Is he really a Dom or does he just want to get laid?

So, I'm relatively new to this and have been seeking a Dom for a few months now. One problem I am running into is how to determine whether someone is truly a Dom, and if he is the type of Dom I need. I know it takes some time, communication, and getting to know each other. But does anyone have any SPECIFIC questions to ask, or methods to identify a "poser" versus "just horny and like rough sex" versus "other?"

Thanks for your help! I have met a lot of nice people on here and am very grateful.

All the free bdsm sites are full of flakes and fakes. That's the cost of free.
There's a lot of good real people here on lit, but it's not a hook up site, per se. Still, it happens and there's good things to learn here through discussion.
I'd say be patient, get involved, and learn to shrug.
Just my two cents worth

Know thyself; it's as simple as that.

There are a million-and-eleventy things I could list off that make a PYL* a less than ideal partner (for me). Ninety-nine-and-a-half of the things on my "dude. [eye roll]" list, might be characteristics your ideal dreamboat domly type needs to express, to be your dreamboat ideal domly type.

The best advice I can offer is worry more about exploring and figuring yourself out, than finding the dom of your dreams. [insert echo]

The second best advice I can offer, is to be patient and go slow. It's really common for people new to BDSM to get all caught up in the shiny and new, and lose all sense of reason. Try to avoid that, if possible.

Third best advice I can offer - relationships are relationships. Being under the D/s umbrella, doesn't change that. In other words, if you were getting to know someone without any kink involved, with the goal of a relationship/spending lots of time together, would XYZ behavior be ok?

Yes? Then rock on with kinky dude.
No? Why put up with shit, just because domly dude says ___?


*PYL = dominant, top, master, etc.
*pyl = submissive, salve, bottom, etc.

Yup, no magic question to find someone to have a relationship.

Also, I think the idea that the two are mutually exclusive can lead to some disappointment in the future.
There are doms who just want to get laid.

CocksuckingSub81 said:

So, I'm relatively new to this and have been seeking a Dom for a few months now. One problem I am running into is how to determine whether someone is truly a Dom, and if he is the type of Dom I need. I know it takes some time, communication, and getting to know each other. But does anyone have any SPECIFIC questions to ask, or methods to identify a "poser" versus "just horny and like rough sex" versus "other?"

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You are talking about online, right?

Primalex said:

You are talking about online, right?

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No, I'm actually talking about in person.

I agree with CutieMouse. If you know what you want/need then it will be easier to find someone you're compatible with. How would you determine if someone was "dating material" without all the d/s stuff? Figure that out and you might find someone worth having a relationship with.

CocksuckingSub81 said:

No, I'm actually talking about in person.

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Then I don't understand your problem. Either you like to spend time with someone or you don't.

I truly boils down to one simple word, at the start, in the middle, all the time: communication.

Not sexting, not skyping, not exchanging pictures or doing role play....genuine, honest communication. I do agree with CutieMouse...know yourself, know what you want and need, speak your piece and expect the same of him.

I'm sorry but I had to giggle to myself a bit on this post - I thought to myself "thanks 50 Shades! Now suddenly everyone's a Dom and into BDSM." I know on one hand it open the door and minds for many people but on the other hand....

But I truly do hope you find what you're looking for.

Does he have a cock? He wants to get laid. The Is-He-a-Dominant thing is an entirely separate question.

midwestyankee said:

Does he have a cock? He wants to get laid.

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And we have a winnah!

I've run across many Doms I wouldn't give the time of day to, and other "vanilla" guys who developed at least enough "Dom" to keep me satisfied for the time being. I've only met one Dom who was someone I felt I could have a relationship with. For me, the relationship has to come first. But I'm not into 24/7.

I was lucky enough at one time to have a real sub, that I mostly communicated with online. She liked to do as told, follow instructions and assignments, ask for permission to touch herself and climax. Difficult questions were hers to answer, and I enjoyed testing her limits.

When we were together she did the same , however she was always aching for the time when I would quit working her up, and would give her what she wanted... and did I.

He could be a Real Dom that wants to get laid.

Domliness and being horny are not mutually exclusive, and Doms are not necessarily Prince Charmings, or even hardly ever. They are just people with a particular style of approaching relationships and preference for controlling their sexual encounters.

If you want a husband, that's what you need to focus on, and add "must be dominant" into your laundry list along with the perfect teeth and the bank balance.

Stella_Omega said:

He could be a Real Dom that wants to get laid.

Domliness and being horny are not mutually exclusive, and Doms are not necessarily Prince Charmings, or even hardly ever. They are just people with a particular style of approaching relationships and preference for controlling their sexual encounters.

If you want a husband, that's what you need to focus on, and add "must be dominant" into your laundry list along with the perfect teeth and the bank balance.

Click to expand...

Wait!! ∑(ﾟДﾟ) I could have added perfect teeth and bank balance to the list!?

I wish I knew the answer to this, would make my life easier too!

That said, if all he talks about is how he is going to have you service him, or how he is going to service you, he likely wants to get laid.

If he is focused more on what you are looking to get out of being a sub, and what you want to get from having a Dom, you may have a good potential.