Humor Thread

Dianthus said:

Equine smut.

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That's damned good.
Thank you

And now we return you to our normal programme:


Boss

This word came from the Dutch word baas, meaning "master." But early Americans didn’t like using master - it was too aristocratic to survive as a general term. So they started using "baas" in the late 18th century. It caught on (against the objections of some word snobs) and eventually became "boss."

Cubicle

Dating back to the 1400s, this word stemmed from the Latin cubiculum, meaning "sleeping area" (completely apropos). It became obsolete after the 16th century, but it was revived in the 19th century as a word for "dormitory sleeping compartments." Its use as any partitioned space didn’t surface until the 1920s.

Getting Fired

The phrase "fired out," meaning to throw out or eject someone from a place, was first used in 1871. When the "out" was dropped a few years later, the phrase was narrowed to mean "dismissal of an employee." There’s a consensus among etymologists that both "fired" and "fired out" refer to the firing of a gun.

Learning the Ropes

Before an old-time apprentice sailor could really help out on a big ship, he had to learn which ropes had what effect on which sails. Before he did, he wasn’t much use to anyone. After he "learned the ropes," he could finally hoist the right mast - and avoid being flogged.

Logging On

This phrase’s predecessor was "logging in" (sometimes still used interchangeably). Back when mainframe computer operators used to go on shifts, they’d have to write everything they did in a paper log, beginning when they arrived. So when you log on to a computer today, you’re signing in.

Memorandum

From the Latin word "to be remembered," it was originally a word written at the top of a note. But by 1542, it became the word for the note itself.

Rank and File

This phrase that refers to an organization’s mass of low-ranking peons has military origins: soldiers in formation marched side by side (rank) and one behind the other (file). Its first known usage was in 1598. Later, it became generalized to mean common soldiers and then further generalized to refer to common people.

Suit

The word dates back to the 1200s, to the funky English-French word siwte, referring to the uniform worn by the royal court’s stable servants. It came to mean a more general set of clothes to be worn together in the 14th century. As a derisive term for a businessman, it dates from 1979, possibly from the hippie term for an FBI agent, circa the late 1960s. The term "empty suit," meaning a person of small intellect or personality, evolved in the 1980s.

Teamwork

The original Middle English meaning of team was applied to a group of draft animals yoked together. Around 1828, someone thought of combining the word "team" with the word "work" - probably hoping to spur sluggish workers into action. So "teamwork" really mean working like one of many beasts of burden. Depressing, huh?

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..

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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

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"I'm not getting my reports from the printer", cried the Customer

OK. Is it switched on?

Yes

Does it have paper in it?

What do you mean - paper ?


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And last but not least!

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a P."

Tech support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech support: " 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!"

Good shit Handley and Dianthus. Thanks for posting.
DG

Handley_Page said:

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

****************************

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If the customer was using a French keyboard, that could be a genuine problem. Some French keyboards do not show the @ and you have to use an Alt code.

oggbashan said:

If the customer was using a French keyboard, that could be a genuine problem. Some French keyboards do not show the @ and you have to use an Alt code.

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How do they signal an address, then ?.
[PS. Memo to self; never acquire a French keyboard.]

Handley_Page said:

How do they signal an address, then ?.
[PS. Memo to self; never acquire a French keyboard.]

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They use the @ character but have to type a couple of keystrokes to produce it. Modern ones have @ on the zero key at the top of the keyboard but to get it you type Ctrl and 0 (I think).

The standard US/UK keyboard has Querty top left. The French one has Azerty and the standard accented vowels é etc are on the keyboard.

Some French people actually use the US keyboard and ignore their language's accents in emails.

Here's something to think about:

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a shit?

Joke Just received this one.

Paddy: "Your new secretary is very sexy..."

Seamus: "Thanks! She's actually a robot, named Doreen ... If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she
types letters. Will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no dental......

I'll lend her to you for a day & you can see how functional and efficient she is".

Next day, Paddy called Seamus from the hospital & shouted: "Seamus… You bastard! You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a Pencil Sharpener..."

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.


The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend."

I do not anticipate that the full humour of this joke will travel, but I like it!


