How do you help someone get over being abused

mortalwombat said:
Hi pleas -haven't seen you about in a while! I think you're right-even though i say to people that my childhood is past and best forgotten, it's always in the back of my mind-and more so when i see my mother or ex stepfather. I guess i'll never really get totally over it but i consider myself pretty well adjusted to it all-there are only a few negative parts to my current self that can be attributed to my childhood. The main one is my almost total inability to stand up for myself-i back away from confrontation almost every time, people walk all over me and i let them. Its one thing i'd like to change about myself but i have no idea how. Other things that come from that era is a lack of self worth and confidence. Still-other than that I dont think i've turned out to badly.
I also agree it's a shitty way to grow up
you know-i think thats the first time i've actually admitted on this thread that i have a past-maybe i should think about posting the whole story. One day maybe


:rose: wombat

We all have our demons to exorcise, some are worse than others.

I must be weird. I can be self confident, assertive, and decisive when I really need to but, I naturally tend to be quiet, resserved, and I let people walk over me at times too :eek:

At this point in my life I realize that I can't keep blaming my past and that I am the only one that has the power to change my present and future. It is difficult when those evil demons come back a haunting. Much easier said than done.

Congrats on your weight loss ~ keep up the fantastic work!!!



Thank you Gil. Thanks for the thread, it is at least comforting to know that there are others that deal with this in their lives. :rose:
 
pleasteasme said:
:rose: wombat

We all have our demons to exorcise, some are worse than others.

I must be weird. I can be self confident, assertive, and decisive when I really need to but, I naturally tend to be quiet, resserved, and I let people walk over me at times too :eek:

At this point in my life I realize that I can't keep blaming my past and that I am the only one that has the power to change my present and future. It is difficult when those evil demons come back a haunting. Much easier said than done.

Congrats on your weight loss ~ keep up the fantastic work!!!



Thank you Gil. Thanks for the thread, it is at least comforting to know that there are others that deal with this in their lives. :rose:

"I realize that I can't keep blaming my past and that I am the only one that has the power to change my present and future"

your right you are the only one who can but it is with the help of good ppl around you that really help you through it.

we have been extreemly lucky with the thread as we have only had one troll attempt to ruin this caring place for survivers of abuse.

:rose:
 
Don K Dyck said:
Hi Batty, that weight loss record is astounding!!

Have you considered assertiveness training?

Correcting self esteem takes a little longer and involves doing a series of things successfully so that you come to realise that you area winner. Sometimes a course helps, it depends on the individual. But your progress with the weight loss may indicate that all you need is the positive support of friends.

Naturally, there is a link between assertiveness and self-esteem, and there is a fine line between assertiveness and aggression. :)
Thanks don-i've never actually heard of assertivness training. Unfortunately when i do finnaly assert myself i'm in syuch a mood i become agressive-not violent but agressive. Support of friends? well actually off the net i have very few friends so that doesn't help alot! I dont get out much!
 
pleasteasme said:
:rose: wombat

We all have our demons to exorcise, some are worse than others.

I must be weird. I can be self confident, assertive, and decisive when I really need to but, I naturally tend to be quiet, resserved, and I let people walk over me at times too :eek:

At this point in my life I realize that I can't keep blaming my past and that I am the only one that has the power to change my present and future. It is difficult when those evil demons come back a haunting. Much easier said than done.

Congrats on your weight loss ~ keep up the fantastic work!!!



Thank you Gil. Thanks for the thread, it is at least comforting to know that there are others that deal with this in their lives. :rose:
Thanks ptm - you sound alot like me in some ways! i dont always tend to be quiet-sometimes i hide my shyness and insecurities behind being loud and noticed depends on my mood i guess. i have never really blamed my past for the way i am until recently-in fact i never actually realised i'd been abused at all until i started reading this thread. funny hey? I recently got my file from human services and some of the stuff in there was pretty bad i'm told-i havent actually read it but my wife did. she cant work out why i still have anything to do with my parents after that lot-the answer to that of course is my hate of confrontation. Guess i really am weak.
 
mortalwombat said:
Thanks ptm - you sound alot like me in some ways! i dont always tend to be quiet-sometimes i hide my shyness and insecurities behind being loud and noticed depends on my mood i guess. i have never really blamed my past for the way i am until recently-in fact i never actually realised i'd been abused at all until i started reading this thread. funny hey? I recently got my file from human services and some of the stuff in there was pretty bad i'm told-i havent actually read it but my wife did. she cant work out why i still have anything to do with my parents after that lot-the answer to that of course is my hate of confrontation. Guess i really am weak.

