Dom in Crisis

Hello all. I'm not really one to air my drama in a public forum like this, but presently I don't really know where else to turn. My life and my relationship are in crisis, and I find myself in need of some unbiased and brutally honest advice. I apologize in advance for the rambling post.

My current wife and began as a BDSM couple. I was fairly new to the lifestyle (18 months) when I met her, and within seven months I had collared her, and was her Master. This was mid 2003. We were married in 2006, and were for the most part happy. I have struggled with depression for the better part of my adult life, and one of the ways it tends to manifest is a lack of joy, passion and engagement in all things. Unfortunately, this gradually included my responsibilities as a Maater/Dom. It greatly frustrated my wife/sub that I was taking an increasingly ambivalent attitude toward our participation in the lifestyle, and we were not involved in anything in our local community.

This all came to a head in late 2009, when I was laid off from a very good job I had had for several years. I took the situation very hard, and being no longer able to provide for my family (two step-children from her first marriage), coupled with my growing apathy, I felt I no longer deserved to be anyone's Dom, much less her Master. So in effect, I released her. She was devastated, but stayed married to me, both of us seriously unhappy.

Over the next several years and up until the present, I bounced around jobs, being laid off twice more, and having to take positions for less and less money. My longest stint was at the beginning of 2013, where I tried my hand at self-employment, and failed miserably. We lost our house, my car, and only since August have we been able to claw our way back up to some sort of stability from a new full-time job for me, which I currently loathe. Add to that lots of back debt, and a serious lack of self-confidence on my part.

In the middle of 2013, my wife decided that she wanted back into the lifestyle, with or without me. She affirmed that she loved me, she wanted our marriage and family to remain intact, but she was doing this with or without me. At the time, part of me was very happy with this turn of events. I did miss many aspects of our D/s relationship, and decided to embrace the hope that some of that could be recaptured. I took it upon myself to do some more growing and learning in the lifestyle, and even started attending local munches and demos.

But then something unexpected happened; it all began to make me very uncomfortable. I'm considerably introverted, and groups of people I don't know tend to make me very anxious. And some of the things that the people I bgean meeting were into made me even more uncomfortable (knife play, needling, extreme impact, etc.). I've never considered myself hardcore about anything, but this more extreme stuff also interests my wife, who has since decided that she does want me with her for our lifestyle renaissance.

Since I first discovered my dominant tendencies at the age of 29, most things about BDSM have excited and interested me. Now at 41, those same things leave me numb, or at worst, repulsed. Incidentally, that is how most things in life have me feeling at the moment. I don't really understand what is going on in my mind, or if it is something that can be, or needs to be, dealt with. It is obviously causing a rift in my marriage, and I still love my wife enough to not wish her denied things she wants to explore. I just have no desire to explore those things for myself, and in some case to run in the opposite direction.

I feel like I am too close to the situation to be able to clearly see the root cause of things. Depression? Anxiety? Lack of testosterone? PTSD of some kind? Not enough fiber? Everything is a fog, and all I ever seem to want to do is retreat to my comfort zone. But it's very lonely there, and while it feels safe, it's not happy. Just relieved.

Thanks for reading. Replies here and PMs/YIM messages are welcome.

You need a full medical work up, and talk to your doctor about the depression,apathy and anxiety. I didn't see anywhere in your story that you reached out for therapy or meds to deal with the ups and downs life has handed you.

Treat the underlying issues, then worry about the D/s. (Side note- taking charge of your life and health is the first step towards regaining control of everything else. )

Everything about your post screams depression. It has invaded your life, through no fault of your own, and has taken any joy from you.
You don't say how the rest of your life is looking, do you have enthusiasm for anything?

I would take a guess that before you fix the BDSM elements, you need to deal with the depression. Get help, get the right meds. I have suffered depression, still am. It sucks the life from you.

Talk candidly to your wife. There are elements she wants that you can't give.

I like Shibari, it is not in Master's current skill set, so I bunny for a reputable rope Top. It is the only interaction I have with him. I get tied up and go floaty, floaty. He gets to tie and send someone to rope space, it's win win.

Under your protection, could something similar be achieved?

Take care xx

Sweetdaisymae said:

Everything about your post screams depression. It has invaded your life, through no fault of your own, and has taken any joy from you.
You don't say how the rest of your life is looking, do you have enthusiasm for anything?