An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long
search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went
down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was
unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty
flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the
flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief.
Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

Life is like a penis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely.
It's a woman who makes it hard.

"Where have you been", said the Supervisor. "You're late"

The dishevelled figure looked at him and said: "I had to take my stupid daughter to the Hospital."

"Damnit - is she all right"?

"Yes, she's fine now. The lackwit snorted artificial sweetener. She thought it was "Diet Coke".

I went to my butcher and asked him what the cheapest cut of meat was. He told me to try deer testicles: they're always under a buck.

Handley_Page said:

Life is like a penis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely.
It's a woman who makes it hard.

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lmao!

Handley_Page said:

I do not anticipate that the full humour of this joke will travel, but I like it!
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the
flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief.
Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

Click to expand...

Anyone who understands the rivalry will appreciate that. We get lots of Brits who visit our retail candy store in Orlando. They're great fun. We do a little schitck before passing out samples where we get the folks to raise their hand and promise to tell the truth about how good it tastes. I once asked a group of Brits to raise their right hands for the oath. They willingly did. Then I asked them to raise their other hands. Again, they did. Then I grinned and said, "Nah, just the one hand. With both hands up, you look French."

Our British guests howled with laughter, but I was stuck explaining to the rest of my American co-workers why that was funny.

BuckyDuckman said:

Anyone who understands the rivalry will appreciate that. We get lots of Brits who visit our retail candy store in Orlando. They're great fun. We do a little schitck before passing out samples where we get the folks to raise their hand and promise to tell the truth about how good it tastes. I once asked a group of Brits to raise their right hands for the oath. They willingly did. Then I asked them to raise their other hands. Again, they did. Then I grinned and said, "Nah, just the one hand. With both hands up, you look French."

Our British guests howled with laughter, but I was stuck explaining to the rest of my American co-workers why that was funny.

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"Italian" should work just as well as "French".

CarlusMagnus said:

"Italian" should work just as well as "French".

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As in...?

Why does the New Italian Navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the Old Italian Navy.

Breast enlargement

A woman asks her husband if she could get her breasts enlarged. Her cheap husband told her no and that if she wants them enlarged for free all she has to do is rub toilet paper on them.

She asked what in the world will that do?

He said he hopes it does as good of a job on her breasts as it did on her butt.

Things You Shouldn't Do.....

"Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing." - Buddy Hackett

"Don't get mad. Don't get even. Just get elected, then get even." - James Carville

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin

"Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity." - Nick Diamos

"Never believe in mirrors or newspapers." - Tom Stoppard

"Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon." - Jilly Cooper

"Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - Miss Piggy

"Own a shirt that has been "bedazzled"

"Own a car stereo that is of greater value than the vehicle"

Handley_Page said:

Things You Shouldn't Do.....

"Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing." - Buddy Hackett

"Don't get mad. Don't get even. Just get elected, then get even." - James Carville

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin

"Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity." - Nick Diamos

"Never believe in mirrors or newspapers." - Tom Stoppard

"Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon." - Jilly Cooper

"Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - Miss Piggy

"Own a shirt that has been "bedazzled"

"Own a car stereo that is of greater value than the vehicle"

Click to expand...

I've violated several of those.

Silent wind

The little old lady was having trouble, so she went to the doctor for help.

At length, she got into the examining room and the doctor finally came in to see her.

"What seems to be the trouble?" he asked her.

"Oh, doctor," she said. "You have to help me. I'm having a lot of trouble with silent wind."

"I don't understand what you mean," the doctor said. "Can you explain a little more?"

She was clearly embarrassed, but she tried. "For the last few weeks, I've been breaking wind often and silently. It's very embarrassing. What can you do to help me?"

The doctor sat and thought to himself for a moment. His nose wrinkled a bit as he sat, and he couldn't conceal an expression of disgust.

And then he said, "I think I can probably help you. But the first thing we're going to do is this: We're going to get you a good hearing aid."

CarlusMagnus said:

The little old lady was having trouble, so she went to the doctor for help.
-

And then he said, "I think I can probably help you. But the first thing we're going to do is this: We're going to get you a good hearing aid."

Click to expand...

LOL