Feedback for “Everything You Always Wanted”

Hello everyone. I recently wrote a story called “Everything You Always Wanted” about a person who has their cosnsiousness transferred into the body of a robot, and is then “convinced” by their girlfriend to become a sex worker.

It’s the first story that I have ever written and I would love to know what people think. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks!

https://literotica.com/s/everything-you-always-wanted

-Fleas

It's a very intriguing - and I would say dystopian - story. I suspect that in the longer term it's not going to end well.* By the way, the gender of the cyborg (if that is an accurate way to describe it) is not specified, unless I missed something. But that's fine. Maybe the new cyborg has both male and female anatomies?

In any case, the former human may have a shiny new data-based personality, but some deeply dysfunctional mind-set remains from the old self.

* Something like the original RoboCop movie, in which one of the test cyborgs implodes itself. In this story, it may just be delayed. I'm speculating of course.

It was a difficult story for me to engage with because of the form of address. No, I didn't do any of those things, I'm not identifying with anything that's going on - I'm not the "you" that the narrator is addressing.

But if you'd written it straight first person, "I" instead of "you," the more conventional narrative would have worked better, I think. As it is, the author-narrator addressing me directly is somehow intruding into my space as a reader; whereas first person narrative doesn't do that. It's counter-intuitive how that works, but readers more readily accept "I" in a narration than "you."

Setting that aside, it's a curious kink, but it's all rather distant. By definition, given the robot theme, it wasn't intimate or emotional; and for me, not at all erotic. All rather bleak, really.

Having said that, I sense there's something here the author does want to explore in themselves, something quite personal. Writing it in first person might actually enable that - it would be more revealing, and more believable because of it.