especially if you keep practicing, but it might help to run your drafts past someone else for things like this before you post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HItVDGs49o

So what would do for a Klondike Bar?

Mythinos said:

I'm not very well educated, and I'm the definition of an amateur writer. Please consider that, when/if giving me feedback on sentence structure, grammar, etc. That is not the feedback I am looking for, although that does help me learn, and to write better.

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FWIW, I thought your grammar etc was generally pretty good. A few small errors - I think everybody benefits from a good beta reader/editor - but nothing major in the story. I hope you'll excuse me just this one nitpick, since it's prominent (and might result in a story rejection) and because you might be able to fix it before it goes out:

I have submitted a second story, You're Apartment", which is still pending.

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That should probably be "Your Apartment". "You're" = "you are".

OK, on to story feedback. I found the beginning confusing:

A good looking, fit guy moves up behind you and puts his hands on your hips and moves his mouth to the back of your neck.

You get chills and goose pimples because it feels good to have a man's hands around your waist, and you can feel the strength even in his light touch. You know that you could try and escape, but you would not be strong enough to break his grasp or control of you. And you know that he is not your boyfriend Paul, but some guy that you ended up talking to at the birthday party. He had that rugged look that your boyfriend has

My first reading of this was: she thinks she's alone in the apartment, and a man has surprised her from behind... how does she know what he looks like? Then from the second part I worked out that she did know who he was, apparently she knew he was there, so then I had to go back to the start and re-read with that interpretation in mind.

This breaks the flow - you really don't want readers having to stop and puzzle out what's going on, let alone have to go back and reread. I think it'd benefit from establishing before he touches her that she knows he's there - especially for a story in NC, where the Mystery Ravisher is a common plot.

Also, if you're trying to put the reader in her head, filter it through her perceptions. Don't describe him as "good looking" at a moment when he's behind her - do it at a time when she can see him!

Slowly, he caresses your body and back, moving his hands to slowly release the back zipper that holds the soft red material of your dress into your perfectly shaped body

Old joke: husband and wife are making love, missionary style. As he moves inside her, he looks down at her and asks "What are you thinking?"

"Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

For me, describing the dress colour at this moment feels a bit like that. Earlier on, it could be appropriate - if memory serves I have a Red Dress scene in one of mine, because I wanted to create a strong visual impression at the beginning of a date. But right now, at this moment in the story, is she really thinking about what colour her dress is? If not, don't mention it. Keep the focus on the bits that are affecting her. "Soft" is a bit more defensible, since it relates to the tactile aspects of the story.

Also, maybe this is just personal taste, but I find things like "good looking" and "perfectly shaped body" don't add much to a story. In erotica, readers will tend to imagine those things unless there's some specific reason not to.

Also also, watch for repetition - you have two "slowly"s there, and it shows up several more times in this scene. Sometimes less is more.

He reaches up to grasp the back of your blonde hair

Again, pulling me back out of her perspective: in the dim light he's likely to have trouble seeing her hair colour, and she certainly shouldn't be focusing on it just now.

you feel a slight pain since you haven't been fucked in a long time.

Given that she has a boyfriend, and that they both seem to be fairly sexual, this left me wondering "why not?"

the shadowy figure stands from the chair it was sitting in. You can make out the curves of the muscles in the shoulders, the height of the individual, and you realize that the figure is naked, his blood swollen cock being stoked slowly by this person

My reaction here: wait, who's stroking him? Is there a fourth person in the room that I missed? Oh, "this person" is just him. Keep actors' identities clear: just say "slowly stroking his blood-swollen cock".

Other than those things, I thought it was pretty well-written. I generally prefer longer stories that have more room to develop, but this one didn't feel rushed, which is unusual for a one-page story The emotional description was good, except for the problem I've mentioned of pulling readers out of her perspective.

Thank you for the constructive feedback stlgoddessfreya and Bramblethorn. All very good points that the both of you brought up. I can't believe I didn't catch the mistake in my title for my second story, but thanks for pointing that out to me. I went back in and corrected it.

JamesBJohnson, I don't get what you're trying to say with your comment and post.

Mythinos said:

Thank you for the constructive feedback stlgoddessfreya and Bramblethorn. All very good points that the both of you brought up. I can't believe I didn't catch the mistake in my title for my second story, but thanks for pointing that out to me. I went back in and corrected it.

JamesBJohnson, I don't get what you're trying to say with your comment and post.

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Translation: Your lousy story reminds me of old tv jingles.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Translation: Your lousy story reminds me of old tv jingles.

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LOL, I'm glad you didn't like it.

Mythinos said:

LOL, I'm glad you didn't like it.

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And I'm glad you write crap.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

And I'm glad you write crap.