I would take a guess that before you fix the BDSM elements, you need to deal with the depression. Get help, get the right meds. I have suffered depression, still am. It sucks the life from you.

Talk candidly to your wife. There are elements she wants that you can't give.

I like Shibari, it is not in Master's current skill set, so I bunny for a reputable rope Top. It is the only interaction I have with him. I get tied up and go floaty, floaty. He gets to tie and send someone to rope space, it's win win.

Under your protection, could something similar be achieved?

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We have talked about that, me being there with her for things she wants to try and I am uninterested in. I'm willing to try that, although it doesn't address any of my issues, and it's still a hard limit for me on the stuff that gives me the heebee-geebees. And no, I really do not have enthusiasm for anything these days.

CutieMouse said:

You need a full medical work up, and talk to your doctor about the depression,apathy and anxiety. I didn't see anywhere in your story that you reached out for therapy or meds to deal with the ups and downs life has handed you.

Treat the underlying issues, then worry about the D/s. (Side note- taking charge of your life and health is the first step towards regaining control of everything else. )

Click to expand...

We have also talked about me having a medical work-up. Money is a little tight at the moment, so it's having to wait, despite having adequate health insurance. My experience with doctors in the past has been for them to patch you up, give you a scrip and send you on your way, without delving too deeply into the root problem. And my therapy sessions in the past haven't met with much success.

Depression, for many people, is simply a chemical imbalance that is very easily treated with medication. So, in your case, giving you a "scrip" and sending you on your way could actually help! I do not mean to imply that psychotherapy is replaceable. I just wanted to mention again that depression is a disease and can be treated as such.

Good luck to you.

Ahlam said:

Depression, for many people, is simply a chemical imbalance that is very easily treated with medication. So, in your case, giving you a "scrip" and sending you on your way could actually help! I do not mean to imply that psychotherapy is replaceable. I just wanted to mention again that depression is a disease and can be treated as such.

Good luck to you.

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Thanks, Ahlam. And I am not saying that a scrip wouldn't help. I just want to know that's the problem. And admittedly, I am reluctant to take something that is also going to lead to undesirable sexual side-effects, which would be trading one problem for another. But perhaps not.

I am going to try my best to get a medical work-up done by the end of the month. Hopefully something good will come from it.

No doubt you have had a rough run of it for a while, and while your desire to be what your wife needs is admirable, if you can't heal somewhat yourself first you won't be able to give to anyone else, even her...my .02 would be for you to get well with her support then move on to re-incorporate other "aspects" of your life first...and yes, get checked by a doc (specialist) both physically as well as psychiatrically to start...

Good luck to you, many have been there but you have already shown resiliency so far...focus on your successes and not your failures!

CBM514 said:

No doubt you have had a rough run of it for a while, and while your desire to be what your wife needs is admirable, if you can't heal somewhat yourself first you won't be able to give to anyone else, even her...my .02 would be for you to get well with her support then move on to re-incorporate other "aspects" of your life first...and yes, get checked by a doc (specialist) both physically as well as psychiatrically to start...

Good luck to you, many have been there but you have already shown resiliency so far...focus on your successes and not your failures!

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Thank you, CBM, and to everyone who has contributed. Your encouragement is more appreciated than I can say. Hopefully I will have better news to report in the future.

CutieMouse said:

You need a full medical work up, and talk to your doctor about the depression,apathy and anxiety. I didn't see anywhere in your story that you reached out for therapy or meds to deal with the ups and downs life has handed you.

Treat the underlying issues, then worry about the D/s. (Side note- taking charge of your life and health is the first step towards regaining control of everything else. )

Click to expand...

+1

Treatment for depression can be costly but the costs of untreated depression are likely to be a lot higher.

Benefits of therapy depend very much on finding the right therapist. When I was having issues a few years back I went through several before finding one that worked well with me - but when I did, it REALLY helped.

There is some really good advice here. Let me add another piece or two.
It sounds as if you and your wife are communicating. If so, that's good. If not, it's time to start. Why not sit down together, admit the problem/difficulty, and then, together, work out a plan to put as much as possible behind you? In other words, see if you can't enlist her in your recovery. Then go on line to research therapists. Ideally you'll find one who is kink-friendly (there used to be web-sites for this when I was active in the scene), experienced with depression, an MD psychiatrist (only an MD can prescribe medication), who is recommended by others. Believe it or not, if you look you're quite likely to find someone who fits most, if not all of these criteria.

