Celibacy

I don't know if this is the right place, but is anyone else celibate (either by choice or not), married or single? I am married and have been essentially celibate (not by choice) for about 5 years and I can only assume it will not change.

I still have sexual desires and fantasies and enjoy reading erotica. I am just curious if anyone else on Lit has experienced this or understands it - being a sexual person without actually having any sexual contact? I'm lonely in the sense that I really don't have anyone in my life I can discuss this with - friends, sisters, etc. (I have friends and family - I just don't feel comfortable discussing this.)

Anyway - not looking for a hook up - just wondering if I'm not the only one in this situation.

You are not the only one. Have you checked out the married and not getting any threads?

LadyVer said:

You are not the only one. Have you checked out the married and not getting any threads?

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I have looked at married and looking but i'm not exactly looking. i just would love to meet someone or at least know i am not alone.

ohwhynot77 said:

I have looked at married and looking but i'm not exactly looking. i just would love to meet someone or at least know i am not alone.

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Try the Happily Married but Sexually Unfulfilled thread.. I would guees at least half the people on Lit are here because they belong to this category. But, I'm guessing.

yup. in club

41, married. 3 years none for me

I can understand women who aren't getting sex in their marriage, but it baffles me when men come around here and say their wives won't give it up.

Oh yeah. Involuntarily celibate for over two years... And, even that wasn't quite ... ahem, satisfying. Oh, and I'm single, btw.

pfflyerhot said:

Oh yeah. Involuntarily celibate for over two years... And, even that wasn't quite ... ahem, satisfying. Oh, and I'm single, btw.

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Sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know what's worse dating or being celibate! Hang in there it will get better.

Im in the same boat as you :-(

OH yes. and the main reason why I am trying to leave him ass.

Being in a marriage to a woman you love with little to no intimate contact can be supremely frustrating. I love my wife and have children so divorce for me is not an option for a few more years. It isn't really a situation that you can discuss with people who aren't in a similar situation because the standard advise is either, get a divorce, or have an affair. Neither situation is appealing to me at all for a variety of reasons. If I didn't have kids I would have been out the door and on with my life. I don't understand people who get married and as soon as the damn ring is on their finger and a few kids come along their sex drive disappears. I often joke that I know right where a woman's g spot is, it's right there on the ring finger. Put a ring on it and it goes away!

I have been a member here for a while but an infrequent visitor and now a first time poster. I have been in a long marriage, 28 years. The last 5 have seen a decreasing amount of sex and none for almost 2 years. This is her choice, not mine. Very frustrating as still care very much for her.

I've been married 27 years. Many of those years were very good sexually, then it gradually tapered off, and somewhere along the way it became none. I quit counting how long it's been. We've talked and the reasons are complicated.

There is much more to a long term relationship than just sex. But when I'm horny it's hard to remember what else is important.

HussarVanburen said:

I can understand women who aren't getting sex in their marriage, but it baffles me when men come around here and say their wives won't give it up.

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And I'm very curious why you say this. What do you mean? Why would it baffle you?

You're certainly not the only one. I'm not married, I just find that women just don't see me in that sort of way. The hardest thing about it is not knowing what it is that's wrong with me, and feeling rejected and unlovable all the time. And knowing that there's obviously something wrong with me that puts women off, but not knowing what it is there therefor not being able to do anything about it.

It must be hard being in a sexless marriage. I imagine you feel very trapped and hopeless.

AnnRann said:

And I'm very curious why you say this. What do you mean? Why would it baffle you?

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Because your woman must serve you irrespective of her desire to do so.

The entire purpose of marriage is to have a woman whom you have unlimited sexual access to. Otherwise, there is no purpose whatsoever. It's a duty for a wife to please her husband.

Moreover, if your wife isn't giving it up, why don't you have a girl on the side? So long as she's not married, it is not adultery. And no woman can complain if she won't fuck you that you're fucking someone else. This is, I suppose, the option for men not manly enough to demand what's theirs. At the very least, they'll still be satisfied.

In other words, you have two options:

1. Man up and make your wife give you what's yours by right.

2. Take up with a mistress. Be sure she's not married.

You're a coward or half a man if you do not do one of these things.

To the other men in this thread, I am going to give you unsolicited advice:

Be very clear with your wives. Tell them their duties and their obligations to you. And lay out precisely what you shall do if they do not fulfill them. That is to say, if you are not willing to make it abundantly clear to them your intentions by a more direct manner, then tell them that you shall be taking up with a mistress if they do not provide you with what you desire in the bed room.

