Feedback Request- Mom the Superheroine Extended

Bammy

Experienced
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Posts
44
Hey there people!
A while ago I came across a series on Literotica called 'Mom the Superheroine' written by KatieTay. I was so impressed with it I decided to write my own story (with guidance from the original author). I just wanna know what the forum thinks about it. I am in the process of writing part 2 of the story and would love some ideas.

Here it is: https://www.literotica.com/s/mom-the-superheroine-extended-1

(please bear in mind that this is my first ever erotic story so its not perfect by a long shot!)

Here are Katie's original stories if your interested:

https://www.literotica.com/s/mom-the-superheroine-01

https://www.literotica.com/s/mom-the-superheroine-02

https://www.literotica.com/s/mom-the-superheroine-03
 
Well it is not the type of story that starts my engine. It is fairly well written. In most cases, you would do better, I think, to limit your adverbs and adjectives to one each.
As Vicious Vixen uttered those words to her daughter Vixenette, Barbara realised (that this was) her worst fears were (actually) happening. She had been defeated by the woman she hated most (in this world.) And now she was going to pay for it, along with her daughter.

"Oh why did they have to bring Cindy into this?" she thought to herself. "Now she has to suffer for my mistakes, my choices, my losses." (She this refers to daughter) Barbara surveyed her (downcast and defeated [choose one]) daughter being unchained by the Villainesses and shoved to the ground beside her,(. There they crouched, waiting. (All that could be heard was t)The (clinking and clipping sounds- use clinking, clipping or simply sounds but not all three.) of the (large), black (8 inch) strapons (being secured, along with) and the giggling and sniggering of the evil mother/daughter pair, warned of the penetration that was sure to come. Barbara and Cindy were (then) shoved (forward on all fours) into the doggy-style position. Barbara (then) felt the dry rubbery tip of the strap-on rubbing against her pussy lips as Valerie positioned herself. (at her entrance.) She knew Cindy felt (could feel) the same by the tense look on her face as Elena loomed behind her.

There are those who will come, claiming I am out to destroy you immediacy or creativity, but I believe changes such as i have suggested will greatly improve the flow of your story, which seems a bit choppy. Keep writing, you have a certain flair. And (I say this to everyone) get an editor.
 
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Well it is not the type of story that starts my engine. It is fairly well written. In most cases, you would do better, I think, to limit your adverbs and adjectives to one each.
As Vicious Vixen uttered those words to her daughter Vixenette, Barbara realised (that this was) her worst fears were (actually) happening. She had been defeated by the woman she hated most (in this world.) And now she was going to pay for it, along with her daughter.

"Oh why did they have to bring Cindy into this?" she thought to herself. "Now she has to suffer for my mistakes, my choices, my losses." (She this refers to daughter) Barbara surveyed her (downcast and defeated [choose one]) daughter being unchained by the Villainesses and shoved to the ground beside her,(. There they crouched, waiting. (All that could be heard was t)The (clinking and clipping sounds- use clinking, clipping or simply sounds but not all three.) of the (large), black (8 inch) strapons (being secured, along with) and the giggling and sniggering of the evil mother/daughter pair, warned of the penetration that was sure to come. Barbara and Cindy were (then) shoved (forward on all fours) into the doggy-style position. Barbara (then) felt the dry rubbery tip of the strap-on rubbing against her pussy lips as Valerie positioned herself. (at her entrance.) She knew Cindy felt (could feel) the same by the tense look on her face as Elena loomed behind her.

There are those who will come, claiming I am out to destroy you immediacy or creativity, but I believe changes such as i have suggested will greatly improve the flow of your story, which seems a bit choppy. Keep writing, you have a certain flair. And (I say this to everyone) get an editor.


Thanks for the feedback. Finding an editor was a tedious process so I decided just to post the story anyway!
 
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