As has been said, clinical depression is largely a chemical imbalance that can be treated with medicine. However, from what I've observed, not all medicines work for all people all of the time. In other words, there could well be a period of trial-and-error. That's just something you have to work through.

But I do believe it all starts with complete communication with your wife and a plan of attack you both agree to.

Best of luck to you both. Be sure to let all of us know how it goes for you.

Just to make things perfectly clear: you're not a dominant in crisis. You're a man in a crissis that is exacerbating problems in your relationship. Your role as the dominant is only one part of your life and your depression is eating away at ALL of your life like an acid. I'd work on that acid leak first. But what do I know? I'm just a guy who spent years nearly destroying his life before going after help for depression. You're probably much smarter and stronger than I am so I'm sure you can fix this all by yourself.

I know that medical treatment can be very costly, so you could take a more natural route. Meds and therapy are great, I'm not saying give up that idea. Honestly though, meds and therapy get a great boost from physical activity and eating well. I'm able to stave off most of my depression symptoms with exercise and healthier food choices.

I'd also like to point out the confidence boost that comes with healthy choices definitely take the good advice offered here by everyone. Communicate with your wife about your depression as well. Being open and talking about these things is therapeutic in itself.

UpwardSpiral said:

Thanks, Ahlam. And I am not saying that a scrip wouldn't help. I just want to know that's the problem. And admittedly, I am reluctant to take something that is also going to lead to undesirable sexual side-effects, which would be trading one problem for another. But perhaps not.

I am going to try my best to get a medical work-up done by the end of the month. Hopefully something good will come from it.

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I hope something will come of it as well!

Not every antidepressant has sexual side effects. And many of them have side effects that can be alleviated with the addition of a second medication that works in synergy.

But even so, let's face it-- you are suffering the sexual side effects of your depression right now anyway, not to mention several other crippling effects in other parts of your life.

Something I wanted to say though, is to be gentle with yourself. If you are an introverted person, and you know this, there is no real need to subject yourself to munches full of strangers over and over again. You might look for a few people you can feel a friendship for, and continue to conduct your sex life in private. It's very easy to get sucked into the competitive camaraderie of the kink scene. it doesn't have to be right for you.

UpwardSpiral said:

And I am not saying that a scrip wouldn't help. I just want to know that's the problem. And admittedly, I am reluctant to take something that is also going to lead to undesirable sexual side-effects, which would be trading one problem for another. But perhaps not.

I am going to try my best to get a medical work-up done by the end of the month. Hopefully something good will come from it.

Click to expand...

As somebody else said, you're already suffering from sexual side effects of your depression.

Speaking from personal experience with anti-depressants, the main thing to remember is that each one is different and it may take a while to find one that works for you. Also, there is no quick fix pill that will instantly make you feel better. Any anti-depressant will probably not show any real change for at least 4-6 weeks.

When I first started taking anti-depressants, my sex drive dropped to zero for about a month. I was devastated, I even tried to push myself to getting excited and nothing. BUT, that said, there came a day when not only did I feel better overall, I actually felt sexually excited. Since then, my sex drive has upped dramatically, to a point that is much, much healthier than it was before my problems started.

To summarise, every body and their reaction to meds is different, but in my experience there was a temporary drop in sex drive, but once the meds began to really kick in and work, that returned with a vengeance.

It's important not to give up on them straight away, give them a good 4-6 weeks before you see a change.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find what you need to return to something that is satisfying to you, not only in the sexual sense, but overall in your life. Depression is a soul sucker that leaves you empty and robbed of everything. It's hard to even find the desire to work to get back to where you once were.

Yes, anti-depression drugs take time to get into your system. It's a chemical thing in your brain, that's all. And for a while, you will feel better, but there will probably be a time when you are getting used to that new better feeling. And some do have sexual side effects, but many don't. And some side effects go away with time.

It just takes some time to find the one that works best for you. I think I tried 3 or so before I found the one that works best for me. Sure, it's a slow process, but you are going to get better in that process. Right now, how do you feel? That's what I thought. Take the time to find out what works for you and do it. Life will be a lot better and you'll be so proud of yourself that you took that time. Trust me.

