Most Personal Story

This is the first story I've written in a while (the others I've published were written years before the Literotica publishing date listed). It was a long time coming and is the most personal I've written.

I'd be interested in reader feedback/comments/etc. either here or at the end of the story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/so-intimate

Thanks!

Erica

I thought it was lovely. I left a comment and rated it a 5.

MelissaBaby said:

I thought it was lovely. I left a comment and rated it a 5.

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Thank you so much Melissa! I so appreciate you taking the time to read it.

Erica

ericahope said:

Thank you so much Melissa! I so appreciate you taking the time to read it.

Erica

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I know from my own experience how frightening, yet how exhilarating, it is to write such a personal story. Congratulations on not only putting yourself out there for readers, but for doing it so eloquently.

Hello Erica, I want to read it but I can't right now, so I'll just post here for a reminder: I'll be back to you

Hello Melissa

Lesbian stories hold no interest for me so initially I gave this one a miss. I have no idea what age group is the norm in stories in this category.

I surprisingly found it enjoyable, probably because the ladies are middle aged.

In fact the only reason I read it at all was because I saw Melissa had given it a favourable response. Even so I was surprised I actually got to the end.

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ericahope said:

This is the first story I've written in a while (the others I've published were written years before the Literotica publishing date listed). It was a long time coming and is the most personal I've written.

I'd be interested in reader feedback/comments/etc. either here or at the end of the story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/so-intimate

Thanks!

Erica

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What kind of feedback would you like? Just thoughts and comments?

I enjoyed so many parts of this story. I loved the slow build up. I loved the way they’d met and the allusion to things they’d chatted about online. I loved the invitation to explore the others house because that’s a true sign of intimacy.

I was really drawn to the discussion between them on their body issues. I will qualify the fact that I am a man and women of virtually all descriptions are beautiful to me. But you dealt with body issues in a very realistic and open-minded way. I loved that.

I read story in the backseat of a very bumpy truck on the way home tonight. After I can read it again under more sedate circumstances, I will comment directly to the story. Look forward to more submisssions.

I enjoyed the slow build. Nicely done.

MelissaBaby said:

I know from my own experience how frightening, yet how exhilarating, it is to write such a personal story. Congratulations on not only putting yourself out there for readers, but for doing it so eloquently.

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That means a lot, thank you Melissa.

Emirus said:

Lesbian stories hold no interest for me so initially I gave this one a miss. I have no idea what age group is the norm in stories in this category.

I surprisingly found it enjoyable, probably because the ladies are middle aged.

In fact the only reason I read it at all was because I saw Melissa had given it a favourable response. Even so I was surprised I actually got to the end.

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I'm glad you got to the end, even in a category that isn't your favorite. Occasionally I run into stories I don't expect to enjoy and it's fun! Thank you for your kind reply and comment.

Erica

AwkwardMD said:

What kind of feedback would you like? Just thoughts and comments?

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I'm looking for any response...complimentary, critical, random thoughts, etc. The only thing I don't care for is non-specific critical comments like "that sucked!"

Erica

nosebone said:

I enjoyed so many parts of this story. I loved the slow build up. I loved the way they’d met and the allusion to things they’d chatted about online. I loved the invitation to explore the others house because that’s a true sign of intimacy.

I was really drawn to the discussion between them on their body issues. I will qualify the fact that I am a man and women of virtually all descriptions are beautiful to me. But you dealt with body issues in a very realistic and open-minded way. I loved that.

I read story in the backseat of a very bumpy truck on the way home tonight. After I can read it again under more sedate circumstances, I will comment directly to the story. Look forward to more submisssions.

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I'm glad you enjoyed the realism of it. It's definitely pretty real to me. I like that in stories I read too. Thank you for reading and bothering to comment!

Erica

TANSTAAFL58 said:

I enjoyed the slow build. Nicely done.

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You're welcome. Thank you for the comment you left!

Erica

Intimate familiarity

It starts off slow and gains momentum as it progresses. I was thinking, as I read, if this story was a movie, it would be one of those small, low cost movies from the 90's indie explosion, or a quiet foreign film from Blockbuster. The kind I used to watch in small movie theaters, one doesn't see much of these days. I'm not going to say it stands out. Somehow, I think it's a good thing. The women do and say mundane things that make them more real than what you usually see in these type of stories. It's appropriate to the story's theme. Steamy scenes towards the end; a wistful ending. Nice, quiet, and . . . intimate.

So some of what follows is cut and pasted from another review I just gave because the lesson is the same.

As authors, there are many tools in our tool box. Tools have specific purposes. Not every tool is used on every job, but there are some that see a lot of action. The most powerful tool, regardless of style or personal preference, is the hammer. It can, with the smallest amount of force, apply the largest amount of energy. It must be wielded with care.

Repetition is a 10 lb mallet. When used properly, you can take a throw-away sentence and turn it into the most powerful three words in a story by repeating them. You can turn the aloof love interest of a story into a slave by simply having them repeat what it is that they want. You can also break your story into nothingness by repeating things that don’t need to be repeated.

