Threesome Advice

So, I could use some practical advice. My husband and I have talked about having a threesome since shortly after we met. We're both into the idea, but it has just never happened. Lately we've both decided that we would really like to make this fantasy a reality, but we're stuck on the mechanics of meeting people. We aren't looking for a relationship, but we do want to make a connection with people. I guess I am just not sure how to bring it up to anyone I think might be interested. I guess asking someone out can be intimidating no matter what the circumstances, but I'm finding this particular one very confusing. Any thoughts?

In the past when we sought and had the experience it was difficult. That was pre- Internet era. Now it is easy. Meet the right person on line. Know each other, cybersex is a great way, to start, webcam and slowly introduce the idea. Most men will hesitate but some will take the plunge. Once you know someone intimately in cybersex it is a natural progression. For MMF the female has to do most of the preparatory work. If you are into it go for it, it will be awesome experience. It will take time and work. I wish you well.

I say stick to sex toys. If your hubby is anything like mine, any involvement of a fifth wheel will be at his direction and bidding and under that sort of limitation might as well be a blow-up doll or a dildo.

aquitainienne, it sounds like you're looking to avoid people you might know already. one possible hangup: the new person may be a lot chattier than you might like. with a stranger, that risk is always present.

the times that i've been in threesomes, they've exclusively involved someone else being added to a relationship i was in with someone else. so i can't provide any guidance along those lines and others here are much more knowledgeable that way.

you've successfully avoided mentioning whether you are seeking to add a man or woman to the mix. if that's intentional, that's OK, but more specific information tends to yield more relevant suggestions.

a question both of you should consider whether you'd be OK with the other calling out someone else's name during orgasm.

ed

There's much more experienced people in this area than me. All I can tell you is I have tried it and didn't like it. Introducing someone else to the mix changes the dynamic quite a bit. In my case it was a MFF and they organised it themselves. I only knew about it when they dragged me off, perhaps that was the problem. At any rate best of luck!

Ms_McG said:

I say stick to sex toys. If your hubby is anything like mine, any involvement of a fifth wheel will be at his direction and bidding and under that sort of limitation might as well be a blow-up doll or a dildo.

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Very good point Ms_McG. It only works, MMF that is, if the wife is the screenwriter, director, and the leading actress.
List of do's and don'ts could help the proceedings going smoothly.

silverwhisper said:

aquitainienne, it sounds like you're looking to avoid people you might know already. one possible hangup: the new person may be a lot chattier than you might like. with a stranger, that risk is always present.

the times that i've been in threesomes, they've exclusively involved someone else being added to a relationship i was in with someone else. so i can't provide any guidance along those lines and others here are much more knowledgeable that way.

you've successfully avoided mentioning whether you are seeking to add a man or woman to the mix. if that's intentional, that's OK, but more specific information tends to yield more relevant suggestions.

a question both of you should consider whether you'd be OK with the other calling out someone else's name during orgasm.

ed

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I really like your advice about potentially calling out someone else's name in bed.I hadn't thought of that, but it's interesting to consider.

I didn't intentionally leave out who we were looking to add, I just didn't think to add it. We're open to either, but would probably lean towards F. I've had an MMF threesome before, and it wasn't terribly successful, so I would prefer F and my husband feels the same for the time being.

aquitainienne said:

I really like your advice about potentially calling out someone else's name in bed.I hadn't thought of that, but it's interesting to consider.

I didn't intentionally leave out who we were looking to add, I just didn't think to add it. We're open to either, but would probably lean towards F. I've had an MMF threesome before, and it wasn't terribly successful, so I would prefer F and my husband feels the same for the time being.

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If I may ask,what went wrong in your previous MMF?

aquitainienne said:

So, I could use some practical advice. My husband and I have talked about having a threesome since shortly after we met. We're both into the idea, but it has just never happened. Lately we've both decided that we would really like to make this fantasy a reality, but we're stuck on the mechanics of meeting people. We aren't looking for a relationship, but we do want to make a connection with people. I guess I am just not sure how to bring it up to anyone I think might be interested. I guess asking someone out can be intimidating no matter what the circumstances, but I'm finding this particular one very confusing. Any thoughts?

