Humor Thread
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Crudebug
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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
Crudebug
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Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
Crudebug
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Dave took Mary to the doctor. After an extensive examination the doctor said, "I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's mind is completely gone."
Dave replied, "I'm not surprised. It's amazing that it lasted this long. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past seven years!"
Dave replied, "I'm not surprised. It's amazing that it lasted this long. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past seven years!"
Crudebug
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A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years, doing what's natural for men and women to do. After these two years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So..........
..........THEY BURIED HER !!!!
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years, doing what's natural for men and women to do. After these two years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So..........
..........THEY BURIED HER !!!!
redpaint
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We'll add your Grandson to our prayer list for his safe return.
Crudebug
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Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Paris to London flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money.
He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered, "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to. Here is some advice for you. Stay away from Birmingham."
My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him.
"No...." he whispered back.... "It's a shithole."
He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered, "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to. Here is some advice for you. Stay away from Birmingham."
My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him.
"No...." he whispered back.... "It's a shithole."
Crudebug
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Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'Grandma Moses of Jail'.
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?" He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating......"
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'Grandma Moses of Jail'.
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?" He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating......"
DG Hear
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Crudebug
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Dang Crude your killing me
Keep'em coming Bro. You sure now how to charm the women folk
Just fun'n with ya.
lmao RP... now doncha go letting the women suspect that I am not a cad..
can't afford to let my reputation go soft.. then they'll walk all over me...
I might not be the flavour of the month for the ladies of the Lit,, but then,, hey. mebbe this is not the season for bugs.. looks like I'm giving some indigestion.. lol
Last edited:
Crudebug
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Dyslexic Cinderella
THIS IS BEST IF READ OUT LOUD
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
And they all lived happily ever after.
THIS IS BEST IF READ OUT LOUD
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Crudebug
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A man and a woman are driving in the car when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and brings it back into the car. She says: "It looks cold, what should I do?"
He says: "Put it between your legs."
She says: "What about the smell?"
He says: "Hold its nose."
A recent medical bulletin quoted surgeons saying, slivers of skunk bone were still being pulled out of his battered skull. Police have dropped charges of animal cruelty and killing wild life, as it is impossible to establish if the skunk died in a toxic atmosphere or from being battered into the man's brain.
He says: "Put it between your legs."
She says: "What about the smell?"
He says: "Hold its nose."
A recent medical bulletin quoted surgeons saying, slivers of skunk bone were still being pulled out of his battered skull. Police have dropped charges of animal cruelty and killing wild life, as it is impossible to establish if the skunk died in a toxic atmosphere or from being battered into the man's brain.
Crudebug
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A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
Crudebug
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Aromatherapy
ALERT !!!!! Terrifying STINKBOMB planted on this thread..
this joke literally STINKS!!!!
Akmed went to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only there a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.
The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
ALERT !!!!! Terrifying STINKBOMB planted on this thread..
this joke literally STINKS!!!!
Akmed went to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only there a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.
The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
Crudebug
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Dr. CHUNG
CHINESE ACCENT RECOMMENDED
A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room."
Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery, reery fass back to me." Once again, she obliged.
Dr Chung slowly shook his head and said, "Hokay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you have no dates, that why you no get sex."
Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr Chung replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse!"
CHINESE ACCENT RECOMMENDED
A woman was depressed at the fact she had not had a date, nor any sex for quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her personal physician recommended Dr Chung, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
On entering the examination room, Dr Chung took one look at her and said, "Hokay, take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
"Now," said Dr Chung, "get dow on your knees and craw reery reery fass away from me to other side of room."
Having done that Dr Chung said, "Hokay, turn row and craw reery, reery fass back to me." Once again, she obliged.
Dr Chung slowly shook his head and said, "Hokay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you got Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you have no dates, that why you no get sex."
Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr Chung replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse!"
Crudebug
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Condom week
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR HOSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOUR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE
22. IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR HOSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOUR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE
22. IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON
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