If your love interest turns to your protagonist and says,

“I want you,”

that’s a direct statement of intent by a confident character.

”I want you.”

“Say it again.”

“I want you.”

With zero narration, this tiny addition completely changes the balance of power between these characters, and it happens with repetition.

”I want you.”

“Say it again.”

“I want you. I want you. I want you. I want you.”

Now it’s ridiculous. When you use a word once, it’s just a word. When you use a word a second time, it’s a marker that makes readers stand up and take note. This is important. When you overuse a word (and in this case the word is "intimate"), you rob it of that importance. In some places, like satire and comedy, robbing a word of its importance can be powerful in its own way, but here it is detrimental. As you stated in your request for feedback, and in your title, and at basically every moment possible, this is an intimate story, except that by the time the actual intimacy shows up we have completely devalued the idea.

Repetition doesn’t just apply to word choice (although it should ALWAYS play a factor in word choice). It applies to themes and foreshadowing. Themes are what make stories more than the sum of their parts, and foreshadowing is the proof by which readers can later dissect a story and trust that you knew what you were doing when you made various stylistic choices. All of that happens as a function of repetition.

In addition to all of that, you had your characters make some odd decisions. At the beginning of the story it is implied that the two characters have spent a long time getting to know each other over a chat program. While it is unclear what level of familiarity they have with each other in the adult sense, you had one suggest an out-of-left-field idea to have no closed doors and complete emotional nakedness. To me, that reads as “we’ve fucked, but now I want to see the real you. Not just the fantasy.”

It clears up later that, no they haven’t fucked, and then the openness feels very… unnatural. In some genres this is called a conceit; a contrivance of the plot to make the story elements work. If, for example, you have a male character whose balls will explode if he doesn’t have sex every two hours and our protagonists job is merely to transport him from A to B but OH NO THEY GOT WAYLAID AND NOW SHE HAS TO FUCK HIM NOBODY SAW THIS COMING, that’s a conceit. Nobody realistically needs sex that often, and you can’t have silly rules governing your world but expect readers to take the consequences seriously.

There is no “will they, won’t they" here. The openness mechanic ensures that no matter where these two start in terms of their relationship, they will end it as lovers. Any tension you attempt to make through this is contrived rather than derived, and that is a powerful distinction that you are on the wrong side of.

***

Needed a break between all of that and this; I really liked your characters. They were flawed, and they were real. They had stress and baggage and obligations (needs) that conflicted with their wants. It was a powerful portrayal of two women that I empathize and identified with, and that’s commendable. You wrote them beautifully. You created believable characters with believable motivations. In a different setup/scenario/life, I would have loved to see more of these two.

P.S. Nothing teaches an author more than exposure to other authors. Read the works of others with a critical eye, and especially with the advice given above fresh in your mind. Watch how other people handle these same problems. More often than not you’ll see they’re making the same mistakes, but it will help you to see how they failed and where you might have done something differently that would be stronger for the change.

While you advertised the story as personal, I still never would have thought that it would progress to all the bathroom and peeing talk that was showcased. In fact I was trying to think of the last time I read a book or story in which intimacy was showcased by being comfortable enough to pee in front of someone, and I wasn't able to do it. So props on the originality.

"Um, some privacy...," Erica said as she began to close the door to the bathroom.

"No, no...remember the rules?" said Jen grinning.

"So you're just going to stand there and talk to me while I pee?!" exclaimed Erica.

"That is like the most unattractive position a woman can be in," commented Jen.

"Oh, you bitch, Jenny!" laughed Erica. "But you're so right. Every body part is like in it's most unattractive position when you're sitting on a toilet seat.

"So unattractive," needled Erica when she saw Jen using the toilet. Jen stuck her tongue out. "Particularly how your pudgy belly sits on your thighs when you crouch,"

So while I might not be able to empathize with the desire to forge a connection in this manner (and thus hindering my read in the process), apparently this wasn't the case for everyone.

AwkwardMD said:

two women that I empathize and identified with

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beerlovr88 said:

While you advertised the story as personal, I still never would have thought that it would progress to all the bathroom and peeing talk that was showcased. In fact I was trying to think of the last time I read a book or story in which intimacy was showcased by being comfortable enough to pee in front of someone, and I wasn't able to do it. So props on the originality.

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You've not seen Eyes Wide Shut then, which established domestic familiarity between a long married couple by showing Nicole Kidman as the wife having a pee, while hubby (Tom Cruise) is tying his tie in front of the bathroom mirror.

