Humor Thread

Answers to Questions on Welfare Claims

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had 7 but one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing to the welfare department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have 6 children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

This is my eight child, what are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead; the man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my boy illiterate as this is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake, as you will see.

My husband got his project cut off 1 week ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as soon as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for 2 months and he doesn't doe me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

From external source:

Met this stunning bird in Thailand.

Later that night, back at the hotel, I decided to go down on her.

As I sucked away at her cock I thought: 'there's something not quite right here'.

warning!!!

DG Hear said:

C:\Users\DGHear\Desktop\!cid_686901CAD71B4A4CAB54C02301557373@GaryPC.jpg

Click to expand...

A trifle worrying, Perhaps?

A Bear Warning

DG Hear said:

warning!!!

Click to expand...

Be sure to read all of the sign.

This really attractive girl asked me last night whether I preferred breasts or thighs. I told her I really preferred a shaved snatch. Now I am no longer welcome at KFC.

Mum: Well, son, what did you learn about in school today?"

Son: "We learned a lot about genetics, Mum. Where do you think I got my intelligence from ?"

Mum: "You must have got it from your Father, dear. I've still got mine."

Handley_Page said:

Mum: Well, son, what did you learn about in school today?"

Son: "We learned a lot about genetics, Mum. Where do you think I got my intelligence from ?"

Mum: "You must have got it from your Father, dear. I've still got mine."

Click to expand...

Now that's funny

Nice goatee.

One evening a man brought home a surprise for his family. "What is it?" his wife asked.
"It's a lie detecting robot. When you lie the robot will slap you." he said. His wife was skeptical.
Later at dinner Dad asks Junior. "What did you do in school today?"
"I went to all of my classes and studied." replied Junior. The robot slapped him.
"Ok, I skipped class and went to a movie."
"What movie?" asked his mom.
"Harry Potter," said the kid and the robot slapped him. "Ok it was a porno movie."
"Well. I never did that sort of thing when I was your age," said dad, and the robot slapped him.
"Hee hee.. He is your son," said mom....and the robot slapped her.

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and even some Aborigine
blood.
What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman looked up from his newspaper, smiled and replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

Is this what happens when the Health & Safety Inspectors have made their report about crowd safety?

Came across this chuckle today...

What's red and has seven dents in it?







Snow White's cherry.

What did the blind guy say when he walked past the fish factory?




Morning ladies!

It's all fun and games until someone gets hit in the groin. Then it's freakin' hilarious!

Obsoletes Anonymous

Moderator: Welcome to Obsolete Anonymous! I've gathered you all here to welcome our latest member, the Print Industry.

Print Industry: Hello, everyone. But there's been a mistake. I don't belong here.

(chuckles all around)

Print Industry: I'm serious. I'm not obsolete. I'm relevant. Print books have been around for hundreds of years. They're never going to be replaced.

VHS Tapes: Yeah, we all thought like that once.

LP Records: It's called denial. It's tough to deal with at first.

VHS tapes: Easy for you to say, LP. You've still got a niche collector market. They can't even give me away on eBay.

Antique Stores: Can we please not mention eBay? I used to have stores all over. But more and more keep closing thanks to that good-for-nothing website.

CDs: At least you still have some stores left. The specialty stores that sell me are almost extinct. I'm down to a few narrow isles at Best Buy and the supermarket.

Print Industry: Look, everyone, I assume you all think that e-books are going to put me out of business. But that won't happen.

Ma Bell: We all deny it at first. I remember when you couldn't walk twenty yards in a city without seeing a pay phone. Then those gosh darn cell phones came along. Do you know some people don't even have land lines anymore? Used to be a land line in every home...

(Ma Bell begins to cry. Print Phonebooks joins in. So does Dial Up Modems. Encyclopedia Britannica, wearing an I Hate Wikipedia T-Shirt, pops a few Prozac. A group hug ensues.)

Video Rental Store: What Ma Bell is trying to say is that when a technology comes along that's faster, easier, and cheaper, the old technology--and all the companies that supported it--tends to fade away.

Print Industry: Why are you here, Video Rental Store? There are still Blockbuster Videos everywhere.

CDs: There were record stores everywhere once.

Cassette Tapes: Hell yeah! They sold cassettes, too! Someone give me a high five!

(no one gives Cassette Tapes a high five)

Video Rental Store: Things looked good for a while. I had a decent, twenty-year run. Then I got hit by all sides. Netflix, shipping DVDs though the mail. On Demand. Tivo. YouTube. But the nail in the coffin came in the past two years. Hula. Roku--which allows Netflix subscribers to stream video instantly. iTunes and Amazon offering movie downloads. Red Box, which rents DVDs for 99 cents and takes up no more space than a Coke machine...

Print Industry: But ebooks are just a tiny percentage of the market. People have been reading print since Gutenberg. They won't adapt to change that easily.

Kodak: You're correct. It takes a few years for people to fully embrace new technology. Some never do. Polaroid never replaced me.