OP, I've been on anti-depressants for a few months now and it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm not irritable, I have a much higher threshold for chaotic situations, and don't feel empty anymore (and subsequently looking to fill it with other nasty habits). Sure, my libido is dead--granted, I didn't have much of one to begin with, so definitely YMMV there--but it's better than a dead everything else. The trade-off, to me, is a no-brainer.

And this is coming from someone who, like you, really wanted there to be an external cause of the depression that I could fix. I grew up with folks who stigmatized medicine, especially of the mental health variety, so I spent about 10 years looking for the cause of my depression everywhere but where it was. I tried diet, exercise, meditation, talk therapy, toying with my sleeping patterns, vitamins and holistic approaches, changing jobs, moving, you name it. Nothing worked like this.

You'd be doing yourself a tremendous disservice at best if you didn't investigate it further.

Anti-depressants alter the balance in your brain and make it harder to get back on track even if things start turning around. Even prior to going to a psychologist I would evaluate my issues, possibly visit a careercoach or talk to every friend and non-friend I've ever known to see if they got a job tip for me which I would enjoy. A great psychologist or psychiatrist might help you with this (making sense of your life) others working with different (cheaper/faster) methods may not and will instead attempt to chop apart your life and adress singular issues of either cognitive nature or behavioral nature in a bid to take them out one and one. If you feel that your issue is confidence, economy and a personal future then as I said a careercoach of some sort may be a better option.

A chemical imbalance is (most cases - Genetic triggers and being born with it being the exception*) created because of external issues and may then stay with you until those issues are solved or re-adressed but more commonly depression is re-enforced by continous life issues than by old ones lingering. The later would possibly require help but you say that your main issue is economic and social from what I understand and not some horrible event or experience long ago?

I really have no idea why you have lost your dominant drive but it may be becasue you feel as if you can't hold that position of dominance anymore with your current life situation. So as everyone else suggested that should probably be the first thing you solve.

If you need a boost for a month or two then use the meds, just don't get hooked.* They will alter your own bodies function and worsen the actual imbalance unless you also have a plan to get out of all of this.

This change itself is not permanent but they by default do create a withdrawl period which grows deeper the longer you use them and the bigger doses you take*. Thus it is easy to rebound back into depression even if life goes well, because now your body can't adjust to the lack of anti-depressants.

*Up until a certain point. Also do independent research on the various drugs out there. There are plenty of them. You do not want those that make you more passive because this will not assist in your search for a job or for a sex-lust. They also work differently on different people so if you start feeling passive but haven't read that it is a common affliction you should still consult with your doctor about a change.

*Even the effects of those genetic triggers or those deciding that one is more easily susceptible to depression can be lessened through solving external issues.

*Medication takes some time to take effect (different for different meds) and for your body to adjust to their effects. So one or two months does not include incubation period (not sure if this is the right word).

~ I hope I haven't messed something up here, English isn't my first language and I have tried to clarify everything , obv consult with someone else than us on the forum ~

Wondering_Newb said:

Anti-depressants alter the balance in your brain and make it harder to get back on track even if things start turning around. Even prior to going to a psychologist I would evaluate my issues, possibly visit a careercoach or talk to every friend and non-friend I've ever known to see if they got a job tip for me which I would enjoy. A great psychologist or psychiatrist might help you with this (making sense of your life) others working with different (cheaper/faster) methods may not and will instead attempt to chop apart your life and adress singular issues of either cognitive nature or behavioral nature in a bid to take them out one and one. If you feel that your issue is confidence, economy and a personal future then as I said a careercoach of some sort may be a better option.

A chemical imbalance is (most cases - Genetic triggers and being born with it being the exception*) created because of external issues and may then stay with you until those issues are solved or re-adressed but more commonly depression is re-enforced by continous life issues than by old ones lingering. The later would possibly require help but you say that your main issue is economic and social from what I understand and not some horrible event or experience long ago?

I really have no idea why you have lost your dominant drive but it may be becasue you feel as if you can't hold that position of dominance anymore with your current life situation. So as everyone else suggested that should probably be the first thing you solve.

If you need a boost for a month or two then use the meds, just don't get hooked.* They will alter your own bodies function and worsen the actual imbalance unless you also have a plan to get out of all of this.