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Don't do it. Threesomes are awkward and weird. It might be time to start thinking about a divorce.

Gerry_111 said:

List of do's and don'ts could help the proceedings going smoothly.

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Ground rules are crucial. Great advice!

lynn-23 said:

If I may ask,what went wrong in your previous MMF?

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lynn-23 said:

If I may ask,what went wrong in your previous MMF?

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My previous MMF (which was in a different relationship) was very awkward because the guy we brought in was much more emotionally invested than he said up front. He was under the impression that it would be an opportunity to show how much better he was than my significant other, and hoped that I would eventually leave him. When he found out that wasn't the case, it effected his performance and ultimately ended the friendship. My relationship weathered it pretty well, and ended much later for other reasons. The whole thing just kind of makes me want to move in a different direction.

aquitainienne said:

So, I could use some practical advice. My husband and I have talked about having a threesome since shortly after we met. We're both into the idea, but it has just never happened. Lately we've both decided that we would really like to make this fantasy a reality, but we're stuck on the mechanics of meeting people. We aren't looking for a relationship, but we do want to make a connection with people. I guess I am just not sure how to bring it up to anyone I think might be interested. I guess asking someone out can be intimidating no matter what the circumstances, but I'm finding this particular one very confusing. Any thoughts?

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As much as I hate Craigslist, this is one case I am going to suggest Craigslist, not to post an ad, but to see how other couples look for a third. Go to Craigslist personals and look under "Casual Encounters" > "MW4M or MW4W", which ever you prefer. Then search major cities to see how other couples post/search. Both you and your husband should do this search together. Then together, decide exactly what you want this encounter to be.

When you are ready to start searching for real, make the point in your ad, (whether it's here on Lit, Craigslist or anyplace else), that you are new at this and you are going to take your time to find the *right* person. And stress the word *right*! On Craigslist, half the ads or posted by freaks or prostitutes, (or both), and the person you are looking for is going to be as cautious as yourself. Particularly on Craigslist, you are going to find respondents who will make the point they don't want endless emails, they want to meet right now. Pass up the ones who are in too big of a hurry. People who are real are usually cautious. You can also put in the ad that this may be a onetime thing, or it might be an ongoing thing. You haven't decided yet.

Your first experience is your most important. If it goes badly, it can become an ongoing problem in a marriage; however, if it goes well, you might want to consider meeting someone with whom you are comfortable. I would suggest meeting someone new for the first time. If it goes badly, you don't have to see them again, and if it goes well, you have a new friend.

Exchange emails until all are comfortable, then meet in a neutral place. If everything seems right, then the three of you decide how you want to proceed.

Most importantly, take your time and be *VERY, VERY* selective. Just because someone is willing, doesn't mean it is the right person.

I realize this isn't your first time, but it is your husband's first, so you should approach it as being a first as a couple.

Harold_Hill said:

As much as I hate Craigslist, this is one case I am going to suggest Craigslist, not to post an ad, but to see how other couples look for a third. Go to Craigslist personals and look under "Casual Encounters" > "MW4M or MW4W", which ever you prefer. Then search major cities to see how other couples post/search. Both you and your husband should do this search together. Then together, decide exactly what you want this encounter to be.

When you are ready to start searching for real, make the point in your ad, (whether it's here on Lit, Craigslist or anyplace else), that you are new at this and you are going to take your time to find the *right* person. And stress the word *right*! On Craigslist, half the ads or posted by freaks or prostitutes, (or both), and the person you are looking for is going to be as cautious as yourself. Particularly on Craigslist, you are going to find respondents who will make the point they don't want endless emails, they want to meet right now. Pass up the ones who are in too big of a hurry. People who are real are usually cautious. You can also put in the ad that this may be a onetime thing, or it might be an ongoing thing. You haven't decided yet.

Your first experience is your most important. If it goes badly, it can become an ongoing problem in a marriage; however, if it goes well, you might want to consider meeting someone with whom you are comfortable. I would suggest meeting someone new for the first time. If it goes badly, you don't have to see them again, and if it goes well, you have a new friend.

Exchange emails until all are comfortable, then meet in a neutral place. If everything seems right, then the three of you decide how you want to proceed.