Polaroid: Shut up, Kodak. We both got our asses kicked by digital. When was the last time you sold any 110 film?

TV Antennas: I'm still big in some third world countries!

Typewriter: The bottom line is: when technology improves, it becomes widely adopted. Me and Carbon Paper used to have a groovy thing going. I'd make the words, he would make the copies. Then Xerox got into the act, but he's not doing well now either.

Xerox: F*cking computers.

Floppy Disc: You said it!

Dot Matrix: F*cking laser and inkjet. Doesn't anyone else miss tearing off the perforated hole punches on the side of paper? Don't they miss the feel and smell of that?

Fold-Out Paper Maps: I agree! Isn't it fun to open up a big map while you're driving, in hopes of figuring out where you are? Don't you miss the old days before cars came equipped with GPS and no one ever used that bastard, MapQuest?

CDs: F*cking internet. That's the problem. Instant access to information and entertainment for the whole world. You guys want to talk about pirating and illegal downloads?

(everyone shouts out a collective no!)

Moderator: We all read on JA Konrath's blog that the way to fight piracy is with cost and convenience. Print Industry, are you lowering your prices and making it easier for customers to download your books?

Print Industry: Actually, we just raised prices on our e-books.

(collective sighs and head shaking)

Moderator: Well, far be it for you to learn from any of our mistakes. Are you making it easier at least?

Print Industry: Well, we've begun windowing titles, releasing them months after the hardcover comes out.

(collective head slapping)

Music Industry: Have you at least tried selling from your own site? I wish I'd done that. But that upstart Apple came along...

Print Industry: Uh... no. We haven't tried that. In fact, some ebooks--we'll use JA Konrath as an example since he was mentioned--aren't even available on all platforms and in all territories.

Moderator: What do you mean? Konrath's e-books are available all over the place.

Print Industry: Those are the ones he uploads himself. The ones of his that we sell are missing from several key markets, and have been for years. But it's okay. We're paying him much smaller royalties and jacking the prices up high so we can still make a profit. Besides, ebooks are a niche market. E-reading devices are dedicated and expensive.

Arcades: I used to be a thriving industry. Kids spent billions of quarters in my thousands of locations. But then Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft made home arcade machines, and now people play their video games on dedicated devices. It's a multi-billion dollar business now, and I can only compete if I sell shitty pizza and give out plastic trinkets to kids with the most foosball tickets. If people want the media, they buy the expensive device. Period.

Print Industry: None of you are listening to me. Print will always be around.

Newspaper Industry: Yeah! What he said!

Print Industry: Let's not compare ourselves, okay Newspaper Industry? No offense.

Newspaper Industry: None taken. Hey, maybe we can help each other. I'm selling advertising space for dirt cheap these days, and...

Print Industry: No thanks. No one reads you any more. People get their news elsewhere.

Moderator: So why won't people get their novels elsewhere as well?

(Print Industry stands up, pointing a finger around the room.)

Print Industry: Look, this isn't about me. All of you guys have become irrelevant. Technology marched on, and you didn't march with it. But that WILL NOT happen to me. There will always be book stores, and dead tree books. We'll continue to sell hard covers at luxury prices, and pay artists 6% to 15% royalties on whatever list price WE deem appropriate. And the masses will buy our books BECAUSE WE SAID SO! WE SHALL NEVER BECOME OBSOLETE!!!

Buggy Whip Industry: Amen, brother! That's what I keep trying to tell these people!

CDs: (whispering to LPs) I give him six years, tops.

Posted on FB by George Takei as Ovary Funny:

I submit to editing (see below).

NaokoSmith said:

Said in delicate sweet tweety voice with lots of birdies and flowers:

Why does it take two women with PMT to change a lightbulb?

Answer (said in a very stern and loud voice):

Cuz it just does!!! alright!

Click to expand...

If I might alter it slightly please?

Said in delicate sweet tweety voice with lots of birdies and flowers:

Why does it take two women with PMT to change a lightbulb?

Answer (said in a very stern and loud voice, and all too often hold some sort of "weapon"):

Cuz it just does!!! alright ?

Took this from Scouries thread but thought it was kind of cool.
Happy Easter Everyone.
DG

Sorry couldn't get the Bunny picture to cone up.

What happens when you tell an egg a joke?
It cracks up.

What do you call an egg who likes jokes?
A practical yolker.

How many eggs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't be silly, eggs can't change lightbulbs.

For Star Wars fans:

Eddie Izzard does the canteen on board the Death Star. In Lego.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw

Thanks 'NaokoSmith ' Those were cute.
DG

DG Hear said:

Thanks 'NaokoSmith ' Those were cute.
DG

Click to expand...

Cute! Darth Vader is cute!!!!

LOL, I love Eddie Izzard. Darth Vader in Lego is kinda cute, isn't he. I had a secret passion for him when Star Wars first came out, sigh (I was only a teenie tiny kitten back then). Oh the romance of the big bad boy <snerk>. I would serve him penne arrabiata on a wet tray any day .