Loneliness of D/s

sub2DomFemale

Experienced
Joined
Feb 16, 2015
Posts
34
Greetings E/everyone,
I'm a 39 year old male submissive. I've been in and out of the lifestyle for the past 16 years. Here recently the topic of loneliness in D/s has been stirring in my soul. I know both Dominants and subs deal with this issue at times in their lives. A lot of times it happens when you are searching for that O/one. W/we all need someone we can talk to about our loneliness and our feelings. This is why I'm making this thread. It's like a support group to let them know they are not alone. This isn't a thread for personal ads please don't post them here. Feel free to come in and post. You are not alone!!!!

I will be the first to post here:

I've been getting depressed a lot here lately in my search for a Domme. I'm a bit shy so it's hard for me to express myself. I read through the threads at times they are a comfort at times they make me feel like giving up. But I will be honest their was a couple people here on lit that have helped and I will push forward. That is why this thread is here.
 
I don't think the stuttering comment is really needed here. T/this S/Stuff is common and nudges dynamics and explicit personal expression that belong here more than most other places. Just my 2 cents.


Welcome, s2DF.

Yes, it is hard to be denied or delayed our longings. Good company helps which is why I think waiting rooms have so many chairs, chocolate and strong coffee for the longest nights.

Knowing what you want helps you to know what to look for and I hope you hold out for it. Hugs for all that hurts.

:rose:
 
I try to respectful to both Doms and subs. I try to use the Capital/lowercase when I remember. I don't use it all the time. But it was part of my training when I was a young sub.
 
I try to respectful to both Doms and subs. I try to use the Capital/lowercase when I remember. I don't use it all the time. But it was part of my training when I was a young sub.

No worries. Stag was just trying to let you know we don't worry about the capitalization stuff around here. Welcome! :)
 
Thanks for starting this thread, friend. :) It resonates with me, with where I am right now in terms of D/s.

My dealie:

I suppose you could call me a "new dominant" (I'm not doing the caps thing, and I'll get to why in a moment), at least in terms of the BDSM scene. There are a few ways in which I don't fit into what--as far as I have experienced so far--is the typical/expected mold for dom/mes in much of BDSM community.
(Note: I have absolutely nothing against that mold or concept--it's just not where my personal journey has taken me. I have lots of respect for people who do it and do it well; when I talk about it as a "mold," I don't mean it in the negative sense of stagnant or cookie-cutter--I only mean that there are certain common expectations, really, and that that's just not where I'm coming from. Forgive me if my word choices offend, and please know that I don't intend them in that way.)

In any case, as I said, there are ways in which I don't seem to fit expectations.

For one thing, I'm switchy. I enjoy being dominated as well as being dominant, but it rarely happens. I have a strong personality in the bedroom, and I've only ever found one person who could turn the tables on me. And even with him, I'm dominant more of the time. The switchy thing, though, seems to be a mark against me with a lot of subs (and in conversation with "other" dominants)--it reminds me of the way some lesbians have historically mistrusted bisexuals, thinking of them as "fence-sitters" who will eventually reject you for a man. I think that attitude is going the way of the dinosaur, mostly, but I'd say suspicion about switches is still pretty common, at least in my experience.

For another thing, I'm a solo flyer. What I mean is that I love dominating and I've done it in all my relationships, learning more strategies and forms of dominating as I've gone...but I'm no "professional" or lifestyle expert, if you see what I mean. I only know about things like "T/this," for example, because I've seen it in writing, on the interwebs. I don't go to munches or anything like that (nothing against them, I'm just not that kind of social). Etc.

So when someone's looking for a "dom/me," they often expect certain behaviors or threads of knowledge/experience that I don't have. More power to them for knowing what they want and setting out to find it--I don't blame them in any way for figuring out I'm not offering what they're looking for, and moving on. They should absolutely know themselves and seek out what they need.

However, the trend still leaves me lonely. Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone out there interested in a fat, gender-blender, unorthodox dominant like yers truly. I'm not lonely in general--I have two long-term partners--but I'm lonely in my D/s dimension, as it were.

Thanks again for opening up this discussion! I appreciate the space, and I hope this is the kind of post you were thinking would fit into this thread.
 
Thanks for the thread!! Actually at this point I'm on the verge of crying!! It is lonely so lonely to have no one to tell how empty and void you feel as a sub while waiting for that person that will invade your mind heart body and soul again!! The hardest part is that I met 100 guys for im hot but with none things went further than a drink for they actually thought they were Doms while they weren't! I had one Dom only but he broke my chains bared my soul and exposed me to the exquisite truth of my being as a sub and I loved it and now is all & only what I want! What I need!! And I can't find the One!! I can't tell my friends for they don't understand why I reject all these nice attractive men for they don't understand that if they aren't real Doms they won't be enough to satiate my hunger to be taken to be melted tamed loved & ravaged. I'm really super sad!
 
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It's hard enough finding The One even when you don't have a laundry list of expectations about how they must behave.

I'm terribly afraid that you're looking for a mind reader. That's not a power human beings have. I'm so, so, sorry... because yeah, you are leaving yourself not much alternative here.
 
I don't think the stuttering comment is really needed here. T/this S/Stuff is common and nudges dynamics and explicit personal expression that belong here more than most other places. Just my 2 cents.

I have to respectfully disagree. I'm one of those who really dislike T/this.
I haven't agreed to be in a relationship with any special BDSM protocol here anymore than when I go to the supermarket.
The places I have been to where that kind of posting has been expected, haven't been very accepting and nice places. More like where people had to know your label to know how to treat you and where everyone had to conform to the one true way.

I try to respectful to both Doms and subs. I try to use the Capital/lowercase when I remember. I don't use it all the time. But it was part of my training when I was a young sub.

I'm not posting this to be rude to you. I'm just trying to explain why I dislike that posting style.
There is so much more under the BDSM umbrella than D/s and to me, it actually feels excluding.
 
I am of the belief that forbidding a certain format of self expression is as limiting as demanding a certain format.

I don't know how to see it any other way.
 
Thanks for starting this thread!

Now, as far as finding a Domme- are you going to community gatherings? Munches, classes, etc? If those aren't your cup of tea and you're looking online, do you have a FetLife? A collarme? OKCupid (apparently there are a lot of kinksters on there lately)?

Looking for someone is hard especially as a shy sub, but if you know what you want and you're unhappy about being single... what's it worth? This isn't a personal attack. I've seen a lot of subs wait for the Dom/me of their dreams to come along, sweep them off their feet, and fulfill all their fantasies. Real life just doesn't work that way. Just like vanilla people have to put effort into dating, so do we, except we have a smaller, more specific pool to pick from. It sucks for shy people, it really does. That's where the cost/benefit analysis comes in.

But, more along the general line of your thread-- sub loneliness sucks. I don't think I'm in the right mental or financial place to cultivate a relationship right now, but damn if I don't miss being Dominated. And damn if I don't miss serving someone, giving them that very intimate part of me.

You're right, it is a very specific kind of loneliness that sucks sometimes.
 
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