Most importantly, take your time and be *VERY, VERY* selective. Just because someone is willing, doesn't mean it is the right person.

I realize this isn't your first time, but it is your husband's first, so you should approach it as being a first as a couple.

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Very good advice.
I say that from a couple of recent experiences being the extra F in FFM threesomes recently.

Also it makes a difference if the woman of the couple is involved and interested.

We have done a few FMF threesomes. The first followed years of searching for a suitable and interested third. At first we identified some of her friends as candidates, but we were never able to work up the nerve to pop the question. There was one in particular who seemed like a real possibility, but she moved out of state on short notice and we never heard from her again.

We eventually abandoned the idea of approaching an acquaintance, and turned to the internet to find a stranger. We eventually found one, and it worked out well.

The second time was a random event. We were out of town on New Year's Eve celebrating at a very large nightclub. A drunken woman latched onto my wife, and eventually we ended up driving her home for a short, sloppy, alcohol impaired nightcap. That was entirely a matter of being at the right place at the right time.

I don't know where you live, and that makes a difference in what strategy is most likely to work. What doesn't work is hanging out in lesbian bars hoping to find a single curious bisexual woman.

Another thing you might consider, instead of seeking a third male or female for a bedroom encounter, looking for a married couple with interest similar to your own. There are married couples, (ranging from heterosexual to bisexual, or combinations thereof), who are not swingers open to sex with just anyone, but prefer an occasional encounter with another couple. While checking Craigslist Personals for MW4W and MW4M, you might also check MW4MW. There are married couples who seek soft swap, (same room sex, but not swapping partners), to full swap, (swapping partners in whatever manner agree on before forehand). Another couple can provide possibilities that a single male or female cannot provide. You might find it helpful to do a wider range of research before you decide what you want to do. Also, you're going to find that good communication, not only between you and your husband, but with the person/persons you are going to invite into your bedroom is key to a successful encounter. Especially for your first time as a couple, you don't want any surprises.

Sorry to keep adding posts, but another thought popped into my mind. If you do decide to post on Craigslist, (unless you are into drugs and that lifestyle), you might want to stay away from ads that contain words like skater/sk8er, poppers, lollypops, party favors, and 420 friendly. These are often people looking to trade sex for drugs. When the primary focus of the poster is sex for drugs, there is likely an increased risk of STDs.

Frankly, I'd suggest making a trip to Nevada or someplace where prostitution is fully legalized and hiring a professional. You'll have less chance at picking up an STD than trolling the bars or Craigslist, but will be able to find a partner to whom both you and your husband is attracted. It also reduces any potential negative blowback; emotional attachments, social censure, charges of workplace harassment, potential for gossip, etc.

.....

There are numerous web sites for couples looking to find a partner(s).
If you're looking for a female I'm assuming you (the wife) is interested in bi action.
These sites will list contacts by states and cities so you have a wide variety of places to go, if you don't want to meet someone locally.

With todays web sites it will be easy to meet someone. The biigest chalenge is agreeing on who.

Best of luck.

I have had six threesome experiences. Of those, ONLY ONE was a positive experience. There are so many dynamics that come into play that the chance of having an experience that matches your fantasies is very small. In reality, some fantasies are better left as fantasies.

The #1 problem with a threesome is keeping all three people active and involved at all times. This sounds easy. In reality, it is almost an impossibility. A bad experience begins when one of the three people feels left out of the action. Things can get real ugly ... real fast.

Your future experience may be entirely different than mine. So, follow your dreams (fantasies) with your eyes wide open to the downside and take the plunge. It may be the most sexual fun you've ever had!

If you are looking for another MALE, start thinking about men you already know that may be open to a threesome. Truly, this is your best option for a potentially positive experience.

As previously mentioned, finding another male online is an option ... and an easy option at that. However, you really never know what you are getting into until you get to the point of action. Example: Many guys can really sell themselves online and even during cyber sex. However, when it comes to performing sexually in front of another male (especially a naked, sexually-aroused male), he is unable to perform to any degree at all.

Real life is far different than porn.

If you are looking for another FEMALE, think about women you know who might be interested or curious about experiencing a threesome.