Be blunt, be candid, and be serious.

Either you shall get what you want from her or from another woman as a consequence of this.

HussarVanburen said:

To the other men in this thread, I am going to give you unsolicited advice:

Be very clear with your wives. Tell them their duties and their obligations to you. And lay out precisely what you shall do if they do not fulfill them. That is to say, if you are not willing to make it abundantly clear to them your intentions by a more direct manner, then tell them that you shall be taking up with a mistress if they do not provide you with what you desire in the bed room.

Be blunt, be candid, and be serious.

Either you shall get what you want from her or from another woman as a consequence of this.

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That's all fine and dandy if you don't have kids. Blowing up a kids life because you aren't getting laid on a regular basis is pretty damn selfish. I never knew a time when my parents were married and growing up with divorced parents sucked. I don't know if you have kids or have ever been married but its easy to tell your wife to 'give it up' or I'm out the door but, threatening to leave is pointless unless you are ready to leave. If you are ready then just leave threatening is pointless, just leave. I've been telling my wife for years that I'm not happy with our love life and it hasn't made a difference. Some problems don't have an easy solution and this one of them.

whisperman71 said:

That's all fine and dandy if you don't have kids. Blowing up a kids life because you aren't getting laid on a regular basis is pretty damn selfish. I never knew a time when my parents were married and growing up with divorced parents sucked. I don't know if you have kids or have ever been married but its easy to tell your wife to 'give it up' or I'm out the door but, threatening to leave is pointless unless you are ready to leave. If you are ready then just leave threatening is pointless, just leave. I've been telling my wife for years that I'm not happy with our love life and it hasn't made a difference. Some problems don't have an easy solution and this one of them.

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I am not suggesting leaving. I am suggesting taking up a mistress. You don't have to leave your wife. You can keep her around. You can retain her in her position of honour in your house, if you are intent on keeping her around for the sake of children. But you shall tell your wife that you shall have another woman whom shall satisfy you. If she doesn't like it, well, you can tell her to change her tune about sex. Very simply: She has a way to stop you from taking a mistress if she begins to provide for your desire.

If a woman truly does not wish for sex, then she cannot rightfully claim your sexual fidelity to her. I mean seriously. If she won't provide for your needs, then what basis can she object to you seeking that in another woman?

And again, I offered another option. It's up to you not to take advantage of that one over the mistress. I am really ambivalent to your choice. But ultimately, you not getting sex is up to -you-.

Ahem....excuse me, but adultery is when a married person has sexual relations with someone other than their lawful spouse. It makes no difference whether your sexual dalliance is married or not. You, the married person, would still be an adulterer.

Thank you for answering my questions HussarVanburen.

I do disagree with what you are saying though as far as marriage goes. I believe that the structure of a marriage is unique and individual to the couple who are married and it is their right to decide what the purpose of the relationship is and how it is conducted.

HussarVanburen said:

If a woman truly does not wish for sex, then she cannot rightfully claim your sexual fidelity to her. I mean seriously. If she won't provide for your needs, then what basis can she object to you seeking that in another woman?

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And what if I changed this around a little bit....

"If a man truly does not wish for sex, then he cannot rightfully claim your sexual fidelity to him. I mean seriously. If he won't provide for your needs, then what basis can he object to you seeking that in another man?"

AnnRann said:

Thank you for answering my questions HussarVanburen.

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You're very much welcome.

I do disagree with what you are saying though as far as marriage goes. I believe that the structure of a marriage is unique and individual to the couple who are married and it is their right to decide what the purpose of the relationship is and how it is conducted.

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Fair enough. I am inclined to think that things ought to follow an ideal pattern established in the logic and purpose of the institution.

And what if I changed this around a little bit....

"If a man truly does not wish for sex, then he cannot rightfully claim your sexual fidelity to him. I mean seriously. If he won't provide for your needs, then what basis can he object to you seeking that in another man?"

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I don't know why everyone insists on testing whether I have double standards, when it is quite clear that I whole heartedly endorse double standards. They are there for a reason.

So the answer is: No. The man is the active principle in the relationship. It is therefore wrong for the woman to seek sexual gratification outside the relationship, even if the man is not interested in her. The possessed does not have the right of action.

