Humor Thread

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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
Two friends met in the pub.
A said:"So, how you doing, then?"

B said, Oh I'm pretty good. At least, I'm not getting the voices telling me what to do any more."

A looked at him and muttered "Medication?"

B smiled and said: "Oh no: Resigned and then divorced"
 
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked ...

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


Good one, HP. :D
 
From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store in Indian villages does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. "The beach was too sandy."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

7."Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

9. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven.."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

15"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

16. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

19. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid! Be very afraid!
 
Received this from a fellow a/h'er

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
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'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

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Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

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Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
 

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$7 Dollar Sex

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says,'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married so we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50,

and I get $43 back from Medicare.
 
I overheard this from a mom on the schoolrun today, repeating her son's account of his misdemeanour:
"I never slapped him. I high-fived his face."
 
"Do you believe in ghosts?" said Fred, standing at the Bar, talking to George.

"No I bloody don't" replied George

"How can you be so sure?" asked Fred.

"My wife passed away two years ago and if there was a way of coming back to haunt me, the bitch would have found it by now."
 
Two blokes, on a bike ride.

Fred says: " You know how women often go on about how they can multi-task?"
"Yes, mate, it gets boring at times."
"Well, my wife has proved she can."
"Oh really?"
"Yesterday," said Fred, "she took a phone call, tidied her hair and crashed the car
all at the same time."
 
Quotes About "Fools"

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. ~ Douglas Adams

You don't have to fool all the people all of the time; you just have to fool enough to get elected. ~
Gerald Barzan

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way. ~
Josh Billings

A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him. ~
Nicholas Boileau

Get the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. ~
Frank Dane

A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot, and a man who dare not reason is a slave. ~
William Drummond
 
Note: This list does not necessarily hold for those of us outside the USA.



"A Quiz For People Who Know Everything"

(1) There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.

(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

(10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.

(11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

(12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."
 
"Answers To Quiz"


1. Boxing.

2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Baseball.

5. Strawberry.

6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.

10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

11. Lettuce.

12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.
..

Well, now you know! Feel any smarter?
 
A hungry termite walks into a pub and says, ???Is the bar tender here????

(come on, that was funny. haha)

Ok, try this one.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ???Sorry, we don???t serve food in here.???


I read that most accidents in the home happen in the kitchen. So I moved the cooker to the bedroom

If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?

Ok, one more!

A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word".

His friend: "What is the word?"

The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"
 
I don't know why you bought that laptop. You never use it," said my wife.

She only says that because she checks my browsing history every day.
 
Wierd Definitions:

Askhole
A person who constantly asks for advice, yet always does the opposite of what you tell them.
 
This was sent to me.

Today's Bad Idea

Just when you think a person can't get any dumber.....

This will cleanse the gene pool a little.

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I know, I saw it right away too....

No safety glasses or hearing protection!



And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.

I might be up in age, but I am still sharp as a tack.
 

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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent f**t; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
 
Little Shaun (seven) was in love with Little Lindsay (same age) who lived next door.

One day, Shaun went to Lindsay's dad and announced (as seriously as he could), "I'm in love with Lindsay, and we're getting married".

Amused, Lindsay's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).

Lindsay' dad: "Where will you live?"

Shaun: "Well, Lindsay has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna live there."

Lindsay's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"

Shaun: "Well, Lindsay gets $20 a week, and I get $25 a week."
.................. "That should be MORE than enough!"

Seeing that Shaun was still serious, Lindsay's dad asked, "Well, what about children?"

Shaun perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Lindsay lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"
 
Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. I've got tears in my ears from lying on my back, cryin' over you

And the Number One Country & Western song is ...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ All Day.
 
HOW MANY CHURCH-MEMBERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?


CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.

PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

ROMAN CATHOLIC: None. Candles only.

BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

CHURCH OF CHRIST: Six men. One to authorize the change; two to look up the scriptures to see if it's something Jesus or Paul would approve of;
and three to keep the women in quiet, i.e. keeping them from giving advice, instructions, or usurping authority over the men.

EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

METHODISTS : Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved-you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday.
Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

NAZARENE: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

AMISH: What's a light bulb?

UNITARIANS: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if, in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: None. The lights are on, but no one's home.

MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
 
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