Uhmmm . . . Batty . . . I doubt that you are weak . . . rather, and only from your posts, I think you have been conditioned to be unresponsive.

Since my mother died last week I have found that the 'moral obligation' that was brandished like a club throughout my childhood especially, has been removed and that my thinking is changing. I have been liberated!!

Mother had a a self-imposed crusade to give me a better childhood than she experienced. That would not have been difficult. But the price for this 'pleasure' was the expectation that I would provide everything for her that she could not provide for herself. For a pre-teen child this is an awesome and impossible task that imposes enormous guilt because you cannot fulfill the unreasonable parental expectation. So you become numb to avoid/dull that guilt.

Read your file if only to find out how others perceive you. Then set about making the changes that YOU want to give YOU the life that YOU want to enjoy.

It will be an exciting voyage of self-discovery. :)
 
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Don K Dyck said:
Uhmmm . . . Batty . . . I doubt that you are weak . . . rather, and only from your posts, I think you have been conditioned to be unresponsive.

Since my mother died last week I have found that the 'moral obligation' that was brandished like a club throughout my childhood especially, has been removed and that my thinking is changing. I have been liberated!!

Mother had a a self-imposed crusade to give me a better childhood than she experienced. That would not have been difficult. But the price for this 'pleasure' was the expectation that I would provide everything for her that she could not provide for herself. For a pre-teen child this is an awesome and impossible task that imposes enormous guilt because you cannot fulfill the unreasonable parental expectation. So you become numb to avoid/dull that guilt.

Read your file if only to find out how others perceive you. Then set about making the changes that YOU want to give YOU the life that YOU want to enjoy.

It will be an exciting voyage of self-discovery. :)

Little awkward here don-i dont know from your post whether to commiserate you for your mothers death or not-i think i will since death is always sad no matter what feelings you have for the person. Congratulatings on the liberation tho-enjoy it!
As for my file, at the moment i have no intentions of reading it-i actually only got it to see if there was any mention of my brother in there who may or may not have been sexually abused by an uncle when he was young. Wife read it since i didn't want to-nothing there for my brother so that was all i wanted to know.
 
mortalwombat said:
Thanks ptm - you sound alot like me in some ways! i dont always tend to be quiet-sometimes i hide my shyness and insecurities behind being loud and noticed depends on my mood i guess. i have never really blamed my past for the way i am until recently-in fact i never actually realised i'd been abused at all until i started reading this thread. funny hey? I recently got my file from human services and some of the stuff in there was pretty bad i'm told-i havent actually read it but my wife did. she cant work out why i still have anything to do with my parents after that lot-the answer to that of course is my hate of confrontation. Guess i really am weak.

I am cutting ties. Ones that bind me to my dysfunctioning family. I need to be independant of them, as do they of me. I have done plenty of blaming in my adult life. It probably isn't healthy...and I have used some very painful things that my mother once told me, to throw back in her face. Then again, what she told me...she never should have. It made me feel like the most worthless and unloved person on the planet. I still haven't been able to forgive that. It hurts like hell and coming from the people that are supposed to truly love you, regardless of anything.


Not weak, you have ties with your family, blood is thick. :rose:
 
pleasteasme said:
I am cutting ties. Ones that bind me to my dysfunctioning family. I need to be independant of them, as do they of me. I have done plenty of blaming in my adult life. It probably isn't healthy...and I have used some very painful things that my mother once told me, to throw back in her face. Then again, what she told me...she never should have. It made me feel like the most worthless and unloved person on the planet. I still haven't been able to forgive that. It hurts like hell and coming from the people that are supposed to truly love you, regardless of anything.