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Then don't read it, and it would be nice if you would stop being rude, and harassing.

Then don't invite it if you cant handle it. Simply ask for a back pat and plastic affirmative action trophy.

Mythinos, trying to write in second person present when you start to scale Everest is silly. Very few writers have achieved it and you compound the problems of second person with the present tense. Start simple - first or third person in a past tense.

As usual, second person is being misidentified. The very first word of this story places this in first person: I can picture the apartment being dark, and only slightly lit by the lights outside that shine in through the windows.

Actual second person is very difficult to deliver. No "I" observations whatsoever (which flips it back to first person) and everything has to be delivered from inside the mind and observation of the "you."

You hear a sound that draws you to the window in the living room. You don't reveal yourself there, as you don't want your interest to be revealed, but shield your body from the window by slipping behind the draperies. "They are at it again," you mutter to the empty living room. You wished Tom would kiss you like he is kissing the babysitter before they descend the porch steps to the car.

Everything remains from the perspective and inside the head of the "you." Once you make an "I" observation, you no longer are in the second person.

So, by that same logic, all of Moby Dick should be read as being dictated, exactly as it's written, by Ishmael in a conversation with the reader?

stlgoddessfreya said:

So, by that same logic, all of Moby Dick should be read as being dictated, exactly as it's written, by Ishmael in a conversation with the reader?

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Who is this addressed to? I don't see where it has anything to do with what I posted.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Then don't invite it if you cant handle it. Simply ask for a back pat and plastic affirmative action trophy.

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Constructive criticism welcome not rude and harassing comments. I'm sorry that you're an unhappy person.

elfin_odalisque said:

Mythinos, trying to write in second person present when you start to scale Everest is silly. Very few writers have achieved it and you compound the problems of second person with the present tense. Start simple - first or third person in a past tense.

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Thanks, I appreciate the constructive feedback.

Same to you sr71plt, thank you for the constructive feedback.

Mythinos said:

Constructive criticism welcome not rude and harassing comments. I'm sorry that you're an unhappy person.

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Spare me your projections. Learn to write and learn to take the heat.

Mythinos said:

Then don't read it, and it would be nice if you would stop being rude, and harassing.

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You may want to check out the Ignore functionality, if you haven't already.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Spare me your projections. Learn to write and learn to take the heat.

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It's amazing how unhappy as a person you are, and you can tell by your poor attitude on a website forum.

Bramblethorn said:

You may want to check out the Ignore functionality, if you haven't already.

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Thanks Bramblethorn. As well, your constructive criticism was appreciated, and I see what you are saying. Practice, practice, practice.

i read, A LOT. i have a post graduate degree, for what ever that's worth. i love literotica and have read and enjoyed, i can't begin to count how many, reluctant/non-consensual stories over the last several years. thing is, everyone worth listening to has already given you constructive criticism. so, i'll just give some encouragement, you put a creative twist on you first story. that was brave. wow! and the story wasn't bad. so, yeah. take what Bramblethorn and stlgoddessfreya have given you and keep going. keep practicing, keep getting positive input and ignore the rest. you'll get there.

Mythinos said:

It's amazing how unhappy as a person you are, and you can tell by your poor attitude on a website forum.

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I blame my parents, I never got the pony I wanted. My cousins all had ponies but wouldn't let me ride unless I cleaned stalls and paddocks for them, first. My cousin Ray (the one who looks like Eddie Munster), was cruel and caused my PTSD. At the pasture where they kept the ponies there was a stream with an electric fence that crossed it. Well, Ray usta make me clear that spot of reeds and cat-tails, and turned on the juice a few times while I was in the water, close to the fence. I haven't smiled since then.

juliaa801 said:

i read, A LOT. i have a post graduate degree, for what ever that's worth. i love literotica and have read and enjoyed, i can't begin to count how many, reluctant/non-consensual stories over the last several years. thing is, everyone worth listening to has already given you constructive criticism. so, i'll just give some encouragement, you put a creative twist on you first story. that was brave. wow! and the story wasn't bad. so, yeah. take what Bramblethorn and stlgoddessfreya have given you and keep going. keep practicing, keep getting positive input and ignore the rest. you'll get there.

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Thanks Juliaa801!

Mythinos said:

Hi Literotica Readers,

My name here is Mythinos, and I started writing non-consent/reluctance type of stories to my ex-girlfriend via text messages when we were away from each other. It was my way of pleasing my ex-girlfriend, or helping her please herself. I found that I really enjoyed the thought of woman reading my stories, fantasizing, and getting themselves off. My ex showed me the site, and recommended that I post my stories. Most or parts of my stories come from personal experience, which is probably the only reason I can partially capture the feelings, emotions, etc.