I've actually written such a scene, where a woman with a broken spine can't pee (an extremely dangerous situation for someone with paraplegia), and her partner massages her belly so she can. Several paraplegics commented on the intimacy of that short (non-gratuitous) scene.

electricblue66 said:

You've not seen Eyes Wide Shut then

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Even if I had I don't see how it would be relevant to my comment because my stated conditions pertained to reading a book or story -- not watching a movie or show. The only bathroom scene I can think of in a book I've read was when the richest and most powerful man in the city was murdered while on the loo. But of course, this wasn't trying to showcase romantic intimacy between the characters.

electricblue66 said:

I've actually written such a scene, where a woman with a broken spine can't pee (an extremely dangerous situation for someone with paraplegia), and her partner massages her belly so she can. Several paraplegics commented on the intimacy of that short (non-gratuitous) scene.

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The implications of a medical condition is a far cry away from just wanting to watch someone pee so that you can feel a closer, romantic connection with that person. Or in other words, the forging of a special connection can be showcased any number of ways, and I was just surprised that of all possibilities, that the desire to stand directly in front of someone while talking to them and watching them pee would somehow make the cut.

Which like I said, I find this desire difficult to relate to, but if other people here can so readily relate to the OP's characters like they claim then maybe this bathroom/ peeing fetish is more common than I would have initially thought.

beerlovr88 said:

Which like I said, I find this desire difficult to relate to, but if other people here can so readily relate to the OP's characters like they claim then maybe this bathroom/ peeing fetish is more common than I would have initially thought.

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I don't see how you consider it fetishized. It is not about the peeing in an "oh, wow, pee turns me on" sense. It's about the level of intimacy, the openness, the trust that is required before one can comfortably urinate in front of another.

At no point does either character express any indication that they were aroused by the situation. That sort of fetishization is almost exclusively a male phenomenon. This is a story about intimacy between two women.

MelissaBaby said:

I don't see how you consider it fetishized. It is not about the peeing in an "oh, wow, pee turns me on" sense. It's about the level of intimacy, the openness, the trust that is required before one can comfortably urinate in front of another.

At no point does either character express any indication that they were aroused by the situation. That sort of fetishization is almost exclusively a male phenomenon. This is a story about intimacy between two women.

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Agree this - my examples were also offered as illustrations of intimacy, not fetish.

MelissaBaby said:

I don't see how you consider it fetishized. It is not about the peeing in an "oh, wow, pee turns me on" sense

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Hey I don't know why you're getting all defensive about it. Believe me I'd be the last person to judge... your preferences are your preferences.

MelissaBaby said:

It's about the level of intimacy, the openness, the trust that is required

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Right. Apparently you think that peeing in front of someone is a great way to showcase these features, which is a sentiment that I cannot relate to or empathize with in any way.

MelissaBaby said:

At no point does either character express any indication that they were aroused by the situation.

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So by extension you think that trust, intimacy and openness have nothing to do with foreplay or arousal? Because if these traits do play a factor with developing arousal then surely you'd be motivated to watch someone pee in order to showcase this 'trust', as already featured in the story.

I'm all for authors showcasing intimacy and openness, though like I've said, I just can't get on board with those who want to showcase these traits through urinating in front of each other.

beerlovr88 said:

Hey I don't know why you're getting all defensive about it. Believe me I'd be the last person to judge... your preferences are your preferences.

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My response was not the least bit defensive, and I make no mention of any "preferences" of my own.

beerlovr88 said:

Right. Apparently you think that peeing in front of someone is a great way to showcase these features, which is a sentiment that I cannot relate to or empathize with in any way.

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Whether or not it is a "great way" to showcase intimacy, it is a way to do so, and worked well as such in the context of the story, which is the only context that is pertinent to the discussion.

beerlovr88 said:

So by extension you think that trust, intimacy and openness have nothing to do with foreplay or arousal? Because if these traits do play a factor with developing arousal then surely you'd be motivated to watch someone pee in order to showcase this 'trust', as already featured in the story.

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Trust, intimacy and openness may or may not be related to foreplay or arousal. The urination scene in the story was part of an overall theme of creating a deeper intimacy between the two women. There is nothing in the text to indicate that either character was specifically aroused by the act of either watching or being watched during the act of urination. It is not fetishized and it is unfairly reductive to describe it as such.

beerlovr88 said:

I'm all for authors showcasing intimacy and openness, though like I've said, I just can't get on board with those who want to showcase these traits through urinating in front of each other.

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That is clear. It's of no relevance, but it's clear.

beerlovr88 said:

Right. Apparently you think that peeing in front of someone is a great way to showcase these features, which is a sentiment that I cannot relate to or empathize with in any way.

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Intimacy != hot or erotic in the same way that rectangles != squares.

So by extension you think that trust, intimacy and openness have nothing to do with foreplay or arousal? Because if these traits do play a factor with developing arousal then surely you'd be motivated to watch someone pee in order to showcase this 'trust', as already featured in the story.

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You make odd logical leaps.

I'm all for authors showcasing intimacy and openness, though like I've said, I just can't get on board with those who want to showcase these traits through urinating in front of each other.

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Don't say "I'm not judging" in the same breath that you pass subjective judgement. It's dishonest.