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Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
 
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?

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My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you...
I've changed my mind.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your promotion...
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West
Virginia )

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
 
More cards

We have been friends for a very long time. let's say we stop?

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I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay
 
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he
looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear
Removers.'
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?
'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up
there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear
falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van.'
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'
 
Handley_Page said:
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. ...
Click to expand...
Good one ! I remember reading this a few years ago. Having rather intimate workings of a mental hospital, I can definitely relate to this. :)

Here are 25 more from my stash:

c0e17d53eaf13715b48a98494858867b.jpg


01. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

02. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

03. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

04. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

05. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

06. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

07. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ... oh wait, he does.

08. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

09. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button !

10. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

11. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

12. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, the men are just grateful.

13. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

14. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

15. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

16. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

17. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

18. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

19. They keep saying the right person will come along for you, I think mine got hit by a truck.

20. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

21. By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

22. Progress is always made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

23. Confucious say: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

24. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

25. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
 
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'
 
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban

A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

A crisis is when you cannot say "Let's just forget the whole thing."

A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

A good scapegoat is hard to find.

A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

A little ignorance can go a long way.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

A penny saved has not been spent.

The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them. - Albert Einstein

A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.
 
"Youth will be served, frequently stuffed with chestnuts."
--James Thurber

Delete resize or link the outsized photo please.
 
Where to go for lunch

A group of golfers, all in their 4-'s, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 5-, the golf buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 6-, the group again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 7-, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age --, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before:
 
The will

An old man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as he slips away, the nurse says,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the asshole had a paper route!"
 
Little Johnnie Story

Class Assignment

The teacher says, "Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence.

Jane, you go first."

"Dough, D O U G H, Italians make pizza with dough."

"Very good Jane ... Now let's hear from Mary."

"Dough, D O U G H. My brother makes things with

Play Dough."

"Very good Mary."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough and he's bloody hopeless in bed ... so she uses a dill dough!"
 
A guy is driving around when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Government about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the man says.

"Ten quid? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh!te
 
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."

"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
 
A couple of poachers from Witham are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
 
Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home....

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.


Sergeant: Take it easy, we'll find your truck.
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!"
 
Deftly state how useful something is...

With one more neuron he'd have a synapse
Couldn't direct traffic down a one way street
It's unclear as to which of Newton's three laws of motion is keping his ears apart
Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray... twice
Zero K memory
He's got a mind like a sieve
While some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargles
The worlds formost collector of ignorance
More confused than traffic in Hong Kong
Couldn't pour sand out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel
Isn't firing on all thrusters
All wax with no wick
Requires directions for laying sod
As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium
Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks
Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colourful, but not too sharp.
A few clowns short of a circus
Goes surfing in Nebraska
Too many jokers not enough aces in his deck
The wheel's spinning but the hamster died
 
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