Relationship at work

Ive gotten in a relationship with a co worker we both want to keep it quiet. We were friendly before and would have a cuddle and some cheeky comments back and forth but over the last week we have gotten closer and don't want people to notice the change between us. Longer cuddles than before and generally being around each other as much as possible. Such as getting coffee together when we both take a break or hanging around more after work waiting for each other. What can we do to not make people suspicious without changing How we are. ( both so much happier)

Hmmm....let's see...Gibbs rule # 12 - Don't date co-workers.

My rule, date who you want but don't piss in the pond you live in.

I've seen (a lot) of people who dated co-workers and then one of them had to quit after they broke up because they couldn't work together after that.

But if you want to date...keep out of the work place. Only cuddle and kiss before or after work. Not at work.

At work you two should just be co-workers. Period.

There e is no kissing at work as I said we don't want people to know. The hugs are not a new thing we are a friendly team and there are hugs between lots of staff. We work in a high pressure environment and it's done as a way of helping each other cope or as a comfort if things are tough. We are going to continue dating but the question is how do we not let our co-workers know or make them suspicious.

My money says they already know...

twister947 said:

My money says they already know...

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That would be my vote too.

Is one of you subordinate to the other? If so, you've got a real problem. If not, don't worry about. Don't "sneak around" but also avoid being too overt in your displays of affection.

I'm not sure why there is a problem with level of authority. We work in different departments that cross over and i am technically her superior but we all work as a team but certain people need to take control.

If people go know do you think they will mention something?

maff1981 said:

I'm not sure why there is a problem with level of authority. We work in different departments that cross over and i am technically her superior but we all work as a team but certain people need to take control.

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...that sounds like a recipe for disaster, TBH.

Does your employer have a policy about workplace relationships?

Will you ever be making decisions about her career? (promotion, discipline, who gets development opportunities/cushy work trips/etc?)

Nothing against workplace relationships. I have no decision over her career or anything to do with disipline. She is the most level headed of her team and understands what I require from them and is able to organise her team as required without causing to much of a problem.

We work well together before this relationship started we juat dont want people to know because it is something we want to keep to ourselves until we know where it is going ourselves.

maff1981 said:

I'm not sure why there is a problem with level of authority. We work in different departments that cross over and i am technically her superior but we all work as a team but certain people need to take control.

If people go know do you think they will mention something?

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Well look at it from a view of someone from the outside who may know you have a relationship with her but not know the exact details.

Could you be accused you of using your authority to coerce her into a relationship?

Do you show her favortism?

While i don't think the first applies to your relationship the second one you have to be careful of. But my basic advice would be always be able to back up anything you do at work involving her with concrete evidence that she's "the best person for the job."

I treat all staff the same. Last week she even commented how I had been better with other staff members since this started and a lot of other staff have commented how happy and cheery I am. ( which isn't normal) I'm sure this positive effect is down to her and think it will continue as it's making everyone's life better at work. We all get on better and have a much better day overall. As for coercing her into a relationship it was her who persued me and made all the moves.

If the relationship is on the up and up (no unmentioned spouses or significant others) and if it's not in violation of company policy, here is how I always approached it. Meet with HR and your boss (and her boss) and "come out" as a dating couple. Then, you can give the occasional hug or kiss or open expression of affection without worrying about it.

If that doesn't work for you and you want to keep it totally on the down low - then no public expression of affection at work. Period. End of story. Work places are little petri dishes of gossip and no matter how sneaky you think you are, someone will know...and they'll tell someone. (Odds are, the whole department already knows any way).

If it's a clean relationship, just relax and be open about it.

Depends on the company you work for and what you signed when you became employed. Your choices may have big implications.

maff1981 said:

Ive gotten in a relationship with a co worker we both want to keep it quiet. We were friendly before and would have a cuddle and some cheeky comments back and forth but over the last week we have gotten closer and don't want people to notice the change between us. Longer cuddles than before and generally being around each other as much as possible. Such as getting coffee together when we both take a break or hanging around more after work waiting for each other. What can we do to not make people suspicious without changing How we are. ( both so much happier)

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Check company policy. If there is nothing, then make sure you do not work together - ever. Do not work on the same projects and keep communication at the workplace cordial and level, but that's it.

