First Story For a Long Time

It's been a long time since I've written anything and a long time since I've submitted anything here. In fact when I looked it's been over 10 years...

I would appreciate some feedback on my new story, only went live yesterday and scores are reasonable but no comments yet.

Please call me Debbie

Thanks in advance.

silversword said:

It's been a long time since I've written anything and a long time since I've submitted anything here. In fact when I looked it's been over 10 years...

I would appreciate some feedback on my new story, only went live yesterday and scores are reasonable but no comments yet.

Please call me Debbie

Thanks in advance.

Click to expand...

Lots and lots of grammatical and usage errors. You should forget you know the word "just". Other recommendations: Too much starting, beginning, etc.

The beginning stretches reality too far. Three minutes late on one's first day of work? Unthinkable! lol.

Please learn to use commas and semicolons correctly. There is a brilliant book by Lynne Truss that will help. Even better, she is British, so you don't need to worry about one of us Yanks steering you wrong.

The biggest problem I had was that I got bored. 23 paragraphs in and sex has begun, but I have absolutely no reason to care. Who is Luke? What new job is he starting? Why should I spend time and mental energy on him when I have my own bills to pay?--not to mention two kittens who get underfoot, a high-pressure job where I could conceivably meet Kate Upton, and a beautiful girlfriend for whom I am saving up for an engagement ring. And who has very wonderful sex with me. If you're going to give me this story and expect me to be interested in it, you have to give me reasons to be interested. You have to make Luke likeable, and you need to put him in intriguing situations. All I've got right now is that he's filling out paperwork next to an indiscreet boss, and I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested.

One of the rules of thumb people will give you is that you have about five paragraphs in which to hook The Reader. You took 30 and still didn't present anything that compelled me to read on. Part of it is just presentation--you have done very little description or characterization for any of your characters. In the first five paragraphs--say, ten sentences--you have to create someone that The Reader wants to know more about. The fact that Debbie has boobs, or that Luke has a job, doesn't make them that person. What would? What quality would make The Reader instantly intrigued? Make sure it shows up in the first five paragraphs.

Free advice. Worth what you paid for it.

The best advice I can give you is to proofread, slowly. And then proofread again. Print it out to proofread if necessary. I know if I read something in the word processor I start seeing what I want the words, phrase, sentence, paragraph TO say, not what is actually there. Once printed the errors seem to jump off the page at me.

Also consider paring unnecessary words. "adjusted down the tight little skirt she was wearing" How else would she adjust her skirt? Up? Maybe if she was wanting to flash the guy. Try using "adjusted the tight little skirt" in that phrase instead.

"suddenly the lift opened." Really? I have never had the doors of a lift, that I summoned, suddenly open. Usually there is an indication that the lift has arrived and then the doors open as I expect they would.

"already late he was stood halfway down the packed carriage..." Uh, what?

These three examples happened within the first twenty or so paragraphs. Read your story out loud to yourself slowly before submitting. If it doesn't sound right to you, the writer, it's not going to sound right to the reader.

Just my 2 cents and cheap at half the price.

robertreams said:

Lots and lots of grammatical and usage errors. You should forget you know the word "just". Other recommendations: Too much starting, beginning, etc.

Click to expand...

Thanks for the feedback, "just" had a look at the number of times I used "just", I take your point!

CWatson

Thanks, I take your point on the long intro, was deliberately trying to make it more of a story. I did cut some description out as it was even longer.

JamesDaniels

Thanks for the examples.

The amount of description has nothing to do with it. You can have a hook anywhere. I wrote a story about the leads getting married spur-of-the-moment: the story is about their growth and negotiations as they move forward into their new life together. What's the hook? The spur-of-the-moment marriage. So I made sure to mention that there would be a wedding as soon as possible. In fact, "wedding" is the sixth word of the story, before I had even given the male lead a NAME. Then, now that I (in theory) had The Reader's attention, I could move on to all the boring details about who Jon is and who Caitlyn is and how their spur-of-the-moment wedding came to be (an infodump that took most of a Literorica page).

And if you think the 6th word is too early, the "Naked In School" stories (which aren't on Literorica due to age-of-consent issues) all have the hook right there in the fucking TITLE.

So, to reiterate my point: there is something about your story that sets it apart from every other work on Literotica. What is it? Is it sex-with-boss? Is it group-sex-involving-boss? Is it group-sex-involving-coworkers? I don't know! And given that I have read some THIRTY PARAGRAPHS of your story, I should know by now. But I don't, because you didn't include it. And that, more than anything else, is why I got bored.

So my challenge to you, for your next story, is this: whatever the hook is, place it as close as possible to the very first word of the story.