Not weak, you have ties with your family, blood is thick. :rose:
we love you-does that help? I luv u so much i even posted on your frog kissing thread a few weeks back! forgivness is hard-i haven't forgiven my mother either and even if you do forgive, it's even harder to forget. I know about worthess and unloved feelings too-like i just said it's hard to forgive. But now i'm a taxi driver for my kids-so i have to be worth something!
 
mortalwombat said:
we love you-does that help? I luv u so much i even posted on your frog kissing thread a few weeks back! forgivness is hard-i haven't forgiven my mother either and even if you do forgive, it's even harder to forget. I know about worthess and unloved feelings too-like i just said it's hard to forgive. But now i'm a taxi driver for my kids-so i have to be worth something!

At least you have a family. I have my job, that is about it.

Thanks for the frog kissing, I'll have to go check it out! I know all about grudges ~ all too well.
 
mortalwombat said:
we love you-does that help? I luv u so much i even posted on your frog kissing thread a few weeks back! forgivness is hard-i haven't forgiven my mother either and even if you do forgive, it's even harder to forget. I know about worthess and unloved feelings too-like i just said it's hard to forgive. But now i'm a taxi driver for my kids-so i have to be worth something!

Hey Batty . . . you're over the halfway mark!! :nana:

Well done!! :nana:

I feel inspired!! :D :devil:


Forgiveness is bloody hard and equally essential to allow ME to move on to the next challenge in MY life. ;)

Forgetting comes when you choose not to remember, but rather, let go of the memories. Sometimes a ceremony, such as writing out you hurts and then burning them and walking away, never to look back assists the mind to let go.

By hanging on . . . well, we define ourselves by our thoughts, including memories. So why define MY self as unhappy? ;)

As any domesticated mother (as opposed to a commercial mother . . . no, not the singing type! . . . working to feed the family) will tell you being the kids' taxi driver is the most important job in the world ;)
 
pleasteasme said:
I am cutting ties. Ones that bind me to my dysfunctioning family. I need to be independant of them, as do they of me. I have done plenty of blaming in my adult life. It probably isn't healthy...and I have used some very painful things that my mother once told me, to throw back in her face. Then again, what she told me...she never should have. It made me feel like the most worthless and unloved person on the planet. I still haven't been able to forgive that. It hurts like hell and coming from the people that are supposed to truly love you, regardless of anything.


Not weak, you have ties with your family, blood is thick. :rose:

Hi PTM . . . bin there, dun that! There is probably a better way (since in the case in point, mother was correct . . . as usual :rolleyes: ) :D

There is no need to feel guilty or unloved or worthless for any of this. It was just life happening. :)

It appears only from your posts that you are ready to change your life around, to move on to better things. THis will require letting go of the past history, something that many people find difficult.

It is a little like cleaning out a cupboard of old now unwanted things so that the space can be filled with new, more appropriate, useful things. If you don't have the space then you cannot refill the cupboard.

Letting go is difficult, but essential. It may take professional assistance os simply the help of a good friend(s). :)
 
Don K Dyck said:
Hi PTM . . . bin there, dun that! There is probably a better way (since in the case in point, mother was correct . . . as usual :rolleyes: ) :D

There is no need to feel guilty or unloved or worthless for any of this. It was just life happening. :)

It appears only from your posts that you are ready to change your life around, to move on to better things. THis will require letting go of the past history, something that many people find difficult.

It is a little like cleaning out a cupboard of old now unwanted things so that the space can be filled with new, more appropriate, useful things. If you don't have the space then you cannot refill the cupboard.

Letting go is difficult, but essential. It may take professional assistance os simply the help of a good friend(s). :)

Hi DD,

You are right, I am ready to change. I have been in the process of changing for the last year. Letting go is much easier said than done. The negativity is so ingrained in me. Will I ever be free of it? I don't think so, it is part of who I am.

It will take time. I didn't get this way over night and it can't be fixed overnight either.
 
pleasteasme said:
Hi DD,

You are right, I am ready to change. I have been in the process of changing for the last year. Letting go is much easier said than done. The negativity is so ingrained in me. Will I ever be free of it? I don't think so, it is part of who I am.

