More Humour

Getting a Haircut ..

Getting a Haircut ...

Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.


Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

Harry Houdini
When magician and escape artist Harry Houdini died in 1926 as a result of a ruptured appendix, he left the rabbits he used to pull out of his hat to the children of his close friends. An outspoken skeptic of mysticism, Houdini included in his will a message to his wife, instructing her to conduct a seance every Halloween so that he could, if possible, contact her from the other side. To prevent clever frauds from attempting to impersonate him to his beloved at these seances, Houdini provided her with a set of ten randomly selected words which he would use to identify himself.
After ten years, she discontinued the seances; Houdini never appeared.

Handley_Page said:

Harry Houdini
When magician and escape artist Harry Houdini died in 1926 as a result of a ruptured appendix, he left the rabbits he used to pull out of his hat to the children of his close friends. An outspoken skeptic of mysticism, Houdini included in his will a message to his wife, instructing her to conduct a seance every Halloween so that he could, if possible, contact her from the other side. To prevent clever frauds from attempting to impersonate him to his beloved at these seances, Houdini provided her with a set of ten randomly selected words which he would use to identify himself.
After ten years, she discontinued the seances; Houdini never appeared.

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As it happens, my local Sherlockian society recently staged a re-creation of Mrs Bess Houdini's Last Séance (originally at the Knickerbocker Hotel in Hollywood on Halloween 1936). Harry didn't show then, either. Darn. And Bess was such a fox!

Hypoxia said:

As it happens, my local Sherlockian society recently staged a re-creation of Mrs Bess Houdini's Last Séance (originally at the Knickerbocker Hotel in Hollywood on Halloween 1936). Harry didn't show then, either. Darn. And Bess was such a fox!

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They weren't always friends. http://www.cracked.com/funny-8220-harry-houdini-versus-arthur-conan-doyle/

She 1: "Do you have any pets ?
She 2: "Yes; two cats & a dog"
She 1: "I read somewhere that pets & their owner can get to resemble one another"
She 2: "If that's true, I do not know where my husband keeps the Hippo."

Things evidently weren't always perfect in the Garden of Eden.

When Adam stayed out late for a few nights, Eve become very upset.

"You're running around with other women aren't you?" she quizzed her mate."

"Eve honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "Think about it and how you came into being. How many other women have you seen around here?"

The quarrel continued until Adam gave up and fell asleep, only to be awaked later by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

Eve calmly responded, "Counting your ribs."

The only problem with your analogy is that the ancient Roman Empire worked quite efficiently, spreading culture and scientific developments such as aqueducts and concrete to the far ends of the world. Today's US government also works quite efficiently, spreading U.S. creativity inginuity and culture, a well as grand ideas about human rights, throughout the world, and to the ends of the universe. Not bad for a country designed to be run by committee.

A Roman Catholic immigrant from Mexico married Ira Cohen, longtime member of Beth Israel temple. Neither wanted to change their religion. Soontheir first baby came, girl. Ira insited er ame should be Cohen, after his grandfather. His wife insisted the girl's name shuld be Carmen.
By the time the poor girl entered school she didn't know if she was Carmen or Cohen. Da Da Dum!

TE999 said:

The other day I took my dogs downtown to enroll them in the welfare program.

The lady behind the desk said "I'm sorry, but dogs don't qualify for welfare."

"I disagree," I said politely, "My dogs are of mixed race, they're lazy, unemployed, can't speak English, are illiterate, have no education and have no idea who their fathers were. Not only that, but they depend on me for food, lodging and medical care."

So the lady looked in her policy manual to see what was required to be put on welfare.

Spot and Rover get their checks starting next month.

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Your "Joke" is racist and offensive. Also, what makes jokes funny is their relationship to reality. Your premiss has no relation to the actual recipients of welfare. Illegal immigrants are not allowed to receive welfare. The majority of welfare recipients are white and children under 15. In fact, in most states one can recieve General assisstance ( a pittance, usually less than $200/mo.), but not welfare unless one has children. Also the majority of Welfare recipients work, many at more than one job. Let us pray to whatever god I am sure you say you believe in, that you never find yourself in need so that others can make "jokes" about you.

Originally Posted by TE999
The other day I took my dogs downtown to enroll them in the welfare program.

The lady behind the desk said "I'm sorry, but dogs don't qualify for welfare."

"I disagree," I said politely, "My dogs are of mixed race, they're lazy, unemployed, can't speak English, are illiterate, have no education and have no idea who their fathers were. Not only that, but they depend on me for food, lodging and medical care."