However, okay, let's talk "hypothetical egalitarianism" (I do not endorse this reasoning). If a man is truly not interested in sex with his wife, and his wife wants sex, then what precisely does he object to her whoring around? I mean, what's the problem for him? She wants X, he doesn't want X, why can't she get X with someone else?

It would be a sort of pathological selfishness of deprivation and refusal. If you so desire to refuse, then allow it to be done in another fashion.

Of course, as I note: I don't endorse this when it comes to women. Only when it comes to men. A woman has no right to demand sex from her husband. She owes -him-, not the other way around. But I question why any man would not DESIRE sex with his wife, when the the big reason to HAVE a wife is to have her open to your sexual advances.

Views expressed here by hussar are expressed in a way that is less palatable to western ears but the concept is valid. For a MUCH kinder gentler an equally valid approach that will basically will yield the same result siee married man sex life by Athol Kaye.

Traditional roles were working comfortably for thousands of years for reasons.... sure you can put a modern spin on it but if you throw the baby out with the bathwater you get what we have and modern times which is broken homes all over the place.

Yeah yeah plenty of people are going to jump up and down and scream about the patriarchy and how women have been mistreated for eon's on only through modern feminism have they finally acheived happiness. Really? They're happy???They don't look like it. And I can tell you statistically their children don't like it.

SOME HARD TRUTHS ARE VERY HARD TO EXPRESS WITHOUT SOUNDING MISOGYNISTIC AS THE TERM IS APPLIED THESE DAYS.

If you want to believe that the best way to pick up a girl is to be her friend zone...cater obsequeously to her from the friend zone and then work your friendship carefully and methodically from the friend zone into a sexual relationship: Good luck with that

There's another blog that's also fairly gentle called gaming your wife.

The concept is you have to build attraction with women if you want to get laid...Taking out the garbage and caring for the children and doing dishes will not get you laid. The recent study was designed to prove that men who take the burden of housework off of modern women get laid more often and it ended up prove resoundingly exactly the opposite.

Women like strong men. The longer you accept a celibate marital bed the less attractive you will be as a man to her.

I don't think I would go with the approach of "put out or I'll get a mistress" but if she's not putting out you need to take care of yourself go to the gym get some nice clothes get a good haircut spend some time out with the boys let her wonder whether you're having an affair or not.

Women like to say that men don't like women that are too easy that we like women that are hard to get.


That's b******* of course all men love easy women we like getting laid.

What they're doing is projecting....all women like men who are hard to get so be hard to get don't be obsequeous.

I finally learned ...but I learn too little too late.

By the way I didn't catch whether the original poster was coming from a female or a male perpective nor subsequent posters..I haven't sorted out genders as of yet.

Hussars advice but with a different tactic is also valid for women who are not getting laid by their husbands.


Sex is part of marriage or there's no point in being married.

Mostly things I learned from mistakes I made in a two-decade long disaster that in hindsight was fixable .... I know what I would tell a man.


With women I'm not quite sure how to apply the advice but I'm sure the advice still works.

If he's not putting out ....take care of yourself -have girls night out, maintain your figure, do not allow his lack of attention to drag down your self esteem.

Work on being attractive to other men... I'm not suggesting you have an affair I'm suggesting you be in a position that you could if you wanted to which is going to piqie his interest.


And to the the sniveling lap dog that's insulting hussar because culturally he comes from a place where the men are men and the women or women, grow up what makes you think that you can impose your Western moral's on someone from another culture?

What makes your morals superior? By their fruits you shall know them...Has Western civilization shown stability in families and marriages?

I also would sense hussar is multi lingual.

I was think it is even worse than being a grammar nazi when people pick on others because English is not their first language how many languages do you speak as well as a native speaker you little a******???

Let me know when you guys want to start comparing dick sizes so far I guess we're only telling her height and weight I'm five foot eight and a buck fifty and I'm not afraid of either of you.


Probably because both of you pussies hail from New York City where men are not men because they don't understand that ever since God gave the Chinese gunpowder muscles are obsolete.


And if you want to meet me you're going to have to pack a lunch I live 45 miles from the nearest Walmart

You can blame feminism all you want, but marriages were miserable before feminism and they're just as miserable now. There were broken homes and divorce before feminism. Of course back in the old days, broken homes, divorce, and feminism were taboo subjects, so it's easy to say that everything is worse these days, and of course, as usual, the blame is laid at feminism and women. Some things never change.

The most unattractive guys are the guys who have to stomp on women in order to feel like a man. That would make me celibate in an instant.