It will take time. I didn't get this way over night and it can't be fixed overnight either.
no it wont be overnight-and you know you can pm me or email me anytime you like if you need a friend!
 
mortalwombat said:
no it wont be overnight-and you know you can pm me or email me anytime you like if you need a friend!

Thanks wombat :rose:

I just have a major inferiority complex. I feel like I am never "enough." Not smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, thin enough, sexy enough, intuitive enough, caring enough...I feel like I am always 2nd, or 3rd, or 4th (or lower) best. Now, I just feel like I'm whiney so, I'm gonna stop.

I need to get over myself and put my energy into something productive.
 
pleasteasme said:
Thanks wombat :rose:

I just have a major inferiority complex. I feel like I am never "enough." Not smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, thin enough, sexy enough, intuitive enough, caring enough...I feel like I am always 2nd, or 3rd, or 4th (or lower) best. Now, I just feel like I'm whiney so, I'm gonna stop.

I need to get over myself and put my energy into something productive.
i have a similar complex-i'm tall enough but not much else. you seem sexy, pretty, caring and smart enough to me!
 
mortalwombat said:
i have a similar complex-i'm tall enough but not much else. you seem sexy, pretty, caring and smart enough to me!

:rose: Thanks for your vote wombat! :eek:
 
Well, this is it. For the first time in three years, I'm going back to see my family. :eek: Oh god, am I nervous. I'm not sure how I'm going to act around them. I know I'm not the same person that left home three years ago, but I'm not sure how they're going to react to the new me. There are a lot of things left unsaid between me and them but I don't know if I should try to deal with it this time or just wait til another time. I'm just so unsure of everything. :confused:
Somehow I've got to relax or I'm going to be one huge knot by the time I get there. :eek: :(
 
kikmosa said:
Well, this is it. For the first time in three years, I'm going back to see my family. :eek: Oh god, am I nervous. I'm not sure how I'm going to act around them. I know I'm not the same person that left home three years ago, but I'm not sure how they're going to react to the new me. There are a lot of things left unsaid between me and them but I don't know if I should try to deal with it this time or just wait til another time. I'm just so unsure of everything. :confused:
Somehow I've got to relax or I'm going to be one huge knot by the time I get there. :eek: :(

{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}

You will do very well, just be your new happy self.

They are family and will accept you as you are.

Always remember that you can leave at any time you choose.

Don :kiss:
 
kikmosa said:
Well, this is it. For the first time in three years, I'm going back to see my family. :eek: Oh god, am I nervous. I'm not sure how I'm going to act around them. I know I'm not the same person that left home three years ago, but I'm not sure how they're going to react to the new me. There are a lot of things left unsaid between me and them but I don't know if I should try to deal with it this time or just wait til another time. I'm just so unsure of everything. :confused:
Somehow I've got to relax or I'm going to be one huge knot by the time I get there. :eek: :(
I can understand the nervousness-i'm sure that will pass though. You'll be fine-what they think of the "new you" is really irrelevant-as long as you like you thats all that matters-they have to accept you as you are. as for things left unsaid, deal with them when you are reasy-if not this time then next time or time after that-do it when you are comfortable-or as comfortable as you can be, it's not an easy situation. they may take it out of your hands by bringing it all up themselves-be prepared for that.
as for a way to relax, a bottle of wine, a close friend and a back massage would possibly work-apart from the wine which i wont touch it would work for me! failing that try a wine or coffee, a bubble bath and a good book. good luck! :kiss:
 
kikmosa said:
Well, this is it. For the first time in three years, I'm going back to see my family. :eek: Oh god, am I nervous. I'm not sure how I'm going to act around them. I know I'm not the same person that left home three years ago, but I'm not sure how they're going to react to the new me. There are a lot of things left unsaid between me and them but I don't know if I should try to deal with it this time or just wait til another time. I'm just so unsure of everything. :confused:
Somehow I've got to relax or I'm going to be one huge knot by the time I get there. :eek: :(

KIKI :rose: Family can be scary when you know what they are like but you have the advantage as they have no idea of the new you so follow you head as you deal with things & not your heart, you know you are a wonderful person & you do have lots of friends who value you the person. ;) :D
 
I have just found this thread now, and i cant read through over 2000 postings in it - that would take way way to long.