Another option, and the best option based on my experience, is to hire an escort who caters to couples. The escort is a professional who can guide and direct the activities of your experience. But ... you need to hire a PROFESSIONAL escort. DO NOT hire an escort found on Craigslist or Backpage as these ladies are usually nothing more than cyber streetwalkers. You need to go through a PROFESSIONAL escort service like P411, Date Check, etc. For a couple, you can expect to pay between $600 and $1,000 for the service of a professional escort. Based on my experience, the money you spend for a professional female (escort) makes all the difference in the world for your chances of having a positive experience if you are looking for a second female.

Again, real life is far different than porn. Do all you can to stack the odds in your favor. Learn all you can from the mistakes and bad experiences of others.

Our experience

aquitainienne said:

So, I could use some practical advice. My husband and I have talked about having a threesome since shortly after we met. We're both into the idea, but it has just never happened. Lately we've both decided that we would really like to make this fantasy a reality, but we're stuck on the mechanics of meeting people. We aren't looking for a relationship, but we do want to make a connection with people. I guess I am just not sure how to bring it up to anyone I think might be interested. I guess asking someone out can be intimidating no matter what the circumstances, but I'm finding this particular one very confusing. Any thoughts?

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Our experience was much like yours. We thought about our friends as perspective partners but ruled that out - didn't want to ruin a friendship if they weren't interested, even though we were very much interested in them. We looked online for swing clubs and found an "off premise" club within 50 miles. We really weren't comfortable with one in our town for fear of being recognized (more about that later.)

These gatherings are frequently in a bar/lounge connected to a hotel/motel. Get a room there. The "off premise" means there is no actual nudity or sex in the club. We found the people most friendly and eager to meet newbies. First of all, nobody is there by mistake. You won't hear "Oh, I thought this was the Smith wedding reception." Everybody is there with the same interests. You pay an entrance fee of about $50/couple and it is pretty much limited to couples or single women. Single guys usually have to accompanied by a couple and they pay a stiff entrance fee.

Pretty much everyone is dressed pretty nice and the women sexy. Making new friends is encouraged. Asking people to dance or sit with you is expected. It's hard not to be shy the first time, and there is so much to take in. Seductive dancing, probably not with the partner they came in with, kissing on the dance floor, a little groping, sexy games, etc. So look, enjoy and join in.

We found that most of the couples were in long time, secure marriages looking for adventure just like us. Some are there to meet full swing/swap partners, some looking for a third for a threesome, some just looking. It's Ok to just look. Everyone is there because they are interested in some aspect of sex. Not everyone swaps. Many couples just dance with others, flirt, grope and leave with their partner to fuck like bunnies back at home/hotel.

A lot of couples are looking for the elusive single woman to join them in a threesome. If you are one, you will be in demand. If you are looking for one it would be best to let the wife lead the search. There is a lot of interaction, flirting, kissing, groping, dancing between the women. Our best experience was with women my wife found. If you are looking for a single guy your search will be easy. We also found that 3 couples easily make 2 threesomes. We preferred threesomes or swapping in the same room.

Have a good time but don't get drunk. You will want to remember this night, you will get thrown out if rowdy, and you won't be able to get it up if you do meet someone and go back to the room. Also, no means no. The women are in charge at these events.

Our first time at one of these we found a couple we really liked. Turned out they lived less than a mile from us. They didn't want to be recognized in their hometown either! We were long time friends with benefits. Their hot tub on cold snowy nights was great.

Go, enjoy, and don't expect too much on the first visit.

one2many said:

Our experience was much like yours. We thought about our friends as perspective partners but ruled that out - didn't want to ruin a friendship if they weren't interested, even though we were very much interested in them. We looked online for swing clubs and found an "off premise" club within 50 miles. We really weren't comfortable with one in our town for fear of being recognized (more about that later.)

These gatherings are frequently in a bar/lounge connected to a hotel/motel. Get a room there. The "off premise" means there is no actual nudity or sex in the club. We found the people most friendly and eager to meet newbies. First of all, nobody is there by mistake. You won't hear "Oh, I thought this was the Smith wedding reception." Everybody is there with the same interests. You pay an entrance fee of about $50/couple and it is pretty much limited to couples or single women. Single guys usually have to accompanied by a couple and they pay a stiff entrance fee.