And by the way, your coworkers know.

maff1981 said:

I'm not sure why there is a problem with level of authority. We work in different departments that cross over and i am technically her superior but we all work as a team but certain people need to take control.

If people go know do you think they will mention something?

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This can be incredibly problematic. Even if you work as a team, even if you are in separate departments, you are still her superior. Period. It doesn't matter if the company makeup is that you all are sitting around singing kumbaya and you call your bosses names, the truth is you are her superior. You make decisions for the company that affects its future. You have a role where you are in charge, even if you do not directly deal with her, you can still influence her through your peers (that is, her bosses).

Look, buddy. Unless you have are in very separate departments where you don't communicate and are on the same pay level, you are on a very slippery slope. Yes, some office romance works. Yes, some boss-underlings romance works. But most do not; her coworkers will find out, and will gossip. They will wonder if she got that project or pay-raise because of you, or that she was passed over that well-deserved promotion because of you. Most here are telling you the same thing; instead of finding excuses, maybe you should exercise your superior/managerial skills and listen to the common chorus.

Good luck

maff1981 said:

Nothing against workplace relationships. I have no decision over her career or anything to do with disipline. She is the most level headed of her team and understands what I require from them and is able to organise her team as required without causing to much of a problem.

We work well together before this relationship started we juat dont want people to know because it is something we want to keep to ourselves until we know where it is going ourselves.

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That's understandable, but even if you don't want to out yourselves to the workplace in general, I would recommend talking to your boss about it: "Hi, I would like you to keep this information confidential, but I wanted to disclose that Jane and I are seeing one another. Please let me know if you have any concerns."

Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for something like this:

- one of your co-workers develops a grievance, real or imagined.
- co-worker figures out that you two are having a secret affair
- co-worker finds some way to drag that into their grievance and blame you for it
- the fact that you've been keeping it secret then makes it look bad

Or this:

- management reorganise teams so she's now working directly for you
- you are now sleeping with a direct subordinate
- I hope I don't have to explain why this is bad

Even if you are perfectly fair and aboveboard in your dealings, there's a risk of perception of favoritism etc.

There's also the risk that if the relationship doesn't work out, it may then hurt your work or hers.

My organisation has several staff who are related to one another (husband and wife, step-parent and step-child, mother and son, etc. etc.) It's not prohibited, but we're required to disclose it so our managers can ensure those relationships are handled appropriately without any perception of conflict of interest. For instance, I shouldn't be signing off on a family member's expense reports!

fire_breeze said:

This can be incredibly problematic. Even if you work as a team, even if you are in separate departments, you are still her superior. Period. It doesn't matter if the company makeup is that you all are sitting around singing kumbaya and you call your bosses names, the truth is you are her superior. You make decisions for the company that affects its future. You have a role where you are in charge, even if you do not directly deal with her, you can still influence her through your peers (that is, her bosses).

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This is an important point. I don't know how your workplace handles things like performance reviews, but in mine we have annual reviews and we're asked to give feedback on the people we've worked with. If her manager asks you for your rating of her work on your project, and you give her a glowing review without revealing your relationship, that has potential to harm both of you.

Say the relationship goes really well, and a year from now you decide to get married. How is that going to look to the manager who took your feedback on her work without knowing that you two were a couple?

So I should talk to her then speak to management to avoid any potential problems in that department and then see how it develops before revealing ourselves offically to our coworkwrs.

That is the approach I've always taken.

Bramblethorn brought up a good point I hadn't thought about it - it's the risk that, outside of the relationship, a co-worker finds it makes them uncomfortable and creates a hostile work environment for them.

Perceptions are real in their impact on people, so even if it is innocent and above board, it run the risk of people "filling in the blanks" with their own imagination and conclusions about impact (favoritism, appropriateness etc.), which can create it's whole own array of issues in the workplace.