So the lady looked in her policy manual to see what was required to be put on welfare.

Spot and Rover get their checks starting next month.

robertreams said:

Your "Joke" is racist and offensive. Also, what makes jokes funny is their relationship to reality. Your premiss has no relation to the actual recipients of welfare. Illegal immigrants are not allowed to receive welfare. The majority of welfare recipients are white and children under 15. In fact, in most states one can recieve General assistance ( a pittance, usually less than $200/mo.), but not welfare unless one has children. Also the majority of Welfare recipients work, many at more than one job. Let us pray to whatever god I am sure you say you believe in, that you never find yourself in need so that others can make "jokes" about you.

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Sorry Robert, but I feel this joke is not racist. Offensive to some delicate soul, possibly, but not racist, since it has no focus on race. The joke implies a great deal about education, I reckon. The problem, as I see it, is that, thanks to the news reporting which seems to concentrate on the idle few, casts the many with the same tar brush.

But I'd love to know just why or how an illegal immigrant should be entitled to some form of "welfare" when they've not made any contribution to the community.

This is a joke that probably works best in the UK, where (what you describe as) 'welfare' is less encumbered by Red Tape and has very fixed Rules.

Just my three penneth'

Barman to a regular customer: "Where's your friend; you know, the one you normally come in with ?

Customer: "We've lost him; he had a terrible accident, last week. He got his finger caught in a Wedding Ring."

robertreams said:

The only problem with your analogy is that the ancient Roman Empire worked quite efficiently, spreading culture and scientific developments such as aqueducts and concrete to the far ends of the world.

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OK, let's get the humor back into this, from people who know something about humor:

REG: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

From Monty Python's Life of Brian

robertreams said:

Your "Joke" is racist and offensive. Also, what makes jokes funny is their relationship to reality. Your premiss has no relation to the actual recipients of welfare. Illegal immigrants are not allowed to receive welfare. The majority of welfare recipients are white and children under 15. In fact, in most states one can recieve General assisstance ( a pittance, usually less than $200/mo.), but not welfare unless one has children. Also the majority of Welfare recipients work, many at more than one job. Let us pray to whatever god I am sure you say you believe in, that you never find yourself in need so that others can make "jokes" about you.

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Original article featuring the sign

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Baltimore with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in...an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Baltimore, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are .
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think.

Handley_Page said:

Basically Useless Information

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times.

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years .

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that
cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.
Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

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Several of these are false. Iron is the only metal that rusts. Silver bronze tin aluminum all do not rust. If you see rust that is the iron content.

Mythbusters disproved the marching over a bridge thing, and I know for a fact the US Navy stays in step marching over bridges

Most of Alaska is in one time zone, some islands are in a second, so I doubt the state college is in more time zones than the entire state.

I could refute more but you take my point i hope.

The Difference Between Men and Women

From Dave Barry:

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.


http://www.davebarry.com/book-page.php?isbn13=9780449910269

The other day while sitting at a bar, I couldn't help but over-hear the conversation of two guys who were in their mid-twenties.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."


A fellow about my age (62), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her! That'll put a stop to that soon enough!"

Loud Groan? - Begin

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says,
"Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her:
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple. He says: "My Wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellowdick Toad!"

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

Right at the end of a morning radio news programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.

An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably Southampton): "That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"

The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

Even the interviewer had a giggle.


PS. Please note; this is REAL football, as according to the Football Association.

Man A: "I hear you drew the winner in the pool last night for a Blind Date with that new girl in Accounts?"

Man B: "Yes; I've not met her yet. What do you think I should wear?"

Man A: "Probably a blindfold."

I Can't Imagine Anyone In The Current Us Or Uk Chain-of-command Composing this


The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example.
A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She demanded a response to her letter.
She received back the following reply:


National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence,
to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products,
so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern.
We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defence

One time Igot sick and landed in hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
"And how are _we_ doing this morning?"

Or

"Are_we_ ready for a bath?" or
"Are_we_ hungry?"
I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later Iwas given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the Urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, "My, my, it seems _we_ are a little cloudy today."
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, "Well,I'll run it through again: Maybe I can filter it better this time!"
The nurse fainted... I just smiled.

The moral of the story is simple:
*DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!*

Handley_Page said:

The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example.
A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She demanded a response to her letter.
She received back the following reply:


National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence,
to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
...........

Thanks again for your concern.
We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defence

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http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/lark.asp