I feel that what i should do is look at the orrig question and give my thought about that - then if there are any further i will just join in fom here.

I work with several people who have been abused, not only physically or sexually but emotionally, or even mentally. I feel that the best help is to hear them out. How can i say 'i understand' - no i do not as i have never been abused, I can try to understand how you feel!!

Ultimately forgiveness is a decision that one takes - every day!! It just gets easier with every decision till the point comes when it is internalised. You can never forget your past - but it should not dominate your future.

As a therapist i think that this is the best help - empathy and working with the guilt / shame of it - these feelings are not right - after all no victim wanted the abuse otherwise they would not be a victim - right?
 
maltaforyou said:
Ultimately forgiveness is a decision that one takes - every day!! It just gets easier with every decision till the point comes when it is internalised. You can never forget your past - but it should not dominate your future.

I just wanted to comment on this part of your post :) My past affects me in little subtle ways I am not even aware of until Gil points them out to me. For instance, I'm very happy in our relationship, but sometimes I shut myself off when I should communicate more with him - it's avoidance behaviour I used to employ with my ex, so he'd leave me alone. We're working on this, and I know he's nothing like my ex and anything I say to him will be accepted in a loving and caring way, but still I hesitate :confused:

The forgiveness part, I just can't bring myself to do. Forgive my ex for the rape, the putdowns, the silent treatment, the bullying......no it's not going to happen and it's been 4 years. I have moved away and would be happy to never set eyes on him again even though my daughter still lives with him. I'm still angry about all the things that happened but I don't let it dominate my life, instead I use it to hopefully make me a stronger person :)
 
Bandit58 said:
I just wanted to comment on this part of your post :) My past affects me in little subtle ways I am not even aware of until Gil points them out to me. For instance, I'm very happy in our relationship, but sometimes I shut myself off when I should communicate more with him - it's avoidance behaviour I used to employ with my ex, so he'd leave me alone. We're working on this, and I know he's nothing like my ex and anything I say to him will be accepted in a loving and caring way, but still I hesitate :confused:

The forgiveness part, I just can't bring myself to do. Forgive my ex for the rape, the putdowns, the silent treatment, the bullying......no it's not going to happen and it's been 4 years. I have moved away and would be happy to never set eyes on him again even though my daughter still lives with him. I'm still angry about all the things that happened but I don't let it dominate my life, instead I use it to hopefully make me a stronger person :)

I agree bandit . . . I know exactly what you mean . . . ;)
 
Could not agree more

Bandit58 said:
I just wanted to comment on this part of your post :) My past affects me in little subtle ways I am not even aware of until Gil points them out to me. For instance, I'm very happy in our relationship, but sometimes I shut myself off when I should communicate more with him - it's avoidance behaviour I used to employ with my ex, so he'd leave me alone. We're working on this, and I know he's nothing like my ex and anything I say to him will be accepted in a loving and caring way, but still I hesitate :confused:

The forgiveness part, I just can't bring myself to do. Forgive my ex for the rape, the putdowns, the silent treatment, the bullying......no it's not going to happen and it's been 4 years. I have moved away and would be happy to never set eyes on him again even though my daughter still lives with him. I'm still angry about all the things that happened but I don't let it dominate my life, instead I use it to hopefully make me a stronger person :)


I could not agree more with you here. I perhaps need to clarify myself with forgiveness. I did not mean that one is to act as though nothing happened - that is not right and indeed a gross injustice.

Healing is a process, as a process there is time and stages with key points in there. You are right about the trust point - i completely understand that there is pain involved here so it will never happen.

As to your point about the avoiding behavour. I also see this, one needs to remember that behavour is indeed learned - so to unlearn it too takes time and with a loving partner there to help and support you - it will eventually happen, 4yrs is not that long - you will see that this will happen in time, though you need to rem that a part of you will always remain hurt. Though it is through knowing about the issue and working on it together that you can re-learn the trust you learnt to loose - can you see my point here?

Pain is such a horrible thing, i hear pain in your posting though i also hear your support, it is amazing to see 2 people working together to build eachother up - if only there was more of this in the world - oh it would be soooo much better!!
 
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