This change itself is not permanent but they by default do create a withdrawl period which grows deeper the longer you use them and the bigger doses you take*. Thus it is easy to rebound back into depression even if life goes well, because now your body can't adjust to the lack of anti-depressants.

*Up until a certain point. Also do independent research on the various drugs out there. There are plenty of them. You do not want those that make you more passive because this will not assist in your search for a job or for a sex-lust. They also work differently on different people so if you start feeling passive but haven't read that it is a common affliction you should still consult with your doctor about a change.

*Even the effects of those genetic triggers or those deciding that one is more easily susceptible to depression can be lessened through solving external issues.

*Medication takes some time to take effect (different for different meds) and for your body to adjust to their effects. So one or two months does not include incubation period (not sure if this is the right word).

~ I hope I haven't messed something up here, English isn't my first language and I have tried to clarify everything , obv consult with someone else than us on the forum ~

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Sorry to contradict you here on some things, but I feel I should. And I'm not saying everything you said is wrong. But, any chemical imbalance in the brain was there from the beginning. While even those chemical imbalances sometimes need a trigger to come forward, what I think the OP is experiencing is emotional depression. There isn't a chemical imbalance in the brain, but it's still a form of depression.

Depending on how someone's life goes, events can trigger and bring those emotional feelings to the front of your conscious mind. Sometimes medication is necessary. Sure, not always because there are alternatives. Some people can get out of a situation on their own and in some people counseling can work wonders.

And not all drugs are the same. Some can be addictive but many are not. Many of them do have side effects but because everybody is different, those side effects can be minimal, depending on the person. While it is always best to first try methods other than medication, the medical route isn't all doom and gloom.

But, in the OP's case, he's suffering from an economic situation as well as reactionary situations from his lack of stable income. He feels many of these situations are out of his control and that's what's causing his depression. And just like any condition humans experience, the longer depression sticks around, the more "normal" it becomes. He needs to stay aware and think of it as a temporary condition that's not going to last.

I'm going through the very same thing, as far as the economy is. If you don't have a job, that can cause other issues to escalate. Your bills start to add up, your debt gets out of hand not to mention your self worth is seriously damaged. You feel it's your fault you can't get a job and that's just not the case.

And to make matters worse, not just any job will suffice. If he's had a very good job for years, he and his family have built up a lifestyle that went along with the income he had. And from the way his wife is talking, she seems less than understanding about his feelings of inadequacy by giving him the ultimatum that she was going ahead with her sexual life with, or without him.

To the OP...take measures to get a job. I understand how difficult it is. Like I said, I'm in the same boat as you. In the last few years, I've been unemployed more than I've been employed. It sucks. Believe me, I know. It can get the better of you, if you let it. You have to keep your head on straight.

Maybe you will have to rethink your employment strategy. I don't know your present financial situation, but maybe it's time to make a change. Have you thought about taking classes to learn a new skill or maybe make the skills you have more desirable? It would go a long way in making your emotional self feel better. Just wollering in your depression only allows it to continue. Trust me, I know.

And those on the outside just assume you can solve everything by finding a job and if you can't find one, you are doing something wrong. I know that's not true. In many areas, there are so many unemployed, it's difficult to stand out as an individual. And some head hunters are just idiots looking to fill an open space, without actually matching the individual with the position, like they should. It really can seem like everybody is against you.

Your dominating desires are not gone. They have just taken a back burner, because you know you have more pressing things going on in your life. Once that starts looking better, your sexual desires will come back and your wife will wonder why she ever doubted you. And then maybe she should suffer some form of sexual punishment. You think so?

I'll PM you a bit.

I agree completely with that he probably needs to consider it as a temporary condition and I think I made that point myself too! (Not saying you're saying I didn't!)

Some light drugs might help ease the transition into a new path for you OP but maybe they aren't necessary at all. You should consult someone over it but preferably try other options more fervently, options that affect your life OP in a positive way with direct consequences.

Ah let me just clarify something.
If something is there from birth or caused by a trigger it can't be cured (Well debatable but basically). If you've really had it for your whole life or a large part of your life and it's been coming back even during good times then there might be a problem there. But you can improve your situation by resolving your emotional problems and physical problems.

D-vitamin deficiency can be caused by inactivity (staying inside), working nights, eating foods that don't give you enough.

Serotonin production can be changed through lifestyle changes:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2077351/

So can endorphine production.

(All these things affect your depression levels).