I'm not very well educated, and I'm the definition of an amateur writer. Please consider that, when/if giving me feedback on sentence structure, grammar, etc. That is not the feedback I am looking for, although that does help me learn, and to write better.

I'm looking for feedback from woman, who like the non-consent/reluctance type of story. I am a male, so trying to concentrate or capture what women want to read is difficult for me.

My first story, "A Couple's Journey ( http://www.literotica.com/s/a-couples-journey )" focuses on a woman cheating on her boyfriend, but realizing that the boyfriend had setup the entire situation. He of course joins the two for a MFM encounter, but it is clear that the boyfriend is the dominant one. I'm not going to tell you if this encounter really happened, so I just refer back to my previous comment about how most or parts of my stories come from personal experience.

I have submitted a second story, Your Apartment ( http://www.literotica.com/s/your-apartment )", which is still pending. It is a story about a girl on a date who has the man walk her back to her apartment. She doesn't want to have sex with him because it is to early in their relationship, but his confidence overcomes her, and she succumbs to him. Once it is available, I will provide the link.

Thank you.

Mythinos

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As you walk to your apartment with him, you think how wonderful the dinner has been. He has been interesting, funny and witty. He didn't (slangy, valley talk like 'just' cheapens your work, you mean 'only' say only.)only talk about himself, but listened. He listened with such intensity you could tell he cared, enjoyed your conversation. It was much too early in the relationship for you to be in love with him, but you desperately wanted him to fuck you. Your body had become hot, your pussy wet throughout the evening; that rush of excitement and lust you hadn't felt in a long time. The short walk from the restaurant felt like eternity. Would he invite himself inside, or would you have to ask him to stay? You tried to make small talk, walking back to your apartment, but too many questions lingered.

Questions, answers mattered not at all. “Give me your keys.” he said simply. It was not a request. Time seemed to stand still. You can remember only excitement, anticipation, nervousness. He had never been to your apartment, but he grasped your hand and moved you to your bedroom. You felt as if you had no control, no say in what was about to happen. You were at his mercy, at his bidding. ( I guess here is where you need to decide whether to use past or present tense. You can't use both the way you have constructed this) You don't have to take in all my suggestions. My main point is to male the scene more terse, eliminate every unnecessary word. Shorten sentences if necessary to enhance the action. You want your reader involved and reading fast. You have talent and you have your own style. You even pull off the second person, though I do not think you should try 2nd pov and present tense. (tough job). Ignore JBJ he loves to her himself talk nasty, so others will join in the argument. It is kind of a passive aggressive satisfaction for him. I agree with everyone but him. Keep at it Write, write, write. Get an editor. Everyone needs one. I am one of Lit. volunteer editors and would be happy to help if you like my work. PM me and I will send e-mail address. It would be a pleasure to work with someone so talented.

robertreams said:

As you walk to your apartment with him, you think how wonderful the dinner has been. He has been interesting, funny and witty. He didn't (slangy, valley talk like 'just' cheapens your work, you mean 'only' say only.)only talk about himself, but listened. He listened with such intensity you could tell he cared, enjoyed your conversation. It was much too early in the relationship for you to be in love with him, but you desperately wanted him to fuck you. Your body had become hot, your pussy wet throughout the evening; that rush of excitement and lust you hadn't felt in a long time. The short walk from the restaurant felt like eternity. Would he invite himself inside, or would you have to ask him to stay? You tried to make small talk, walking back to your apartment, but too many questions lingered.

Questions, answers mattered not at all. “Give me your keys.” he said simply. It was not a request. Time seemed to stand still. You can remember only excitement, anticipation, nervousness. He had never been to your apartment, but he grasped your hand and moved you to your bedroom. You felt as if you had no control, no say in what was about to happen. You were at his mercy, at his bidding. ( I guess here is where you need to decide whether to use past or present tense. You can't use both the way you have constructed this) You don't have to take in all my suggestions. My main point is to male the scene more terse, eliminate every unnecessary word. Shorten sentences if necessary to enhance the action. You want your reader involved and reading fast. You have talent and you have your own style. You even pull off the second person, though I do not think you should try 2nd pov and present tense. (tough job). Ignore JBJ he loves to her himself talk nasty, so others will join in the argument. It is kind of a passive aggressive satisfaction for him. I agree with everyone but him. Keep at it Write, write, write. Get an editor. Everyone needs one. I am one of Lit. volunteer editors and would be happy to help if you like my work. PM me and I will send e-mail address. It would be a pleasure to work with someone so talented.

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Thank you robertreams for the feedback, and for the editor offer. I may be sending you my next story, thank you.