Pretty much everyone is dressed pretty nice and the women sexy. Making new friends is encouraged. Asking people to dance or sit with you is expected. It's hard not to be shy the first time, and there is so much to take in. Seductive dancing, probably not with the partner they came in with, kissing on the dance floor, a little groping, sexy games, etc. So look, enjoy and join in.

We found that most of the couples were in long time, secure marriages looking for adventure just like us. Some are there to meet full swing/swap partners, some looking for a third for a threesome, some just looking. It's Ok to just look. Everyone is there because they are interested in some aspect of sex. Not everyone swaps. Many couples just dance with others, flirt, grope and leave with their partner to fuck like bunnies back at home/hotel.

A lot of couples are looking for the elusive single woman to join them in a threesome. If you are one, you will be in demand. If you are looking for one it would be best to let the wife lead the search. There is a lot of interaction, flirting, kissing, groping, dancing between the women. Our best experience was with women my wife found. If you are looking for a single guy your search will be easy. We also found that 3 couples easily make 2 threesomes. We preferred threesomes or swapping in the same room.

Have a good time but don't get drunk. You will want to remember this night, you will get thrown out if rowdy, and you won't be able to get it up if you do meet someone and go back to the room. Also, no means no. The women are in charge at these events.

Our first time at one of these we found a couple we really liked. Turned out they lived less than a mile from us. They didn't want to be recognized in their hometown either! We were long time friends with benefits. Their hot tub on cold snowy nights was great.

Go, enjoy, and don't expect too much on the first visit.

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Excellent summary. The only point I might disagree with is the suggestion that swinger clubs are a good place to find single women. They are there, but they're outnumbered by the other couples also looking to hook up with a single woman. In our experience, the ratio is around 10 or 20:1 on any given night.

In the long run, working out various combinations with other couples is the most effective way to achieve the fun the OP seeks.

I have had several FFM threesomes with my partner C. The story of our first one is here: http://www.literotica.com/s/swingers-first-ffm-threesome

Submitting that story is what drew me to the forums. There has been some good advice in this thread, but a lot of negativity too, which I think is unwarranted. If you are sensible about how you go about it, a threesome should be mind-blowing for all concerned.

The key is to be completely honest with yourselves and a prospective third. If you are completely comfortable as a couple with what you want from the experience and considerate of what a leap of faith someone is taking to be welcomed into your bed, you are probably way ahead of most couples looking for threesomes.

All of ours were strangers who we met through the swinging site Fab.This is a good site to use because it has a verification system that allows you to gauge people before contacting them. If you are looking for a single bisexual woman to join you as a couple, you will find that there are a LOT of men pretending to be women!

Personally, I wouldn't recommend a swinger club for meeting single women, but you may have some luck meeting couples. But then you are more likely to be invited to take part in a foursome than a threesome. But clubs are fun anyway, and worth a visit at least for the experience and to get to know some people in your local scene.

Lady is the boss.....

We have had our fun with a 3sum more than once. The one rule is K is always in charge , if she doesn't like sumthing we stop , she is to sexy to upset and we respect her. It is fun for us all but when the jealousy steps in or being bossy it always puts a dent in the night or day. Talk it over first and make sure you both want this , could be a good way to keep that spark in the relationship. We talked about a 3sum when we were dating for a year and then 1 day we talked about it again.

We met sum people over drinks , a lounge , a sports bar and even at a supper out . All were great people but we never had a click with them , ne pressure on us , we just waited till we met some one. Then 1 day a friend talked to us. Went from there.

tasteyourthighs said:

We have had our fun with a 3sum more than once. The one rule is K is always in charge , if she doesn't like sumthing we stop , she is to sexy to upset and we respect her. It is fun for us all but when the jealousy steps in or being bossy it always puts a dent in the night or day. Talk it over first and make sure you both want this , could be a good way to keep that spark in the relationship. We talked about a 3sum when we were dating for a year and then 1 day we talked about it again.

We met sum people over drinks , a lounge , a sports bar and even at a supper out . All were great people but we never had a click with them , ne pressure on us , we just waited till we met some one. Then 1 day a friend talked to us. Went from there.

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Were your threesomes mfm or fmf?